Author's Note: Thanks to all those who are still reading this story! I'm very happy to know there's still some interest, and that interest has helped me very much in staying motivated to get through the last 200 chapters. And I'm even more pleased that you all have seemed open, receptive to and excited by some of the larger twists I've incorporated. I will still be continuing this story indefinitely- though there may be some reorganisation coming. That said, I will be posting weekly or twice weekly for the next little while, as I am also writing an original novel for NaNoWriMo which is taking a good bit of my writing time. Rest assured, I've got several chapters banked coming to you over the next few weeks. Hope you enjoy!

PS- If there are ever issues with this site, this story is also posted on AO3 and Wattpad. Please don't hesitate to follow me there too.

Chapter 201

After Jess got back from his walk, he came back to Truncheon, and headed up the stairs to the apartment. He knocked on the door cautiously.

"Come in," he heard Rory say in a muffled tone. Jess opened the door to find Rory bundled up in a bunch of blankets on the couch.

"Hey," she said quietly. He walked over to her.

"Hey. Can I sit?" he asked gently, gesturing to the couch. After a pause, she nodded. He sat down beside her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. After a little longer, Rory turned to Jess cautiously.

"I'm…sorry."

"You don't have to be."

"I am though. I'm just…also not totally back to normal yet. But I didn't handle this right." Jess nodded.

"Want to try again?"

"Try would be the operative word," Rory sighed, getting up and turning on the coffee machine, "I'm not in a position to give my best. I'm kind of exhausted and feel pretty overwhelmed. I can try to do better, though."

"Maybe we keep it pretty high level for tonight. And if there's anything to dig deeper into, we can deal with that at a later time, if you want. How does that sound?"

"Eminently logical," Rory nodded, pouring them each a mug of coffee and handing Jess his. She sat back down next to him on the couch in their living room. "This is hard for a couple reasons. One is figuring out how I actually feel and why I'm feeling that way is hard. The next one is figuring out how to communicate that to another human. And the third is figuring out how to do so without unintentionally or defensively being an ass."

"Well, I should probably tell you I talked to your mom, to avoid the latter happening again."

"Just now?" Rory asked, surprised.

"Yeah. I got the sense from our talk that you guys didn't have a great chat earlier, and I didn't really have any idea what you were trying to get at when we started talking. I figured she might be able to fill in some of the blanks. You can be mad at me if you want."

"I'm not. I don't think," Rory said, taking another long sip of coffee, "…I was pretty short with her."

"She said she hung up on you."

"Short is putting it nicely. I was petty."

"You don't have to…"

"She accused me of running away when things got real, and big, even if they're good. And I reminded her where I learned that."

"…I'm guessing she didn't find that reminder helpful."

"To be fair, it's probably hard to when it's leveled as a defensive barb."

"I'm sorry it got there."

"Me too, and I'll fix that with her later. But, even if it's an ugly thing to say, there's some truth to it."

"That you do it, or that she does?"

"Yes."

"Guess all the Gilmore traits can't be fantastic."

"Even we have our limitations."

"…so do you think that's what's happening?"

"I'm not actually running this time, I don't think. I'm not going anywhere," Rory said, clearly thinking deeply about the question Jess was posing to her. "But emotionally? Yeah. It's just…very real. And there's been a lot of real lately. We've kind of had a front row seat to some of the less pleasant consequences of real and big."

"Paris and Lane?"

"Yeah," Rory nodded, "This weekend…it was good to see Paris. But I never want to be in a marriage like that, or have kids in a siutation like that. I mean, I'm so glad she had Simone, and she's never been happier. But it's crazy how she and Doyle are together now. It's like they're living separate and sometimes opposed lives out of the same central location, not like they're part of a family that they're building together. And that's not even to get started on Lane."

"Yeah, I didn't feel too good about that one myself," Jess admitted. Rory nodded.

"It's great that he came back, and that you guys were able to get him back. At least it's not another stressor on Lane while all this is happening with her mom. But still, she's just pushing and pushing day by day, in survival mode, basically resigned to the idea that her own life is over, that her independent wants and desires and hopes and dreams are off the table, and that she exists to care for her mom and her kids and keep it together, in spite of Zack being…"

"Zack."

"To say the least."

"And that's putting it mildly," Rory said, the anger apparent in her tone, "And they are both fantastic women. Each of them is better than me in their own ways."

"You know I have to point out that I disagree with you there."

"…I appreciate it, but you know what I mean," Rory said. Jess nodded. Rory continued. "Paris is brilliant, strong, confident, fearless…and Lane is so kind, giving, creative, original."

"All the adjectives," Jess joked. Rory narrowed her eyes, but he could tell it was good-spirited. "Sorry, go on."

"What I'm saying is they both deserved such better outcomes than they got. And I look at what we have…neither of them expected it would end up the way it has. They didn't see this coming, either of them. What we have looks amazing. But every single thing I've looked at that has gone sideways, where I've said, 'Oh god, that's the last thing I'd ever want'…the people in it didn't think it would go that way. And you can't guarantee things won't fall apart, you know?"

Jess nodded slowly, finally having a much better sense of what was going on in Rory's head. Which tended to be helpful.

"Hey, as much as I might lack the extensive romantic history with those types of dynamic, I definitely get it. From other life areas," Jess said pointedly. Rory nodded. He continued, "And you know that I haven't always chosen to take the risk in those situations. Everyone gets to make those choices for themselves. I'm not gonna bullshit you and say there's not a risk. There is. Things do change and happen unexpectedly, people grow and evolve, sometimes together and sometimes apart. I do think that we know each other a little better than either of them knew their partners, and I happen to think both Zack and Doyle are pretty disappointing men, as far as men go. I don't have the highest self esteem, but I'm pretty sure that even if we ended up in a less than ideal situation, you wouldn't find yourself essentially single-parenting in a marriage. No offense intended…that was pretty blunt," Jess admitted. Rory sighed.

"No, you're right," Rory said, "I just..hadn't thought of it that way before. And that's pretty true. And I'm pretty damn sure I know that I wouldn't have that outcome doing all of these…possible…things with you. But it happened to them, it happened to my mom…it's scary to see it happen again and again, you know? And even if I trust you, I have to trust me too. We both know that pretty often, between the two of us, I'm the one responsible for imploding things. Just because it wasn't Paris and Lane in their situations doesn't mean it wouldn't be me in ours." Rory looked down, her eyes brimming with tears. The last pieces of the puzzle clicked into place for Jess.

Rory wasn't afraid he would mess this up for them. She was afraid that she would. That things would go sideways, they'd start something and end up in a world of pain, but that it would be her fault and not his. With this new understanding, Jess reached out and took her hand gently. Rory looked up at him.

"It wouldn't be."

"You don't know that."

"We can't know anything for sure. But I don't think that's going to happen. And I guess that since we can't know anything for sure, the best thing we can do is decide what to do with the information we have, and decide what risks are worth taking. To me, it's absolutely worth the risk to do these things with you. Once and if we both decide we're ready," he hastily corrected. Rory nodded, meeting his eyes again.

"…it is to me too. I just…I don't want to hurt you again. It's hard enough to handle the way I decimated things last time around. And I'm still figuring out what I want building my own family to look like. With you…I want it more than I really ever thought I would. But it's still something I'm wrapping my head around."

"There's no rush. As you pointed out earlier, we've only been dating a couple months."

"Technically."

"Technically. There's no rush. We can take it a step at a time, as we feel ready. I'm not trying to rush into anything either. We'll be thoughtful, and do things when they feel right. And I'm pretty sure the next step isn't marriage or kids quite yet."

"…no, but…maybe there's a next step we could consider. That's smaller, but that we might be ready for."

"…okay," Jess replied, curious. Rory continued.

"We could start looking for a new place. Together. And properly move in our stuff," Rory offered, a little bit of question in her voice as she looked back at Jess, "If you want to. And think we're ready."

"…do you?"

"I do."

"…me too."