Stalker! Letters From a Bighead
Chapter 2: Lily
Written by: Manchot du Destin (the penguin)
Disclaimer: neither pinky nor the penguin owns the story or any of the characters. Sorry.
........................................Ms Lily Marie Evans...........................................
To: James Potter
From: Lily Evans
Date: July 30, 1977
Dear Mr. Potter,
Thank you ever so kindly for writing to me and informing me of all your simply charming escapades. But please. Leave me alone. I don't want to hear about you hexing harmless passersby, sneaking into Knockturn Alley, or even, believe it or not, exploding cauldrons. As for my life, it is wholly none of your business. Suffice it to say that I, unlike you, will be finishing my homework before boarding the Hogwarts Express. And when I get together with my friends, people don't run for cover.
Head boy? Really? Well that's—surprising. Quite an accomplishment for someone who has never been seen cracking open a book. Honestly, Potter, not all books bite. And yes, I am head girl. As such, I would have to insist that you be responsible, keep up good grades, and act in a professional manner around me. We want to make Hogwarts look good. That means no pranks, no constant flirting with me, and acting mature. You have to set a good example for the younger students; they'll be looking up to you, goodness forbid.
Please inform Sirius Black that if he carries out any of his "plans" I will personally see to it that he gets his share of detentions. And if he's anywhere near as 'charming' as you are, I'm sure Mel will run as fast as she can in the other direction. (I doubt your dung bomb plan will work. If it was possible to knock sense into Black, it would have happened long ago.)
And tell Remus hello.
I won't even bother telling you that if you don't study and fail all your NEWTs, you'll ruin all your chances of becoming an auror. Even though it's true. Really, Potter, I'd love for you to deflate your head, but ruining your future is hardly the way to go about it.
I wouldn't worry about your mother embarrassing you, Potter, you do quite well enough on your own. Your mother is so sweet, I sometimes wonder if you're really related at all.
I will ignore the ridiculous post script. But Potter, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times: leave me alone. Please. I don't like you, Potter, you are an arrogant prat in every way. So please. Give up and leave me alone. (And yes, if you ask me about Christmas break again, I will describe your death for you in great detail, and with astounding imagery.)
Sincerely,
Lily Marie Evans
PS: You will address me by my last name Mr. Potter. Only friends have the privilege of calling me Lily.
PPS: Please change your footer, it's not considered polite to lie.
................................Independent and Proud Of It.....................................................
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
.....................................Lily Marie Evans...................................................
To: Mrs. Potter
From: Lily Evans
Date: July 26, 1977
Mrs. Potter!
Hello! I haven't heard from you in ages! Thanks so much for asking, I've been having a wonderful summer. Did you hear? I've been made head girl! I could hardly open my letter, I was so nervous, and I could hardly believe it when I saw the badge. I really think I can help make a difference at Hogwarts this year, you know? Make things better for everyone. I can hardly wait.
My parents are well, they're so supportive of having a witch in the family. And they're so proud of me; they make me want to smile until I up and glow. Petunia's on cloud nine, herself. Her boyfriend asked her to marry him the other day. For the first time since I got my letter, she's really included me in her life again, and I can't help but love the change.
Wow, thank you so much for the invitation. I'm XXXXX—sorry about the cross out there. I'd love to come visit you, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I mean, well, I'd love to. I suppose we'll get in touch about the details when we get closer to the time. And thank you again for opening your home up like this, you're such an amazing mother, and I'm just eternally sorry you have to deal with James all summer. Sorry, just kidding, really.
James's footer was based off of something I said? Oh wow, I wonder what.
Thanks again!
Love from,
Lily
PS: I love the footer. Can I borrow some of that stationary some time?
.....................................Independent and Proud Of It.....................................