"Castor & Pollux"
An AU gothic SenRu ficlet by Arachay
Reposted with minor revisions: 08-09-2012

Series: Slam Dunk
Characters/Pairing: Kaede Rukawa-centric, and Akira Sendoh (SenRu)
Genre: YAOI/ Shounen-ai
Warnings: To be safe, it's NC-17 for yaoi incest, delusion, angst/tragedy, character death & sexual innuendo. My raw attempt at a gothic fic...
Disclaimer: Sendoh & Rukawa are creations of Inoue Takehiko.

It all begun… or should I say, ended… one snowy night in December…

I had run away from him. Out into the cold velvety night clad in nothing but my black kimono. It didn't matter how I looked or what I bumped into. I was going to die anyway. That much I knew.

He… I am talking about someone very dear to me -no… the only one who has ever even come close to my heart- has rescued me from unfathomable loneliness, and yet I run away from him… again. The sad truth is, I only wish to run away from myself…

The sorrow that fills my heart tonight, is even greater than the emptiness within me before I had found him. It was much better when I had been alone. Now, because of my carelessness, even he will be grieving over my shortcomings. The only way to escape the madness would be to take away my heart… But that isn't possible is it? My heart will continue to beat as long as I am alive. My love for him will not cease to exist until I rid myself of this misery called life…

It is all my fault. It is a curse of fate.

Akira... I hated him.

But hate has many faces… and perhaps I hated him because he was everything I could not be… or maybe because we were both perfect and we were each others' imperfections. I really can not clearly express the reason for my disdain. But it had always been like that, ever since we were kids.

When I was ten, mom and dad would leave me alone in school with Akira, who was only a year older than me. He was different, as was I, but he'd always creep me out with his strange perversity. If I refused to listen to him or watch with him, he'd bring his friends instead. I always thought I could avoid him, he bothered me. He always looked at me differently, it made shivers run up and down my spine. I didn't know anything about it back then... I'd just ignore him.

But Akira never gave up. He would bug me out of my little bubble, insisting that I play tag or basketball with him. He'd succeed, since I couldn't stand his annoying persistence. But during the games, he made me feel weird, as though, we were playing a different game and I was the toy. He'd grab me and I'd put up my futile struggle. This did me no good, since it just fuelled his attempts even more. He'd touch my face and kiss my cheek, which he tried every so often, but that was all, so I didn't think it was any harm. But one day during a heated game of basketball, he managed to pin me to the ground and kiss me roughly. The first time he tried to possess me. I pushed him away, shocked and repulsed by his actions.

Not only because we were both boys... Akira was my brother.

Akira was a genius, I admired him that much. But he was also sick. He had a sick sense of humor and an endless amusement for me. It was easy to tell. He got pleasure out of eliciting these sort of reactions from me. Disgusted, I picked myself up and headed for the lake. I felt sweaty and uncomfortably dirty after the strenuous exercise... So I took off my clothes and prepared to take a bath. Big mistake... that's when I first got the real picture of what was really happening between us. My brother, Akira, was obsessed with me.

As soon as I had stripped naked, I felt uneasy. I felt him staring hard at me, but I chose to ignore him. I always knew he was hopelessly hot-blooded. He was probably gonna tease me again about being queer, of having such a girly face and how I never showed any interest in any of my female admirers. So I had more important things in mind, I wasn't like him, I snorted to myself as I waded into the cold water. The water was soothing, and in a few minutes, I had relaxed and let the water massage my tense muscles. I closed my eyes and shut out all other distractions, I began to drift off into light slumber. No sooner had I done so that I was jolted wide awake by another naked body pressing against mine, and a mouth hungrily kissing my own. A muffled gasp escaped me as I confirmed my fears, it was Akira! He… he touched me, differently... Intimately. He caressed my body and whispered dark little secrets that I didn't want to hear… of fulfilling many pent-up fantasies. And I hated him for it. I hated him for his adoration... for pulling me into his sick world... I hated him the most, for making me fall in love with him.

Now two of us are caught in this madness… It happened there at that time, my first taste of sex and I could never forget… It was then, that my only brother Akira… had also become… my lover.

I loved Akira. I loved him too much to refuse anything he asked me. Maybe I was to blame as much as he was. Because maybe I did love him more than a brother. And I hated the fact that we had to be brothers. Though that obstacle was just a matter of whether we adhere to certain rules or not. Love and lust hardly set any barriers.

The incident became a catalyst of sorts. We were drawn together repeatedly by our mutual attraction and lust… Each night, shadows danced on my walls, when Akira would come to my room, seeking something only I could give. Even if I was fast asleep, he'd kiss me. Slowly he'd woe me with his lips and tongue and he somehow always knew that I wouldn't be able to resist for long… He'd tease me and claim my mouth till I woke up breathless.

And it would happen. I was never the same again...

I turned sixteen. A nice age to bloom in love, or so our parents thought. Little did they know of what was transpiring between Akira and I. That evening after my celebratory dinner, he had come up to my room after we helped mom and dad clear the kitchen. He got on my bed and we cuddled under the sheets. He silently caressed my face. I just looked into his eyes. Losing myself in them… I was truly happy then… as long as Akira looked at me. As long as I occupied all his thoughts, his fantasies. As long as he came back to me and kissed me in the same possessive way... But that was the last time.

Soon, it was time for him to leave for college, and that's when he began to change. The tension was starting to eat him up. He started to get violent, and we had horrible fights every now and then. If I was a girl, we'd probably ended up killing each other. But being boys make things much less complicated. We went to different universities, and I hardly ever saw Akira. I thought it was over, but when he came back it started all over again. Akira must've missed me so much... he was rougher and angrier than before.

I stayed in shadows... far from him... where he could not reach me. Akira shunned anything dark and obscure, but ironically it was also his endless fascination for this that caused him to be so obsessed with me. Yes, after all these years, the obsession was anything but forgotten. Like most obsessions, if not extinguished, became slowly self-consuming. An irreversible cycle triggered the moment he had laid his eyes on me. A flame of lust ignited from fragments of my empty soul he preyed on and pieced together. Like a broken doll that he fixes only to break and patch up again and break... Like a moth drawn to a flame... it was a sick inescapable law of nature...

I knew my fate was to accept him and let him take all of me… to embrace his soothing warmth inside me... it seemed so right... No aches, no barriers, no complications. Just him, in me. He was the perfect one who was always hungry for my body, and I was the one always hungry for him to violate me. But it was too much. The human body could not possibly take too much of something so divine... Our love was beautiful and perfect, yet flawed.

Everything is destined to die. I wanted to be free.

I knew what I wanted but I always struggled nevertheless… Just to make it more painful. More pleasurable. It was maddening, it was an addiction. But I never really understood, why it still felt wrong... when being with Akira was the only thing that made me happy...

Now I run away... though this scenario has played before me so many times. That night, it was more surreal than ever, I could see myself, running as fast as I could... feeling that oh-so-familiar tug within the recesses of my logic. There were just times that I didn't want to do it. That I didn't want to be possessed. That I wanted to be loved... That for once, I wanted him to care... To think about who I am as a person, and not just the worldly pleasures he could only obtain from my body... Was I asking too much? Was that really what I wanted? The answers continue to elude me.

I love Akira. My brother.

The cycle can only be broken if my heart stops beating...

When I free my soul from this sinful body that binds us...

We can only be together, if we are set apart...

I hear my own hollow laugh. I fear I have lost my mind!

I held up the knife. Its' edge gleamed in the full moon's eerie light. I thought its' sharpness tantalizing... The leaves rustle, he had caught up with me, his flawless form, bruised and scarred, tainted but pure... funny how beautiful creatures are prettier when bleeding... how one's desire for perfection only leads to demise.

He merely stood there, eyes fixed on mine... and all I could hear was the sound of his ragged breathing.

"I'm sorry Akira..." I said in the cold monotone that was in essence the same condition of my heart. "The more you fill me, the emptier I get. At least let me die with this happiness in my heart, before I lose my sanity."

"I need you Kaede. You know that." his words were tempting, but I've gone deaf long ago, and now all I can hear is the furious beating of my heart, and this insatiable lust for you screaming in my head... utter madness!

"Forgive me, I couldn't help it." I uttered my voice faltering now. But though tears roll down my icy cheeks, my heart is no longer my own. "I couldn't help it. My love for you is driving me insane Akira! I love you... too much." he doesn't react, but the sound of my own decrepit voice gives me the strength to do what I must. "Good-bye Akira."

I drive the blade deep into my gut. Hard and fast. The pain that courses through my veins were unlike anything I've ever felt. I feel my body protest at the cruel ministration, but much like what I am, even when pained, I'm always unable to do anything but succumb. My body gives in to the darkness, slowly swallowing me. I feel myself fall to the ground, weightless, a strange numbness washing over my senses, but to my utter grief, my lack of feeling was not attributed to a physical self-preservation reflex, but a delusion. A delusion fabricated by my mind to salve my breaking heart. The aching wound in my soul was more overpowering than my broken body. I wanted to close my eyes forever and finally be at peace, but not until I saw him one more time. Not until I see my beloved Akira look at me. And surely enough I find myself in his arms instead of the cold, snow-covered ground. His warmth felt nice, despite the cold poison spreading within me. I smile up at his beautiful face, his fathomless blue eyes... wanting to touch him but not being alive enough to. He brings his cheeks to mine. "Kaede..." Akira whispers softly. "I-I'm so sorry. This isn't how I wanted it to be..." he choked emotionally as tears fill his eyes and mingle with my own.

My beloved Akira, crying for me? For once in my whole existence, contentment begins to settle over my tired body. Akira loves me after all. I smile despite myself, glad that my heart was still beating enough for me to feel even just this one last happiness. Ne Akira... have you gone insane too? I tried to speak but felt nauseated and gurgled blood, he whimpered and looked at me with pure sadness in those deep blue eyes, it must be so painful to just watch as I suffered, his tears flowed ceaselessly now. And suddenly, I too felt his pain over mine, felt so guilty for doing this to him. "A-ki-ra..." I tried to sound fine, but this time, I would be in my most true self, unable to fool anyone. I was dying, and I knew it even before the knife had sliced my belly. I just wanted...

"D-Don't...cry... I-I wan-ted this..." I tried to reach up to touch his face but couldn't, he must've noticed cause he grasped my bloody fingers tightly as if desperately, as if the act would keep us together as long as we held on. "I... wanted you... to-love-me... I'm so...sor-ry..." I found it hard to breathe as I felt a gush of blood rise up in my throat and out my lips, staining the snow white floor. So weak now... I just wanted to stay alive long enough to see Akira smile again, but I knew he wouldn't. I couldn't... I started to loose my grip on his hand, sorrowful as I watch him lay me down on the snow, finally leaning down to kiss my lips gently.

"Kaede... please don't die..." he pleaded with tear-stained eyes. "Please... I won't make it without you... don't go."

Felt so tired, vision slowly fading, I knew it was almost over. I wanted to make sure he knew... I wanted it to be my last words... "I-I love you... so much Akira..." No matter what...

I knew he was holding me tightly as life slowly faded from me. I knew I heard him say he loved me... forever.

One day we will be together and we can be free to love each other. Till then...

I'll be waiting...

The smile never leaving my lips... as the coldness engulfs me.

Owari.

End Notes:

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A/N: Akemashite omedetou! O-tanjoobi omedetou Kae-chan! Sorry to do this to you on your special day...! Something I wrote long ago, and just tweaked with a bit and posted due to my imouto's insistence. I was surprised she liked it, but this is one of my crudest works, raw & barely edited. I am not completely satisfied with it, but I thought it was long overdue. I might fix this someday...

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