"Adia" lyrics by Sarah McLachlan; SVU peoples by Dick Wolf

"Adia I do believe I failed you

Adia I know I let you down

Don't you know I tried so hard

To love you in my way"

I knew working Special Victims cases wouldn't be easy, but I had in no way anticipated how hard it would be. I can remember my first case with them, wanting to impress the squad so badly, and failing so miserably. I don't know what's worse sometimes, my childhood or the inadequacies it caused. It seems my mental escape that saved me was also the catalyst for my myriad of adult faults, mainly my lack of social skills. I know I have a tendency to come on too strongly, to show that I can handle my shit. I do it because I just want to prove to myself that I am a big girl now, and even if I can't help my mother, I can help myself. Instead, I just end up making myself look pretentious and condescending. And to make matters worse, I can't seem to let my self-imposed prison walls down long enough for anyone to figure out what's going on.

"Adia I'm empty since you left me

Try to find a way to carry on

I search myself and everyone

To see where we went wrong

'Cause there's no one left to finger

There's no one here to blame

There's no one left to talk to honey"

I think back to Olivia storming into my office at the end of that first trial, angry with me for pushing that little girl too hard. She knew I was upset, but she didn't know the exact reasons. Oh, how I wanted to tell her. In my mind that little girl was me; I wanted so badly to hurt my step-father at that age, and I carried it over to that little girl. I wanted her to put her bad guy away so she wouldn't spend the rest of her life carrying this burden around. Instead, I probably made her guilt worse.

I was crying on that couch, analyzing my actions, when Olivia came in. I wanted to open up to her, to purge myself of the fear that I would not be able to work with young victims, that I would not be able to separate myself and my past from them. But I didn't know her any more than she knew me. Actually all I knew of her was that she, in fact, did not seem to like me very much. I knew opening up about my fears would most likely be kindling to stoke her flame. So, instead, I soaked up the little sympathy she offered and tried to hold myself together.

"Adia I thought that we could make it

But I know I can't change the way you feel

I leave you with your misery

A friend who won't betray

I pull you from your tower

I take away your pain

I show you all the beauty you possess"

I still agonize over my mother's plight incessantly. And the sad part is, after working with this squad, I see people like her every day. Some want help, and some don't. I have no inkling why this last group of women willingly put up with physical, mental, emotional torture; but I have learned that no one can help them until they want it. So, I wallow in my self-imposed guilt, guilt that I know I shouldn't be carrying around. Perhaps part of me is ashamed my own mother is one of those women the squad and I look at with eyes wide with shock and amazement. Perhaps I feel guilty that I try to hide this from everyone. It is easy to do if you don't let anyone in. I hide in myself, inside my prison of shame, and push everyone away. Little do they know the smirks, the attitude, the brazenness are all defense mechanisms to keep anyone from learning my dirty little secret. I don't even want to imagine what would happen if the SVU Unit discovered their own ADA couldn't even prosecute her own mother's abuser. They doubt my skills enough as is. Though lonely, living alone seems a far better choice to me than living my life with my abilities constantly questioned over such a personal issue.