Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. I also don't own the bit of the song at the beginning or the story title--they are both Lindsay Lohan's. Brilliant lyricist, she is. cough Hey, look, it's 2005!
Talky-talky: I was on drugs. This is not a good way to start the new year, with this story that I abhor. Is it possible for me to ever like anything I post when I initially write it? Plus, seriously, shortest story I've EVER written. It was driving me insane, so I deleted the last two paragraphs and wrote a new ending. Anyway, unless you like it, don't review. My low self-esteem can't take it. Thanks.
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye.
I tip-toed into this relationship. I was beyond skeptical; I felt suspicious. Questioning everything, wondering what every move meant. Testing the waters, slowly placing my heart of glass in his hands. Not that I would ever show this side of me--it just wasn't a Manny Santos thing to do, to care about anyone's feelings, or to act like love really matters. Somehow, people seem to forget, everything that I was before grade nine. Like dressing the way I did meant I suddenly realized my only desire is to... I don't know, go down on guys in vans, or steal boyfriends. The truth is I never gave up on love. I won't lie--it felt good to be surrounded by flocks of guys who all found me hot and were vying for my attention, but after a couple weeks of Sully, I realized it just wasn't where my heart was. I needed to be in love. And I guess, if acting or dressing the way I do helps, then, so be it. But when I finally saw my heart there in his hands, without my help or support, I basked in the warmth. I flopped back onto my bed carelessly, taking this for all it was worth. My first real experience in love, not part of some stupid love triangle or built on some needy whim for something stable after a few hard months. Just pure, melt-in-each-other's-arms, fairy tale love.
But somewhere along the line, something went wrong. I listened to him. I kissed him, I hugged him, I loved him. Worst of all, I believed him.
Spinner Mason broke his promise.
And I know he didn't do it directly. It wasn't like he was seeing some girl behind my back, or anything so deliberate. But he thought we could still be together. There was no way, because when I saw him in the hallway, that day after he admitted what he did, I couldn't even bear to look him in the eye. And that was how he did it, how he broke his promise. I still loved him, but I couldn't be with him. It hurt more than any scenario I could think of, to be reminded constantly of the love at my fingertips. I could just see his hand taking my heart and carelessly letting it slip to the floor, letting it crash into a million pieces that could never be put back together. But the betrayal. I'd be lying if I said I knew Jimmy well, but his dreams were ruined. Whenever I see him, trying to wheel his way through the crowded hallways, my heart cracks just a little bit more. Spinner did this to him. If not for Spinner, Rick never would've done this. Any of this. Degrassi wouldn't have to have the permanent branding of the school with the shooting. But despite it all, all of his faults and every stupid thing he's done recently, I think I still love him, as silly as that is.
I love him because he can turn my day around more than anyone else. He's never trying to be someone he's not. He'd just listen to me sometimes. Just sitting in his car with the radio playing some silly love song. And with my feet up on the dashboard, reclining in the passenger's side seat, I'd just talk on and on about all the drama, about nothing. I'd hold his hand a lot, or he'd hold mine, and it made me feel so innocent again, like I'd never been touched before. Like I was something new and beautiful for him to discover, and we would last so long, we didn't need to rush into anything. Eventually, every time I went off on a tangent, it led back to how much I loved him. And he'd glance over with one of those goofy grins and tell me he loved me, too. I never got down off that high--such a straightforward, uncomplicated kind of love that sent tiny sparks up and down my spine.
I hugged my pillow tighter and swallowed the lump forming in my throat. I couldn't cry. There was nothing to cry about. There was nothing I could control. He was already gone, I was already over it. I was Manny Santos, single and looking once more. There was already another boy out there, another relationship to jump blindly into. I was over it already. Tomorrow, I would wake up and slide into my clothes, then swagger through the hallways of Degrassi, ready to begin anew.
Ready to find my next high.
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Haha. All for you, KT! Love.