My Heart Doth Wander
Chapter 18 : Snowfall
The birds are calling to me
And all the leaves I've come to love are falling
Ribbons on evergreens, owls that pull them apart
I can hear you singing 'My Funny Valentine'
Oh, you know that breaks my heart
Hold the choirs of winter
The birds are calling to me
And all the leaves I've come to love...
Oh, you know that breaks my heart
Oh, you know that breaks my heart.
"Evergreen" – Faithless
A fussing muttering crowd was gathered not a half-hour later around the firepit. The King had dragged a table over to stand on and he looked on sternly as all of Knothole was assembled.
Even Doctor Quack, who had not been far from Lupe the past days, was there. "She's stabilized and in fair condition," he told those who asked. "But there's no way to tell when or...if...she'll wake."
"Do you think she will?"
"I don't know."
"You don't think she will, do you."
"To be honest..." The Doctor averted his eyes to the King, and his voice lowered until Sally could no longer hear from her position. But she knew what he said, she could read his bill.
"No."
Her father was angry, speaking loudly from atop the table, but Sally didn't pay much attention. She caught snippets of his speech. "Behavior unbefitting to the dead..."
Lupe wouldn't wake up... She was lost in sleep forever. Sally wondered if she was dreaming, or if she was simply...nowhere.
"Sir Charles, nor the Freedom Fighters, nor ANYONE is responsible for the deaths that occurred. The only one responsible is the man that attacked them. We all know who that man is."
The crowd muttered. A few faces craned to look at Sally. King Acorn must've seen. He roared out. "Who is that man?"
Nobody answered, not even Sally, who was no longer confident that she didn't deserve those accusing stares. Charles didn't, Sonic didn't, but somehow, she did.
"WHO IS THAT MAN!?"
"Snively," somebody said. It was Tails. Then louder he cried: "Snively! Snively!"
The faces turned from her and more voices added to the chant. It drowned out all thoughts, it made her numb and cold, that damned name. Thrumming through air like the mantra of a dark god.
A god? She could see him, right now, in the back of her eyelids, sparks of light forming his image. He was smiling...he could hear them. And he was so elated to be noticed finally. He basked in the hate.
She should too, then. Lie down and let the villagers trample her, feel their fear and hate and suspicion for her. Indulge. It proved she meant something, that she wasn't insignificant.
But this isn't how I want to be remembered!
Something bubbled from her throat but it wasn't his name. It was some kind of horrible cracked laughter and she choked, trying to hold it down...she went crazy...and fled.
Sonic turned and saw her running. He shrugged and as he turned back, he caught Geoffrey's eye. The skunk had seen her too. He gave a half-hearted smile before returning his gaze to the King.
From the mind of Mobius's most Way Past Cool Hedgehog, Sonic
I'm worried for Sally.
She seems like she's losing control. She was always the calm one, ya know, cool and collected. Leader-like. And now she's losing it.
Hey, I'm not saying I'm not sad about what happened...I am. I really am. But I know I did all I could. All we can do is fight him.
Sally takes it and she makes it into a knife and she stabs herself over and over.
St. John and me went to her hut later that night, at sundown. The place was so quiet you'd think everyone in the village was dead. The King's orders...Silence over Knothole to honor our fallen.
St. John knocked and there was no answer for a few minutes. He was about to knock again when the door opened. Sally's hair was messed-up and she blinked at us, eyes blurry. "...What?"
Geoff held out a lit candle to her; we each had one now. Turning my head, I was startled to see the sun had dropped away already. In the dark I could see spots of light around the firepit, moving steadily away.
"King Acorn announced a vigil," whispered Geoff. "For anyone who wants to come, down at the pool. And for everyone he says there should be silence over Knothole the rest of today...well tonight, now."
"Maybe this'll stop the fighting..." she said, dully, shifting her hair away with the hand holding the candle. I flinched – she wasn't being very careful! I could just see her head going up in flames.
We started walking. Geoff and me joined the line of people making their way down to the pool. When I looked back I saw Sally had slowed way down. She was lagging way behind.
"Hey Sally, c'mon," I said as quiet as I could.
"I don't think I should go." She said. She blew out her candle and disappeared into the darkness. After a few seconds my eyes could see her again.
"Sal, c'mon, you care about them, don't you?"
"Of course I care." Her voice was so angry and sad. "It's just that-"
"Those people are stupid-asses," growled St. John. "They want to blame us for this? They don't know shit, mate. Don't you mind them, luv."
Amazing, but I was actually agreeing with St. Stink. I nodded vigorously.
She came closer and we each put an arm around her shoulder. She was between us and for once I didn't care. I couldn't tell in the dark, but she sounded like maybe she was crying. She sniffed quietly as Geoff struck a match and relit her candle.
I felt so bad as we came to the crowd at the pool's edge, but I wasn't feeling bad for the ones we were there for. Bernard, Caddy, the others? Even Lupe was overshadowed in my mind; I felt sick for Sally. I wanted to reach a hand inside her and tear out the things that made her sad and guilty. She doesn't deserve this!
I hope that doesn't make me a bad person, to care more for her. I don't think it does. She's my girl. And well...they're already dead, this sounds awful, doesn't it...? They're already dead so nothing else can hurt them. But she's still alive and in a lot of pain.
We had never found Caddy's or Rosham's bodies, so all we had were Bernard's ashes. They had been put in a silver box and set upon the big log by the pool, with candles stuck all around. I hoped none of them would fall over and burn down the forest. It was kind of nice, I guess, with all the candlelight shining on the box. I had a weird thought then, like...what will they do if I died? How many people would come...what would they put my remains in? What would they say about me?
And would I deserve having those things said...?
I hated that thought, it wasn't right. I shouldn't be thinking about being dead. Not when people had died. I should be grateful to still be here. And I was. But I still wondered.
King Acorn went to the candles and said a few words for Bernard and the others. I didn't really pay attention until Geoffrey moved away from us and stood by the candles.
"Bernard died like a Freedom Fighter – fighting." He laid a hand gently on the box. "I honor the bloke."
Sally whispered something next to me. I thought maybe she wanted to go say a few words too. But she didn't.
I didn't know Bernard or the others very much but I went up and told the crowd that he was a good man and he had died bravely, that, when he was hurt he was worried about other people before himself. There was a lot of crying and sniffling and some more people said stuff, but I started tuning them out. I looked at Sally but she didn't notice. She was staring at the silver box, her eyes all blank and her fists clenched hard on her vest.
I nudged her but she ignored me. It wasn't till after the vigil that she said something. Everyone had gone away and Bernard's ashes had been thrown into the wind. I hoped I didn't breathe any of them in, that just seemed gross.
I walked her home. She went inside without saying anything but as she was shutting the door she looked at me. "He died unnecessarily. They all said he was noble, but he threw his life away. How is that noble?"
It stunned me. "But Sally, he was trying to help-"
"They all died for nothing. They never should've come. We never should've let them."
"Sally, when you gonna get it," I said angrily, "They made their own-"
She turned away and the rest of my sentence was spoken to the closed door.
"-choice."
Sally stumbled to the bed and flopped onto the softness but she barely felt it. Her entire body felt like she'd been immersed in the Power Ring pool for a very long time...in the winter. All she could hear, numbly, was the sound of blood moving sluggishly through her frozen veins and the loud jarring chirp of a cricket somewhere out in the living room.
More annoying and insistent than the rusty song of the cricket was a thought. Something that had been said that day nagged her mind. It wasn't what Sonic had just said; she barely remembered that, despite it being minutes ago. And it wasn't the flattering talk of Bernard's bravery at the vigil....it wasn't anything that had been said there.
No, it was something else, something insignificant. Something the speaker had said without thinking of the implications. But she couldn't remember what it was, she only knew that it had been said...and it was important. It was a key.
She'd heard sleeping could solve problems. She rolled over and shoved her head into the pillow, wondering if she might suffocate in her sleep, maybe hoping too. She drifted away, wondering what could, what could, what could be the key?
Three days fell like leaves and crumbled away into brown flakes, insignificant and colorless. Nobody did much of anything. The silence, though imposed for only the night of the vigil, lasted longer. It began to wane as whispers became mutters and mutters became normally spoken words. On this third day, there was even the occasional yell.
Tails and Nadie were walking by the pool. It was unusually cold for this time of year – newborn autumn. The leaves were showing signs of turning; an odd orange or red leaf stood out from the green.
Tails looked up to see the skies slate blue and gray, cloudy. The sun managed to find gaps to shine through. It wasn't enough to warm them for swimming, so they strolled.
He found himself looking at Nadie, maybe wanting to hold her hand.
"Should we find the others?" she asked, tossing a wayward braid off her shoulder.
"Nah. Hey...I think the strawberries might be out now!"
"Oooh, where?" She licked her lips and he laughed. Resisting the temptation to tug her along, he led her around the pool to the bare rock of the cliff wall. The foliage was thick and ensnaring; it was why most people didn't venture back here. He found a small path and they ducked vines and hit aside twigs until they came to the strawberry plants.
The green leaves were nestled against the cliff wall, showing unripe berries. Tails whined in disappointment.
"Darn! They don't look good yet....Nadie?" She wasn't near him; he turned to look for her.
She was a ways down the path, tentatively reaching her hand towards the cliff wall. He loped up to her. "Nadie, the strawberries aren't good yet." She didn't seem to acknowledge him, instead, her small gray paw caressed the stone. He frowned.
"Nadie?"
"These rocks...are filled with energy," she said, finally turning orange eyes upon him. "Life energy." She scrutinized him. "Can't you feel it?"
He didn't feel much of anything, except for a mosquito that kept landing on his ear, no matter how many times he flicked it. "Um, no?"
She sighed. "It's quite strong." She stared intently at the rocks, trying to see through them. He put a hand on them too, but he had to disappoint her by shaking his head. It only felt like rock to him.
"Don't worry about it," she said... "A lot of people can't feel the things I do."
"I guess that's why you're a Shaman," he said, pressing his hand harder to the rock and still feeling nothing.
"Yeah." She looked around. "Is there any caves or anything around here?"
"I don't think so..." He felt something then, but not under his hand. On his nose, a drop of something cold. He rolled his eyes upward and gave a yip. "Snow!"
They stared up to see the whirling white flakes coming down, soft and delicate, melting as soon as they touched ground. Nadie pranced away from the wall and around the pool, dancing around on the shores. Tails followed her, laughing at her enthusiasm.
She reached out a hand, giggling. "I've never seen snow before!"
Well of course not, she lived in a desert. "I guess not!" Tails said, but he was enchanted with the falling flakes as well. There was something special about first snowfall.
"It gets cold in the Great Unknown at night," she said, watching a flake melt in her palm, "But it never snows."
There was a whoop of laughter and several of the other children came sprinting down the path, nearly colliding with the prancing Nadie.
"Isn't this neat?!" one of the wolven kids bellowed.
All the children agreed, that yes, it was very neat...
There were others who didn't feel the same.
Sally was working alone in the small garden behind her hut, pulling weeds. The snow did not fall upon her nose; her thick hair provided a curtain while she stared down at the ground.
Brown earth, crumpled green weeds. It was unusually cold today, but she hadn't donned her jacket. She allowed the chill air to seep through her fur. The cold killed her....it was too soon for the winter to be creeping in. Too soon for the life that had bloomed in the last few months to be smothered under ice again.
Something white hit the ground. She blinked and it was gone. But then it reappeared and it had brought others. She stared, not breathing, hoping this was an illusion. It was too early for this!
When she snapped her head up, she was dismayed to see it wasn't an illusion. Whirling down against the slate gray skies were the white flakes that marked the end of Summer and the beginning of a long death sleep. She stared up, feeling her eyes flood over. The thought of losing the flowers and leaves and sunlight, and the darkness creeping in earlier and earlier...it was excruciating.
It felt like the very planet had reached up a great hand of earth and rock and backhanded her across the face. She was dizzy from the blow, bowing her head low to the ground, nearly laying upon it. Crumpled like one of the dying weeds.
She spoke to the dirt. "We're trying to save you...we're really trying...."
In response the snow only seemed to fall thicker, melting in her hair. She shivered. To be rejected by Mobius itself was cold...it was emptier than anything she'd ever felt before. Like being thrust into outer space, yes, that was how it was, exactly...and no matter where she looked in that vast space, she couldn't see any stars.
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." She curled on the ground, hugging herself. Her voice trailed off and there was silence in the garden. The snow continued to fall; melting into the ground along with her tears.