Germs!, a monk fanfic

Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Hope you enjoy this, it's my first Monk fic. I was inspired when listening to Weird Al's 'Running With Scissors' cd yesterday, and the picture of Monk singing this song just wouldn't get outta my head, scary! Oh, and on New Year's there's a whole Monk marathon, yay! Oh yeah, I wish you all a Happy New Year! Please review, it will make me smile!

Disclaimer: I do not own Monk, obviously. If I did I would not write fanfiction, I would write scripts. I don't own the song either, it is called Germs and is owned by Weird Al Yankovic, who frightens me. Anywho, on with the story!

One day Adrian Monk was watching Benji while Sharona was out shopping. He was randomly and severely scrubbing things in the apartment when the young boy asked him a startling question.

"Mr. Monk, what are you so afraid of all the time?" Benji asked his sterilizing supervisor. Monk just looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train. "You mean, no one has ever told you? Don't you know the dangers of this world?" he asked.

The child stared at him confusedly. "What do you mean? What could be so dangerous in this apartment? I don't see anything!" "Exactly!" shouted Monk. "You can't see it, but it's there! Benji, let me tell you about… GERMS!"

It then proceeded to get dark in the room, except for a stage light falling on Monk, and he started snapping his fingers. From out of nowhere strange music with a nice beat and pronounced bass began to play.

The strange man then looked at Benji and began to sing and dance around the room, the spotlight following him. He explained what there is to be afraid of with a catchy musical number, how convenient! He seemed to have been expecting this question some day and had thoughtfully prepared this answer.

Sometimes I really want to be alone,
But that's one state I'm never in!
Because I know that I've got millions upon millions,
Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin!

Germs! I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding,
Germs! But they just come right back again!
Germs! I can't even see 'em, but I know they're up to something,
Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been!

They're all over me!
They're inside of me!
Can't get 'em offa me!
I'm covered with ... microscopic bacteria!
What do they want from me?
What'll they do to me?
There's no escape for me!
I'm crawling with ... microscopic bacteria!

Now if I ever dare to go to sleep,
That's when they start their sneak attack!
In the morning I wake up in utter horror,
To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque!

Germs! Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face,
Germs! And there's more comin' every day!
Germs! I never said that they could camp out on my body,
I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away!

They're creepin' around my shorts!
They're under the bathroom sink!
They're ridin' inside my car!
They're swimmin' in my drink!
They're hidin' between my toes!
They're lurkin' in every kiss!
I got 'em way up my nose!
In every orafice!

I'm gonna show them who's boss,
I'm gonna get even yet!
Just gimme some Lysol spray,
Just hand me a moist towelette!
Don't tell me I'm paranoid,
I know that they're after me!
Look under the microscope,
See??

They're all over me!
I can feel 'em all over me!
Over every part of me!
Microscopic bacteria!
I know they're watching me!
They're always watching me!
They're coming after me!
Microscopic bacteria!
Won't somebody help me?
Please somebody help me!
You've got to believe me!
They're out to get me!
They wanna control me!
They wanna destroy me!
They're tryin' to kill me!
It kind of upsets me!

After the man finished his song, he looked to his audience, only to find that the boy was sitting there with a terrified look on his face. Monk took it to be one of fear from hearing the deadly truth about germs, when it was in fact a look of fear due to witnessing the frightening song and dance number just performed by his babysitter!

Benji looked at the man as if he had suddenly grown two heads, and ran out of the room screaming! Adrian just sighed and said, "I guess he was just to young to be traumatized with the truth."