My Heart Doth Wander

Chapter 23 : A Voice from the Deep Deep Well

Take her arms and hold her down

Until she stops moving

Take her arms and hold her down

Until she stops kicking

They don't know her, but what the fuck

They've got nothing else they can do

And there's no reason, but still they come,

And I'd have a hard time facing you;

This crime, the shame of what a man can do.

I would've died from all the hell that you've been through.

Take the night back, all we've stolen

All they took from you.

"Hold her down" – Toad the Wet Sprocket

From the mind of Casssar, Queen of Robotropolia and Woman of the thoughtful mind.

Another dawn came to the city and I decided to go out upon the balcony. The robots had finally finished repairing it. I pressed a foot down upon it, testing, anticipating a sudden collapse and my long fall through the smog clouds. I would be safe though. I could levitate. I should test it then, to be sure that will not happen to Black Flower. I do not wish to find my love shattered upon the ground.

But what was this? He was already out here. He had his skinny arms folded and leaned upon the railing, staring out across the expanse of our empire.

"You are not worried about this floor collapsing?" I asked, coming up behind him and rubbing my hands along the juts of his shoulder blades.

"If I fall, I fall," he said, in a chipper tone, sighing a bit as I massaged his back through the gray fabric of his shirt.

"I would not be happy," I said, nuzzling my cheek against the top of his head. It was warm and smooth, and he always smelled lovely. Lovely and tasty. It was a struggle to keep my tongue from rolling out and licking him all over... Mmm. I purred at the thought, my eyes narrowing deviously.

"I imagine not," he chuckled. His face was alight and he was smiling as he turned to face me. He leaned his back against the railing, arms crossed across his chest. He radiated smugness.

"Why are you so happy today, Black Flower?" It was indeed unusual to see him in such a state...it was good to see it.

"I had a dream," he said. That was another oddity; his dreams rarely generated pleasure. This must be something special then.

"What sort of dream?"

"About my father... He was..." He trailed off, his words tapered into a sound...a soft impish giggle. It grew louder...and there was something about it that made me feel slightly ill. Like a danger – like a swarm of bees coming, nearer and nearer. Black Flower stood up on his tiptoes and wrapped one arm around my waist, and the other grabbed my arm. He pressed himself so hard against me and his mouth roughly met mine. His tongue shoved in. I could still feel him giggling – a swarm of bees cascading down my throat. He was aroused too – a hardness dug into my thigh.

I always wanted him violently and fevered...I loved to indulge in our kisses. I craved the time when we would lie down together and twist our bodies as one. But this was...wrong somehow. Tainted, yes, he was, but he was tainted like me – hurt by others and so in turn wanting to hurt, but that was a seed that had been planted within him. This man here, this man...it was like he had always BEEN that way. And that is not the Black Flower I know and love! So I, alarmed, shoved him away.

His hand was still clenching my arm, like a vice. It hurt but I would not cry out. "Release my arm, Cast," I demanded.

"He was kissing me," Snively continued, as if I had said nothing, his hand tightening harder still. "I was pressed against a window and people were walking by. One man looked in and saw us. He saw what my father was doing, and he still walked past."

My vision went to stricken red haze – how did he know this?! I had never told him. I saw flashes of light, I saw my own white-child hand clenching upon the frame of the window. It was warm against my back. Sunlight was coming in. The people couldn't see us because of the glare – I thought. Dust motes sparkled around my father's head; I tried to focus on their beauty, instead of the pain that he inflicted upon me. Daddy had the gall to do the very-bad-thing to me right in the window of our house – because it was wartime...and he knew nobody would stop. Nobody would even care.

"What's wrong Cass..." Snively cooed and leaned closer. He inhaled, sniffing me, his pointy nose wrinkling. "You stink...Cass. You smell like used garbage. Trash. Somebody's little hunk of meat...somebody's little whore princesssss..." He hissed the word and I could not take anymore – I screamed.

My hand lashed to strike. It stopped before touching his face; I whimpered like a child in horror, my eyes grew round. My hand had turned white. My fur had turned white – that thick sticky wet fur, that fur that held the tint of blood so well, that fur I had grown to hate – WHITE. But worse, worse still was Snively, for he had gone paler than pale. He had gone white too...

His face had turned into my father's and he leered at me. "You thought you could get away from me. All that running didn't do you no good, little slut. I'm here now. I'm here to take you back, baby."

"No," I cried and my voice had lost all its strength – all my power had gone! Black Flower had been devoured by my father and he could not save me!

I did the only thing I could think of. I lunged at him, slamming into him full-force and we fell against the balcony railing. It was dangerous, as I had suspected. It broke and we fell through – we fell for miles.

He grinned up as he hit the ground seconds before me.

"I've been searching my entire life for you."

I tried to levitate but it was too late. Everything went black. And then nothing.

To find my father. That was what this was all about.

Dead, alive, evil, healed, loving, cruel, remembering, forgetting – still stronger than me? I wondered so often lately which of these things my father would be.

But before I had NEVER wondered! I had pushed him out of my mind and thrown him into a deep dark well. I had sealed this well with a door and a key. He could not harm me there.

All of the scars he had made on me...I had opened them and let them bleed out until they were clean. I had covered the white fur he had defiled. He was gone. I had been fine!

Until...

I lay sprawled on the bed keeping the gateways of my mind open, letting the thoughts sift through on their own accord.

There was once a man named Robotnik. I never knew him directly. I never even knew the full influence of his deeds. I knew him only from snippets of conversation from passing Mobians – of the dark shadow he had cast, of his snares set everywhere, his robots, his evil, his scouring troops. And I came across those troops – but I avoided them. Robotnik may have been Mobius's greatest evil but he was a mere speck in my life.

But this man, Robotnik, he had taken his grubby fingers and left filthy smear marks on people. And one person was a man that I am endeared to. This man, his nephew, is my love. And he has the mark of Robotnik all upon him. Through Snively I have grown to know Robotnik. Because of Robotnik, Snively had suffered. Because of this suffering, Snively had been able to open doors he shouldn't have. Just by his mere presence, just by the force of his pain.

Yes, Snively's pain had formed a key and that key unlocked the door to my father. He had not meant to do it. He didn't even know he had.

But I'm still fine. My father still can't climb the sides. He's still stuck down there. The problem is...I can hear his voice now that door is open. He is whispering...he's asking me to find him.

But I can ignore him, because I could care less what happened to him. He can be dead and rotting for all I care. He could be alive and searching for me...what do I care?

That's what I have to keep telling myself. I must be strong. I must keep this agony in – for Black Flower.

But I can never keep anything inside for too long...


Morning came, foggy over the city. Billows of mist rolled down the streets. 'Or ghosts, perhaps,' thought Snively, standing outside the Command Center. It was the first time he'd been out since the Freedom Fighter's attack.

His footsteps crunched upon the ground; he rounded the fallen leg of Robotnik's statue.

"Are you ever going to get this place cleaned up?" asked Casssar. She made no sound, even when treading the exact path he had taken.

"Oh, I don't know." He ran his fingers along the gray cracked stone, smiling wickedly. "It's somewhat of a testament to his defeat. I rather like it. Besides..." He chuckled. "I don't have much use for a front door. I don't get many guests."

"Quite true," said she, guiding his arm.

"Where are we walking to?"

"Wherever my feet lead me," she replied. But she had a certain destination in mind. It was away from the shrouded streets of the city.

"Is it a surprise?" he asked, semi-mocking.

"Maybe..." She put a teasing hand over his eyes. He closed them and allowed her to guide him to their mysterious goal. He felt the ground of Robotropolis give way to a loose grit upon a hard-packed earth. He knew where they were instantly. The Wasteland between the city and forest.

"Ah," he said, allowing a peek through his eyelashes. "I think I know where we're heading..."

"It's not much of a surprise." She admitted. "But it is pleasant, nonetheless."

He had always been leery of walking out in Nature alone. Freedom Fighters could be lurking, waiting to take him down. The trees themselves seemed to know his crimes and they bowed over accusingly. He had once had a dream that he had been swept into the branches of a towering Oak and swallowed whole into its knotted trunk. My goodness...that had been such a long time ago...such a long time. And it had been an Oak tree, he knew for certain, for acorns had fallen and marked the spot where he had been standing. It had been some twisted metaphor... The Acorns having their revenge.

Ah, but I had MY revenge on them! He thought savagely, remembering Sally's broken crying voice from the other night. His mirth died as instantly as it had come. She had made a FOOL of him. She had thrown those ashes...and they had gotten on him...he had breathed the stench of his dead Uncle in. It was in his blood now...maybe it was killing him. Maybe Robotnik didn't even NEED to come back from the dead to destroy his nephew...

"Cast?" Casssar tugged on his arm and he shook his head, scattering the thoughts like scared mice, staring up at her. She left his side, seating herself upon a stone. The soothing gurgle of water met his ears; they were at a stream. Red and gray rocks, spiked weeds, and the towering trees...they had been here before. A long time ago.

"It is our stream," she agreed aloud, reaching down to cup water in her hands. She drank from them, casting him a saucy look. "I have wanted to return here for quite some time, but I could not drag you away from your computers and schemes for even an hour!"

"I'm not sure if I would have went..." He said, a slight blush hitting his cheeks. All that plotting, for NOTHING! To defend against a man who wasn't even REAL anymore! "I was...unsettled. Stupid!" He frowned. "I wasted so much time I could have spent on you..."

Her heart twisted. His words, self-loathing for seconds, cut through her.

"I'm surprised you didn't just leave me, Cass."

She cupped her hands into the stream again, and held them out to him. Water streamed between the gaps of her fingers and down her wrists...so reminiscent of blood...except it was ice cold. Snively stared at himself in this liquid mirror and then leaned forward, drinking her offering delicately.

"My little gray bird..." she said warmly. "Such a pretty little thing."

He wiped his mouth, grinning, rolling his eyes. "Oh, Cass! You know, I can't deny it isn't flattering when you say stuff like that...but honestly... You and I both know I'm..." He tugged one strand of hair, sticking out his tongue, pointy nose wrinkling. "Hardly attractive!"

"I disagree!" She purred and then tackled him suddenly, pinning him down on the green and gold grass. Oh, it smelled good...wild and free. Leaves were red and orange like fire overhead, and one fell, landing next to Snively's head like a blot of blood. She crumbled it in her fingers, while the other hand, still wet, stroked a line down his cheek. His eyes, blue jewels, glinted up at her.

"You're so nuts, Cass..." He giggled and then closed his eyes as she tilted her head down, mouth meeting mouth, kissing for long moments.

"Mmmmmm..." he whispered as they broke away. "What have I done to deserve this kind of luxury...?" Another kiss. Another. She laughed against his lips and rolled off him.

They lay staring up at the clouds and the tree branches. Some were still laden with the autumn leaves, and others had gone bare and lonely. She turned her head to sniff the scent of grass; Snively eyed her with an amused smirk. "I miss the wilds..." She said...burying her nose into the fragrant sheaves. "I miss the smell of it. The freedom...the running."

His smirk faded and he looked away.

She was silent. He glanced back, mouth pouting. "I'm not stopping you from coming out here, Casssar... You don't have to stay in Robotropolis all the time..."

"I know," she said. "But I enjoy your company."

"We can come out here than, together!" He sat up abruptly, locking his eyes on her...they were wide in fear, his hands twisting in the grass. "As often as you want, Cass!"

"Alright," she said, moving her hand to grasp his. She felt like weeping, but she knew how to hold tears at bay. "That sounds nice, Black Flower."

He sprang upon her, lying close, his head nestled into her shoulder. "Are you happy here...with me?"

She poked his arm playfully. "Why so insecure today?"

"Are you?" he asked again. "Answer or else!"

"Or else what?" she grinned. "You will what?"

He kissed along her neck. "I'll have to bite your throat out!" he giggled.

She snorted in amusement. "Those strange little teeth of yours wouldn't do much damage."

He chuckled and began to shimmy his way down her body. "Maybe I'll bite you elsewhere..."

"That's a threat?"

He rested his head on her stomach and gazed at her. The smile had gone from his face and only vulnerability remained. "Cass, really...are you?"

She cradled her hand to his cheek. "I love you, Cast. I am happy with you. I had thought this was a clear thing."

He closed his eyes, turning his head away from her. His way of hiding. "And it is, Cass, but things like this are so complex..."

"You analyze too much."

He shook his head with a self-hating laugh. "Force of habit, I suppose..."

She switched their positions; rolling atop him. A savage growl took him by surprise. Her hand slid down his chest and shirt buttons undid themselves. He shivered at the touch of air upon exposed skin; shivered again, deeper, as her tongue flickered a path down the pale surface. "I can remedy that..." her voice was a sensual threat, her hands lighting on his belt. "I can make you forget your sense of logic."

A small squeak escaped his mouth; her lithe fingers were undoing the buckle and her fur was crackling with tingling, prying magic. Her claims had already been proven. Casssar grinned deviously. But there was no reason why she couldn't continue!

The belt unbuckled and one lithe hand slid in. He jolted, his smaller hands grabbing ahold of her arm, digging in. He gasped; she chuckled. Her face moved towards him, a tempting kissing distance away... and he took the bait. Clumsily, he caught her mouth. His kissing was distracted, his fingers tightening their grip.

"Do you enjoy that?" she whispered in his ear, still laughing darkly. Somewhere, in the dark bowing leaves of evergreen, the fluttering of birds' wings echoed. He let out a quiet moan, pulling his mouth away, his gaze darting to the woods.

"What was that?" he whispered, his hand grasping upon hers, attempting to still the pleasure for a moment.

"Just birds..."

He stared hard, trying to pierce through the darkness but his vision wasn't like hers. He couldn't see past the gloom. His breathing shuddered in harsh; not just from the continued groping of Casssar's hand...but at the notion that someone could be standing mere feet away from them, staring... and he would never know. Chills crept down his spine; he gritted his teeth to suppress another moan.

She leaned forward, running her tongue along his jawbone, tasting skin and sweat. His hand was gripping harder upon hers; he attempted to pull it away.

"Casss...stop...stop for a minute."

She chuckled evilly, lapping at his chin. His brow crinkled, an eyebrow twitched.

"I mean it, Cass, stop!"

"Oh fine!" She huffed and withdrew her hand, mightily displeased. She stood and approached the stream, kicking a pebble into the water. It sank with a loud splash.

"Casss..." He was panting, cheeks flushed, looking from the forest depths to her, and then back again. "I didn't mean it like that...It's just..." He tried to re-buckle his belt but his fingers were shaking. "It's creepy out here..."

"It's only a forest." She looked over her shoulder at him reproachfully. "I'm starting to think you do not enjoy my touches, Black Flower."

His eyes widened. "Casssar, you can't honestly think that."

"You always reject me," she said, lip jutting outwards in a pout. One black foot dipped into the cool water of the stream, stirring. "Whenever I want to have fun...you don't..."

"It isn't rejection," he protested. "It's just...a matter of place and time..." Small white teeth bit down hard into his bottom lip. "And these past few weeks...I've been...so preoccupied. With goddamn Julian... I... I fucked it up with you...didn't I?"

She sat by the stream's edge. He joined her. "No," she said.

He leaned his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. "Cass," he said, sincerely, hoping to shatter the sudden coldness in her fur, the stiffness of her body. "Your touches are the most enjoyable thing in my life. You are a gift I don't deserve."

"How poetic," she sneered.

"Casss..." His breath hitched and he clutched her in a desperate embrace. "I MEAN it, Cass!" Oh Gods, it was so hard...so very hard to say things like this, didn't she know that?! No matter how true to the soul they were...just admitting a dependency... a love... it was an act of opening doors. Doors that had not been opened... doors that had vulnerable things behind them. Like ripping a fingernail off and prodding the tender skin underneath. His hard armor had been stripped, leaving him open to her attack.

She turned her head and he was afraid to see her expression. But she smiled. Those green eyes glinted. "I know." She put her hands to his face and kissed his forehead. "I know you do. But I wish to have you, Black Flower. Perhaps not here, then, if you are afraid. But later..."

"Later..." he agreed...feeling heat rise in his cheeks...and other places...

A rustling underneath the darkness of the spruce and pines across the stream made him remember his initial fear. His breath caught in his throat and he pressed closer to her. One hand fumbled for his belt...but he hadn't worn his pistol today. Casssar had asked him not to!

A small gray non-anthro squirrel hopped out from the darkness and sat back on its haunches, long tail of fluff flicking. He exhaled noisily, a laugh trailing the end.

"Oh look..." She extended four long fingers towards the rodent, vapors of white magic circling. "A snack..."

"Cass, no!" He cried, giggling in amusement. The magic shot out, landing close to the little beast and it leapt up, chattering in indignation. Back into the darkness it fled, scolding them the entire way. Snively peered up at her, laughter sobering. "But I imagine you did eat squirrel, living out here?"

"Among other things." She nodded. "I rarely went hungry...not once I had learned to focus my energy into attacks."

He splashed one hand in the stream. The water was ice cold, hurting. He withdrew the hand, wiping it on his still-undone shirt. "How did you... when you ran away...how did you live?"

"It was very hard, at first." She stared off into the forest. "I ran as far as I could away from the place where I had lived all my life. That in itself was...frightening..."

He nodded. He knew what it was like to leave an old life behind and venture into something new. But he had been so excited to do so... leaving 'beloved' daddy behind for Julian and the Acorn Kingdom and his supposed position as Julian's protégé. He snorted bitterly.

"I remember that first night clearly," she said. "Vivid. I can see it now."

----------------

I ran as far as I could before dropping down from exhaustion. My entire body ached. Blood was hammering in my throat, behind my eyes. In my ears there was a terrible rushing noise. I could barely swallow with a parched mouth. I lay where I had fallen, in long brown grass, gasping and gulping the air – I was starved of it.

Finally, I could sit up, one hand to my side for there was a painful stitch there. I blinked away tears and looked around. I was in a wide long field; a patchwork of green and brown and starling flares of yellow and pink flower-weeds.

But the chaotic wilderness bore signs of intervention. The treads of war machines had left gaping muddy troughs across the fields. They had crossed here as they headed towards Overlander territories.

I was not worried about the war, or any of that. Now that air was back in my lungs and my vision had cleared, I could focus on more immediate concerns. My father was a hunter. He had long strong legs. Any stamina I had was passed down from him. He could be right here. Maybe he was crouching in the long grass right now, watching me. Laughing to himself.

I was so scared, thinking of that. The weight of my thoughts was hard on my body. It wanted to stay here and curl up...and just die. Dying was easier than running from the man I couldn't escape. Dying WAS the escape.

But I did not die there. I got to my feet, all wobbly and weak, crying softly. I was not far enough away for sleep, or for dying. This open field was no place to be unconscious. If I were to die, I would have to go further away...so there would be no chance of anyone finding me and bringing me home. Because... when mommy had died...Daddy still hadn't left her body alone. I could not stand that thought...of him still hurting my body even after I had left it.

Or maybe I wouldn't be able to leave it! Maybe I would die and he would somehow trap me there! Maybe it would be even worse than being alive!

So I got up and limped on, for miles and miles... until I came to the fringes of a forest. I fell into darkness and pine needles and I slept there. I awoke under the spreading branches of a spruce tree and crawled from the blackness under it...

--------------

"The sun was shining on the dewy leaves. The air smelled... sweet. I did not wake up...for the first time in such a long time with another body on mine... or with a hand striking me. I did not wake up with his voice in my ears! I was alone...except for the singing of birds."

Snively was looking away from her. His lower lip was trembling and his hands were clenched into fists.

"Don't cry," said Casssar... for she could see drops of water falling from his chin. "That was..." She drew in a deep breath, her voice lowering as if sharing a vast secret. "The first time I felt joy in years, Black Flower. I felt like life was open to me."

He rubbed his hand across his eyes. "Why..." His voice was strung with sudden anger...No, not just anger...but rage. Seething rage. "Why do things like this have to happen, Cass?! What did we ever do to deserve things like that?! AS CHILDREN!? Why did we deserve this?!"

"It's over now," she said.

"But why?!" He cried, grabbing her hand.

"There isn't a why," she frowned. "There never is."

He sighed, rubbing her hand to his cheek. "My whole life is built on WHY, Casssar. My whole fucking existence is built on it. If there isn't a why, then there isn't a reason... a reason for anything. There isn't even a reason for US."

"Because life is unfair. Isn't that an Overlander phrase? That's your why, Cast. Because life is chaotic. It takes all these different feelings...and situations...and events...and everything like rain...and it rains it down...and some people get the good parts and some people get the bad and some people get rained on more than their share – good or bad – it's all random. There is no USE to puzzle on it. It does nothing for us."

He her fingers across his tear-wet cheeks, sucking one digit into his mouth. She chuckled and he smiled gently. "But I want someone...something to blame for what happened to us. I want someone to pay for it."

"Your uncle has paid. Your father is dead."

"Yes..." he nodded again. "So I should be happy."

"You should."

"But your father... you never made him pay."

"I didn't..." Her eyes gazed afar...into the forest. Into the darkness under spruces...so similar to the place she had awoken on her first day of freedom. But it wasn't freedom, for she was still bound in the scars and pain of the past... for she would never escape it...and for, even now, she wanted to seek her father out. She did. No matter how much she tried to drown out his voice from within that deep deep well... she could still hear him...

"But," he breathed, suddenly spontaneous, kissing her hand, "I'm glad you're with me..."

"Me too..." she whispered. Oh...for the sake of all things joyful in this world... make the voice of HIM stop... She kissed him hard, on the mouth, nearly weeping at the warmth and wetness, at the beat of his heart as she pressed herself to him. "I..." Love you, "Black flower..."

He moaned softly into her mouth, but a whimper soon followed. The trees were rustling again and night was falling fast and sudden, as it did when the year grew close to winter. Sunlight would be a rarity everywhere soon, not just in Robotropolis.

"Let's get out of here," he suggested. "Please?" The trees were turning to black shadows and he shivered.

She dipped her head in agreement. "I will follow you, Black Flower. Lead me to a place where you feel safe, and I will follow."

They began the trek back to the city. He walked close to her, jumping frightfully to grab her hand whenever a noise startled him. The sun dropped out of sight. High above, she could see the myriads of glowing stars.

Snively wasn't interested in them, even though they were a rare sight to his city eyes. He was looking back and forth as they neared the hard-packed earth of the wasteland between the city. She conjured up orbs of floating light. They danced like fireflies.

He kept close to her even then. Chuckling, she patted his shoulder. "There is nothing out here, Black Flower."

He laughed nervously. "I know...."

She was walking beside him on the left. She snaked her long tail around, brushing it against his leg on the right. He shrieked and leapt towards her. "OH! Something touched me. Cass!"

He stared down. The culprit tail flicked back behind Casssar's body and she chuckled heartily.

"Oh funny!" He snarled and crossed his arms sullenly across his chest, but the corner of his mouth was twitching in a vain effort to suppress a smile.

"The master of the dark city is afraid of the dark," Cass said in amusement.

"Oh, it's not the dark," he replied, more relaxed as they neared the aforementioned place. The tall structures were lit up with pinpoints of red and white lights – 'starlight of their own', Cass mused. "It's more of what you can't see in the dark." He grinned over at her. "And you? You're probably the only Mobian who's walked into this city without fear."

"I am most fortunate."

"Indeed."

"We are a unique pair."

He echoed. "Indeed!"

They were on familiar streets now.

"What I can do," said Snively after a few minute's silence, "is take over the Great Forest. Tree by tree. No – not destroy it," he said, as she raised her eyebrow. "Just claim it for US. It belongs to them right now, you know. I don't know why Robotnik never just burnt it to the ground."

"Perhaps he enjoyed the game."

"Perhaps." They skirted around the stone leg and headed for the secret entrance. It was camouflaged as part of the wall. The hidden entrance led to an elevator.

Snively did not like the small space, but Casssar was at ease. She lounged against the wall, her long legs taking up most of the floor space. "You said he never killed them outright. He just played with them."

"Yes." Snively watched the changing numbers. They were lit up red, but the color did not make him shiver lately. "He did enjoy it- the sadism. But they made him so angry too. Like a child angry when its toy breaks...when it can't have its way." His lip twisted.

The long black tail ran its way up his leg. Casssar chuckled softly. "Forget him, Black Flower. Tonight is ours."

"Oh good..." He said...and the elevator arrived at their destination. He took her hand and led her down metal hallways... he led her to a place straight out of her nightmares, though he could hardly be aware. He brought her to the balcony.

She did not shudder, or cry, or blink a black-fringed eye. She stepped out, resolute.

'Why not? I can submit to the darkness...for a little while at least...'

A/N: Didn't you just luv all that Sniv/Cass mushiness? XD XD There's more in the next chapter too...lucky you!