Mei's fingers dashed from key to key on the piano as if she'd learned to play yesterday. When was the last time she played? Three years ago? Four? It was fascinating how her hands could retrace the memories so quickly. Yet, it didn't feel like she'd ever played this song before.

She obviously had, but… this felt so fresh. Mei flowed on, playing the song how she'd memorized it, then her heart jolted in excitement at a peak in the rhythm. Now, slow. Her heart went light from the sudden shifts in pace.

Wow. For those brief moments, Mei relished in the fascination of how a mere song could push and pull on her emotions like that. She'd always appreciated music as an art, but never found a song that could really move her. Was that what happened just now? Why? A finger slipped and hit the wrong key. Mei grimaced and set her focus back onto the notes.

Going back to the beginning of the song, she played eagerly and perfectly, waiting for that part of the song to come again. The pace built, and Mei played the through the frantic peak and went onto the slow pace and…

Nothing. No racing heartbeat, no excitement, no delight. It was just a sound. Mei's fingers slipped off the keys and onto her lap. She'd felt something. But, why? Why were they always so fleeting? That wasn't how life was supposed to work. When you practice, you get better. Everything else in her life had proved that. Between all her studies, the student council, and every extracurricular she'd worked on. She could figure out what worked and repeat attempts until she'd mastered it. Everything except emotion.

They just kept sliding into her heart for a moment, and then slipping away and failing to come back when she tried again. She remembered all kinds of fluttering feelings on her dates with Yuzu. A heartwarming feeling at helping Yuzu bond with a cat, the adrenaline at playing with an overly excitable dog with Yuzu, the heart filling pride at Yuzu enjoying their diary so much, teasing Yuzu at the pool… She could remember all the these distinctly but recalling them wasn't bringing any of the feelings back, as if they'd flown away in the wind.

Mei put her hands back to the piano and played an extremely simple and slow tune, meant for beginners. She had a girlfriend that had done so much for her and shared so many great moments with her. Shouldn't she have an uncontrollable smile from thinking about it? Why am I like this? How is everyone else able to hold onto their feelings and embrace them so easily?

It was so much easier when she'd lived without having to worry about this. Back when she'd had a clearly defined path, one made by her family. The comfort of a choiceless road… no, she couldn't ever return to that. She had to find her own purpose, and Yuzu had convinced her that she could. Because there was a burning passion somewhere deep down inside her…

But what was the point of knowing that!? Mei quickened her pace on the beginner's song, giving it a blunt feeling that didn't suit it at all. What was the point of knowing that she had just as much of a heart as everyone else, if she couldn't embrace the feelings in it. It was like reaching through a hole in a fence to grab something on the other side but only being able to touch it with your fingernails.

So close, but useless.

I guess that's it, isn't it? She'd spent five years burying her heart. She couldn't pull that passion out anymore. It was too far, buried too deep. The only way to reach it was… the help of a second hand.

Vmmn-Vmmn. Her phone vibrating in her pocket. She stopped playing, pulled her phone out immediately, and lit up from seeing that it was a text from Yuzu.

'Hey, Mei!' Yuzu's text read. "I know you said you wanted to play alone at that piano booth for most of the day, but, idk, you looked kinda sad this morning… I just wanted to check on you, and tell you that, if you want, you're welcome to join us for lunch, and even come shopping with us if you want! No pressure though! Do what will make you happiest! I care about you, Mei! UwU'

Mei stared at the text for way too long, extremely relieved to be alone so that she could smile freely.

I need you, Yuzu. I'm sorry, but I can't be strong on my own like you said I could.

'Do what will make you happiest.' Whenever Mei was separated from Yuzu, she felt the coldness slip back around her. Not even thinking about her or reliving the memories kept it at bay. Then one text warmed her back up. She needed to go be with her to feel something again. Or else it would just slip away as always.

'I was just finishing up. I'll be right there,' Mei typed.

Mei turned the street corner and looked up to her destination. She was supposed to be meeting Yuzu and Taniguchi, but only the brunette was there, leaning against the building and scrolling through her phone. Mei looked around, expecting Yuzu to be running back from somewhere, probably having been distracted by something she thought looked cool. Not a single blonde bouncy girl in sight.

Taniguchi turned her head, noticing her. "Yo," she said, the energy in her voice that she always had with Yuzu noticeably absent. "You coming?"

Mei stayed locked in place, the winter wind discomforting. "Where's Yuzu?" Mei asked, not meeting eyes.

"You didn't get her messages?"

Mei awkwardly fumbled her phone out of her coat pocket. Her cold fingers slid through her phone, showing a barrage of texts from Yuzu. It was a mess but explained that Mom had called her back to the apartment to help set up some new furniture. She… also said she didn't want to ruin Mei's day out and encouraged her to stay with Taniguchi. What the hell? Why couldn't Mom have asked both of them for help?

Mei looked up at Taniguchi who was still scrolling on her phone. It was obvious that neither Mei nor Taniguchi cared to go out together… but…

Mei sighed and started walking, Taniguchi staying on her phone but walking up beside her. Yuzu should've understood that Mei had no interest in spending time with this girl. Such an airhead as always. But there was a weird feeling driving Mei forward in this moment that she couldn't fully rationalize. Yuzu thought it was a good idea, so… I'll just roll with it for now.

"So where do you want to go?" Taniguchi asked as they walked through the winter streets, still looking at her phone.

"Wherever. You can decide."

A pause of silence.

"Is there," Taniguchi started saying slowly, "a place you normally go? Like a default choice when you're having a hard time deciding?"

Why keep making this about me? I already said I didn't care! "I don't make a habit of shopping merely for the sake of it for things I don't need. So, no."

Taniguchi gave her a short glance and then put away her phone. "Right…" she said. The awkward discomfort was practically radiating off of both of them.

Taniguchi turned toward a nearby mall, and Mei followed. "Let's just go here," Taniguchi said, "to get out of the cold."

The two made their way in, the warmth of the building enveloping them. Mei untensed her body, the heat a very sudden comfort.

"Wanna go get something warm to eat or drink?" Taniguchi asked from beside her. Mei met her eyes.

"Oh, you're cold?" Mei asked.

Taniguchi raised an eyebrow and let out a brief chuckle. "Me? No, I asked 'cause you look like you're dying of hypothermia."

Mei felt her cheeks flush. "I'm fine," she said flatly.

"Yeah, of course you are," Taniguchi said with a smile. "Well, let's check out a jewelry shop. I've been wanting a new necklace that matches some of my new clothes."

Mei followed beside her. She needly jewelry that specifically matched certain clothing? Wasn't it enough to have something pretty? These frivolous girls constantly wasting money on having every single type of accessory in every single style and every single color–

Mei's eye caught on something in the distance. It was a fairly simple plain hoodie. But it had the coloring pattern of a panda with ears on top… She imagined herself putting it on. Was that material really cozy? Would Yuzu think it was cute?

It went out of view as they continued walking. Mei set her eyes back to the floor. It was just a hoodie. No big deal.

A few minutes later, they reached the jewelry store. Mei stayed a short distance beside Taniguchi as the girl browsed. Mei didn't bother looking up at the displays. There was no way she would buy anything here. She already had jewelry at home to wear only on special occasions.

"Ouh!" Taniguchi gawked at a something in a display case. Mei turned her head to see. "Now, that'll match perfectly!"

It was an overly extravagant necklace, definitely Taniguchi's style. The chain was a silvery color, with large hanging beads that were a very vibrant orange. No subtlety at all. Mei would rather get a necklace with a thinner chain and single small jewel at the bottom. Well, she'd rather not get anything.

"What? You don't like it?" Taniguchi asked.

Mei looked up at her. "Huh? You're asking me?"

"Duh. You're giving it that cold stare as if it was an exam that I flopped."

Mei looked away. "Yes. If someone turned that in to me for a jewelry making test, I'd fail them."

Taniguchi's hands fell to her hips. "Oh really? I didn't know you were so knowledgeable on the art of jewelry, Miss President. By all means, what here would get an A?"

Mei sighed. "I don't actually care, okay? Get it if you like it."

"Thanks for the permission, Prez," she said sarcastically and then went to the clerk to make the purchase.

Mei left the store, discomforted by the conversation. She sat down on the bench right outside to wait. It wasn't like she disliked Taniguchi… They just butted heads because they were so different. It would be great to get along better with one of Yuzu's friends, but that just wasn't realistically possible.

As the minutes went on, Mei started wondering what was taking that girl so long. When Taniguchi came out, Mei looked up to see her holding a bag that clearly had more than one item in it. Mei stood up from the bench and stared condescendingly at the bag.

Taniguchi smiled and rubbed the back of her head. "Yeah," she said. "The longer I spent in there, the more things that caught my eye. See, there was deal on a pair of really cute earrings, and there was this bracelet, and… well, you probably wouldn't get it, Prez."

The two started walking off in no particular direction. "Well, if you got something you really like, it's none of my business."

Taniguchi pulled the box with earrings out of the bag and kept inspecting it from different angles. "Eh, I don't know. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. Come on! Help me out! Do you think these are pretty?"

Mei stopped in her tracks, dumbfounded at the fickleness in this girl. Yuzu was just as chaotic, but there was a confidence to her chaos. But Taniguchi…

Taniguchi offered the box to Mei, and she took it, inspecting the earrings. What am I even supposed to be looking for? They're just normal earrings. Mei looked up at Taniguchi. She was smiling nervously, awaiting some kind of reply.

"They're kind of pretty, I guess," Mei said, not knowing what else to say about something that she didn't feel any particular way about. She looked back at the earrings. They really were quite simple, not fitting what she'd have expected of Taniguchi. Spur of the moment decision, huh? That wasn't a wise way to deal with important things like money. One should be careful with their decisions, following a specific planned-out path, and having the discipline to not diverge from it.

"Kind of pretty? Ya gotta have more of an opinion than that! Are you even a girl?"

Mei bristled at that. "You're the one who didn't have a solid opinion! That's why you asked for mine!"

Taniguchi groaned in what sounded like a joking tone. "You just don't get what it's like, being a girl! Getting a feeling, then it slipping away and changing the next minute. Wanting all kinds of really cute clothing 'cause you're just in a mood for something totally different every day. I swear, you got it easy. Just naturally being all certain of everything and knowing what you want. Doing what you want without the excitement of it slipping away so randomly–huh?"

Completely unable to control it, Mei just started laughing. A light weak chuckle that just kind of came out. "Sorry," Mei said as her laugh died down. "You just said something really funny."

Taniguchi stared at her in confusion as Mei saw her in a whole new, clear light.

Her feelings are just as slippery and hard to grasp as mine. Is what I've been going though actually really normal? Something everyone struggles with? Can I figure this out?

"Taniguchi?" Mei asked. "Do you not get discouraged by elusive feelings? What if you wear those earrings once and then never again because it turned out you didn't like them?"

Taniguchi looked up, thinking about it. "Hm? I don't see the problem."

How can you not? "It's a waste! I mean, what was the point?"

Taniguchi kept her head up, still thinking. "The point? To be happy? Oh, man, I'm no good with deep conversations like this…"

Mei pressed on. "How does chasing feelings that you know will slip away make you happy?"

Taniguchi scratched her head. "Geez, I feel like I'm being lectured here. Honestly, I just don't get what the alternative would be. Just not trying to have fun? Just assuming that one specific thing will make you happy, trying it, and then giving up and being all mopey if it doesn't work? I guess… I just grab those bits of happiness, then before it wears off, find the next bit to grab onto. Um, sorry if the earring purchase was stupid…"

Mei blushed in a wave relief. Taniguchi just assumed that she got all serious about whether the earring purchase was a smart financial decision. She didn't need Taniguchi reading into her emotional confusion.

The two walk off again, and an awkward silence hung over them again. But this time, Mei felt especially ashamed. She'd been so determined to understand Taniguchi that she spoke so bluntly.

"I'm sorry," Mei said before she could talk herself out of it. "I know I'm not exactly a fun person for you to go shopping with." All Taniguchi really cared about was trying her best to have fun and be happy… and here Mei was… bothering her because of her inability to do the same.

"Don't worry about it," Taniguchi said with such a genuine voice. "Really. I mean, you're right. I'm not gonna lie, I don't think you're all that fun of a gal. I mean come on, we don't need to stress out and get all deep over some earrings. But yanno what, Mei? It doesn't matter. 'Cause we're friends."

The entire chatter throughout the mall seemed to muffle. Mei and Taniguchi kept walking without a destination… as friends?

"You see me as a friend?" Mei asked, the concept making no sense. Taniguchi just admitted that she didn't enjoy having Mei around.

"Sure," Taniguchi replied as if it weren't a surprising thing to say. "Why not?"

The question is 'why?'

I swear to god, everything about this girl is so nonchalant! She doesn't plan out how she spends her money, doesn't worry about whether she'll like the things she buys long-term, names someone a friend for no reason…

She's been treating me as a friend ever since I arrived. Trying to get my opinion on where to go, what to do, what I like. Trying to involve me because that's what a friend should do.

Himeko…

Mei's stomach tightened. Some thoughts brought feelings of pain, the feelings she wanted to slip away. That was how she'd avoided despair in the years without her father. No need to worry about Himeko… She's probably fine…

NO! Desperately, Mei held onto the sickening feeling in her gut that came with thinking about Himeko. The crushing guilt that she'd not spent any time or effort into reconnecting with her best friend when she could have so easily. The self-hatred that she'd carelessly hurt someone so dear. I refuse to let this pain slip away. I need to embrace it.

Mei turned around and walked off in the opposite direction. "I have to go, Harumi. Thank you for treating me like a friend. And thank you for trying to explain to me your way of handling your emotions."

Mei worked her way toward the exit of the mall, her fists clutched tightly in her jacket pockets. Of course her emotions were so fleeting. It was a convenient way to avoid pain. But she couldn't have it both ways. If she continued to live like that, she'd never find a way to hold onto happiness.

Mei's eyes caught on something in the distance. There it was again, that panda hoodie. That kind of cute panda hoodie.

'I just grab those bits of happiness, then find the next to grab.'

Harumi thought in a completely different way than Mei. Mei micromanaged all of her choices, trying to live life in a specific way, a singular defined path. Trying to find happiness by finding the one correct way to do it. Harumi didn't worry about any of that, just going with the flow of her elusive feelings.

Still holding onto the sickening feeling in her gut, having no idea what was the right or wrong way to live, she decided right there to just do the exact opposite of what she normally would have.

She didn't think a slightly cute panda hoodie would make her feel that much better. It was just a piece of clothing. Even if she liked it, it wasn't going to solve all her worries.

She bought it anyways.

Finally at Himeko's house and ringing the doorbell, Mei realized she felt a lot better inside. Her stomach felt heavy, but she didn't feel sick anymore. She hadn't let the feelings of guilt from thinking about Himeko slip away but coming here made those thoughts less painful. Though, now her heart pounded in worry.

The door opened and Mei stood face to face with Himeko's mother.

Mei bowed low. "I'm sorry for coming without notice. Can I see Hime?"

Waving off the apology as unnecessary, Himeko's mother invited her inside and pointed her towards Himeko's room. She'd assumed that Mei didn't even remember where Himeko's room was because she hadn't been here in so long. Mei hung her jacket, slipped off her shoes, and hurried to her friend with a bag in hand.

Mei burst through Himeko's bedroom door and felt a wave of embarrassment. Oh, god. Why'd I do that?

Himeko turned her head around from the desk she was sitting at.

"Sorry!" Mei blurted out. "For bursting in without knocking like that!" Mei bowed and held out the bag in her hands. "I got you a gift, Hime! Please accept it!"

"Gosh, Mei," Himeko said, as she got up and closed the door behind Mei. "What's got you so riled up? I've never seen you like–"

"Take it!" Mei said, shoving the bag into Himeko's arms.

"Okay, okay!" Himeko said, taking the bag and walking it over to her bed. They both sat down on the bed, the bag between them. Mei watched eagerly as Himeko pulled out the hoodie and outstretched it in front of them.

Himeko just looked to Mei and raised an eyebrow.

Mei slammed both her palms down on the bed and gaped at her. "You don't like it?"

Himeko set the hoodie on her lap. "Um, I don't not like it. I'm just confused. What's the occasion? Or, is the panda supposed to represent something about me?"

Mei smiled at the sight of Himeko's pondering expression. "No need to overthink it. I just saw it, thought it looked cute, and figured I'd get my best friend a gift. No big deal." Yeah. It wasn't a big deal. It was a random fleeting feeling that she'd reached out and grasped. Nothing wrong with enjoying it for the brief moments that it'd last.

Himeko returned a confused but genuine smile and lifted the hoodie over her head and snugged it on. Then, wondering how silly Himeko would look with the bear ears, Mei reached forward and pulled Himeko's hood up.

"Uh-wah!" Himeko hollered in surprise at Mei's sudden motion.

"Sorry, Hime… You're cute, but I don't think teddy-bear ears suit you."

Himeko stared up at Mei and then a giggle exploded out of her. As if it were contagious, Mei did the same. It went on far longer than she should've been comfortable with. She just went on giggling like a silly little girl and not feeling a single bit of embarrassment over it.

A thought popped into her head. A thought she wanted to swat away because of how silly and stupid it was. Instead, she held onto that spur of the moment feeling and ran with it.

"Wanna have a pillow fight?" Mei asked. "We've never done that before!"

Himeko's eyes went wide. "W-what? Mei, what's gotten into you?"

Mei grabbed a pillow off the bed and Himeko flinched back. Mei chuckled and just held the pillow on her lap. She started to speak, the words spilling out as if directly out of her heart. "I've spent so much of my life letting all my feelings slip away. Because ever since my father left, living like that was the easiest way of dealing with the pain. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I've lost so much time, so many years not truly living. The past couple of weeks, I tried doing it by latching onto one specific feeling and hoping that it'd be enough. Expecting all my worries to fade away and all my passions to come flooding back by exploring that one new thing that I liked. Gosh, I'm an idiot."

Her feelings for Yuzu were a start. She needed that to realize that she could feel passion again. But she was becoming so dependent on Yuzu because she'd assumed that she had to make a single path to happiness. No, happiness was spread out on many paths. She had to explore all those roads to feel truly fulfilled, to follow her dreams. Whether it be a sudden urge to have some fun with a friend she hadn't spent time with in a while, to buy something cute, try a new hobby, become friends with a girl she had so little in common with, or… anything! That was how she'd blaze her own trail. I finally understand, dad. I know how to do it!

"I want to do things I've never done before!" Mei continued, eyes locked with Himeko. "Not worrying about whether it's a good plan for becoming happy. So what if it doesn't work or if it's fleeting? I'll just embrace the next feeling that comes my way! You with me, Hime?"

Himeko smiled through her obviously confused face. "I don't really get it… But I've never seen you this excited… I'm with you!"

Without hesitating, Mei whacked Himeko in the face with her pillow. Himeko shrieked and fell back on the bed. "Mei: One. Hime: Zero," Mei said with a grin.

Himeko snatched up her own pillow, returning Mei's grin, and Mei held hers in defense.

Yeah, she wanted to scream at herself for how silly she was acting right now. But she was just playing with her best friend. No big deal, and so much fun.