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Ch.55- "Earthquake"

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There was a certain amount of guilt that came from trying to twist his selfish desires into selfless orders. Erwin had gone over the records of his surviving Scouts, the recruits he still wasn't all too familiar with, reading their personnel files, specifically their emergency contact information. He already knew Eren and Mikasa were orphans, but they were also currently the Military Police's problem. The rest of Levi's squad all had at least one surviving family member, with the exception of one Connie Springer. Technically, his mother was alive… as much as being reduced to a mindless Titan could be considered living. They still had Annie Leonhart, currently in a state of stasis, and once they cracked her little chrysalis open, they'd have to do something with her, but… no, it was too ridiculous to even consider, endowing a middle-aged housewife with a weapon that they might well need to take on their enemies across the ocean.

Still, those were the kinds of turns his thoughts took when guilt overwhelmed him. The kinds of things he spoke about in a hushed voice to Levi. Hange… Hange had their own problems, their own sorrows. And it wasn't as though Levi didn't, but… Levi didn't force himself to smile when he saw Erwin. He didn't straighten and immediately start chirping about all the exciting new-ness that had come into their lives, as though that made up for all the losses… as though his visible eye wasn't bloodshot and swollen from crying just minutes before. Levi wore his annoyance and displeasure on his sleeve and, strangely enough, that made it easier to speak to him about annoying and displeasing things…

He'd placed the empty cup on the table beside the sofa, but his hand remained over it, tracing the lip of the cup with his middle finger as he regarded Erwin with downward tilt of his lips.

"If staying away for a week bothers you that much, then don't do that. Just hire carriages to take you back and forth- it's not like your stingy ass can't afford it."

"It's not about affording it- it's about how much time that would waste. It's nearly an eight hour round trip, and the whole time I'd just be thinking 'that's eight hours I could spend more efficiently doing anything else'- which is exactly what I don't want to think. But…" He shook his head, leaning his chin on his hand, his thumb brushing against the scab on his lip. Hange had wanted him to keep track on a calendar of how long it was taking to heal, but unfortunately, he found himself ripping the scab off whenever he was frustrated, which delayed the healing process. Hange still insisted, wanting to puzzle out exactly what was stunting the healing of this particular Shifter.

"It's beyond cruel to send all of the recruits back home except for one. I still remember when I was a recruit, the first time the mail came and everyone in my squad got a letter from their families… except for me. I was older than Connie, and that feeling of being singled out still hurt- I can't inflict that on one of my soldiers just because I want to go…" He trailed off, not exactly sure where it was he'd planned on saying he wanted to go. It certainly wasn't "home". Levi's finger continued tracing circles around the cup.

"I mean, it's not like he'd be alone. You know me and Hange will still be here. Connie is part of my squad. I think I can take care of a single brat for a couple days."

"Why do I have a sneaking suspicion that you taking care of a child would involve blackjack and prostitutes?"

"Erwin, please- I would never give a kid the opportunity to beat me at cards." He snorted back a laugh, and Levi's lips quirked into something that, if it had lasted a fraction of a second longer, could have been mistaken for a smile. "Don't give up on that idea just yet; let me talk to my squad. You wanting to take some time off is probably the smartest thing you've ever said…"

Two days later, Sasha Braus paid his office a surprise visit. She was still a bit unsteady on her feet, and he quickly waved off her salute, gesturing for her to sit.

"Is something wrong?"

"N-no, sir. Nothing's wrong. The lieutenant told us that you were planning to let us have some time off, and… I am aware that, as recruits, we aren't permitted to go to unauthorized places, but-"

"You have leave to speak freely, Braus." The way she was picking her words, he could practically see the dictionary rapidly flipping in her mind. The girl's shoulders sagged and she sighed.

"I wanted to ask if I could bring Connie to my village with me. Dauper ain't- isn't far from Ragako, and I know my folks- m-my parents would love to have him." She looked down at her hands in her lap. "Lieutenant Levi said anyone who doesn't want to leave can stay on base, but I know Connie would want to go, he just… he doesn't have anywhere because of what they did, and… I can't stand that." She looked back up, and while her expression was hard- made harder by the still pink cuts where thunder spear shrapnel had struck her face- her eyes were moist. "He's like a brother to me, and I don't want him to be by himself."

Looking at her, Erwin was reminded of another Scout who hid his natural accent and took a lonely recruit under his wing, forging a bond with him that could not have been thicker if it had been woven in blood…

"And have you discussed this with Connie?" Sasha nodded.

"We talked about it before the expedition. I told him my people would always welcome him as one of their own; I figured this would be a good time to show him some of that hunter hospitality."

"Well, if he is amenable to the arrangement, and you believe your parents would have no objections, then neither do I." Sasha's entire face lit up, and Erwin allowed himself a hint of a smile. "It's a very kind thing of you to do for another soldier, Sasha. We often call one another our brothers and sisters in arms, but rarely do we ever truly take those words to heart." The girl gave a soft laugh.

"Ever since I was little, my daddy taught me we gotta look out for our own. I always used to think 'our own' was my flesh and blood, but… humanity's a herd that's bigger than that. Can't go beggin' for help from people you turn your back on. Anyone who needs help… that's 'my own'."

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For the vast majority of Erwin's life, a week felt like far too little time. There had always been so much to do- reports to read and write, appointments to make and keep, high ranking officials and nobles to speak to and be spoken to by… Multitasking had become a basic necessity; meals would be mindlessly consumed while organizing folders, letters finished during the ride to the location where they needed to be dropped off. His mind rebelled when it was left unoccupied, driving his body to a similar state of madness. By the time he left Calaneth, there would be a deep trench in the floorboards beside the window of the room he was staying in.

There weren't many hotels or inns or even taverns with rooms available for rent; the southern districts were the ones most often frequented by travelers, and therefore where most temporary lodgings were found. Of course, that didn't mean there weren't vacancies in the east. The higher-scaled inns were found more towards the center of the district, but he had been lucky enough to find a decently large tavern closer to the outer Wall whose second story housed a total of eight rooms, five of which were empty. The proprietor was more than happy to receive six days' rent up front, and while the rooms did not come with private baths, he assured Erwin that one of the serving girls would bring a basin of hot water up twice a day- the least he could do for a "hero of humanity". He thanked the man but said nothing, even though he rubbed his jaw as he made his way to his room, the shadow of stubble just beginning to rasp against his fingers.

If ever there was a time to practice shaving left handed, it was now, when his Titan blood promised swift healing of nicks and cuts (even if it didn't deliver on those promises) and he had precious little else to do. And yet, he didn't. He hadn't brought a razor with him, and while he could have easily gone out to buy one, he didn't bother with that either. He had immediately settled into a routine, and his mind was not in any place to deviate from it, not yet. The first day, after unpacking the scant belongings he'd brought with him (namely clothes, as well a journal just in case something happened that might pique Hange's interest), he'd made a beeline for Thomasin's house. It had been a little past eleven in the morning when he'd arrived in the district, and the trek from the bar to the tiny dwelling was short enough that it was barely noon by the time he'd found himself staring at her door.

His heart pounded in his chest so hard he felt a bit lightheaded, but that could also have something to do with his not having eaten anything since the night before. He pressed his ear against the rough wood for a moment, closing his eyes to focus on what he was listening to. It was faint, but he could hear the familiar "thump-step" moving from one end of the room to the other, a pause, and more steps. She was definitely home, but that knowledge only made it harder for him to step back and raise his hand.

It took several long seconds before he mustered up the willpower to rap his knuckles against the wood, three sharp knocks. The steps within stopped. He didn't know why he expected her to open the door- Do you think I open my door to any random stranger who knocks in the ungodly hours of the morning…? She knew it was him- she always knew when it was him; she just didn't want to see him. Inhaling deeply, Erwin willed his frantic pulse to calm, willed his voice to remain steady and even.

"Thomasin. I know you don't want to see me again, I know you're upset and you have every right to be… but I'm still going to apologize. I'm sorry- I'm so sorry, and if there is anything whatsoever I can do- to prove that or even just to help you- please tell me. I just want to make things better for you."

The silence continued to stretch on… and then he once again heard her steps, coming no closer, just continuing in the pattern he'd heard earlier. It sounded like she was walking from the stove to the middle of the room. Maybe she was setting the table for breakfast or lunch. Something scraped across the floor- a chair most likely. He stood there for a few more minutes, and not once did he hear those steps again. Whatever she was doing, it in no way involved acknowledging him, so he returned back to his rented room.

Pacing accomplished nothing- it in no way helped clear or organize his thoughts, but it felt a little better than just sitting down, so Erwin walked back and forth from his bed to the opposite wall, sometimes staring down at the window. It overlooked the river, but there were too many buildings to see the water itself, only the stone towers that held the cables the ferries pulled themselves along. This was all a waste of time, the logical part of his mind argued. Thomasin did not want to speak to him. She did not want to look at him. She wanted nothing to do with him, and all he was doing was annoying her, making it more difficult to move on with her life.

Yet, his heart retorted, when had giving up ever been the right thing to do? He had given up looking for her after the Fall, even though she had been in Trost right under his nose and just a slightly more thorough search could have spared her so much suffering. She was suffering now, the thought of her mutilated arms springing into his mind unbidden- was he truly content to give up and leave her to her misery, her loneliness, because continuing to be met with failure made him uncomfortable?

No. He made up his mind that, as long as he was met with silence, he would continue approaching that door, until she opened it and either agreed to speak with him or else, told him one final time to stay out of her life. Over the next four days, he tried different approaches- coming at different times, wording his apology different ways; once, when the sky had turned a dreary shade of gray, opening to spray the unsuspecting populace below with a quick deluge of heavy rain drops only to immediately stop the moment they found shelter and repeating the process as soon as they stepped into the clear, he'd tried waiting by the chicken coop after he gave his usual apology. It had been early enough in the morning that he could reasonably assume she hadn't fed them yet, but while he could hear movement in the kitchen, the door did not open.

It seemed she was willing to let her girls wait for breakfast until she was certain the coast was clear, and as the clucking grew more insistent and the chickens eventually left their home, rustling their wings in agitation at the sight of him, demanding father feed them in lieu of mother, he set back on his dejected path to the tavern. Nile had assured him that, while it would take time on her part and dedication on Erwin's, Thomasin would forgive him. That was the very nature of love- that little things, no matter how much they hurt, were forgiven. But it wasn't something little. He knew his mistake had been great, but how great he could not comprehend until the sixth day.

It had started like any other, he'd been walking the now familiar route to the outer edge of the Wall, squeezing through a tight alley to get there faster. It was only by pure coincidence that he'd been looking straight ahead rather than at the ground in an effort to avoid stepping in something unsavory- if he'd so much as blinked, he wouldn't have seen the petite, dark-haired man fly past him. It couldn't be Levi- even when he'd squeezed through the opening, poking his head out onto the wider road and spotted both the familiar undercut as well as the plainclothes he'd seen dozens of times over the years, Erwin still refused to believe it. There were plenty of short men with black hair and probably that exact same waistcoat.

And yet, he did not put the thought from his mind and continue to his destination- well, not the former. He continued down the street, hugging the buildings along one side and occasionally ducking between them. It wasn't at all odd that he and this stranger who definitely wasn't Levi were heading in the same direction- there were literally dozens of homes along the outer curve of Wall Rose; the rent there was cheapest. And yet, that rigid back and those stiffly held shoulders didn't go to one of the many other houses, in spite of Erwin's silent prayers willing him to as he crossed the street, letting the man out of view just long enough to make it to the backs of the homes. No- long, determined, knowing strides carried him to the last house by the sluice gate, right up to the door that a powerful fist began banging on as Erwin once again crouched behind the coop. He tried to close his eyes, to listen for familiar steps, but it was difficult when an all-too familiar voice was yelling.

"Open the fuck up, gimp- I know you're in there." But… how? How could Levi possibly know that this was where Thomasin lived? Even if he'd looked in Erwin's own personnel file and seen the emergency contact address, how would he know where it was in relation to anything else? At least two of his previous squad mates had been Calaneth natives, but why would he ask them for instructions on how to get to a former Scout-turned-nurse's home; how would they even know who she was or where she lived in the first place?

There had been no hesitance in Levi's gait- he walked with the single-minded focus of a man on a mission, someone who knew exactly where he was going. The only thing that made any less sense than Levi knowing where someone he should logically barely know lived was the rapid cadence of the steps heading past where Erwin hid, moving in a straight line to the door. He could just barely hear the hinges creak from the force with which the door had been yanked open.

"Whatever you're selling, I don't want any."

"I'm not selling shit; I'm telling you-"

"Not interested." The hinges squealed as the door was slammed, but it did not close. Instead, Levi hissed in pain.

"Augh, you cunt…! Slam that door again- see if I don't break it."

"Try." A thump, and Thomasin's dull affect became colored with a tinge of anger. "Go. The fuck. Away."

"You have to talk to him."

"No." When Levi spoke again, desperation- or whatever was as close to desperation as Humanity's Strongest Soldier could manage- had crept into his voice.

"He just wants to talk to you-"

"No." That anger bloomed a bit brighter, and buried just beneath that anger… was pain. "He has no right to talk. Not to me. I can't stop him from pretending that he's dedicating his heart to humanity. I can't stop him from chasing his stupid dreams. But I sure as hell don't have to be a receptacle for him to come crawling back to when he gets bored with failure."

"He doesn't want-"

"That is exactly what he wants; it's all he's ever wanted and I was a fool for ever believing that would change." The anger still burned bright, but its flame was colored by hurt and sorrow and loathing. "I tried… I tried so hard to be what he wanted, what he needed, but it will never be enough for him. I will never be enough for him. He doesn't want me- he wants a version of his father that he can stick his penis in! I'm. Done. He can go home to Krolva and cry to his daddy. If he wants someone to make him feel better, he can lay down on his father's grave and put his head where he thinks a skeleton's lap might be- in fact, maybe he should just dig up the coffin and climb in with him since that's the only thing that could ever make him happy."

"…you don't mean that…"

"I have never meant anything more. So you can relay that to Erwin, because I know he sent you. Forget that I exist- both of you."

A grunt and the door slammed, several quiet clicks and rattles indicating that multiple locks had been set. Erwin closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the mildewed plaster, his lips pressed tightly together as he listened to the "thump-step" angrily crossing the room.

"You're real shit at following people, you know that?" His tightly shut lips were the only reason he didn't cry out when Levi's voice softly called out directly over his head.

"I wasn't following you," he whispered as he stood. "I was coming here." A thin brow arched.

"Oh yeah? You were coming here, to hide next to the window, amongst the chicken shit?"

"Yes."

"Hmph. Well, I guess you're in good company." Levi walked past him, towards the river, and this time Erwin followed in earnest, keeping only a step or two behind the other man.

"What are you doing here?" Silence was his only response, yet he continued pushing. "How do you know where Thomasin lives? I thought you said you didn't come here when you were hunting down Eren and Historia?"

"I didn't."

"Then how-"

"Is this really the only thing you care about?" Levi stopped, turning on his heel to face the commander, a look bordering on incredulous twisting his features. "You don't wanna maybe parse the shit she just said about you? Maybe refute the implications of the weird relationship you apparently have with your father?"

"…I want to know why she said it to you. I've come here for five days straight only to have her completely ignore my existence, yet as soon as she hears your voice, she's running for the door."

"She slammed it on my foot-"

"She spoke to you! She would never say anything like that to my face, but she bares her heart to you!" His anger left him as quickly as it flared up. "It's not fair… Why you?" Levi's gaze dropped and he turned, continuing on.

"Who knows? Maybe my charming personality and stunning good looks are too strong to ignore." As they continued walking along the river, Erwin expected Levi to follow it back to the inner wall, but he didn't, turning suddenly. Too curious to stop, he followed the shorter man onto the bridge connecting the industrial section of the district to the commercial and residential. They stopped at its apex, Levi leaning heavily on the stone railing, staring down into the churning waters below the same way Thomasin had four years ago.

"…why do you refuse to tell me anything about what's going on?" Erwin half expected his words to fall on deaf ears now just as they had back then, but Levi had always found passive aggressiveness to be "coward shit".

"Because it won't change anything. Because what happened already happened. This isn't information you need me to tell you; this isn't some crucial detail that'll make or break a mission-"

" 'Mission'? This is my wife! You don't think I deserve to know why she's skulking around with my lieutenant, a man I thought to admire and respect-" Levi glared up at him, his eyes steely.

"No, I don't think you deserve to know that, Erwin, because literally the only thing that knowledge will do is give you more shit to feel bad about." The anger in his face twisted into revulsion. "…but that's what you want, isn't it? You get off on self-flagellation. You don't mourn tragedies- you revel in them. Becoming the commander was probably the best thing that's ever happened to you, because you love feeling guilty…" Erwin recoiled from the other man, shaking his head.

"That's abhorrent."

"It's the truth!" Levi snapped back. "Being miserable makes your dick hard, doesn't it?! That's why you still carry Mike's patch everywhere! Don't think I don't see you constantly touching it. I didn't bring that back for you to jerk off to how sad you are with it; I gave it to you so you could have some fucking closure! So you could mourn him and move on with your life, but you will never do that! You are incapable of moving on from anything- that's why you, a grown-ass man, are still blaming a fucking child for getting your father killed instead of the actual adults responsible for it! That's why Thomasin never tells you anything, why she always wears that shitty fake smile around you; because if you knew anything, you would make it all about you and she loves you so fucking much that she would rather drown than add one more drop of misery to that overflowing cup you're guzzling it out of!" Levi panted, more winded than he'd ever been in battle, squeezing the railing in front of him as though he would be swept away by the current below without something anchoring him.

Erwin stared at him, wide-eyed, the shock all that kept him from backing away. The last time Levi had unleashed such a furious, scathing tirade against him, he'd very nearly lost his head, and while there were no ultra-hardened steel blades in his hands, Levi himself claimed to always carry a knife when he wore plainclothes. And yet the shorter man did not lunge at him, there was no glint of metal… he wasn't even looking at Erwin anymore, his face turned away as though the sight of him would once more stoke his anger. Closure… was that not why he did everything in his life, desperately chasing that final victory that would lay the phantoms haunting him to rest? In what reality could that fraying, stained patch in his pocket ever be anything but a reminder of what he had yet to accomplish, what he had lost in the process? He forced himself to not think about that, to not let his fingers wander to the rough silver and blue thread.

"…so she pours that misery out on you instead?" Levi made a chuffing noise caught between a scoff and a laugh.

"No… I wring it out of her, drop by agonizing drop." The hint of amusement his lips held vanished, carving the lines around them far deeper. "If you're thinking I'm some bosom-buddy confidant of hers, you can think again. She rarely told me anything willingly; most shit, I stumbled on purely by accident." He sighed heavily, turning so that his back rested against the stone, his head tilted back to the pale blue sky. "See, the thing about those shitty fake smiles is they take a lot of effort to maintain. More effort than horseback riding, more effort than vertical maneuvering- more effort than killing Titans. You can't wear one all the time, so if you're wearing one for, say… one particular person, well… when that person isn't looking, you gotta let it slip."

"You sound like you're speaking from experience," Erwin muttered under his breath, earning a loud scoff from the other man.

"Tch. Hell no. Smiling is too much work for someone like me… someone weak. That kind of effort can only be undertaken by someone stronger than you can possibly imagine. As soon as I saw the gimp's lips move when her eyes didn't, I recognized that shit." A strange cocktail of emotions flickered across Levi's face, his lips and eyes twitching as though he were fighting some violent battle within his own mind. Even when the twitching stopped, his lips continued moving, speaking silent words for a few seconds before his throat and tongue began cooperating to form quiet, strained speech.

"M— my mom… always wore that exact same smile… Her life was already shit, and when I came along, I made it worse… but she always smiled. No matter how angry or miserable, or sick or hungry or hurt she was, she always wore that shitty fake smile… for me. Because I was a stupid kid and she knew that- she knew as long as she acted like everything was okay, my stupid kid brain would think everything really was okay, even when anyone with common sense could see that it wasn't. She kept all her suffering bottled up inside, even while that bottle was breaking, to protect me, right up until she stopped breathing… and I fucking hate that."

In all the years Erwin had known Levi, this was the first time he'd ever heard the man so much as mention his mother. The way he spoke, it didn't sound like a casual anecdote. No; every word was raw and painful, as though he were vomiting up old hurts that he had shoved down for so many years they had grown rancid inside him. Even Humanity's Strongest was scarred by the wounds his parents unwittingly left on him…

"Levi…" his voice was quiet, plaintive. "If you hate it so much, knowing that you were blissfully ignorant of your mother's suffering… then surely you can understand how I feel. Why I need to know what happened to Thomasin." Levi did not change his posture, only moved his eyes just enough to look at Erwin from their corners.

"No. You see, I do understand. I understand that, if I'd actually known back then what I know now, that it would've driven me literally insane. She was protecting my sanity, just like what the gimp is doing for you- what I'm trying to do for you."

"You were a child, Levi. I'm not-"

"You sure about that? 'Cause you sure as shit sound like a whiny little brat." A deep, heavy sigh as gray eyes turned once more to the sky. "Besides, you don't need me to tell you what you've already figured out." Erwin shook his head helplessly.

"I haven't figured out-"

"Yeah, you have. There's nothing that genius brain of yours does better than connecting dots. You know the truth; you just don't want to know it. You want me to tell you it's something else, something other than what you've deduced."

"No, I-"

"Erwin." Levi straightened, turning his entire body to face the other man. "If I'd gone into your bedroom that night, yanked your warm snuggly blankets off and woken your ass up and said, 'your wife, the person you claim to love more than anyone or anything, is going to die'… what would you have done?"

"I—" He shut his eyes, trying to fight off the pressure building behind them, trying to silence the accusatory, almost mocking echo of his memories.

Even if I scream and cry and beg you not to leave…?

…even if I say I'll die without you…?

"I don't- I wouldn't have said the things I said to her."

Why are you doing this?

Why are you doing this now…

How dare you…

"But would you have done anything," Levi pressed, "would you have forsaken your dream when it wasn't your life on the line, but hers? Would you have given up, not just being the first one to see the truth, but the very truth itself, to hold her hand if you knew it might well be the last time you'd ever have the chance?"

"Yes," he said empathetically, desperately, willing himself to believe his claim as much as he willed Levi to believe it.

"Then why didn't you?" The lieutenant didn't shout, didn't even raise his voice, but the force of his words left Erwin feeling weak in the knees. He leaned on the stone railing, breathing hard to try and quell the nausea roiling inside him, the pressure building in his head. "…she told me what happened on top of Wall Maria the day before she was discharged. I know you said you didn't love her back then but once you atually started to care about her, even just a little bit… why would you ever risk something like that happening again?"

They'd stood on this exact same bridge four years ago, Thomasin wearing his coat, the only thing she had to keep her warm back then, the only thing that chased away the all-encompassing loneliness, the worst feeling in the world. Her fingers had been broken, the same fingers that were broken now. She slammed them in the door. They didn't get caught or stuck- nothing to imply it had been an accident- slammed them in the door- the same slam he'd heard that night. It had been bright enough that the sky reflected in the dirty water, and she'd seemed so enamored by it

It seems closer down here, doesn't it…?

Atop Wall Maria, she'd wept, so desperate to reach that blue summer sky

I thought it would be closer this high up…

It seems closer down here, doesn't it? Like you could just reach out and touch it…

It was so easy to just step off the edge, and then there would be nothing but open air and sky until—

Erwin's appetite had all but left him these past few days, and when he retched he brought up nothing but a few mouthfuls of hot, sour water, his entire body contorting in agonizing dry heaves long after he'd emptied it into the river below.

"Yeah," Levi sighed, sliding down the railing until he sat on the dusty stone below. "That's about the reaction I expected from you."

"Oh god…!" Erwin cried between his heaves. "Oh god-! I didn't- I didn't think-!" He didn't want to think…

"No. Most people don't, especially people like you. You've lived your entire life in the light, surrounded by other people who lived their lives in the light, too- you don't know what suffering looks like… that was one of the first things the gimp told me about you. 'He's never known suffering. Sorrow, but not suffering. It keeps him pure. Innocent. Bright, like the sun'…" Levi glanced up at Erwin as he spat out the bile that remained in his mouth, stumbling back and sitting hard on the bridge.

"That's how she used to talk about you back then, like you were this amazing, beautiful thing with rainbows and sunbeams shining out your asshole that she was lucky to get a whiff of… at least, that's how she talked you up to me, like I'd believe that shit— fuck." His shoulders slumped a bit as he rested his arm on his knee. "Maybe I did. Maybe I did think you were amazing- or at least, better than all the shit around you… which made you seem even worse when you proved that you were exactly the same…"

Erwin couldn't care less about the broken pedestal Levi had once placed him on; his mind was reeling, his soul screaming, too full of horrors and realizations that felt as though each one were snapping his bones.

"So… so the night before the expedition… that was why she didn't come back…?! Because she… because you…"

"You know that bridge in Trost- not the one for foot traffic like this one, the taller one for the ferry cables? That's where she was. On the other side of the railing. I don't even know how I spotted her- I never look up there. It was like something made me look up, and I ran up there and… I must have spent two hours just talking, trying to get her to talk, trying to get her back on the other side… but she wouldn't budge. She was convinced that you sent me, that everything I was saying was just something you had told me to say, that you couldn't pull yourself away from work long enough to come up and tell her your half-assed apologies and excuses yourself. She just wanted me to leave, and when I made it clear that I wouldn't…" The hand atop his knee clenched into a fist as the fingers tracing invisible patterns on the stone stilled.

"I've seen… so many people die, Erwin. That moment right before it happens, you can always tell what they're thinking by the emotion in their eyes. Sometimes, it's acceptance or resignation… usually, it's fear or anger… Thomasin, she wasn't scared or angry or resigned… all of that came before… and in that moment, it was all replaced with determination. I've seen a lot of shit in my life, but that was the first time I ever saw someone determined to die, chasing down death like it owed them money. If I wasn't- if I didn't have this Ackerman strength and speed, you'd be a widower, Erwin." He let out the breath he had been holding in a shuddering sob, drawing his long legs up to his chest and placing his head between his knees.

"You saved her…"

"That makes it sound more heroic than it was; I dragged her kicking and screaming back onto the bridge, and she bit the fuck out me, and I think it might be infected because it still hasn't healed…" Erwin wasn't listening to him anymore. He was playing that night back in his mind, over and over again, filling in gaps with this newfound knowledge… Levi dragging Thomasin back into the house, not because she was intoxicated or tired from some illicit affair, but because if he had let her go, she wouldn't have come back, she might well have gone back to that bridge, chasing down death.

Go

in there, wake his ass up.

Tell him

what happened…

what almost happened, what could have happened so easily and could just as easily happen again…

Even if I scream and cry and beg you not to leave…

because I'm all alone and have no one else but you- please show me that I at least have you…

Why are you doing this now, trying to make me feel guilty when you know, better than anyone, that this is what I have dedicated my life towards…?

When you know, better than anyone, that your death is a price I would gladly pay to reach my dream…

Erwin let his head fall back, knocking painfully against the stone pillars behind him.

"I can't fix this…" he whispered, half to himself, half to Levi, who was still talking but immediately fell silent. "She asked me to stay with her, and I told her no. I yelled at her. I told her she was just trying to make me feel guilty, trying to keep me from achieving my dream… Why would I ever think think she would want to see me again after that? Why would I ever think I have the right to inflict myself on another person when this is how I repay the love they waste on me?!" His legs felt weak, his head far too heavy to properly balance but he somehow managed to pull himself back into a standing position, even if he had to lean heavily on the railing to keep from falling over. Levi watched him with visible confusion and apprehension.

"What are you doing, Erwin? Where are you going?"

"To pack my things. I'm coming back to base."

"What? No! That's not-"

"That's exactly what I need to do. She was right; I have no right to speak to her. I made my choice, just as I did fifteen years ago. I chose the Survey Corps, I chose 'humanity'- I chose the truth. And now, I get to exist, content with that choice, until I die."

"And what about her? You're turning your back on her again-"

"No. I'm not turning my back, I'm… I'm stepping aside. All I do- all I have ever done- is make her unhappy. I pile burdens and problems onto her, I make her cry and worry, and… all I do is make things worse for her. We both thought we would be happier together, and we were both wrong. I think she would be happier without me in the long run." He inhaled deeply, his lungs burning. "Maybe she would be happier with you. She's very fond of you- she's already said you're 'husband material'… and you've already proven that you care more about her well-being than I do—"

"I don't want your sloppy seconds, Blondie! I want you to do right by your wife!"

"I am. The first step towards that is acknowledging that all I've ever done is cause her problems and heartache… and to stop doing that. So I will. I'm going to stay away, and not cause anymore problems for her."

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A/N- Levi: "Put your mental burden in my mind-vice, and I will crush it." Also Levi: "Oh god… here comes my childhood…! *pained weeping*" I've always felt bad when people have made guesses about why Thomasin joined the Survey Corps because they're usually so hopeful (because every other character joins the branch with the highest mortality rate for childishly optimistic reasons, so obviously she would too, right?) The real villain in this story isn't Marley- it's the inability of two people who genuinely do love each other to communicate openly. (Tangent- there's an anime called Black Rock Shooter, and there's a scene in it where a character named Yomi has a mental breakdown. Whenever I think of Erwin freaking out on that bridge, I'm imagining that scene in my mind (the english dub, specifically).)

Something I was thinking about a lot while writing this… arc, I guess you could call it (I secretly call it the "Let's See How You Like It" Arc) is how difficult it is to take oneself out of the contemporary mindset. In this day and age, it seems downright impossible to not recognize the symptoms of depression or suicidal behavior (even though it is, and those things are overlooked/ misdiagnosed/ ignored all the time). We're inundated with books and movies and songs and video games about mental illness. Psychologists have YouTube channels and break these things down for us in easy to digest, 15 minute videos, often through a pop culture lens. It's so easy to look at everything Erwin does in this fic and think, "No, noooo! You fucking walnut- you are literally doing the opposite of what you should be doing!" But it's easy to think that because we have decades of information available at our fingertips, information that does not exist in this fictional world and even if it did, it wouldn't be readily accessible to the public. And even if it was… would anyone care? More often than not, when we see the people of Paradis, they're shown to be cruel and condescending, sneering at the misfortune of those around them. They see traumatized, injured soldiers and yell at them, mock them and deride them. They see children, refugees of a natural disaster- orphans- and watch apathetically as they're publicly beaten by grown men. A little girl defends herself from the sex traffickers who murdered her family, and she's declared to be the monster. The government orders a death march of a quarter of the population, and this event fades from the public consciousness in less than five years. There's an entire city of people who are born and die without ever seeing sunlight. Is this really a world in which anyone outwardly showing signs of mental illness wouldn't just be told to kill themselves to stop wasting resources? Look at Levi, (supposedly) the most compassionate character in the series, taking it upon himself to decide that Erwin has no hope of ever being happy because he doesn't have a 5 year plan and that, ultimately, death is kinder than living with the soul crushing of burdens of being an adult (no, it's not the burden of being the SC commander he thinks is so terrible, because he's perfectly fine letting Hange suffer under that burden for the next four years). Living in this world, would Erwin (who canonically is so obviously displaying signs of depression and survivor's guilt himself that Midnight Sun has, on occasion, triggered my own depression and suicidal ideation so badly that it's made me literally vomit) actually have any idea how to properly deal with another person's issues when he doesn't even have the tools to deal with his own? How do you handle another person's depression when you're battling your own- when you don't even have a word for what it is you feel?