(Okay sorry, miss thang, for not submitting on time! Im never punctual dammit! And I never fulfill my promises!)

Someday My Prince Will Come

Chapter 18

It was midsummer already, and Jack felt utterly depressed and trapped for some reason. His mother was not that strict, he could come and go as he pleased, and yet he felt confined. A small sense of fear crept up on him, every time he saw Noah or Will. What power did Noah have over him, anyway? He was aware of the older man's fascination with him, but he did not think it should be bothering him as much as it was.

Jack was still considering asking Noah for advice on overcoming his fears, and seizing what he desperately wanted . . . and that was Will. He wondered if telling Will his feelings was a good idea, if he was really ready or grown up enough to offer Will anything.

At times Jack grew angry with himself, and wondered if he should be out there with all the other guys, just partying like crazy, no thoughts of love, or devotion, that according to Noah only existed in the heterosexual world.

"You are too idealistic Jack. All these excuses you have for waiting, for not going out there and getting what you want, they have nothing to do with you. You're just afraid, flat out. And you know, that things aren't what you want them to be." He had said not too long ago.

Jack knew he was right, but was still reluctant to go through with what Noah was asking of him.

Now, as Will walked beside him, the fear was mounting. An inexplicable feeling that plagued him with each passing day, weighed on him, making him feel as if he was waiting too long, as if he was running out of time. They stopped to buy some ice cream, both not caring about the nutritional value, or lack of it. The day was much too hot to be worrying over something like that.

"Jack. When was the last boyfriend you had?" Will asked suddenly. Jack froze in step, and scowled at him.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, well I've seen you talk to and hang out with guys in clubs and at parties but I've never actually seen you with anyone you actually cared about. I know I shouldn't be asking such a question. I mean you're still young, and so am I. But I was wondering if you've ever actually, you know, felt anything for anyone. Felt anything real."

Jack stared at his friend, wondering if he should tell him what he had been feeling this whole time. That ever since he met him, he wanted to be near him all the time, that he wanted to protect him and help him through so many things, that he himself didn't truly understand. He could just picture a magic moment, Will returning his feelings, the both of them undeniably confused and afraid, but it would be okay, because they were together and they would fight all the bad stuff, side by side. Jack smiled, a strange feeling erupting in his chest.

"I have felt that way. I have, and I still do. And not one of the guys you've seen me with, meant anything. Im still waiting. But Im going to make my move soon." He murmured mischievously.

"Really? You really like someone? What are you waiting for?"

"I want to be sure I have everything, and know everything before I tell him."

"Okay. Well that's great." Will grinned and patted Jack on the shoulder. A curious look crossed his features and he hesitated. "What's it like? Feeling something real?"

"It hurts most of the time." Answered Jack, truthfully. "Everything you do around that person makes you mad, because you are always afraid while you do it, you're constantly wondering if he knows, if he feels the same way, if he doesn't, if he's as dense as he was the day you met him."

"Wow." Will shook his head. "That's the most real thing that I've ever heard you say."

"What? I've said some pretty good stuff before." Said Jack, affronted.

"Well, not all at once!" Will smiled and looked down at his ice cream.

I've been wondering whether I've been wasting my time, all this time. I mean, I've fooled around, and played around, acted as if I was such a big shot, when really I think Im scared. I don't know if this is a good idea, going to Noah I mean. He said nothing would be weird afterwards, that I should not feel so obligated to do anything for him, after he did this for me. I still don't know if what I do with Noah, will change the way I feel about Will. I don't think it will at all. I mean, I've heard people say that once you go all the way, everything changes, you look at things differently. I mean I notice there's a huge difference between Frank, Noah and Will and I. You can see it so clearly. But Im hoping I stay the same, that I won't look at others as if Im afraid. Will this change me? I mean will it make me as harsh and untrusting as Noah is? Or will it make me crazy, like Jesse? I hope I can be like Will, and I hope none of us change.

'What am I doing here?' Jack asked himself, it was starting to look like autumn now. The winds were picking up and the sky was gray and heavy. Feeling tortured and alone, even though he had just left Will's side, Jack shuddered and looked up at the apartment complex.

'I'd better hurry.' He thought. Will had just been talking about a man he had met over the weekend. And that he was unsure of going out with him, but that he really liked him. 'I'd better hurry.' He kept telling himself. But he stayed frozen on the sidewalk. He was in his school uniform, he had started going to his old school a month prior. It didn't make much of a difference however. With James gone, he would not return to that school without remembering, but then he would not have anything to fear anymore. Now that he had returned to his old school, he was reunited with his old enemies, who lied low, but completely ignored him, which was twice as bad as being harassed.

Jack fingered the lapel on his navy blue blazer and sighed, a deep and dark anger was boiling in him, but this was superseded by a sadness that he simply couldn't understand. 'Why am I so scared? I've been waiting too long. Noah is beautiful too, this should not be a problem, but he's not Will. I want to have Will only. I want only Will to be with me. But how can I give anything to Will, if I don't know what Im doing?'

The wind curled around him, almost like a noose, and he shuddered. 'Will...'

"I better hurry..." he said to himself and began walking up to the door. His legs willed themselves to move forward, but his heart was still heavy with reluctance. He marched up the stairs, slower than he should have been, for his book bag only had a few items. For some reason he was praying that Frank would be there, and that he didn't have to do this, that he didn't have to prove himself until another time, when all this fear was gone.

'It'll always be here.' He saw now. No matter what happened, no matter how hard he tried, all those terrible things he tried to distance himself from; they would get to him and they would take over, and he would always have a reason to be afraid.

Jack knocked lightly on the door to the apartment. It took a few moments before Noah's face greeted him.

"Hello Jack. Come by to see Frank, he's not-"

"I know. Im not here to see Frank." he said softly and looked up at his friend's face.

"Oh." said Noah, understanding. "Come in."

Jack stared at him, not fully understanding what to think about this tall blonde person, this man who he hated at first, who he still didn't really fully like, much less trust. He was very good looking, very smart and Jack couldn't see why he would be wasting his time with someone who wasn't out of grade school yet.

"So, what're you doing here?" Noah asked, just to fill up space though, because he already knew what Jack was there for. And he got nervous. He poured himself a drink, and felt the bottle shaking in his hand.

"You told me you could show me. That's what Im here for." Jack said, almost coldly. He was as nervous as hell, his hands sweating, his blue eyes bright with fear. He was fully confident about being able to handle Noah and the situation, he was only afraid of what he would be like afterwards. All these terrible things he was running from, they caught up to him and changed him. Before he knew about the virus, and about the kind of hatred James exhibited, he was different, he was so optimistic, and idealistic, and now he was on the verge of losing all of that....

"Jack. You don't have to be afraid." Noah said, finally turning around to look at him.

"Im not. Im just angry. I can't do anything about it can I?" He asked bitterly.

"No. I don't think so." Noah sighed. "You want something to drink."

"No, Im fine."Jack looked up into Noah's eyes, and for a second he thought he shared the same remorse with him. A fleeting look of sadness rippled in the older man's gaze, and Jack all at once felt glad that Noah himself was not as ruthless and powerful as he acted. That in him, there were also doubts and insecurities...

Noah smiled, a stingy and almost pained smile. His eyes clouded over with something else in that instant, and everything changed.

I was wondering what would happen to me.

I was wondering why I was waiting so long. Im not some girl, in a religious family that has to wait for marriage. I was just using excuses, because all this time I was afraid, and I knew I would be different once I did this. Once I fully realized what I was, what I had to offer the world. And I see now, I was hoping for nothing. I was dreaming something else's dream. To meet someone? To pledge my undying love, and run away with them? I was bullshitting myself, and those around me. I never knew anything. I was always hiding and complaining.

But now I know. Now I know what its all about. There's no love, no magic about it.

I know now, what its like to feel someone else touching and controlling what you feel. I know now how good it feels. How unbelievably good it feels.

I know what its like to be torn apart from the inside, as if I were being split in half by something so evil and unyielding. I felt what he told me I would feel, and I felt nothing for myself. It was only him. I could see him moving and I could hear him telling me what I wanted to hear; and I could hear myself wailing, and I could feel it all as it happened.

I saw some blood, and I cried a bit. But he told me that would happen. He knew what I would do even before I did. Is that even fair? Is that even right? How does he know so much?

It hurt. Christ it hurt. But then it began to feel so good, and I felt ashamed for feeling so good.

But now that its over. I realize I've been afraid, and that Im still afraid. This didn't make me braver. It made me so mad I can feel myself getting sick with it.

I don't want to be told what I feel, what Im supposed to do. The next time this happens, its going to be me and Will. And only me and Will. I won't tell him what to do, I won't hold him down when he gets too nervous, I won't scream at him for not liking it. I'll just watch him and hope he'll know what to feel himself.

Because I love him. And I want to tell him. And when I do, it will be like I dreamed.

He is the one I was waiting so long for.

Jack woke up in a crooked position. He spent the whole night thinking and thinking. He felt like he had been run over by a train, twice. But he stretched a bit, his hair falling into his eyes. The white sheets were twisted around him, he was still naked, but he wasn't cold at all. His eyes focused on the ceiling for a while, until he brought himself to recognize that he was alone. The space beside him was empty. 'Where is he?' He didn't feel like sitting up yet, the lower part of his body was still aching.

Finally he turned on his side, to see Noah sitting in a chair beside the bed. The chair was pointed towards the bed, but Noah was gazing into space, a cold cigarette in his hand. He was shirtless, but had some jeans on. Once he noticed Jack was awake, he reached for his lighter and fired up his cigarette.

"Good morning." he said and took a long drag. He held it in for a moment and then exhaled. loudly.

"Morning?" Jack croaked and glared at Noah. "Was I here so long? It looks like night out there to me."

"Well, yes. Its three in the morning so, technically I must say, good morning."

Jack scratched his upper right arm, and stifled a yawn. He was still very tired, but didn't think he could stand being here any longer.

Noah looked on, seemingly aloof and uninterested. However, inside he really hoped Jack would stay a little longer. He wanted to keep watching him sleep. But another part of him said, to let go of these foolish sentiments and let him go. Its what he wanted anyway. He was in love with someone else after all. What did he care? Noah's expression hardened, and he could feel Jack's scorn for him.

"You put on quite a show last night." Noah said lowly.

"Me? No I think it was you who put on the whole show."

"No, Im serious. I never saw anyone cry so much, for so long." He said acidly, making Jack stiffen. "You should have warned me beforehand."

"Shut up! Shut up right now. All of it was you. It was all your fault!" Jack felt like yanking out his hair. Just looking at Noah was making him crazy. He lied back down fiercely on the bed and clenched his eyes shut. He felt so vulnerable and open, knowing that this person before him, had already seen everything on him, did things to him, showed him the things he needed to know. He had a certain power over him now. And he hated that. He hated him.

"You should clean yourself up." Noah said with a smile. "You probably have homework." He blew smoke up towards the ceiling.

Jack gave him a dark look and curled up on himself. "You should really quit. You have the nastiest breath I've ever tasted."

'Is this what it has done? Made me angry towards everything?' Jack asked as he furiously got back into his school uniform. He didn't even bother taking a shower. He didn't want to be here a moment longer. He didn't want to see Noah ever again. If that meant not seeing Frank anymore, that was fine. Right now, he didn't even think he liked Frank all that much either.

He gathered his things, and looked one last time at Noah, who sat staring out the window, with an almost sad look on his face.

"Bye Jack." He said softly. Jack left without a word.

"Bye Jack." Noah said again and closed his eyes.

Jack ran the whole way home. He had angry cars honk at him for crossing without warning, he nearly fell all over himself as he climbed the stairs that led to his house. He paused on the stoop before entering.

Racing up to his bedroom, he shook off his clothing and stuffed them into the dirty clothes hamper. He had barely noticed he was crying again. Rubbing at his face he ran into the bathroom and shut the door.

He knew the person in the mirror, but he didn't want to know him. He was different now.

'Its all fucked up!' He cried mentally and turned on the shower.

The pain was greater than he thought it would be. The hot water covered him, and he hissed as it traveled down his body, reaching the place where the pain was centered. A whimper escaped him but he began scrubbing, hoping all of it would go back to the way it was. That he hadn't been touched in such a way, by someone he didn't want or belong to. By someone who wasn't the one he had been waiting so long for.

"Will." He sobbed.