CHAPTER 16

After a couple hours, Christian knocked on the door then he realized the door was locked. He started banging on the door.

He shouts, "Let me in Anastasia!"

Ana shut down her laptop and was asleep on the couch when he started banging on the door. She got up and unlocked the door. He was huffing and mad being locked out of the room. She walked past him and left for the bedroom. He was on her heels.

He angrily asked, "Why would you lock me out of the room, Anastasia? Why are you upset with me?" She finally reached the bedroom and got on her side of the bed and pulled back the sheet standing there. All she wanted to do was get in bed and curl up like a ball with the covers over her head and shut out the world. She knew it was not how it could remain like this between them not talking. She knew the argument had to happen. She wanted to avoid it while she was this hurt and angry, but knew it was the only way to get it out there and show her pain. She turned around on him with steel blue angry snapping eyes.

She said louder with each word to end in a shout , "You dare to tell me unequivocally no, like that is the end of it. No discussion, shut down, the end. Well, Christian Grey, I've got news for you. It's not shut down, it's not final and don't you ever dare tell me no like I'm not part of this relationship. I'm not in a boardroom, I'm not a submissive and I'm not a child for you to treat like I have no say in anything. I'm going to tell you my full demands in this relationship and you will either man up or we have a huge problem. This problem is going to stop this relationship right here and right now!"

He got pissed at her pushing him and threatening him. Her pushing back at him was blooming into anger and defensiveness. He had never been questioned before on his decisions like this.

He angrily said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

She was pissed and firmly said, "I want children, Christian and if you won't give me children. You will carve my heart out with a spoon and leave me dying, but I will have to leave. What if I got pregnant by accident? It could happen. There is nothing one hundred percent, unless I have a full hysterectomy. Shots fail, even a goddamn vasectomy can fail or a tubal ligation. You run the risk every goddamn day. Tell me Christian?! Tell me what would you do?!"

He looked at her and swallowed hard because his mouth went dry. She stuck him in a corner. He seriously said, "You will take care of it."

She looked steel hard at him and said, "And tell me, just what does that mean, 'Take care of it'? I want to know. Are you talking abortion? Are you talking about me adopting the baby out? Are you talking about me ending up leaving you to raise our son or daughter on my own? Which is it, Christian? All three roads lead to a closed door behind me. I will not and definitely refuse to kill or give away my child. So I guess it's best if I remove the only chance it can be made. No sex ever again and that's the end of it. You want to throw out single decisions on me. You have mine. You best go make an appointment and go see your therapist because you just ran into a monster fucking wall in this relationship. You get your priorities straight this week or I'm out and the whole fucking wedding will be off, I will quit the fucking job, and I will leave you alone. Time is ticking."

He felt the fear well up inside him. She would leave him over this. He hit full blown panic when he realized she will not marry him or be intimate with him ever again over this. He was fucked! She was so extremely angry at him. She was so beautiful when angry. He had never seen her like this.

He whispered, "Please, Anastasia, don't leave me."

She got in bed and curled up into a ball. She pulled the covers up to her neck and turned her back to him.

He sadly asked, "Aren't you going to eat anything for dinner? It was put in the refrigerator."

She said, "I have no appetite. I would puke." He left the room and went to his office to think and slept on his desk in his chair that night.

—--

The next day at work they didn't speak to one another but on business related topics. She was emotionally shut down. Christian had an eleven o'clock appointment with Flynn. He had talked to him last night for two hours about Ana and everything that brought him to this point.

He walked into his office and started telling him everything. John Flynn asked him questions he had. Christian said to Flynn, "She is in complete professional mode right now. She is doing her job and nothing more. I'm afraid to ask her for lunch. She shut down everything on me. She won't touch me or let me touch her."

Flynn asked, "Christian, from what you've told me, she was an only child all her life and was raised by a large group of nine military men that had her trained to protect herself, as they protected her. She was abandoned by her own mother, the only blood relative she had at age six. Of course, she wants a family of her own. You said she was all by herself for three years after her father, the only man she called father, who ever loved her died. You can't expect her not to hold firm on what she expects from you. She is right that birth control can fail and so do minor surgeries."

Christian said, "I don't want children. I'll fuck them up. They will take her away from me."

Christian whispered, "She'll love them more than me and I will end up hating them. Elena said I was damaged and can't handle a family and they are little attention suckers."

Flynn said, "I see. Are you listening to yourself? So after all you've been through up to now, you would believe what Elena told you about yourself? Christian it's part of her programing of you and trying to groom you into a version of herself. You're letting it crawl around inside you ruining this part of your life. Can't you see she never wanted you to have any aspect of your family or a future family without her being able to control you exclusively. It would threaten her control over you. She always wanted to make you focus totally on her and her teachings. She lied to you from the beginning. It was part of her selfish plan and the grooming of a controlling pedophile. She told you you were too damaged to prevent you from ever having children and told you that you couldn't handle it. She lied to you. Like all her other things she said to you."

Christian sat down on the sofa and put his head in his hands and thought, 'He was right, it was what she told me repeatedly while she beat the shit out of me in her dungeon. She made me distance myself from my family, telling me only she understood me completely. She said it over and over in our sessions in the dungeon when I was younger, whip stroke by whip stroke.'

Christian sadly said, "She used to tell me, while I was restrained, that she was the only one who understands how I felt and what my needs were. She would be telling me that my family wouldn't care about me if they knew the real me or that they couldn't understand me because I was too broken. She said only she could fix me. Then she would… put me in her mouth. She said after that children were little needy whiny creatures that take away your attention and are like greedy vermin. She said I was too fucked up to ever deal with them. She said the best children were aborted children." His skin crawled at the memory. He felt like a fool.

Flynn clear his throat because it was nauseating how she had manipulated him through sex to drive in her ideals. Flynn was glad she was dead now, but her programming remains.

Flynn said, "You still believe her over all the things she ever told you during her sessions of cruel manipulation? Christian, children are not like that, only to Elena they were. She wanted you to be afraid of children. She wanted you to never want them because she didn't want you too. She was controlling you to be like her again, just like all those other things she did to you and told you that were lies. Now, you're letting her destroy your relationship, all through the lies she told you again. She told you you couldn't have a normal relationship and you have found a loving woman who has saved your entire life. She is the opposite of everything Elena stood for. That's why Elena hated her so much right away, because of her strength, intelligence and kindness. She knew she was challenged and out matched in the end. Anastasia protected and saved your life in very clever and kind ways. You would deny her a piece of you and her blended together? You would find that a child comes into this world like a blank slate. It would love you just as much as her. She never said she wanted one immediately, but you slammed the door in her face. That's why she is so very angry at you. She is too loving and strong to deal with that kind of ultimatum you gave her. It left her with only one choice, children eventually or nothing with you. She will never kill her child and she will never comply with your demand. She sees it as killing you and her if you ever tried to make her abort. Don't you see what you have done?"

Christian hung his head in shame. He said, "How can I fix this? She hates me now."

Flynn said, "I seriously doubt she hates anything about you. She is deeply hurt and feels her love for you is dying with this issue weighing her down. You need to come to your own conclusion that she will never let you fail at raising a child. You told me she has taught you everything else through example, why would you think it stops there?"

Christian said, "I can't lose her, John. She is my world now. She knows everything about me but still is there until now. I drove a nail in the coffin lid to wreck everything. What should I do? What do I say to her? I'm scared she won't forgive me."

Flynn said, "Have you or have you not changed your mind?"

Christian said, "I see what Elena has done. I'm still afraid of children, but like you said, she won't let me fail. I guess it comes down to believing in Elena or believing in Anastasia. I believe in Anastasia because she has never lied or tried to manipulate me, but she countered my demand with her own. She told me last night that I had to man up this week fast."

He suddenly got very emotional and shouted, "She said if I couldn't give her a child and get my priorities straight, she would cancel the wedding, quit GEH and leave me all alone! She said I carved her heart out with a spoon!" He started crying into his hands.

Flynn had seen him over the years in many different states of emotions but this one was heart wrenching. This man had himself under such control for years and he was finally falling apart, due to his fear of losing the woman he truly loves. If Flynn hadn't seen it, he wouldn't have believed it. Christian was getting in touch with his emotional immaturity that Elena stunted. He had suppressed it all for so long, but through Anastasia loving him they have surfaced like a complete breakthrough.

Flynn said, "You tell her how you feel. You tell her why you said that. You tell her what we talked about. You tell her what you've finally realized that your fear stemmed from Elena trying to make you afraid of a family. You speak honestly to her. I think you'll find that everything will be ok. Anastasia is a caring, intelligent and forgiving woman from what you have told me."

Flynn thought, 'Anastasia is healing and reaching him. They have only been together a few months, all those things that Elena made him shut off and suppress are surfacing. Everything from the years of fifteen to twenty eight that have been missing in his life, he is just now learning how to deal with the emotions that were stunted. It is her love that has changed his life. It's a miracle.'

Christian pulled himself together listening to Flynn tell him what to do. He will do it. He had to try to save the best thing that ever happened to him. Her love was everything. He said, "I'll try. I can't fail or my life is over. She can't leave me all alone."

Christian waited until after they both got home from work. Ana went into the bedroom and grabbed clothes and changed in the bathroom. Christian took off his tie and jacket and opened his shirt rolling up the sleeves on his forearms . He was thinking about everything he talked about with Flynn and what he had to do.

When she came out of the bathroom with her face scrubbed and in a tshirt and sweatpants, she went to walk past himto the bedroom door. He reached out grabbing her hand and said, "I need to talk to you. I need to tell you about what happened today." She stopped and looked at him. She sat on the chair across from him and looked at him but didn't say anything. He took a big breath and dove into the deep end.

He said nervously running his hands through his hair, "First thing is, I am so very sorry about the other day, Anastasia. Second, I need to explain why I acted like I did."

He took a deep breath and exhaled, continuing, "I was so afraid of us having children because the fear inside of me was overwhelming. Elena would beat me while telling me repeatedly over the years that she was the only one who understands how I felt and what my needs were. She would be telling me that my family wouldn't care about me if they knew the real me or that they couldn't understand me because I was too broken. She said only she could fix me. She also said that children were little needy whiny creatures that take away your attention and are like greedy vermin. She said I was too fucked up to ever deal with them. She said the best children were aborted children. She instilled fear of getting someone pregnant so deep inside of me it caused a huge reaction the other day when you were bringing up the subject. It became a phobia I guess."

Ana thought, 'That goddamn bitch is still fucking around in his head. Here he is finally realizing this is still fallout from her brainwashing him.'

He said, "John Flynn made me realize that it was part of her trying to groom me, to program me to be like her. She made me believe it. I am scared of children because of what she planted in my head, but John told me that if you were there to help through everything, like you have so far, that you could help me get over my fear of children too."

He got down on his knees in front of her and put his head in her lap. He begged, "Please, oh God, please. Anastasia, don't hate me. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry, Anastasia. Please don't leave me. I'll die if you leave me. I'm so scared. Don't hate me." He started crying as silent tears rolled out of his eyes. She put her fingers in his hair rubbing his scalp. He was breaking her heart watching him beg her not to leave him alone on his knees.

She said softly, "I don't hate you Christian. I never could hate you. I was disappointed and afraid you were forcing me away from you because I could never kill my baby. All I could think is that if I accidentally got pregnant, you would push me away because it would happen sooner or later. You hurt me deeply telling me I would have to choose you or my baby in the end. I don't want to invest everything I am into a dead end story of love and disappointment. I was trying to protect my heart when you slammed the door on me. I still love you, Christian."

She somberly said, "I see what you're telling me now. I forgive you, I wish that bitch had never laid her hands on you. You had already been through so much and she had to brainwash you into being like her, empty and broken. You were never broken, Christian. You were a hurt and misunderstood child and when your angst and frustration occured from your touch issues and puberty, she pounced on you. Nothing has been your fault. It was all that pedophile that did this to you. Let's not let anything else she did come between us. I need you to tell me what you feel and your fears when they surface. We need to head these things off when they occur instead of hurting each other. You can't just make a decision that's one sided like that when it concerns both of us. We are in this relationship together, not just one of us anymore. We make decisions together, Christian from now on. Especially things like this." She lifted up his head and looked into his eyes.

He said, "I love you, Anastasia. I would still want you and the baby if you ever got pregnant. I know you won't let me fall down as a father. I trust in you. Please never leave me. I can't live without you anymore." She caressed his face and kissed him. He stood up on his knees between her legs and wrapped his arms around her gently because of her brace. She put her arm around him, rubbing his back and put her head on his shoulder closing her eyes. They stayed like that for a while.

Ana said, "Come lay down with me. I know you didn't sleep well and neither did I last night." They got I bed together and laid down. They were fast asleep when Gail came to check on them for dinner. She closed the door and put their food in the warmer.