My Heart Doth Wander

Chapter 13 : Life is what you make it

And anger should be

The tool of a clown, or a fool, you see

Why should such spite and such pain

Hang between you and me?

When love should be

The queen on her throne

Looking after her own.

"Hem of his Garment" – Faithless

Dear Journal...

We will go in with explosives and the slinking of quiet shadows upon the ground. We will go in with the Foolish, the Brave, the Weak and the Doubtful. Some people will embody all of these. Some people will embody only what they can fit into their souls. I suppose that's arrogant. To assume my feelings are more complex than the feelings of a village gardener.

Has my royal status corrupted me that much?

My clone, those few years ago, said that 'In the Great Forest, titles are meaningless.' I don't know if Robotnik programmed her to say that to mock me...or if it really is true. Or is it false? Does my title influence my decisions? Does it make me believe my concerns for Mobian Life are more crucial than the concerns of any other folk?

This hurts my heart and head, Journal. Sometimes...

Sometimes the darkest blackest part of my heart wishes for release from all this.

I wonder if HE thinks that too. He wove his own torturous life! Damn it! I should NEVER NEVER feel pity for him! It's just...his mind is still on me. He DOESN'T think the thought of dying is wrong. He doesn't think escaping is crazy. But he doesn't want to, you know. He wants to live, to spite us all. Maybe that's the only reason behind it all. He lives only to kill the ones he believes made him feel that way. He lives to kill the ones who made him want to die. Bringing death because he wants death, and yet he hates the idea that he wants death, so he must LIVE to punish those who brought about that feeling. What a cycle! What a horrible gray tunnel that must be. I wonder if there's a light at the end of it.

Sally took her pen and began to scribble the last passage out. She used heavy angry strokes, carving the impression into the pages below.

"I won't feel pity for him!" She hissed fiercely, tears starting to burn in her eyes...and she didn't know why. Finally, she threw the book down and knocked her candle onto the floor, curling her body on the straight-backed chair, her arms about her knees and her head tucked down...

She found herself sobbing, sobbing as if she'd witnessed the death of all things loved in the world. Sobbing as if she'd lost her reasons for living. Sobbing because...

'Living is overrated.' Snively said...

He'd said it one time, she couldn't recall when...but she knew he'd said it. It haunted her. Where had she heard it?

It was like a dream...for when had she spoken candidly with Snively, especially about matters of life and death? She could see him though, there was light haloed strangely around his head, and his eyes were glinting, filled with light even as he spoke of darkness. And he was so tall...

'Something he said to me, perhaps, when I was first enchanted by Cu Chulainne. Cu made me fall in love with him. I'm glad I don't remember that. VERY glad!'

It gnawed so badly that she couldn't stand the teasing little thought, chewing on her memory like a hungry rat. She got up from the chair and left. In the midnight darkness she crept to the cave.

Halfway there, she smelled cigarette smoke. Geoffrey was lounging outside his hut. He didn't see her. She wondered if he could feel her....if he knew her intentions. She saw no one by the pool's edge or in the gloom of the forest. An owl call made her fur prickle. She left the bird behind as the cave door slid closed behind her and she was bathed in the soothing light of the Source and its protector.

"Cu," she said to the entity, "You can take away memories...so can you uncover them too?"

The entity glowed softly. -I can.-

"Then uncover this," said she, and she told Cu the mysterious snippet of memory. She felt the warmth of the entity connected to her, the strange lazy shifting in her mind, like pages of her memory were being turned...but oh so gently.

-I have found it.-

Sally felt like there was a pause in the pages' turning. If she could imagine the book of her life, she thought the page had stopped quite close to the beginning.

-Shall I tell you of the memory or would you like to see it?-

"I want to relive it," said Sally. "I want to see it."

-As you wish.-

Sally was glad that Cu was neutral. Her own mind was judging her quite harshly. 'Do you just want to see him again-'

She blocked it out. She forgot it as she fell into memory. It played out as vividly as if she were seeing it in real-time.

A little girl was walking along the corridors of her father's palace. She was not skipping. Her mentor, who had fallen ill, had told her proper ladies don't skip. Sally thought maybe she would skip, since Julayla couldn't see her. 'For I am NOT a lady yet! If I was, then I would not be treated like a child! So, if I am a child, then I can skip if I want to!'

Sally was an articulate and clever child, at her full five years of age. But she didn't know her world poised on the edge of disaster. She would know this, in a few months time, when her father's trusted Warlord Julian would betray. But for now, she was content in a day off from Julayla's prattling and lessons.

She paused to decide what to do with her free time. Go see Sonic? He was still in his studies with Sir Charles. Likewise for Bunnie and the others.

She decided to go to the garden, at least for a while.

So she went. The lush green grass and beds of flowers usually attracted the attention of many castle folk. But she didn't see anyone here today, save for the gardener trimming the hedges. It was probably because it was so early in the day. She usually wasn't in the garden until much later.

There was one other person, she found, a while later, after strolling down the sunny paths, enjoying the scents (not enjoying the bees). He was standing between two slim trees. His back was to her; he was gazing out at the city below the palace's hillside residence. His hands were above his head, holding and tangled within a mess of vines that hung between the two trees.

"Hello," she said, and there was no response, so she made her way around, halting in front of the silent boy.

She hadn't been able to see his hands clearly, or their strange lack of fur. It was the Overlander boy who was apprenticed to the large Overlander Warlord, Julian. Sally wasn't sure what to think of either of them, besides the usual 'What strange creatures! Why don't they have fur? Can we trust them? Daddy, can we? Why are they so different from us?'

Her father had said: 'Sally...I know you have heard rumors of all Overlanders being vicious cruel creatures, but it is not so. We cannot prejudice against others because they are different from us. We can only judge a creature by its own actions, not the actions of its kind.'

That made sense. So she tried to see them both with eyes not tainted by the stories she'd heard of other Overlanders. Still...she could not help but dislike Warlord Julian. She didn't trust his eyes or his smile. The boy...she still wasn't sure. But there was something unsettling about him, too.

Right now, he was ignoring her, his eyes still focused on the city below. His expression was an odd sort of mulling...and yet...apathetic. Like he didn't really care about the dilemma he was brooding on.

"What are you doing?" she asked. She normally wasn't an overly intrusive child, but she was curious. She was especially interested in learning more about Overlanders.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he replied, without taking his eyes off the city view.

"Thinking."

"Yes."

"Thinking about what?" she said boldly.

"You're a nosy little girl, aren't you?" For the first time, he titled his head down to meet her gaze.

He had an odd face. It wasn't creepy like Julian's. But still rather odd. She couldn't decide if it was odd in a pleasing way, like some of the exotic strange flowers in the greenhouse, or whether it was just plain ugly. His skin was very white and clear, his hair was a messy mop of gold and mahogany and oak strands that fell onto his forehead and brushed his cheeks. He had a nose like a pointed bird's beak.

She wanted to say, "You're much nosier than me." But held it back. Still, it made her lips tremble in the effort not to smile.

The light was catching in his eyes. He hesitated. "I was thinking about... life."

"What about it?" That was an odd thing to think about. Life was...well...it was life. It was just there. It just was. "What can you think about life?"

"What can't you think about it?" he replied. "Like...why? Why is it? And why bother with it?"

"What do you mean, 'why bother with it'?" She was confused, frowning. "What else can you do?"

"You're too young," he said. "You'll understand when you're older. When things like this..." he waved a hand towards the city. "Lose their beauty."

"You're not that old," she retorted. He sounded like some old person. She had heard old people saying things like that. But of course they would. They were close to dying, and they were angry and afraid. But she...and the Overlander boy...they were still young. They didn't have to worry about that.

He let go of the vines and leaned against the tree with his arms across his chest. His face was out of the sunlight's path now, and she could see his eyes more clearly. They were alarming not just in their color, the palest milk blue, but what lay in their depths. They were like his words. Eyes of an old old person. Not eyes of a child.

"It's not a matter of age." His lips curled into a sneer. "But what would you know about it? You're a little pampered Princess."

Her own lips curled. "My daddy said life is what you make it."

He chuckled.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Oh, I don't know." He continued to snicker. "It's just that..." He hummed for a moment, then said, in a clever tone, "No matter what pretty curtains you hang up over the bars...you still can't disguise the fact you're in a prison cell."

A prison? A prison? She stared around, at the wide open sky and ground around them. The air and the birds and the sweetness of it all! Did he mean to say this was a trap? He was intolerable! Sally fumed. Of course he was, though. He was a boy! They were all like that.

"Well, I don't think it's true," she said crossly. "Life IS what you make it. My daddy is very smart. He knows a lot about things like that."

"Does he now..." The boy seemed to sober. A glazed look came to his eyes, like he was looking at a place far away from here. "Well, I think life is a bother." He looked back over the city, brushing some of the errant hair from his eyes. "One day your world will crash down. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. Nothing you can do..."

He certainly was a cheerless one. Such an attitude made her frown, for she had never come across it in her young age. Even the old people who complained never seemed to complain quite like this.

"I think you sound ungrateful," she said hotly. Julayla had said that to Sally one time, and it was like a slap. She hoped it would sting the boy too. "You have a lot of things other people don't. Some people aren't even alive anymore. I bet they wish they were!"

"You don't wish when you're dead," He laughed softly. "You don't do anything." He turned again to look at her, tilting his head. Those eyes were filled with light and incredibly beautiful. "Someday, little clever Princess, you'll get it: Living is overrated." He patted her on the head, which made her furious with the condescending nature of it, and strode off.

Well, she could judge him now, judge him by his own actions. She judged that Overlanders, especially the boys, were foolish and ungrateful creatures. They weren't anything like Mobians. She would certainly NEVER think even remotely the way he thought! How arrogant of him to think she would!

"Well, that was interesting," she said, as Cu left her mind, bringing her back to the present world in the cave. She was frowning heavily. "I hate him even more now, I think."

Cu was silent.

"He told me about the attack!" She said. "'One day your world will crash down?' He knew!"

-But you already knew he knew, didn't you?-

"Well yes...but..." She had found out later, of course, that Snively was in league with Robotnik the whole time, but still... the idea of him saying it indirectly to her child self, the idea of him talking to her and knowing of his Uncle's deed...taking part in his Uncle's deed...with no concern for her or anyone else!?

She had already known it...but that didn't matter. She ripped at the scabs, she dwelled on it, because it was fuel for her hate and rage. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd never seen her, never spoken to her...if she and the other Mobians had been a nameless, faceless mob for him and his Uncle to attack. It wouldn't have been so very personal then.

"Is there anyway to get him out of my head?" She asked, her voice holding a note of desperation. "I can't stop thinking about him lately. I don't know why."

-Do not think of him. You control your thoughts, do you not?-

She stared out over the Source Pool. "Maybe if I bathe...maybe it would help."

-As you wish.-

Sally entered the Source Pool until the thick liquid came to her chin. She felt soothed already, like any dirt or stains on her body had been taken away.

But not from her mind. So she filled her lungs with air and held it there, with her cheeks puffed out comically, she sank even lower until her entire body was emerged.

She thought she could hear voices in the Source. Not creepily whispering, but humming. Singing maybe, but so muffled that it was a wordless mummer.

It was beautiful. It was... it was like being pure. Like being a child in a womb...yet untainted by the world.

'I want to stay here forever...'

She fought to keep her breath, but her lungs were aching and she saw red flashes behind her eyes.

'No...don't let me be born yet...don't let me be dirtied.'

But she had to arise, dripping and sorrowful, but cleaner. More herself again.

"Thank you," she said...to Cu, to the air. To the Source, to everything.

She was dry by the time she emerged from the path to the Power Ring Pool. She was dry, and must be looking splendid, for Sonic was striding along the grass towards her, and his eyes lit up at the sight of her. His mouth dropped open slightly as it always did when he was impressed with her.

"Wow, Sal. You look real good today! Get a new shampoo or something?"

She giggled to herself. The Source was better than any shower or bath! Maybe she should just forgo those and start using the Source for hygiene.

"Maybe," she said mysteriously.

He rolled his eyes, smirking, enjoying the tease. "Keep your beauty secrets. It's not like I need them."

"Oh puhleeese," she scoffed, playfully pushing his arm.

"Oh puhleese what?" They began to stroll back to the village, Sonic boasting loudly. "I see all the girls drooling over me. It gets kind of old sometimes."

"Ha!"

He grinned. "Is that all you can say is 'ha'? Guess you can't deny it then."

She leaned over suddenly, giddy with a rush of emotion – good emotion – and laid a kiss upon his lips. "I guess I can't."

Sonic tried to look nonchalant. "Yeah...I thought so."

They walked the rest of the way in silence, Sally's sudden elation turning to just as sudden shame.

'How could I have felt closer to Snively than to you? What is wrong with me?' She tried to picture Snively's face, so she could hate him more, but it wasn't showing. She felt the happiness coming back, like the slow melting of snow warmed by Spring sunlight. He was gone out of her mind, finally...the Source had taken him away. 'I will never have another person occupying my thoughts like that again. Except Sonic. Except people I love.'

"Hey Sal, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. For once, Sonic, nothing."

For a week Knothole was filled with preparations. Rotor's workshop was open to villagers; he taught them how to craft metal-eating bombs and they packed metal canisters with explosives for general mayhem-making in Robotropolis. Sally continued to frown upon any desire from village folk to come on the mission; her father seemed fairly tolerant of the idea.

Sonic scoffed, looking around at the group who had assembled to fight. They were led by the villager Bernard. "It's not a matter of 'being able to fight,' he was telling them. Do you think the elite Freedom Fighters were born with the ability? No, they had to learn it...they learnt when they were mere sprouts!"

"I was never being a vegetable," said Antoine indignantly.

"Oh yeah, could've fooled me." Sonic rolled his eyes.

"He does have a point, sugah."

Bunnie, Sonic and Antoine were seated on the grass away from the trees, so they could have the full benefit of the autumn sunshine. There was a slightly cool breeze blowing. Antoine in his thick uniform didn't mind, but Bunnie had donned a short sleeved shirt.

"We nevah had any trainin' or anything. We jest went right into the city like a bunch of fools."

"Hey!" Now Sonic looked slighted. "We were a cool bunch of kids, man! Too cool to get caught by ole Robuttnik."

"What we did was really dangerous, though! And we never had any learnin' on what ta do..."

"Very lucky," said Antoine, "That we were never captur-ed and tortur-ed!"

"Whaddya mean?" Sonic poked Antoine's arm. "You got captur-ed plenty of times."

The fox scowled. His track record for being captured was not good. Neither was his record for rescuing people. "Ah...I was simply trying to...scope out zee enemy's territory, yes."

"So that's what it was," said Bunnie. Sonic snickered. Antoine looked quite irate, and so laughing, Bunnie planted a kiss on his cheek, ruffling her hand through his hair.

Antoine's scowl faded. "I am worried about this mission. It seems...not right."

Sonic stared at the fox. "Whaddya mean?"

"Oh, I don't know." The fox struggled to put his feelings into words. "It doesn't seem like it...like it will ever be ending. And they are thinking it will be ending."

Sonic looked away, letting his gaze settle over the village, over the people making bombs, over the children running, over the huts and gardens. True that. True that it seemed like this was all there was to life...the only way their lives could be. To think the war would ever be over? It did seem preposterous, it did seem foolish.

But no. Sonic was never a person who would say 'it's unbelievable' or 'it's impossible.' He had learned that anything could happen, no matter how amazing or ludicrous...it could definitely happen.

His speed, his amazing ability was proof of that. Who would have thought any living being could move as fast as he could? Probably nobody. Until they saw him.

"Maybe, Ant...but stranger things have happened, right?"

A small smile spread onto Antoine's face. "Oui."