My Heart Doth Wander
Chapter 11 : Dodging
Oh daddy, you know you make me cry...
How can you love me? I don't understand why.
Oh daddy, if I could make you see...
If there's been a fool around, it's got to be me. Yes, it's got to be me.
Why are you right when I'm so wrong? I'm so weak but you're so strong.
Everything you do is just so right.
And I can't walk away from you, baby
Even if I tried.
"Oh Daddy" – Fleetwood Mac
Two days passed by in Knothole village. They were odd days...seeming to drag at some points, and speeding along merrily in others. The leaves didn't quit falling at their manic pace. Soon all the tree limbs would be bare.
Sally wasn't a big fan of winter. She dreaded its coming. At least...now that she and Sonic had reconciled...she no longer need fear spending the cold nights alone. She could imagine cuddling with him in the cafe before the fire, like they had last year.
There was one good thing about winter, then.
Of course...they normally cuddled by the bonfire on summer nights. So...
Maybe there wasn't one good thing about winter, then.
"I find it kind of strange...that the little molerat didn't fight back at all," Geoffrey was picking at his teeth as he stood on the edge of the community garden. Bunnie and Sally were knelt down on the earth, pondering how long it would be before the crops would be gone for the year.
"Please, don't ya'll be insultin' molerats," said Bunnie, her merry laugh filling the air.
"Heh." Geoffrey snorted. "Ya gotta point there, Ms. Rabbot. But still..." He kicked roughly at a weed; the poor thing was already half-dead anyway. "It is weird, ain't it?"
"Shore. But we are talkin' about ole Snively here. What ain't weird about 'im?"
"It's pure laziness," said Sally. "I just think Snively is too lazy to retaliate. He probably figures we can't hurt him."
Bunnie half-heartedly pulled a few weeds. "Well, I dunno. Maybe he jest knows it's a losin' fight. But he ain't about to just give in. So he jest sits there."
"Maybe he's plannin' something huge," said Geoffrey. "Givin' us a false sense of security. Maybe he wants us to think he's an idiot."
"At any rate..." Sally stood up, brushing dirt off her knees. "We have to start planning for the next mission."
"Is it going to be the ONE?"
Sally shrugged. "I don't know. Should it be?"
Geoffrey gave her a sidelong look, spitting out his toothpick. "Well, we don't intend to keep playin' around, do we? What kind of question is that, luv?"
"I don't know..." She sighed and adjusted her vest, staring dully off towards the meeting hall. "I guess maybe...maybe I just don't feel like fighting anymore. Even though...it would be the last fight. You know?"
"No." Geoffrey was frowning. "I don't. I'm lookin' forward to the last fight."
Bunnie was intent – or pretending to be – on pulling weeds. "Change can be scary. Even changes fer the better." She finally looked up, leaf-green eyes...the only hint of Springtime around... seeking out Sally. "But everythang changes."
"Real phil-O-sophical, Ms Rabbot." Geoffrey scoffed. "But it shouldn't even be a matter of bein' scared. We HAVE to take down Snively, that's all there is to it. Why wait? The more we wait, the more time we're givin' him to plan out more shit."
"Is ole Snidely even that smart?" Sonic revved into the garden, knocking Geoff's beret off his head. "Why you guys even botherin' with weeds? All that stuff is gonna be dead soon."
For some reason, the statement unsettled Sally. She felt her mouth twisting.
Why bother breathing if you'll just die? Why bother eating when someday eating won't matter? She stared around at them, the Freedom Fighters. Why bother fighting...when the outcome is the same? Whether you win or lose...you die eventually. So you lose everything you've won...and everything you've lost doesn't hurt anymore.
"Because it makes the garden tolerable," She uttered in a flat voice.
Because it makes the time before you die tolerable.
'Maybe that's all life is.' She stared down at the wilted plants. 'Maybe it's just a transition between worlds. We think it's more than it is...more important...or more sacred...but maybe the real life begins after death.'
Geoffrey was giving her an odd look. She recognized it as that look from earlier that week. That 'I know something you don't' look. Or perhaps it was more like... 'I'm in on a secret...involving you.' She couldn't quite accuse him of that...it was just a look, but it still irked her. She wanted to ask him what his problem was. But he spoke. "Maybe you should talk to someone about those kind of feelings, luv."
She gave him a hard searching look. He merely smiled and fished in his shoulder belt for a cigarette.
He was up to something. He knew something. But she wasn't going to talk to him in front of the others. Later, maybe.
"You're right," said Sonic. "It does look nicer without the weeds."
"Well...get pulling," said Sally, with a half-hearted smile. Her eyes were on the smoke curling away from Geoffrey's mouth...from his smirking lips.
'I'll find out what you're hiding...' She directed her thoughts at him, hoping he'd feel the weight, the probing drill of them.
Geoffrey turned his head her way and a puff of smoke was blown in her direction. He winked.
From the mind of Sonic the Hedgehog, Way confused Hedgehog of Mobius
"Robotropolis Raid?"
"Yeah. It's a real fun game!"
"Ok..."Tails' chest puffed out in pride; he aimed a finger at one of the wolf cubs, a small dark gray female. "Nadie, you can be Casssar."
"Casssar?"
"Yeah, she's Snively's girlfriend. She's totally wicked."
"I don't want to play someone wicked..."
"C'mon. It'll be fun. I heard she has magic powers."
The girl's eyes lit up. "I have magic powers! I'm training to be a Tribe Shaman!" She kicked wistfully at the ground. "Actually...I don't know any real spells yet..."
"Really?" Tails looked intrigued, forgetting his childish authority for the moment. "What kind of spells do Shamans do? Can you shoot fireballs n' stuff?"
"Shaman are more like protectors and soul guides. And healers." She smiled. "Shaman are wise and respected. But..." She giggled nervously. "I have a long way to go before any of that."
"It's still way past cool," said Tails.
"Who am I?" piped up the other wolf.
"You can be Snively." Tails once again obtained his chest-puffing superior air.
"Who's Snively, anyway?" The wolf scowled. "I heard he isn't much of a Garato at all!"
"Garato?" Tails cocked his head.
"Yeah. You know. The boss?"
"The leader," said Nadie.
"Oh. Ok. Yeah, I guess he's not, really."
"Fine, though, I'll be him. And who are you?"
Tails looked devilishly proud. "I'm Sonic!"
Dulcy blinked. "You are?" She laughed. "Better get some blue paint...""Yeah, whatever," Tails scoffed and poked his friend's scaly side. "Who you gonna be?"
"Hmmm." The dragon looked thoughtful, and then smiled her toothy grin. "I think I'm gonna be Dulcy. Can't get much cooler than Dulcy."
"Ok, let's play then!"
The children rushed off into the thick of the forest, and I could hear their whoops of laughter.
'Who's Snively, anyway?' The kid had said. He was the little runt who wanted to be like Ole Uncle Robotnik. We'd met him before Robotnik. I think our first face-to-face encounter was when I was eight years old. Me and Sally had been snooping around a factory and the runt had been patrolling that day.
I thought he was funny. He was not much bigger than us and his voice was funny. And he wasn't like the hulking monstrosity that I remembered Robotnik to be when he first took over...and...roboticized Uncle Chuck. I thought it was funny that a guy like Snively would even be associated with Robotnik. He seemed so weak and...not evil. Not evil at all.
I felt sorry for him sometimes.
I don't really...anymore. I don't think. It's hard to be sure of stuff nowdays!
The thing that's the most weird is Sally. Man, she seems to get so pissed when it comes to Snively, now!
Before Robotnik bit the dust, Sally never seemed to pay attention to him. She even told me to stop when I was teasing him, sometimes. But now...
It's like she's fixated on him. Like me with a chilidog, but only not in a good way. It's almost like...they have some connection or somethin'...somethin' I can't see. I want to ask her, but I know she'll get real angry. She won't explain it to me...Sally's like that sometimes. When something's really bugging her, she keeps it to herself. I guess everyone does that, even me, sometimes. Some things are like...personal, you know?
But I wish...I really wish she would share it with me. I mean...I could never hate Sally. Even if it was really bad. I might not get it, but I just know I could never hate her. Ever.
But I feel like there's parts of her I don't know at all. They're as much a stranger to me as Snively is. And that really scares me.
But don't tell anyone.
I'm supposed to be fearless, remember?
A pungent curl of smoke lifted from King Acorn's pipe.
Sally wrinkled her nose, but truthfully the odor was not unpleasant in the memory department. Knothole village had not just been a secret haven for the king in times of war, but a vacation spot as well. She could remember, before the Coup, trips her father had taken with her. Trips to the Floating Island, trips to Mobotroplian Bay Beach. And trips to the idyllic Knothole Village.
King Acorn's hut was still the most lavishly decorated, with wing-backed chairs upholstered in velvet, beautiful heavy wood furniture, thick rugs covering the floors and tapestries hugging the walls...and it was the only personal hut that had its own fireplace.
She remembered, vaguely, like some spark of happiness so buried under a mountain of depression...that it seems to be a figment of imagination, mere splinters of hope. She recalled sitting before the fireplace, with attention rapt on her father, his pipe smoking, as he recounted stories of love and peace, war and darkness, and hope even amidst the corpses of a battlefield.
So long ago. When Knothole village was just a casual get-away and not a last remaining sanctuary against evil.
Her eyes must have been glazing, because her father shot her a querying look, setting the pipe aside. "Well Sally, something must be on your mind."
"Yes."
"Why not go to Cu Chulainne?" He lowered his voice upon speaking the entity's name.
"Why can't I come to you?" She said defensively, crossing her arms over her chest. She felt stung for some reason, even though she knew he wasn't trying to be cold.
He sighed. "I never said you couldn't, dear. You just seem to prefer its advice of late."
She floundered a bit. "No...it's just..."
It doesn't judge like you.
"Oh...I don't know..."It doesn't get disappointed like you...
"It's just..." She stared down at her hands. Long slender fingers, so unmistakably feminine.
It feels comfortable.
"It sort of feels like another parent. Like a mother..."
I can talk to it like I can talk to no other.
Her father wasn't looking at her; his mustache was drooping.
"I mean...just the way I can speak to it, like..." She trailed off.
"I know I failed you and your mother. But..." He was avoiding her gaze, his hands fiddling with the pipe. "But...I'm here now, Bean. I'm trying to be here now."
"Oh daddy..." A rush of emotion made her eyes cloud and her throat tighten. "No, that's not what I meant! I know you're here. You...you were always with me. Your words, they were with me. You helped me so much more than you..." She touched his arm. "...than you know."
He took an inhale from the pipe and blew a shaky smoke ring. "Ah, well yes. Thank you, Sally." His tone became heartier. "Now, you had a question for me?"
"Geoffrey," she said, after a slight pause.
"Geoffrey?"
"His behavior lately...it's just unsettled me."
"He hasn't been uncouth, has he?" The King's brows knit together in the beginnings of protective anger, but Sally shook her head.
"No. Not that sort of thing. He just is acting...like he knows something."
"Something?" King Acorn laughed dismissively. "I imagine the man has accumulated knowledge on many 'somethings' in this life."
"Daddy!" She frowned. King Acorn was puffing unconcernedly on his pipe. "No. Something secret. Something he's not supposed to know."
Her father coughed and looked flustered. She couldn't tell if it was from the pipe smoke or her statement.
He waved a bit of the smoke away, his smile becoming languid again. Finally, with his eyes focused on his pipe, he spoke, "And why do you think that?"
"I told you...he's acting odd. It's the looks he's giving me."
"Maybe you're just imagining it. I'm sure it's nothing."
"It ISN'T nothing," she said firmly, eyeing him closely. He seemed just a bit TOO casual, just a bit too unconcerned. Yeah. Geoffrey wasn't the only one with a secret around here. "Daddy, what does he know?"
"I'm afraid I can't read his thoughts, dear." The King shrugged, smiling blandly. "You may have to ask him yourself." His smile became slightly more strained. "If you really think it's appropriate to pry...that is."
She eyed him shrewdly, and then speaking carefully: "Why do you care if I 'pry' into his business? Surely it shouldn't be any worry to you?"
He eyed her back, puffing again on the pipe, unconcerned.
Or rather...
'Feigning it,' thought the daughter fiercely. 'I know you're hiding something. You both are.'
He seemed to be picking his words as carefully as she had. "It doesn't concern me, per say, but as you are my daughter, your behavior does reflect upon me somewhat."
"Oh," she repressed saying 'puhleeese!' in that sarcastic tone that sometimes drove Sonic nuts. "Since when have you worried about that?"
What a lame excuse. And he knew it. He turned away from her on the pretense of filling his pipe with more herb.
"I don't...I wouldn't...it's just the discord amongst the villagers. Regarding...well..." He cast her a pointed look. "The business with Robotnik. There's enough..." He seemed to be trying to think of a delicate way to put it, then decided, since she was Sally, she could handle it harshly. "...mistrust of you going around."
"Well gee," she couldn't stop her voice from sharpening to a razor's edge, "If we could maybe...I don't know...tell the truth! That could HELP a little bit!"
"Absolutely not." He was no longer trying to be delicate. His tone was like a guillotine, trying to sever the conversation completely.
Sally was not to be beheaded that quickly. "Why not?!" Her fears, her frustrations...begin to bubble up. "Who knows if OUR kingdom is ever going to exist again?! What does it matter if some silly 'royal' secret is spilled now, I wonder? We don't even have a royalty anymore. We won't EVER have it again."
"Don't be absurd," he looked shaken, but his voice didn't change. "We will defeat Robotnik's childish nephew. It's just a matter of time."
"We might." Her thoughts were turning black. "And then what. I can't see things ever...I...can't see a world of good anymore."
"Sally," he put his hand on her shoulder. "You mustn't lose hope."
It sounded so old and tired. She'd heard it in a thousand storybooks. Fairy-tale battles were never futile...no matter how far light had succumbed to darkness. Hope prevailed, always.
She'd believed those books as a child. It just made sense that good would win. It was the right thing, so therefore, it must always be triumphant! Now she saw the silliness in such naivety.
'Hope is a crutch for the foolish...' A voice whispered, dark and sinister, in a deep corner of her mind. Her father's hand squeezed gently on her shoulder...and the voice snickered. It made her furious.
"And why not?!" She suddenly exploded, recoiling. "Why aren't I allowed to lose hope! Everyone else is! What...am I better than them? That's what it's supposed to be...I'm supposed to be better...I'm supposed to be stronger, because I'm a Princess?"
"Now, Sally-"
"Because I'm a Princess?" She repeated, shrilly. Half of her realized she sounded childish. The other half, frustrated and afraid, didn't care. "Well...I'm not. I'm not better...and I'm not stronger." Her shoulders slumped, and her voice lowered, like the fire had died as suddenly as it had blazed. "I'm just a normal person...."
"But it's our duty. Everyone has a duty."
"I didn't choose it," she said, sinking into one of the plush armchairs.
"I know it's hard," he said. "In fairytales (she jolted, it was like he'd read her mind) it seems so simple. Every little girl wants to be a carefree princess. Only when they get older do they realize it's not carefree or easy. Sometimes..." He paused for a breath. "Sometimes people think...the higher up you are...the easier it is...but it isn't. It definitely isn't."
"You're not just responsible for you..." She said. "I know." She kicked sullenly at the floor. "Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Any of it. The fight. ...Life."
King Acorn puffed on his pipe. "Everyone feels that way sometimes."
But like this? She felt a surge of desperation so raw it almost choked her. It didn't feel like her emotions. She wondered again if it was Snively's smeared fingerprint on her soul. Was it his blackness encroaching on her? If only he knew the damage his thoughts did. He'd laugh.
'Or maybe it's youuuuu....' Her mind whispered in a snake hiss. 'Maybe you're just weak. You're a fake. You tried to convince everyone that you could hold things together, but all the bricks in your wall are falling out. They were all along.'
'Shut up. It's not me. It's not me. It's Snively. It's his thoughts!'
'You and Snively are a lot alike, eh? He thinks he's something he's not too. He tries so pathetically hard to pretend he's worth one damn cent too!'
'Shut up.'
He was laughing...he was laughing his fool head off at her. He was crying even, from such mirth. Her face was burning and her eyes were filling too.
"Sally? Are you all right, child?"
She snapped her head up. "What does Geoffrey know?" She said. "What is he hiding?"
"I told you-" The King nearly dropped his pipe, startled by her sudden return to the topic. She glared daggers.
"I have no idea what the-'
There was a loud thumping on the door. "My Liege," a voice called outside. It sounded like one of the wolves. "They have announced dinner...and we would enjoy your presence."
The King got up quickly and opened the door. Sally used the hem of her vest to wipe her eyes.
Diablo of the Wolf Pack stood outside, along with Lupe, and a wolf child, who peered in at Sally with that direct examining gaze that children have. It annoyed the usually tolerant Princess.
The three wolves lowered their heads briefly before the King, and then Lupe spoke. "We are looking forward to planning a take-over of the city. Your input is most desired!"
"Of course...of course," the King said graciously. "I would love nothing more than to see our Capitol restored."
"It could take days...weeks...years," Lupe nodded. "But it WILL happen, my Liege."
The charcoal-gray cub was still eyeing Sally. "It WILL happen," she repeated, sounding not so much like an echo as a definite confirmation of Lupe's vow. It made Sally's heart lift, for some reason.
'Hope may be a fool's crutch...but it's better to walk with a crutch than to crawl on your knees.'