My Heart Doth Wander
Chapter 25 : Please Come Home
Don't speak, I know just what you're saying
So, please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak, I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons; don't tell me
Cause it hurts
It's all ending, got to stop pretending who we are.
"Don't Speak" - No Doubt
From the mind of Casssar, torn between love
I remember, about three months after I escaped, I had a dream very vividly. I was back in the field where I had collapsed when I ran away. Except something had gone wrong...I had twisted my ankle and couldn't walk fast enough. Daddy came upon the field, moving in a steady jogging pace. He had so much stamina. He could travel like that for hours. When he saw me, he didn't bother to hurry. I was gasping, dragging my lame leg, hobbling, trying to get away. Finally, I just dropped down like a fool. Like that long grass would have pity and tangle over me, hiding me from sight...
Please...drag me down under the earth...and hide me. You can suffocate me if you want...let the dirt fill my lungs. It's better than...
I was a patch of brilliant white within the amber and dusty brown of the field. He found me within moments...
It's better than...
His hands grabbed my shoulders. He uncurled my body...and I couldn't struggle anymore...
It was a recurring dream for months after I escaped. But then my powers came back...and I learned them... I honed them. I had dreams of fire and dazzling electric balls, dreams of arching points of light...dreams of destroying bodies with but a blink of my eyes. I began to seek out the pool of Gold and Silver that my father had spoken of before he became evil. The pool he'd bathed in...the cause of ALL of this. I knew it was. And so, he left my dreams for long spans of times.
Until now...
My mission is still unaccomplished. I think he's telling me this... the father that I used to have...my REAL father.
'Casssar. You still haven't found the one responsible. You still haven't made him PAY.'
But I'm HAPPY here! It doesn't MATTER anymore!
Yes.
It.
Does.
Eyes were staring upwards...up, up up into the heavens of Robotropolian airspace.... smothered in smog. Smog that had been assaulted by wind, tearing gaps open, letting the stars sparkle through. A thin veil of smog had began to waft back over and the starlight was tinted red from the vile stuff. Red like a million of Robotnik's eyes glaring down at him. Snively's lips quirked into a mad half-smile. He was vaguely tempted to extend one long finger to the skies, giving ole Julian the long desired 'fuck off'.
But Snively didn't give a fuck about Julian anymore. He was reeling from words just spoken. Casssar had made a request of him. And this was stopping his heart, strangling him, ripping him apart, killing him. Julian's stupid fist couldn't compare to this sort of torment.
It was so cold...
Casssar's body was partially draped over him, she had her nose buried into his neck, like she was asleep...her fur was sodden with sweat. His back was afire from scrapes of claws. He was still dizzy.
She moaned softly into his neck.
So cold. He was still inside her...it seemed that was the only part of him that was warm anymore. Because the rest of her was so detached and far away...he couldn't believe it. His teeth were starting to chatter. His eyes were luminous with a sheen of moisture; it was reflecting the pinpoints of red above.
"Cast...It won't be for long..." She whispered, through another of those moans.
He turned his head away from her and stared off the edge of the balcony, where the city sprawled lazy and lifeless...so fucking DEAD! She was the only living thing here. She, with her dark stunning beauty, her way of moving in shadow...her voice of smoke, her eyes of jade... the most divine being he could ever dream to have...
Or have not.
The edge of the balcony had a treacherous drop. Just moments ago...he had been flying off it in most glorious fashion... they had been connected so entirely. They weren't even two people anymore. He had never had fantasies or dreams like that...and here it was... a REAL thing! His lip began to tremble severely and the moisture in his eyes was becoming a flash-flood. "Why?" The word huffed in a painful cough. "WHY? Why?"
"Snively..." She sat up, untangling herself from him.
Lost connection.
"I don't want to. But I have to."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want!" He cried out. His body was starting to shake... Gods...it was so as the hell he probably deserved. His naked flesh, still swathed in sweat and the other more divine moistures from her, was prickling with goosebumps.
She took his hands in hers and cradled them to her face, her head tilting away, her eyes closing. "It's something that must be done. I put it off...I didn't want to hurt you... this IS love...hurting myself to protect you... but I can't...I can't...HEAL like this... and you are healing...you're healing slow...we both have to HEAL, Snively."
His face was streaked wet. He wanted to roll off the balcony and die. He knew she was right. He knew she had to do it.
Oh Gods...this IS love. Hurting myself to let you go. Hurting myself to let you heal. Oh Gods...this IS LOVE.
"And when...it's over..." She was rubbing his hand over and over across her cheek and he thought she might be crying, but he couldn't tell in the dark. "When it's over... then we can both...be happy. Happy forever..."
"Ok..." He had to force the word out, like hacking up poison. "Ok, Casssar. You can...you...you can..."
"Thank you..." She whispered.
"...Oh Gods..." His voice broke then. One hand slipped from her and covered his face... he started to sob. She took him in her arms and he wept into the shelf of her collarbone, curling his small nude form against hers. "....but please...promise..."
"Anything..." she said.
"Promise..." he gulped, raising his head to stare at her. "To come back to me, Casssar."
He hadn't imagined it then. Casssar was crying, his beautiful strong Casssar had tears slipping down her cheeks. He brushed one finger against them in awe. Holy water. For some reason, it stopped his shuddering. His breathing smoothed out.
"I WILL come back," she swore. Her teeth bit into her lower lip...she drew blood.
She kissed him with scarlet lips, sealing a promise with blood. "I have you. And you have me...for always, Black Flower."
Snively fell asleep there in her arms. She swore by her life to never break this oath. Her bones and skin and soul would crumble away. She would never leave him. Her heart and body would wander far away. But he owned her soul...NO...he shared it. She had given herself to him; a gift borne of love.
Love.
He whimpered in his sleep, but he would endure. She would come back. She would come back and the demons haunting her dreams would be gone... he would be so happy for her... he wished nothing more for her.
Casssar had asked him, after the spent passion of love and lust, if she could leave Robotropolis. She had to complete her mission and find the one responsible for poisoning her father. It was the only way for her to heal. Instead of sweeping dirt under the rug and gleefully dancing upon the lumpy fabric, she would take up that rug and shake it out, shake it all out...and she would lay it down nice and smooth... and she would be COMPLETE at last...she would be redeemed...healed...and she would be worthy of him at last.
That was what she had said.
And he had agreed.
She would be gone in the blood red and neon orange of the morning.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the night my soul to keep
And let me die before I wake
To spare the pain of my heartbreak.
Doctor Quack spent his evening in a usual way. He leaned back in his chair with his feet propped on his worn ottoman, a good thick book nestled into his hands.
The clock ticked away minutes. He yawned and set down the volume, rubbing a hand over his weary eyes. His gaze wandered to the door of his bedroom, where the warm bed and soft covers awaited.
He stood, stretching briefly, his muscles slumping tired, pleasantly sleepy. But he had a deed to do before retiring. He always checked on the infirmary patients one last time. He drew on his white labcoat and over that an overcoat of thick wool.
Outside his breath curled away into the air. He huddled into the coat, humming, yawning again, hurrying to enter the nearby infirmary. He slipped a small flashlight from a labcoat pocket.
It was quiet inside. He heard the gentle breath of dreamers. Walking with a silent step, he strode through the main room. There were few people here, thank goodness. There was nothing worse than a roomful of people in distress...he had made it his life's work to keep people out of here!
The woman in the back room was his greatest concern. He could identify illness, prescribe appropriate medicines to cure, he could cut into a body and fix it within, he could do many things. But none of Doctor Quack's (nor any other doctor's) skills could figure out the mysteries of the coma. None of them knew how to break it.
"Bring the lost souls back," he mummered, the words coming unbidden to his beak. The wolf kid had said that. He wouldn't be surprised if she were right.
'Maybe I should add supernatural methods into my traditional ones,' he mused. 'I'm open-mined to such 'alternative' treatments.'
He chuckled softly as he considered this, entering Lupe's quarters. He played the flashlight upon the floors and meagerly decorated walls. Her many bouquets of flowers were slightly-wilted. And her bed was empty, the covers thrown aside haphazardly. The flashlight passed over all this and then jolted back to the bed, where it aimed quivering.
His bill gaped open. The Doctor sprang forward, fumbling at the covers, as if he expected the Wolf Chieftain to be hiding in there. Nothing! He spun around, nearly dropping the light in his agitation, flickering it frantically over the interior of the small sterile room...Nothing! Under the bed? No.
His breath caught in his throat, Quack rushed into the main room of the building, checking under beds and behind privacy curtains. Nobody woke and nowhere was the gray figure.
"Ok...Ok Horatio....calm down..." He drew in a few panting breaths. He tried to control himself, walking slowly back into Lupe's chambers, beholding the empty bed and the rumpled covers. They had been thrown aside. He studied them, trying to deduce if they'd been thrown aside by the sleeper or by someone beside the bed. He couldn't tell.
The panic was starting to escalate again. If she had woken, she would still be muddled...she could get hurt walking around. If she hadn't woken...
He gulped. He threw open the supply closet; it contained only supplies. The undersides of beds were empty, save for lone balls of dust. They floated away from him over the wooden floors.
Bring them back home...
Doctor Quack drew his overcoat shut and buttoned it. He left the infirmary quietly. When the door shut behind him, he ran.
The Wolf Pack had made their encampment in the woods near the training grounds of Knothole. Their tents of animal hide all lay in a circle around their own campfire. They all slept sound.
Nadie was the exception.
She fidgeted in her sleep, limbs twitching, her eyes darting back and forth under the lids. "Chieftain..." The word hung in the air, heard by none.
Chieftain, wake up.
"Please..." The child's voice came out in a moan. Her sleeping body rolled to one side, then the other. "Come home."
I know you're out there. You have to come home now.
Thunderhill was snoring in the tent next to Nadie's. He jolted awake at the sound of yelling and a cold flood of air as his tent flap was thrown open. "Who's there?" He tumbled out of the open flap, his arms flailing. One large hand contacted something and grabbed. It was the arm of Horatio Quack.
"Doctor?" The arm was released. His gruff tone was replaced by concern. From other tents, wolven faces peered, rubbing the sleep from their eyes. "What's wrong? Something's gone wrong with the Chieftain?"
Quack gasped for breath; running was not his forte. "Yes...no..." He huffed, "I don't know..."
"What in the High Garato's name does that mean?" Thunderhill's hand found the doc's arm again and shook it harshly. "If you've done anything to hurt her-"
"Has she died?" cried a female wolf, eyes round in fear. "Is she-"
"Shut up!" Thunderhill roared, whirling towards her with Quack still in his grasp. "Let him talk!"
"Please, calm down." Quack seemed to be heeding his own advice. His breathing was settling and his eyes had lost the sheen of panic. "She hasn't died. That I'm aware of, anyway... but she may be in danger. Now kindly unhand me!"
Thunderhill did as told. Wolves had exited the tent and gathered around the doctor, staring at him expectantly. In the sudden silence, they could hear Nadie's sleeping voice.
"Go to them...they can bring you home..."
Shine brighter for her...I don't know if she can see the way yet. Lupe, come home, follow my voice...
She CAN'T hear me!
A shiver went through Quack.
"Well?" Thunderhill demanded, his voice strangely hushed. "What's happened?"
"You can find it. You're so strong. You can't stay there. They need you. We all love you..."
Sally's voice broke. Lupe had been thrown into darkness with no choice. She had been lost, not by her own vocation.
Sally had been too weak. Too stupid and selfish, the structure of her soul riddled with holes. People had loved and needed her too. "I'm sorry," she choked. She had never apologized to them, either.
-Sally.- Cu's voice cut in, sharp as a knife. –You cannot think like that anymore.-
Sally was kneeling before the Source pool. She stared blurry-eyed up at the entity. Lupe's limb body was before her, the Chieftain's head in her lap...she was stroking her hair. "I can't do it. I can't bring her back...I'm not strong enough...I don't have any light to shine...I'm weak..."
She could imagine Lupe's eyes, how much contempt they would hold if they could see Sally now.
"She won't come to someone like me..."
-For good to exist, evil must too.-
Sally blinked, her tears falling cold onto the raven hair below. What a stupid comment. It didn't even make sense in this context. "So what?!"
-And so, for strength to exist, so must weakness. You ARE weak, Sally. But so, too, are you strong. It is up to YOU which way the scales tip... it is YOUR choices that balances things out. You are right. She will not come to someone overcome with weakness. –
Sally stared down at the still face. Still so beautiful, Lupe was. The princess was afraid. She had taken IVs from Lupe's arms....detached wires. The wolf could die... She could've unhooked something important. The Chieftain's chest was rising and falling...she could breathe on her own. But Sally was terrified she could be jeopardizing her life. "I could be killing her now..." She laughed shakily. "I'm good at killing, Snively said. Must be one of my strengths..."
Lupe didn't stir.
"I'm sorry..." She stood abruptly, dragging the wolf with her. "I shouldn't have tried this...so stupid..." She turned her streaming eyes on Cu. "My weaknesses OUTWEIGH my strengths...I don't have ANY choice in that... I can't do this. I have to get her back to her bed..."
-You had enough strength to come out here. To dare to try.-
There was no reply; Sally's mouth was twisted into a sob as she hoisted the wolf into her arms. Her eyes were dazzled as Cu suddenly glowed brighter...there was a strange shift, as if a warm breeze had blown through the air...
Sally was flooded with voices. It was Cu's doing, most likely, but the voices were from her own memories.
Kind of stupid of us to think we can fight Robotnik...
Sonic's voice...so loud and clear. They were eight. They had just failed a mission.
But they were still here – they had opposed Robotnik. They had saved lives.
Silly weak rodents. Robotnik's voice hissed, so full of hate and scorn. You can never defeat me. better for you to lay down now, why drag the suffering out so long?
She had believed him sometimes. She had been ready to surrender sometimes.
But she was still here...and he was dead.
You're the strongest one of us all. Geoffrey had faith in her, even when she loved another, even when he'd seen her weakness.
We care for her...we love her. Ya'll know that, right?
Bunnie. So sweet, accepting. She believed in Sally. She accepted Sally's weakness.
My daddy said life is what you make it...
Her own voice, echoing her father's words...
It's our duty. Everyone has a duty.
Why did everyone believe she was so strong? Sally put one hand to her head, nearly dropping Lupe. But she couldn't let the wolf fall. She let her head throb; she cradled both arms under the Chieftain, supporting her.
The voices had stopped and she was left alone in the silence. Cu did not speak...it watched. It would not judge her actions.
Sally turned back, the light of the Source blinding through her tears. She stepped once towards it. Twice. Three, four.
It hurt so much to carry on. It hurt to try...
Her boot entered the liquid, then her knees, and thighs. It hurt to fight. Didn't they see that?
It hurt to live.
But she did. She always did. That's what made her so strong.
She submerged, bringing Lupe with her...letting the Source cleanse them both, lifting the darkness away...all she could see was light, gold and silver, so beautiful... and she reached out with all her strength.
"COME HOME."
One last voice came to her ears.
"I am humbled before such strength. Sally."