My Heart Doth Wander

Chapter 27 : Better Man

You couldn't even bring yourself

To stay, oh no

You had to go spoil it all

I know you had to go.

Now I find these endlessly colorblind days

To fill

You never will.

Take this life, take it all

In your hands

You were mine, I could smile again.

And now I dream, you come to me

(come back to me)

And comfort me.

Now I dream.

"This Life" – Mandalay

From the mind of Snively Kintobar, steeped in sorrow.

My life is a series of events steeped in disappointment, hurt, horror and shame, so much that it becomes wearisome for me to account them all, and even more wearisome for a listener to hear. It all becomes too unbearable.

I was always so maddened by the lack of love from my father. His blame, and hate, it wore out my young soul. It shattered the parts that normal people have intact – those parts that can hope, love, and feel joy. I look back at that sometimes, and feel immense regret, but I know I would never had ended up differently, not with him as a father. If only I'd had a different dad, if only he'd died when I was young, before the damage could become permanent...if only...if only.

'If only's' are bullshit. There's no such thing as 'if only'. You can't go back in time. You can't change the past. Whoever came up with 'if only' should be skinned, because 'if only' is nothing but salt rubbed into raw wounds. 'If only' makes the soul blind... it traps it into the misery of the past...because you can never look beyond the 'if onlys' and see all the goodness that you CAN have, here in the present time!

So, this, yes, is one of my life's greatest sorrows.

The second it seems, is something everyone on this whole blasted planet knows, but what they don't know is the severity of it. The betrayal by my beloved Uncle Julian, the moment that transformed him from the man I admired into the man I feared, Robotnik. I could experience all the comprehendible sources of pain in this universe, and somehow, I don't think they could compare with the pain that he caused me. Julian is truly, one of the great sorrows of my life.

Casssar came along, and she made me see things beyond the if only's and the pain. She was so hurt within herself, but she still managed to give these things. She's everything my weak, bitter, cold soul needs... so I suppose in a sense I don't deserve her. But life is unfair, as Casssar stated. It will give comforts to a murderer, enslaver, cold-hearted son of a bitch.

But of course, this life is what has made me a murdering, enslaving, cold-hearted son of a bitch. So maybe I DO deserve her. In fact, yes, I DO.

She left in the morning, and after she was gone, I went back to sleep, in hopes perhaps, of waking up again and finding this was a dream, that she was still here.

I woke again in the afternoon and my crown of barbed wire flowers was lying on the nightstand next to me. I took it up and threw it across the room with all my might. It hit the wall and spun away under the bed. It represented emptiness now. How can I be a king without her? How can I really...be anything? I'm so afraid I'll revert back to what I was. A half-man. A muffled voice trapped inside a shell.

I went down to the kitchen, alone, always alone now, and took out a package of dehydrated food. I mixed it with water. The water was gray and had specks floating in it. Ever since the water refinery was damaged, the water has gotten worse and worse. I shouldn't be drinking it. It'll make me sick.

I don't really care. I poured myself a glass of coffee made with that same tainted water and ate this miserable lunch alone.

It's pretty funny. Hilarious, even. Life is such a kidder. I used to LOVE being alone. I craved it. Solitude became as sacred as air into the lungs; it was indeed a necessity for survival and sanity.

Now...

I called a SWATbot into the room and had it sit at the table with me, and I told it everything I was feeling. It stared back at me with its red slash glowing.

It made no motions to comfort or condemn me when tears overpowered my words.

Holy shit...I don't think I can do this.

I tried to keep myself amused throughout the day. A few hours later, I'm thinking I probably should've stayed in bed, because I'd be much better off sleeping than suffering from this monumental boredom and heartache.

If Casssar hadn't come along, and I still had defeated Robotnik...things would be different. I'd be skipping down the halls, singing, playing with his stupid chair, basking in the hot tub, and gleefully tampering with Julian's secret files. I'm free to do all those things now...but I don't care to. I guess I'm still in the grieving process.

This hurts so much.

I assigned more techbots and workers to clean up the refinery and repair the streets of West Robotropolis that were damaged during the ill-wrought massacre. I played a game of chess versus the mainframe computer, trying to immerse myself in strategy, but my attention kept straying and the computer won (it usually did anyway).

The balcony door was closed and I couldn't bear to look at it. That's the place we kissed and hugged...and...I shuddered...every nerve shivered to think of it. Her touches... the feel of her... the sounds... Even just the thought of it made my heart pound. Idly, I stroked one hand down my side and upon my lap; I could amuse myself with that sort of play for a while. But no. It's too lonely and desperate, and it would make me crave her touch even more.

I needed to get out of this room and away from that balcony door, its brushed metal maliciously catching the light, drawing my eyes to it. All the decadent memories were out there in the cold, knocking on my skull.

What the fuck. I always indulge in pain – don't I? Sally would stand here and tell me I wallow in it, and Casssar would spout her wisdom about throwing it out to rot in the garbage, forgotten. I can't do that though – a monumental task indeed, to clean all the trash and grime out of my mind. Even the strongest acid could not dissolve the filth, crusted as it is on the walls of my soul.

So I live with it, I push it aside – and sometimes, just sometimes...I jump waist deep into it and wallow. I drown in it. It's sick and hurtful, but at least it's mine.

So, I went over the door and opened it. It's late afternoon but I hardly could tell. Miles of gray stretched out before me, the sky and city blending into one.

This lonely expanse, all its spires and streets, all the trapped souls, all the taint of Julian, the smog sky, the poison bay...it's all mine. No – mine and Casssar's.

She had brought with her the crown I had made. I almost wished she hadn't – that way she'd have a reason to come back. Ha. My dark queen wasn't interested in this kingdom. She didn't care about the power or the fight.

I leaned over the railing as far as I dared. I had a vision of the railing breaking and me plummeting, down, down, down. I knew what would happen then. I would be a splattered red mess on the streets so far below. But my mind didn't play out that scenario. It pictured instead, the sight of me falling forever, hurtling past windows and lights, and darkness...into a limbo. A place with no relief. A hellish fall into nothing. Sounded like my life with Julian all those years. Forever falling, but never dying....or never even landing at all.

The railing didn't break. The robots repairs were sound.

There was a slight twinge of disappointment.

In a limbo, at least you don't feel pain. There's no end, but there's no pain. It's a numbness in every bone, every feeling frozen. Including love. Stupid, silly, senseless love.

'I will return to you, my love, my flower.'

Yeah. Sure you will.

You took your crown and you're never coming back. You'll never find your father. You'll never come back. Fuck, Casssar, don't you see? People like us don't recover. We don't heal. We're too shattered for the pieces to ever fit back together right.

'We can be happy.'

And why couldn't we be happy as we are? We should spite Julian and your father by forgetting them...we should make happy memories that will overpower the memories of them. They're winning, don't you see? Your father is winning because he isn't allowing you to stay here with me...

Oh, silly stupid lovesick Snively. I leaned farther out over the railing, so that my tiptoes strained... and one foot came off the ground. I could swing myself right over. The fall might seem to take forever, but it would be only seconds. There wouldn't be any limbo – that's just a product of my imagination. I would be dead, plain and simple, simply dead.

But what if she did come back...?

A half smile curved my mouth and I propped my elbow on the railing, my chin in hand. The cold air was making my ears tingle. Sally's right...I AM good at wallowing. Sickeningly, freakishly good. But strangely, I don't have enough bitterness in me right now to believe my half-assed thoughts.

'We can't heal.' That thought is along the line of 'if only.' Complete bunk. Because I have healed. Not all the way...no probably never...but enough.

'She's not coming back.' I know that's not true. Self-pity is another skin for me. I have to roll and scratch to shed this. I turned my arm over and pulled up the sleeve. A scar bourn of Julian is there. I could split my skin along that scar and start peeling it back. Because self-pity isn't the skin I want anymore.

Because Cass IS coming back. She loves me.

I drifted back inside, thoroughly chilled. Down long hallways I went, and sank my cold toes into something to warm me. The hot tub. It was big – made for Julian. I could practically swim in the thing. My head leaned back on the plush rest, and the jets were turned on low – a gentle massage. I closed my eyes and this morning floated back...

We slept in my bed, the both of us, all cuddled into each other. It was the first time we'd ever slept in the same place...and I wished it hadn't been the last. It was so nice to wake up to her face...the heat of her. It made a deep part of me ache...such beauty, love...so grateful, so wrapped in adoration. It made everything worth it...all the previous pain in my life had led up to this moment of pure lazy bliss.

It made it almost worth it, anyway. It was going to be over in a few hour's time.

"Not over, Cast. Just a brief hiatus."

'Castdecass.' – of the blue eyes. If blue equated sadness, then I imagine my eyes were the bluest they'd ever been. But it wasn't all sadness in there. It was more bittersweet...or maybe just bitter. Maybe I was seething in resentment.

But dammit, no, I DO not resent her!

Casssar has always been really good at hurting me. She has this uncanny ability to find the most sensitive nerve and dig her claws into it. Not unlike Julian, but yet, so very unlike. I always forgave her.

Think pleasant thoughts. Come on...

She shared herself with me again this morning. How stupid of me, the way I'd resisted her advances so many times. Having her was the best thing in this pathetic universe...the closest to freedom without dying, total joy with no repercussions. No 'too good to be true' here.

"I regret it too," Casssar said. "But better to have you completely, Black Flower. It would not have been as sweet with your mind elsewhere." Her breath was warm and moist in my ear.

When she came back, I wouldn't be preoccupied. I would give her – and only her – my rapt attention. This city can fall into shambles – I don't care. Or maybe I do...it is OUR kingdom after all.

I sank down further into the frothy water, until it touched my chin. The heat was making my muscles slack, my eyelids droop. I yawned. If I fell asleep in here, would I slip down and drown, or suffocate on the thickening steam? Ah well...at least I would die warm.

'Something to warm you...'

I lifted two fingers, dripping water, to press them into my lower lip...I could feel her kiss there, oh yes, all over my body...every place her lips had laid – like round burning brands.

My thoughts returned to this morning. After basking in our 'bodily pleasures' (even now I chuckled softly at the remembrance) we lay tangled and lazy for an hour or more. Then we went down to the kitchen and ate our last dehydrated meal together.

"So where are you going to start?" I cut my egg, watching the yolk ooze out into a thick yellow puddle. "Do you have any leads?"

"No."

"Cass!" I set down the fork, glaring down at the over-crisp bacon. If she was assured in this task of healing, then for goodness sakes, I had hoped she would know where to start.

"I'll go straight to the Source." She smirked at the pun.

Crunch A piece of bacon fell victim to my teeth. I ground into it rather spitefully. If I could have presented her a feast, maybe she would stay.

Bah. Stupid wild thoughts.

"Is that going to work?"

"I'll ask it for the location of the pool near my house...my childhood home... I'll go to it...it will still hold energy from my father and the one who corrupted the pool. It may still be corrupted."

"What if they're both dead?"

"Then my journey will be over." She smiled wryly. "I will fly upon the wind to come back home..."

Leaves. Falling leaves, carried on the breeze. The tall grass near the stream had been riddled with them. It was late fall, and soon the wind would be bringing something harsh and stinging: snow.

It was rare here, but out there? It gathered in waist-deep piles. It froze over the lakes. Sticks and twigs coated in ice, tinkled like wind chimes before shattering. Eyes were blinded by glare off white rolling fields... toes froze inside boots.

She didn't even wear boots.

She didn't wear anything.

"Winter's coming." There was a tremor in my voice, one last desperate hope to hold her here. "It's going to be cold...there won't be any food."

She eyed me over her coffee cup, then lowered them to the steaming liquid. There was an apology there and my heart sank.

"Do you remember the ice storm a few years ago?"

I nodded mutely.

"I was out in that...I was out in every winter for...for nearly as long as you've been alive, Cast. Twenty four years."

"But, it would be easier in the spring, wouldn't it?"

Crunch

"It doesn't matter what season it is."

Chewchewchew The crispy bacon was mush in my mouth, transferring from cheek to cheek. It was making me ill, but I couldn't swallow. Finally, painfully, I gulped it down, my eyes watering.

"If you were to find they were dead and you came straight home...how long would that take?"

Her sharp white teeth bit into a slice of bacon. It split in half and part of it fell back on her plate. "I don't know."

"Where was your home?" Fuck, I was afraid to know. The Great Unknown, the Endless Plains, Downunda, Nimbus Island?

"The north side of the Great Valley."

That was near Overlander Territory. "That's far away..." I was whining, clutching my hand to my temple. Then an idea struck me. "I know, I'll come with you! We can get there by hovercraft in no time!"

She shook her head. "You must take care of your city."

"Our city," I muttered.

"I have to go alone," she said. "It's...something I have to do alone."

Something about Casssar renders me unable to hold up my facades. Maybe it's the heat of her that melts my icy exterior...the one so carefully crafted under the reign of Julian. His coldness only further froze it in place. With her, the ice breaks and feelings bubble through the cracks. It's scary sometimes...to be this split open.

Tears welled in my eyes. Absurd; I don't think I've cried this much during my entire time with Julian...not these kind of tears. I knew she was right...I understood. But knowing and accepting are two different things.

"All right..." I gave in, reluctantly, a whine still edging my voice.

She reached across the table. I reached for her too eagerly, nearly upsetting my coffee cup. We clutched and I felt sudden comfort. It was most likely her mind-tricking magic, but perhaps it was her hands, so strong and solid...so very reassuring all on their own.

Her brow furrowed in thought. "Black Flower...remember when you spoke of Christ-a-mas?"

"Yes."

"When does that happen?"

I was silent, calculating for a moment. Mobian years were slightly shorter than Earth's. I came upon the answer and gave it to her. "Why do you want to know that?"

"To set a date," she smiled. "I will come back, whether my mission is complete or not...I will come back then and be with you for a time."

I jolted upright in my chair, like a child about to open his presents on that aforementioned day. The defunct Earthen holiday wasn't that far off. "You'll come back to stay?"

"We'll see...it depends on...how this all goes." Her hand clutched tighter. "Keep it strong in your heart and mind, Cast...I WILL come back to stay...I will never abandon you."

I won't abandon you either. I will not resent, harbor bitterness...I will not despair. I will believe you, Casssar.

"Cass..." I was hesitant to appear too clingy and desperate, because she was being strong. "I can give you a comm. Device...so you can contact me, every now and then."

She sipped her coffee for such a long time I was afraid she was giving a silent 'no', or worse, ignoring me. The cup was set down upon the metal table with a muted clang.

"I promise, I won't call you all the time," I blurted, horrified I'd driven her away with my neediness...how pathetic and... "I'll let you call me, I swear, I won't-"

She nodded.

"They're not heavy," I was continuing. "If you're worried about that, I could give you a wrist-watch comm.."


She squeezed my hand hard, her teeth glinting in a smile, shaking her head in amusement. "That sounds fine, Cast!"

I turned my head, staring beyond the rim of the hot tub to the sink counter. My comm. Watch sat there, silent. It was excruciatingly hard to resist calling her. I stared at the device, channeling my desire into it, just to hear one breath...one hissing smoke-filled word. It sat there, silent, maddeningly silent. I looked away.

Fingers pressed hard into my lips...it burned...I ran the other hand over my body, all over...over every lingering kiss. Mmmm...I sighed. I thought before that a little 'pleasure play' was too desperate, but now? Casssar wouldn't want me to deny myself. I chuckled aloud, burying my chin into the froth, cheeks flushed. Casssar always found my modesty regarding sensuality amusing. But I was learning from her...to learn to enjoy those kind of pleasures. Simple and carnal...yet so much a part of life.

A kiss, on my neck...behind the ear...down the chest...on each wrists, where her teeth had pricked like a vampire for blood.

"Black Flower..." I heard her in my ears, softly whispering. "Here's something to warm you...to keep you warm while I'm away..."

...kisses down the stomach...and down the spine...oh Gods...and kisses all along the length – I let out a blissful sigh. Her mouth had been warm. No, it was scalding, it would keep me warm long after she came back. It wouldn't fade.

"You know, Cass," I spoke aloud to the steamy room. "You've given me so much...and even if you were never to return..."

She gave feelings not felt in such a long time, some never felt at all. That's irreplaceable. Invaluable.

I climbed out of the tub. My body was weak and my legs spilled me onto the tiled floor. I pushed my cheek to it, splayed my hands across it. My body was weak, but my mind was very very strong.

"Cass...you're healing...you're becoming a better person. You're doing it for us."

I grinned. "Can't let you have all the fun, now can I?"

I closed my eyes. So weak...so sleepy...I'll rest for a while...

"Seriously, Casssar. I'll work hard too. For you. For you AND me. I'll..."

My mind was drifting away. I vowed before I fell completely: "I'll become a better man. For you."