Again, I'm very sorry for the info dump last chapter. It unfortunately had to happen eventually, so I figured it's best to get it out of the way now. Anyways, onto the chapter. I'm a bit out of it as I write this one because I'm not very fond of last chapter honestly my apologies for being late on the upload.
"What's going on with me today?" I asked into nothingness.
Obviously nobody answered me. I've been sitting here asking that same question over and over, I still don't have an answer. Just yesterday everything was making sense. I had a mentor, a job, a home, a plan…
Now I'm sitting in the dark, staring at the ceiling of the room I've been graciously allowed to remain in after I failed to prevent a scene, I know what I need to do to improve; but no clue where to start, I worried and disappointed Mama Mia and was scolded by Ryuu. Not to mention Chloe had to save me from my own stupid choice to be confrontational.
All day, I've been an idiot. I should have tried to- No. I should have asked for help… I see… that's why Mama's so disappointed. She wanted me to ask, not just expect it or to go solo. She probably chose to try and show me this today because of the Dungeon incident.
I need to give her more credit. She's probably the sharpest person I've ever met. I think she knows that my wandering towards the depths has occurred more than once.
I really am an idiot… I need to apologize.
Why is it so hard to force my sluggish limbs to work right now? There's things I need to do, apologies to be made, work to be done. Even if I were to put it all off until later, I would just make things worse, not to mention at least I'd be doing more than I am now.
Slow down Bell, one step at a time. Mama Mia told me to think. I'll take the time she offered me. I'm nowhere even close to the mindset I need to be in to try finding the source of magic I apparently have. Maybe I should just, record a bit of my journey so far. It hasn't been long, but it's definitely been eventful.
Feeling a little bit of energy return to my limbs, I finally take control over them to force myself off my bed.
I take my time moving to the small desk in the corner of the room. I can't trust myself to actually do anything if I try to hard. It's not my first time having gotten like this, so I know I can handle it somewhat. It doesn't make it any easier though.
Sitting down on the moderately comfortable chair I'd been provided with, I grab the pen that had been included with my notebook and started writing.
I don't have any form of direction for this particular exercise, so I'll just write whatever comes to mind.
I write about my time struggling to find a familia, my first foray into the dungeon, meeting Ryuu and Mama Mia, my first quest, the scene at the guild's exchange booths, watching Ryuu's gorgeous emerald magic for the first time, my struggles with the continuity of my memories, meeting Pandora, finding a glimmer of hope to learn magic and finally, getting punched in the face for my own stupidity.
It's been less than a week since my adventure really started… I feel like it's been so much longer and also that it's barely been that long at the same time.
I've loved every moment of it. Even now I feel guilty because of how much I'm enjoying the life I'm living. I have a limitless mystery ahead of me in my magic studies and the way the Dungeon calls to me, I am slowly but surely making friends, I've got new gear being made for me by a living legend and I'm (sort of) living with a beautiful woman.
I shouldn't be happy, I just disappointed the first person to believe in me since I got to this city. I dashed her expectations on the rocks and now I need to make it up to her. I shouldn't be happy right now. I don't deserve to be happy right now.
And yet, I can still feel the slight upturn of my lips as I write down my experiences. I'm sure that no matter what, I'll always treasure the time I spend here at the Hostess and the start of my journey. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
First thing in the morning, I'll apologize to Mama. I handled the entire situation earlier poorly. I'll be better next time.
Ryuu… have to apologize to her as well. It was wrong of me to treat her as a free healing service, even if it was unintentional. I treated her like a tool and I partially know why. Simply put, getting healed by her let me be close to her and let me be captivated by the beauty of her magic as well.
I-I need to purge my Grandpa's ramblings of "A Man's Dream!" from my outlook on life. It was a pretty fantasy when I was growing up, but that dream really should have been one of the things to go with him when he died. The real world doesn't just pan out that way. The couple from earlier proved that much to me at least.
I can't try to force myself closer to Ryuu, no matter how gorgeous she is. It wasn't intentional up until now, but if I kept doing it after this wake up call, it would be wrong. If I want to see her magic or be healed by her, I need to ask her, not just expect her to help if I come in covered in blood.
The meow of a cat from outside the window breaks my focus. I quickly turn to take a look at the offending sound only to find empty air.
Oh well. That's a shame. I've always liked cats.
Anyways, I can feel it's getting late, I should close up my notebook and head to bed. Glancing down at the last page I had written on, I wasn't expecting to see Ryuu's magic circle, drawn to near perfection, to be on the page.
When did I draw that? Was it while I was thinking about her magic and zoned out? I've never been great at drawing, I know I couldn't draw this if I tried. Maybe it's a subconscious skill? I've heard that some people are actually worse at a skill when they try compared to when they do it without thinking. I mean just look at the story of Glotoneria!
According to Grandpa, when he was young he would trip over his feet constantly when he tried fighting. Apparently it was discovered by Zeus that the future legend became an unstoppable force when he was hungry though so the god trained him to always be in that state mentally, regardless if it was actually true. It was sort of like hypnosis I think?
I remember it fondly because Grandpa always seemed especially happy telling that story.
Suffice to say, Glotoneria eventually went on to slay the Behemoth in a single punch.
Obviously, I don't have that level of sheer talent. But if I can learn to consciously draw like this I'm sure it'll make learning magic at least a little easier. Being able to preform magic but unable to make any spells would be kind of devastating after all.
Closing the book, I stand up and get ready for bed. It'll be an early day again and I have an apology to make.
The offending first light of dawn wakes me yet again. I should really get some blinds or something… Pulling off the covers, I found my sluggishness from yesterday is completely gone. That's good. It means I've pushed through my problems. I know what I did wrong, I can apologize now.
Getting dressed into the same casual clothes from yesterday, I walk out of my room and down the stairs. Only to trip over myself at the bottom.
Mama Mia is already waiting for me. Why am I surprised? She's always one step ahead of me…
"So kid? What is it?" she asked.
I was expecting the question, but it still made me wince slightly. I know what I need to apologize for, but I still feel guilty about it regardless. So just being asked like that makes me feel worse than I do.
I know what I need to do though. I drop to my knees and bow low.
"I'm sorry."
Mama Mia, no, Mia Grand's face remained expressionless "What for? An apology is meaningless without knowing what you're apologizing for." She said a twinge of her disappointment leaking into her voice "And quit such a needlessly exaggerated gesture. If you can't even be bothered to meet my eyes then come back when you can."
I raise my head but keep myself low. I don't deserve to be equal to her right now.
"I've disappointed you, I caused you to worry about me, I've used your kindness as a given and I treated your employee as a tool. All of it because I didn't want to ask for help. I've suspected something odd about my urge to dive into the Dungeon for a while now, as I'm sure you know, I knew Chloe was nearby but still refused to ask her for help and screwed up royally because of it." My voice is quiet, but still audible in the silence of the morning.
Mia stared hard and long at me, watching every little twitch, every movement of my eyes, until she exhaled in relief.
"Do you feel guilty Bell?" she asked "Do you feel regret? Then that's fine. It means you're growing beyond your mistakes. What isn't okay, is thinking you are unworthy of my time just because you screwed up."
I'm confused… "What do you mean by that? To disappoint is to step further from equality?" That's what She always told me at least.
"Ha!" Mia laughed "When I find out who put that stupid idea in your head, I'm going to kick their ass six ways to Sunday!"
My confusion must be showing on my face because Mia got serious again "Listen Bell, failure is a part of growing and if a little disappointment was all it took for someone to no longer be worth my time, then there wouldn't be a single person in Orario worth speaking to. Not even Pandora. Don't just assume I'm gonna abandon you because you needed to learn. Falling is how you know where to put your feet."
Don't cry Bell… Don't cry… Dammit! I can feel a few tears falling from my eyes!
Mama Mia smiles gently at me "Have you learned your lesson Bell?" I nod "Good, now give me the name of the person who put that silly idea of failure in your head." She said as she offered me her hand.
Taking her hand with my own, I scratch the back of my head as she pulls me up. Gods this is embarrassing…
"I uhh, I don't actually know the answer to that. I'm having a hard time with my memories. I can remember events when something prompts them, but there's a few weeks I just can't seem to remember who the woman involved in that time was. The only defining information I have about her is that she could use four spells despite having a falna." Gods that felt awkward to say…
Mama smirked at me "Well, I haven't heard of anything like that, but I'll see if I can dig up any records. We'll figure out who this person is and sort out that busted head of yours at the same time! Haha!" her boisterous laugh is something I can tell I'm very quickly coming to draw confidence from. It's almost like her own way of saying that the problem's already solved.
"Now then…" Mia began, her voice becoming serious yet again "About your Dungeon problem." Ah I guess that would be the next order of business… "I'll be straight with you, and I want you to know this isn't because I doubt your capabilities at all. Hire a supporter."
Oh, she wants to make sure I have someone to keep me from killing myself. "That makes sense…"
Mia nods. "Good, supporters for hire are typically in the plaza at noon so that's your job for today. Feel free to use your free time however you choose." She said while clapping her hands. Good, lots of time to try and figure out magic. "Remember, you can be picky with your supporter. You'll be trusting your back to them and trusting them to be honest about what they collect. It's why people typically don't hire a supporter from outside their own familia. You don't have a choice though. For obvious reasons."
I see… so that's one of the benefits of being in a familia… I hadn't even considered that.
"You know… I bet if you tried to join a familia now you'd get in no problem." Huh? "It might even be better for you to have a proper support network, a party and familia funds, not to mention a falna."
I mean, it would make life easier but… "Nah, I've come this far. I feel obligated to see just how far a normal person can go with enough determination and luck. If I joined a familia now, I'd just be taking the easy way out. I'm committed to this path I'm walking. So I'm sorry to ask this of you, but please continue to support me."
I can feel her surprise as I extended my hand towards her, a genuine smile forming "Ha! Just what I was hoping to hear!" she laughed as she grabbed my hand and squeezed hard, I squeezed back and her smile grew "Your grip is stronger now. More confident. I'll make a hero of you yet!"
I can only smile. It's time to get to work. I'll apologize to Ryuu after work tonight.
Ugh. This is sooooo boring! I've been sitting in my room for hours now, "clearing my mind" and "finding a well of energy" but I haven't gotten anywhere! How do I even know if my mind is cleared?! What does that even mean?
I'm sure she would tell me "You'll know your mind is clear if the world and body is silent." Oh. That's a memory I actually have? Sure! Might as well be! Hey me? While you're at it, mind telling me her name? Or maybe why I can't remember it in the first place?!
No? Yeah, that's what I expected. Annnnd now I'm talking to myself. I'm going crazy! What's next? Am I going to start hallucinating cute elf girls coming to check on me?
"Bell? Are you okay? We heard banging from downstairs and Mama sent me to check on you."
"Oh look, there's one now!" I shouted. I really am going crazy.
"One what? Bell, is something wrong?"
Oh… my face heats up. That's… That's not a hallucination. That's actually Ryuu… "Never mind, just thought I was going insane there for a minute, please forget everything you saw!" I plead. Gods, I just want to bury myself in a hole now…
Ryuu tilts her head "very well then." Oh good, she's letting it go "What is it you're working on there?" she asked, approaching my desk.
"Oh that?" I gesture to the magic circle drawn in my journal "I'm trying to learn magic, and I sort of just drew it last night while I was zoned out." Like hell I'm telling her I drew it while thinking of her.
Ryuu bends down slightly to examine the drawing better.
Think pure thoughts… "How odd." She says "It seems familiar to me, but I can't recall having ever seen this design before."
"What do you mean? That's the magic circle you use when you cast your healing spell." How could she not have see it?
"Bell, are you sure you're okay? Magic circles are a work of fiction. Real magic is cast through a falna. It doesn't need a circle." Ryuu looked at me with a quizzical expression.
"Wait, you mean you can't see it? Then why do I see it every time you've healed me..." This changes things… Is it the falna that prevents people from seeing the circles? Or is it something about me that makes it so I can see them?
No, it has to be the falna. The way Odin wrote his journal implies that anyone can see a magic circle. I wonder what the reason the falna blocks it out is…
Theories later, I have a golden opportunity right now. I planned on apologizing after work but this works too. "Ryuu," I began, drawing her attention "I'm sorry for how I treated you. I shouldn't have just expected you to act as a healer for me. Please forgive me."
Her sky blue eyes searched my own for a moment before she smiled slightly "Apology accepted. I don't mind healing you, but do try to avoid making a habit of needing to be healed."
"Thank you Ryuu." I mean it. I can feel the last of my guilt fading away from the light of that small smile.
"I should return to work, I've longer here than I was supposed to. It was a nice break." And just like that, Ryuu left my room.
Did… Did Ryuu just smirk? No, I must have imagined it. The steadfast dedicated elf I know wouldn't have actually ditched work right?
Right?
Short chapter (3k words), again, I'm very sorry about the delay this time around. I feel much better about this chapter than the last one and I've been excited for the next chapter for a while now so I should be able to get back on track for Thursday uploads. I'm sure there was a better way for me to handle the last chapter but it is what it is.
To SentinalSlice, I'm glad you like the influence of other mythologies. I plan to include even more in the future and I take a not insignificant amount of time each week researching the myths and gods I involve so that I use as close to the original version as possible. For example, most modern sources consider a warrior of God (biblical) but originally he was just some guy with a lot of skill and luck. Either way, I always thought Danmachi wasted it's potential a bit by almost exclusively focusing on Greek mythology with few exceptions so it was one of my primary goals when I started to involve more to fully explore the wonderful world it has to offer.
See you all on Thursday! (Hopefully)