Of Ogres & Wolverines Chapter 5: Quest Exchange, a x-men: evolution fanfic

(sigh) And cue the flames. (ducks behind chair as fire arrows hit the seat in the form of a smiley face.) Yes, I mean literally.

Actually, I want to thank the majority of you who have been so open minded. You deserve a year's supply of CANDY!!! TREATS!!! LOVE!!! Okay, that's a little extreme. -

Well, there won't be any Rogan goodness in this chapter (Romy fans rejoice) but there probably will be very soon. (Romy fans lynch xfan2003). (xfan2003 comes back to life) As I was saying . . . thank you for your reviews! You guys rule! (all rejoice, except maybe some Romy fans that really look desperate to lynch xfan2003 again)

Sooooo . . . keep reviewing, and I'll keep updating. Peace out! (xfan2003 runs away as Romy fans chase her with more torches, pitchforks, and explosive playing cards.)

Disclaimer: o What? You're still asking that old joke? Come on, that joke was old five chapters ago! Can ya at least think of a more clever way to say it? staff start choking xfan2003 while Romy fans watch) man, is EVERYONE out ta get me? Okay, okay, I own SWAT! Uh, I mean squat. Don't sue me.

Okay, on to da fic!

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Chapter 5 – Is this thing on?

Oh, I guess it is.

Sorry, everybody!

Chapter 5 – Quest Exchange

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"See, zhat's Asteroid M!" exclaimed Kurt as the pair emerged from a cornfield. "I told you I could find it!"

Logan looked up at the large hunk of rock and metal floating about a mile into the sky. On top of it was a citadel surrounding an extremely tall tower. "Soooo," said Logan in thought, "that must be Lord Magneto's castle."

"Uh huh, zhat's the place." Kurt also looked up with dread.

After a moments staring, Logan leaned toward Kurt and asked, "Do you think he's compensating for something?" He began chuckling at his own joke. It soon died down though when he realized Kurt had taken his joke too literally. The elf boy had began tilting his head from side to side while making strange faces, as if they would help him see the edifice more clearly. Logan just shook his head and walked on. Kurt quickly noticed and went after him. "Hey, vait up, Logan!"

They walked over to some sort of circle that stood directly underneath the large floating rock. Suddenly, much to Kurt's surprise, it began to ascend. Logan immediately realized what was happening and remained calm. Kurt, however, was incredibly nervous and hid behind Logan. They and the platform beneath them phased through the several layers of rock until they reached the surface.

Logan glanced around, ready to eject his claws at a moment's notice. He and Kurt soon spotted a gateway with those things with the turning arms. Two people had just bought tickets to get through from some worker in a set of cloth armor and an enormous plastic helmet. In front of the gateway was a set of rope lines to guide the people on days with very large crowds. This was not one of those days.

Seeing the man with the large helmet made Logan and Kurt glance at each other with slightly confused expressions. It certainly didn't take them long to conclude that the man in uniform was altogether harmless. However, neither really had expected what would happen next.

Logan called out to the worker, who was now all alone. "Hey you!"

The worker turned and cried out in fright, believing Logan was after him. He began running toward the gateway, making sure to run through between the rope lines.

"Wait a second!" called out Logan again. "I'm not gonna hurt ya! I just-"

But the worker wouldn't listen. He was too frightened and too busy trying to get through the maze of ropes, plus with all of his screams. A guy like that can only multitask so much.

"Look, I just-"but Logan knew by now it was useless. He merely let out a deep frustrated sigh and walked right through the ropes, not caring if he knocked them down.

The worker managed to get to the gate, but he quickly encountered another problem. The helmet he was wearing was too big to fit through the gates. Unfortunately, his not acknowledging this before he tried to run through the gates ended with him unconscious on the ground.

As they passed, Kurt and Logan looked at the man and shook their heads. Then they went through the gate, Logan of course going first.

Logan passed through with ease and was ready to keep going. Unfortunately, his partner in crime was not so quick. After all, trying to get through a gate on all fours isn't exactly what you call easy. Kurt got stuck for a moment, spun around on it, and landed with his jaw in the ground. He smiled up at Logan with that same goofy grin. Logan once more rolled his eyes and sighed, walking away.

The pair stopped when they reached the center of the plaza in which they found themselves. It wasn't like anything Logan had been expecting. People didn't really live here. People merchandised here! Every building was some kind of souvenir store or restaurant. And all the merchandise was somehow labeled with the city's ruler. There were dolls of Magneto everywhere.

However, the thing that struck Logan as the strangest of all of these things (shockingly) was the fact that the square and seemingly the entire city was deserted.

Logan and Kurt glanced around in silence. Finally, Logan dared to speak. "It's quiet," he mumbled. A pause. "Too quiet."

As they continued to stare, Kurt's face lightened up slightly. "Hey, look at zhis!" He ran over to a booth labeled 'Information' and pulled a lever next to it that said 'Pull.' The booth made a clicking sound, and Kurt quickly got behind Logan again.

As they watched, the clicking got louder and faster. Logan was once more prepared to pounce on the thing if something happened.

The doors of the booth suddenly flew open, and little mechanical children popped out from a field of rolling hills, plus one in a prison. In the background was a group of trumpeters.

Welcome to Asteroid M! Such a perfect town!

Here we have some rules! Let us lay them down!

Please behave, stay in line,

an' we'll get along fine,

Asteroid M's the perfect place!

Please keep off of the grass,

shine your shoes, wipe your . . . face!

Asteroid M!

Asteroid M's the per – fect PLAAACE!!!

The doors slammed shut again and a bright light flashed. An instant photo came out from underneath the doors. Kurt and Logan were in the picture; Logan with a what-the-heck look and Kurt with a whooooooooa look. In fact, Kurt's first words were something like that.

"Vooooowwwww. Let's do zhat again!"

Before Kurt could get far though, Logan yanked him back by the tail. "No! Noooo no no no! NO."

There were more trumpet sounds. But this time they were real trumpets, and they were coming from the center of the citadel. As the pair headed toward the sound, they passed through a tunnel. It was there that Logan could hear Kurt's humming a lot more clearly than he would have liked. And Kurt wasn't just humming any song. Noooooooo, he was humming that song at the information desk.

Finally, Logan had had enough. "Alright, you're going the right way for a smart a—elf."

Kurt immediately lowered his head. "Sorry about zhat." More trumpet sounds, now as loud and clear as ever. And no surprise since they were now coming out of the tunnel --- right into an arena. It was in fact a huge circular stadium that was filled to the brim with spectators. At one end, Logan noticed, was some kind of tower built right out of the wall for the rich and royalty to observe from. A man who seemed to be covered mostly in red and purple was standing at the pedestal of the tower's balcony, where he was giving some big important speech that Logan had no genuine interest in. There was also a group of knights listening to the speaker in the arena beneath the balcony. Many of them looked somewhat nervous.

As Logan and Kurt drew closer, Logan could make out more clearly what the speaker was saying. "—shall be granted the honor, no no, the privilege, to rescue the lovely Princess Rogue from the fiery keep of the dragon! If, for any reason, the winner is unsuccessful, the runner up will take his place --- and so on and so forth."

Lord Magneto, who Logan guessed was the speaker, finally came to a close in his speech. The note, however, was far from reassuring. "Some of you may die," he said grievously, as if he actually cared, "but it's a sacrifice . . . I am willing to make."

As if on cue, the entire stadium of spectators cheered. Logan soon realized that it was done on cue, taking note of the man holding up a cue card that said "Applause."

"Let the tournament . . . begin!"

Logan decided it was time to step in. He walked forward, ignoring the suddenly terrified faces of the knights awaiting for combat. Soon everyone else was gasping too. But Logan was only focused on Magneto. He, of course, didn't take Logan's arrival too graciously either.

"What is that?" he cried. "Uh! It's hideous!"

Logan scowled. "Well, that's not very nice." He looked back at Kurt for a second, who looked at him in admiration. Then he turned back to Magneto and smirked. "It's just an elf." Kurt's expression quickly changed.

Magneto looked down upon the Wolverine and his companion superciliously. "Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the Wolverine . . . will be named champion! Have on him!"

The knights immediately turned to Logan and marched threateningly toward him, weapons up and ready. Logan really didn't like the ways things were heading.

"Hey, now come on! I'm not gonna –"

Suddenly, his back bumped into a table with pints of whiskey. He picked up a glass while Kurt teleported up to the top of one of the giant kegs of liquor. With a friendly smile, he said, "Can't we just settle this over a pint?"

The knights didn't back off.

"Nooo? Alright then!"

In one swig he gulped down the beverage, then lifted his glass high above the nozzle of the keg Kurt was on. "COME ON!!!" He slammed down as hard as he could, causing the nozzle to break off. Whiskey spewed out of the opening like a hose on jet pressure. The force knocked a number of the knights off their feet. Logan smiled and ran off just as the front of the keg blew off, resulting in the spraying of whiskey everywhere. Taking advantage of the knights' moment of weakness, Logan glided over the layer of alcohol, popped out his claws, and trip a knight that was coming his way. Logan smiled with delight. Let the games begin!

Magneto looked down at the sight with disbelief. How could his knights lose so easily to a Wolverine? And it wasn't just him either. They couldn't even get their hands on the elf! The grumbling helmet lord watched as Kurt used the now empty barrel he was standing on to run over some knights standing nearby. Soon the majority of knights were eliminated, allowing Logan to take out the rest.

Logan was chased after by the remaining group of competitors toward a ring where the jousting horses were restrained. However, they quickly jumped out when the Wolverine jumped in. Two of the knights followed him in, but to their own demise. Logan turned and used the ropes on one side of the ring as a sling-shot, knocking both of his opponents down.

Now the crowd in the stands was getting really excited. And spectators weren't cheering for the knights either. Wild screams and applause echoed throughout the stadium as Logan took out his challengers one by one. He used every move in the book of wrestling to perfection, slamming skulls against the ground, putting knights in headlocks and leg locks. There was one woman in the stands who cried, "The Chair! Give him the Chair!" And so he did, with a folding chair that came out of nowhere.

Magneto hid his face in his hand as he watched the Wolverine. This guy was unstoppable, even by his finest knights. He had even let Kurt take a hit at a few knights, like knocking one out by cracking his head against the knight's.

Soon it was all over. After swinging one more knight above his head several times, Logan threw him into a corner of the ring, and Kurt finished him off with a kick in the head. There were no more left. Logan jumped over the ropes and stood in the middle of the arena. He was really liking the attention. He made fierce growling sounds and flexed his muscles to please the fans. They cheered madly. As he performed his little ritual, Magneto looked down at him, rubbing his chin. Uh oh. An idea was forming in his mind.

"Thank you! Thank you very much!" shouted Logan to the stands. "I'm here till Thursday! Try the veal!"

But his celebrating quickly came to an end when Magneto motioned his bowman to aim their weapons at Logan and Kurt. Kurt quickly stood behind Logan.

Trask, who had been watching the entire event next to Magneto, whispered to him, "Shall I give the order, sir?"

Magneto smirked and shook his head. "No. I have a better idea." Then he raised his voice so all in the audience could hear him. "People of Asteroid M! I give you . . . our CHAMPION!"

The crowd cheered again. "What?!" cried Logan. This didn't make any sense. He was supposed to be the target, not the winner. What was this nutcase helmet man's game?

"Congratulations, Wolverine. You have won the honor of engaging on a great and noble quest!"

"Quest?! I'm already on a quest! A quest to get my swamp back!!"

Magneto looked at him half surprised. "Your swamp?"

"Yeah!" Logan was really getting pissed. "MY swamp! Where you dumped all of those mutants!"

Magneto thought about what he had said. "Indeed. Alright then, Wolverine, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

Logan scowled. He didn't trust this guy one bit. "Exactly the way it was?"

"Down to the last slime-covered toad stool."

"And the squatters?"

"As good as gone!"

Logan looked up at the bowman. In truth, it wasn't like he had much of a choice. "What kind of quest?"

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"Okay, so, let me get zhis straight."

Kurt still had trouble coming to terms about the quest and the deal Magneto had made to Logan. It just didn't make any sense to him.

"You're going to rescue a princess and fight a dragon, just so zhat Magneto can give you back your svamp, vhich you only don't have because he filled it vith zhe freaks in the first place. Is zhat right?"

Logan growled and turned back to Kurt. "Ya know what? Maybe there's a reason thar elves aren't common. They talk too much."

Logan and Kurt had been walking through a cornfield for several hours now, leaving a trail of vegetables so that they could find their way back in case they got lost. However, Logan was also eating some of the food at the same time, so they were running out of trail markers very quickly. Logan was nibbling on an onion at the moment.

Kurt just shook his head. Where was the big bad Wolverine that was so good at scaring people off? Where had he been in that whole discussion with Magneto about the stupid quest and everything? Taking a nap after fighting all of those knights? "I just don't get it, Logan. Why don't you just take him out? You know, throttle him, lay seize to his fortress! Grind his bones to make our bread! You know, the whole Wolverine trip."

Logan was about to correct Kurt about that whole grinding-bones-to-make-bread issue, but he decided to make a more prominent point.

"Hey, ya know what? Maybe I should've decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a plate! Could've used my claws to cut open their spleens and drink their fluids! Does that sound good to you?"

Kurt thought about this morbid image. "Uh . . . no, not really, no."

"For your information, there's a lot more to Wolverines than most people think."

"Example?"

"Example? Okay." Logan looked down at his hand. He still had his onion. "Wolverines . . . are . . . like onions!"

He put the onion near Kurt's face so he could smell it. "Zhey stink?"

"Yes. NO!"

"Or zhey make you cry?"

"NO!"

"Or you leave zhem out in the sun, they turn brown and start sprouting little vhite hairs?"

"NO!! Layers!" Logan peeled back several layers of onion, revealing more onion underneath. "Onions have layers. Wolverines have layers. See? Onions have layers? Ya get it, we both have layers." He threw the onion into the ground and let out an aggravated sigh.

Kurt stared at the onion. "Oooooohh, you both have layers . . ." He sniffed the onion and immediately recoiled. ". . . you know not everybody likes onions." He paused for a moment. "CAKES! Everybody loves cakes!" He bounded up to Logan. "Cakes have layers!"

"I don't care what everyone likes!" growled Logan. "Wolverines are not like cakes." He turned away again.

Kurt got to thinking again. "Have you ever heard of a parfait?" He followed after Logan again. "Have you ever met someone who said, 'Hey vould you like to go out for some parfait' and you say 'no I don't like no parfait.' Parfaits are delicious!"

"NO!!! You dense, irritating demon-lookin' pointy eared fuzz-for-brains! Wolverines are like onions!! End of story! Bye-bye! See you later."

Logan walked away from Kurt once more, who was left to ponder in his own way for a moment. Then he followed Logan again. "Parfaits must be zhe most delicious thing on the whole damn planet."

"Ya know what? I think I preferred your humming."

So they continued along, with Kurt complaining that he needed a tissue to clean up his slobbering from the thought of parfaits.

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Come on, people. It's still good, right? I'm still gonna get reviews from y'all, right? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME!!! Oh yeah, never mind. (shoots herself with a tranquilizer) Don't mind me, just need to take my medicine. See you . . . zzzzz . . . ;)