Trying a crack-fic! I will be using the word stove, but I mean the combi-thing with also an oven. But that was too long to write and I do not know if it has a name on its own. Thank you Cioup for beta-ing. Enjoy!

It was another peaceful morning on the Moby Dick. The commanders all enjoying their morning cup of coffee, or hot chocolate for Ace, in the mess-hall before starting the day.

"Sh*t, c'mon, c'mon, aaaaahhhh you stupid annoying frea- LEAVE ME BE, I AM TRYING YOU NITWIT!"

For Moby Dick standards, the very first sentence of this story shall remain the same. The yelling, cursing and crashing sounds emerging from the kitchen did not raise any alarm under those eating. As long as there was no smoke, it was all good. And even then, 9 out of 10 times it would somehow be Ace setting something on fire, and as a coincidence it would be said persons fault and was responsible himself, no need to bother.

Taking a sip of his drink Jozu decided to bring the topic to the table, they didn't really have anything else to talk about anyway "So. Who is Thatch cursing to hell and back in the kitchen?"

"Maybe it's part of the process?" was the instant reply he got, which was followed by a sigh at the same speed. A sigh that sounded so practiced as if it was needed every 5 minutes.

"Ace-yoi... Since when is cursing a part of making soufflés?" Normally Marco wasn't that interested in the menu, he would just eat whatever, but Thatch promised to make him some with pineapple paste, so that changes things.

"… Maybe it adds some spice?"

"…."

"You guys are all so boring! Can't you at least laugh, it was a joke, I know it doesn't add spice!"

'… As if it was a joke... The actual joke is that the 2nd commander's cheeks are now pinker than the strawberry jam on the breakfast table.' Of course no one voiced this thought. They didn't want to replace the table, again. Fire really isn't the best thing to have when being on a ship made of wood, especially not if said fire is control of a hothead...

"F*CKING HELL, IF ONE OF YOU SAYS SOMETHING STUPID AGAIN, I WILL USE YOUR HEAD AS A LIGHTER"

"I didn't know you were in the kitchen Ace-dear" Izou so gracefully mentioned, hiding half his face behind his fan.

"Pffffff, nice one Iz"

"... And you all laugh about that… It wasn't even a good joke..."

Patting the fire user on the head, Marco put on a, obviously fake, pitying tone "There there, it's okay-yoi. Here, have another sandwich."

"Thank you, you're the only one who's nice to me." Ignoring the snort he got as an answer, Ace took the sandwich and ate it with a pout.
The chaos of curses and clashes of steel and whatever still echoing in the background.

-20 min later-

"Sons, I can't believe I have to ask, but can anyone please go and check on Thatch."

"… Do we have to?"

"Yes."

Feeling a lot of stares at him, Ace stopped eating his umpteenth sandwich to look at the table, "...Why is everyone looking at me?"

"You're his best friend" - "You can represent us all."
"Potāto potäto everyone, the chef asked for a lighter head before, so that's clearly Ace."

The fire-user wiped away a fake tear and sniffled at the table ganging up on him, "You guys are mean."

"Hahaha, c'mon Ace, I'll go with you-yoi"

Smiling brightly Ace was instantly standing besides Marco who had somehow already gotten up without anyone noticing, "Look, this is what the perfect boyfriend looks like", he hugged Marco's side to accentuate his words, "Thankksssss, love youuu Birdy!"

"Love you too firefly. Now let's go before bread-head does something stupid."

Once arriving in the kitchen, the commanders stumbled upon a scene not often found in this place, it could only be described as 'a mess'. In the centre of it was a cursing Thatch, crouching in front of his stove. A few other cooks were also lingering around, seeming afraid to approach the head-chef. Noticing the others their arrival they all turned to them with pleading eyes to do something.

Which is exactly why they came in the first place, so they walked towards the cursing man on the ground.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, bloody hell, this thing I will –"

"Everything okay-yoi?"

"Does everything look okay to you!?"

Raising his arms to show he means now harm, "Wow Thatch, calm down, we're just coming to check up on you."

With a sigh the chef sat down on the floor and wiped some stray pompadour-strands away, "I know, I'm sorry, aah sh*t, it's just, this stupid thing doesn't want to work." he says while pointing at the source of his frustrations, a stove.

"Dude, just use another one, there are like at least 10 next to it." Ace said with a tone that highly suggested the chef went crazy.

"... You really think I would be sitting here if I could 'just use another one'?"

"Maybe your pompadour got to heavy and you had to rest for a minute?"

"YOU LITTLE -"

"Alright-yoi, that's enough. Why can't you use the other ones?"

Releasing Ace from his chokehold, Thatch turned to the only other person taking this seriously, probably because his pineapple soufflés are on the line... "Because this is essentially the starter-unit of them all. They all work separate, yes, but the gas for all of them passes through this one first. And so, this one has a safety mechanism and emergency setting that can turn off all the others if something's wrong with the supply. Ffor some reason it keeps activating, making it so I can't use this one, but it also cuts off all the others from their gas, as well as their power, so they can't even be turned on. I already checked everything but I see nothing wrong! Aaaaaaaah, I should have started lunch and dinner prep a whole hour ago!"

"...That sucks."

"Gee, thanks turkey, you fixed the whole problem."

"Ehm"

"What is it Ace, I can't make you a snack now."

"No… Ehm, maybe I can be the stove?"

-I knew this kid was an airhead sometimes, but there really should be a limit.- "Ace, I know we always say you can be whatever you want when you grow up, but this is a little…"

"For once I have to agree with Thatch-yoi, we will support you in whatever you wish to do, but a stove has a somewhat different build then humans."

Without a word Ace slowly raises his hand and lights it on fire.

"ACE! No fire in the kitchen, how many times do I need to repeat myself! I do NOT need another take on hells kitchen!"

Ace just raises his eyebrows at the chef while keeping his hand on fire.

"Yoi, that's actually smart."

With a little bow Ace thanks his boyfriend.

"Huh what?"

"He can be your stove-yoi."

Thatch quickly pulls Marco aside, pushing his head down to whisper in his ear while also peeking back and forth between Ace and Marco, "Brooo, I know you have some favouritism over fire boy, but you can't give him false hope for the impossible, that's just cruel man."

"No-yoi, you don't get it. Look at him again, he CAN literally be your stove."

The chef looks the kid over once more, him still having his hand on fire, looking at him as if he were an idiot, "...I don't see how I can put my soufflés in him."

"Thatch... That right there, that's your living heat source to whatever temperature you may desire. And yes, maybe you can't put soufflés in him," -And besides, I'm the only one allowed to put 'things' into him, thank you very much.- "but right there, with an unlimited supply of fire power, is your ready to use cooking place."

"Huh, but I can't… AHHHHHHH"

Finally extinguishing his hand, "He got it?"

"He got it-yoi"

"ACE, I COULD KISS YOU!"

Taking a quick step back the fire user put his hands up, "I like you man, but please don't."

"Fine. Marco, kiss your boyfriend for me"

"Much better 3"

"Alright then, Ace, I am using you for the next…. 8 hours."

"8 hours!?"

"Yea, how fast do you think cooking for 600 people goes. And while we're at it, I'll also do the prep for tomorrow, in case that this can't be fixed by then."

"I… What about my work."

"I'll have the other commanders take over-yoi. They didn't want to come here, so they don't get a say."

"Alright, thanks Mar-"

"ALRIGHT ACE, STRIP"

"Strip?... Thatch, I told you that I am not into you, I'm with Marco."

Ace received an instant whack to his head, "You idiot, if someone can't see you're with the turkey, then they're blind. But seriously, I can't balance my pans and pots on your pants, so strip."

As a reaction to the insistence on stripping, Ace for some reason covered his chest as if he was shy about being uncovered. "Noooo, you have my whole back to cook on, you don't need that extra spac- KYAAAAA-"

At the commanders-table

KYAAAAAAAA-

"Oh…. Wel…." - "I didn't hear anything." - "Me neither..."

"…You guys are bad brothers..."

"Oyaji, what are you saying? We're the best brothers on earth. Just... not yet at this time of day." - "Indeed, at least got to have finished 3 coffees before dealing with any of this." This received various nods of approval from around the table.

"Well then-yoi. You'll have enough time for all those coffees while you're all working on Ace's tasks and paperwork."

"Wha, Marco, whyyy!" - "When did you even get here!"

Ignoring the second reaction, they didn't need to know his tricks, "Because, Ace is going to be 'the lighter-head' for Thatch all day."

"Then you do it, you made the deal!" - "YEA!"

The first commander just raises an eyebrow at the table's reaction, "I did indeed make the deal. I signed all of you up as lovely candidates to help another commander since you all didn't want to check on Thatch yourselves."

"You can't do that!"

"I can't? If I remember correctly, I was to be the representative of this table-yoi. Thus, I made this deal in the name of all of you. So please be sure to go by the second division on your way out to ask for a list of tasks."

"Wha... but... no..."

"Yes-yoi."

"Oyaji?"

"I declare Marco's reasons valid."

"No! You just like him best!" - "This is favouritism!"

"That's beside the point now."

"You're not even going to deny it?!"

Whitebeard just put down his tankard and got up to leave to mess-hall.
"I want Ace's paper work ready by dinner, then, Good day everyone."

Together with Marco, they made their way out, ignoring all of his commanders yelling behind him.
"YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE!" - "POPS, COME BACK HERE!" - "WHY DON'T YOU MAKE MARCO HELP?!"

Once Marco had gone outside, and Whitebeard was also already halfway through the door, he turned around with a smirk and simply said two words before going on about his day, "Captains orders."

"…"

PART 2 in Chapter 3 !

I am trying different things in writing. This time I used some long parts of conversation with no additions of who it was, or what their specific body languages was. I tried to keep it clear but I do not know how well I succeeded. + for the commanders I mostly didn't add people so everyone can imagine a commander they think fits with what's said.
So, did this bother anyone? Did it seem normal or was it difficult to read? Did u keep losing who was speaking, …? Please let me know!

If anyone has any ideas of their own for situations,… feel free to let me know! I can't promise anything, but if inspirations hits, I may be able to make a little one-shot for it.