Disclaimer: All characters, places and concepts in this fic were not made up by me except for the ones that were made up by me. Beware, this fic was written by a very bored person, indeed.

Chapter 1

Dear Diary,

Today marks the first day of work at Hogwarts. I cannot express in words how nervous I am. Apparently, this post is cursed, which doesn't help the nerves. I can't believe I'm not going to be allowed to wear jeans. I'm so unused to wearing full robes; I don't know how I shall handle it. Above all else, I am terrified about meeting my co-workers. Of course, I have met them before, but when they are in their own habitat, they become most fierce. God help me.

All her life, Athena Llelwyn had been the odd one out. Everyone she ever loved had died, which led her to believe that she could kill people with her mind. Unfortunately, she could do very little with her mind, let alone kill people. Although she truly wished to be a great Occlumens, she found the task too hard to bear, and very often misinterpreted whatever messages she received via brainwaves. She was barred from studying occlumency after mistaking a wizard's cry for help from a manticore into an order for macaroni and cheese. She was, needless to say, working as a waitress at the time.

Among her bizarre pastimes, Athena was completely in awe of muggles, and although she was pure blood, spent a lot of her life in the muggle world, listening to muggle music, watching muggle TV and living off fish and chips.

But when an old family friend, Albus Dumbledore, was desperate for a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Athena decided her hibernation from magic was due for an end, and she went back to teach the only art she was any good at.

Currently she wished she was back at her flat watching 'The Vicar of Dibley' in her pyjamas instead of standing in the Great Hall wearing the most uncomfortable shoes known to man.

"Breath." She whispered to herself as she crossed through the hall. She hadn't been here in such a long time. Though she promised to, she never returned to her old school, and now it seemed to her that nothing had changed. For a split second, she was that same, gawky fourth year that had walked through this same hall so long ago.

"Professor Llelwyn." Albus Dumbledore had snuck up on her while she basked in her childhood.

"Albus!" Athena gasped, clutching her heart. "You frightened me."

Dumbledore smiled with a twinkle in his aged eyes. "It's not very reassuring that a Defence Against the Dark Arts professor would be frightened by an old man in a pointy hat."

"Well, you know, as I child I was frightened of most types of llamas." Athena replied. Wrong thing to say. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

"Really?" he asked, assuring her towards the staff table. "I wasn't aware that there was more than one type of llama."

Athena stepped forward, taking her seat between Minerva McGonagall and Dumbledore. "Oh, yes, there are all kind of-…"

She was cut off in her conversation by the black haired man on Dumbledore's other side. 'How rude.' Athena thought, sneering. It's not like different types of llama was important, but it was the principle of the thing.

Athena completely forgot what was going on when she noticed all of the food stacked around her and the fork and knife so conveniently placed that she could eat said food.

"Are you at all nervous, Miss Llelwyn?" McGonagall asked as Athena shovelled a heaping forkful of bangers and mash into her mouth. Athena nodded vigorously in reply.

"Well," Minerva began, "Just keep in mind, no matter how badly you do on the first day, you'll never be as bad as Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Let's hope you're right." Athena said, loading more bacon on to her plate.

"Have you eaten at all in the past few days?" Minerva asked, shocked at the prospect of this tiny woman eating more than twice her body weight in bacon.

"Nothing but fish and chips." Athena replied, pouring syrup. Athena lived above a fish and chips restaurant, and if she promised to spread the word, she would get free fish and chips, all you can eat. All she ever had to do was begin and end every conversation with "Harold's Fish and Chips: If it swims, might as well fry it." Harold's recently went out of business due to false advertising. Sponges don't as much swim as sit still.

"That can't be good for your health," Minerva said, cringing at deep fat fried meals 24/7.

Dumbledore had stopped talking to the sallow faced man, and he now turned back to Athena.

"Pardon my horrid manners," Albus said, placing his napkin on his lap. "Severus had some very important news to discuss with me. What were you saying about llamas?"

Severus. A little 'bing' went off in Athena's head. She ran the name through her head. Severus. Severus. Severus. Well, now it just made no sense. Why did that name sound so familiar?

"Yes…….." Athena whispered, resolving to think about it later. "Anyway, there are a surprising many kinds of llamas."

Severus glared at her out of the corner of his eye. Every year he missed the post. Every blasted year. And this girl was nervous, too. He could sense it, even without eye contact. Plus, the fact she was tapping her fingers about four billion times a minute wasn't helping her case. She was so young. This was just insulting. She couldn't have been older than thirty. Hatred boiled in his veins. This little blonde girl was not going to stand in his way.

Breakfast had finished, and as the students shuffled out to their first classes, the new professor followed slowly behind. As he himself stood to exit, he noticed he was at least a head taller than her, and for a moment he relished the thought of knocking her out, hiding her in a broom closet and taking over the post. It sucked being a professional.

He watched as her golden head bobbed through the crowd and out of sight down the corridor. She had gone to teach the coveted class, and he had to return to the dark dungeons to teach those effing dunderheads things they would never truly understand.

Athena stood in front of the class room, a piece of chalk in her hand and a blank look on her face.

"Good morning, everyone." She said in a voice higher than her usual. "Welcome to Defence of the Dark Arts."

She paused, as if waiting for people to ask questions.

"Ok." She continued. "Today, we're going to be learning the Conjunctivitis Curse and how to relieve yourself of it."

Again, long pause, no questions.

"Everyone find yourself a partner." She said, fiddling with the piece of chalk. "Actually……… this curse is rather painful."

The students that were at first getting up from their seats and stretching their wand hands froze in place and stared blankly at the professor. Athena scrunched up her face in thought.

"None of you are overly sensitive, are you?" she asked, pleading that she wouldn't have to change her schedule.

Everyone in the class turned their heads to look at one podgy Gryffindor boy on the edge of the first row. Athena looked at her placing chart. Neville Longbottom.

"Alright then………" she concluded, her mind racing, "Anyone here have an unusually high pain threshold?"

Again, long pause, no volunteers.

Finally, a hand went up. Athena nodded.

"What exactly are you looking for when you say 'high pain threshold?" a light Slytherin asked.

"Well," Athena said with a smile, "I mostly mean someone who won't go running around screaming 'oh, dear god, no' when I curse them. Someone calm, preferably."

A blonde Slytherin boy stepped up to the front. "I'm not afraid of some stupid eye curse." He said, sneering as if Athena had challenged him.

"All right, Mr. Malfoy." Athena said, reading the name of her chart. The students sat back in their seats, watching as Athena raised her wand.

"Now," she said gripping her wand and pointing in straight at Malfoy's eyes. She didn't notice how many Gryffindors were wearing huge smiles on their faces. "Hold the wand tightly and say 'Conjunctivus!'"

A ray of red light burst from the tip of her wand and struck Malfoy in his left eye. It immediately began to swell; first it grew pink and puffy, then to the size of a golf ball, and the suddenly it was the size of a baseball. In response to this, Malfoy did the exact opposite to what he said he was going to do.

"Oh my god!" Malfoy screamed, cupping his hand over his swollen eye. "What have you done to me? I can't see! I've gone BLIND!"

Athena, meanwhile, was trying to get her wand in between Malfoy's fingers to remedy the wound. "Oh, for Merlin's sake………" she exclaimed, prying his fingers from the sticky, red mass of an eye, as the Gryffindors laughed and the Slytherins gasped in horror.

"You're not making this any better on yourself," Athena screamed over the din, nearly shoving her wand in Malfoy's eye while holding his hand down with hers.

"Visorus!" was accompanied by green fireworks and another scream, and Malfoys eye shrunk to normal as he fell to the floor.

There was a stunned silence.

"Well," Athena said, nervously, "Now we know what NOT to do."

Malfoy got up from the floor muttering something about his father and retreated to the back of the room.

"I guess that's all for now." She said, rubbing her hands together. "Read Chapter One of your books for tonight and I'll see you all tomorrow."

As the students left her room, Athena couldn't believe that Gilderoy had been worse than her.