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35 Millimeters III: Fisheye Lens
By Lady Aishiteru
Chapter Two: We're Not Really Engaged, You Know
I was sitting cross-legged in the middle of my living room when I heard the doorbell ring. I raised my eyebrow, uncrossed my legs, stood up and walked over to the front entrance of my condominium to see who the interloper was that dared to interrupt my meditation hour. I was a little surprised to see Jadeite standing outside of my door with his right arm raised to knock, his left arm clutching a bouquet of roses and his left foot tapping impatiently against the stained wood porch.
I was fully prepared to ask him what the hell he was doing here when I caught a glimpse of my watch; it was precisely seven-thirty pm. I smacked my forehead; I had completely forgotten that it was already time for our first date. "Why on earth does he have to be so punctual anyways?" I thought, hastily brushing off the tight, form fitting aerobic attire that I was wearing. Pasting on a smile, I walked leisurely over to the front door, as if I actually meant to go out to God Knows Where in my workout clothes. "Hey," I uttered breezily.
Jadeite raised a trimmed blond eyebrow at my outfit. "Nice clothes," he said, grinning. "Anyways, I bought these for you," he finished, holding out the bouquet.
"Thanks," I said, taking the bouquet. "I'll find a vase to put these in." I closed the door slowly, but after the door was shut, I ran around the condo like a bat out of Hell. I wasn't about to leave the apartment in a midriff-bearing florescent green and black striped halter-top, matching black yoga pants and pair of battered white socks that each sported a toe-sized hole in the front. Racing around the bedroom, I managed to locate a sleek pair of jeans, a crimson peasant blouse, a pair of chunky leather shoes and my favorite bottle of perfume. I placed a few squirts of perfume onto the pulse points of my neck and wrists, hastily put on some mascara and blush, combed my hair, and then ran to the front door where Jadeite was wearing the most puzzled expression on his face.
"What?" I asked, stepping over the threshold.
"If you needed more time to get ready, you could have let me in," pointed out Jadeite in an injured tone.
"And why would I have done that? Gaining entrance into a lady's residence is a second or third date kind of thing," I retorted in a matter-of-fact tone.
"Says who?" he asked, opening the passenger side door.
"Says me," I replied as I raised my foot to get into the car.
"Sorry I asked," Jadeite said in a resigned tone as he turned the key in the ignition. I sighed aloud; it was going to be a long night. "Anyways, I always let the lady choose the first date. Where are we going?" asked Jadeite, who sounded more than ready to change the subject.
Looking down at my no-nonsense pants, I twiddled my thumbs and thought about it. "I was thinking we could go to The Bug Jar," I finished, looking up.
"The Bug Jar? Sounds…interesting," Jadeite said, putting the car into drive. "And where exactly would we find this Bug Jar?"
I smiled, only too happy to provide directions. When we got there, I was grinning from ear to ear. "That'll teach him to make fun of my fitness gear," I thought, still smiling as he opened the passenger side door. I was still slightly miffed about his comment on my fitness gear, so I was glad that I had mentioned the best place in town where someone who was as dressed to the nines as Jadeite stick out like a sore thumb. After all, it wasn't my fault that he hadn't changed from his work clothes; he was wearing an Armani suit.
Arm in arm, we walked in and my senses were immediately assaulted by an awful combination of secondhand smoke and terrible lighting. A group of hand holding lesbians were glaring at Jadeite in full force from one corner, and an assortment of people who were pierced in places I didn't even want to think about occupied another. A pair of throbbing speakers flanked a frenetic, thrashing heavy metal band, and directly below the stage was a group of people who were dancing to a terrible sound that can only be described as noise. I frowned to myself; I was expecting to hear a folk singing group or something. Maybe I should have actually visited The Bug Jar in person instead of taking Minako's word for it.
"Wow, this is great, Rei! I had no idea that you were a heavy metal fan!" yelled Jadeite.
"What?" I yelled back.
"I didn't know that you liked this music!" yelled Jadeite. "This is the best Metallica tribute band I've ever heard!"
I groaned, but it was no use. There was no way that any sound below ninety decibels could be heard anywhere in the near vicinity. "Do you want to dance?" asked Jadeite.
"What?" I yelled back, unable to hear him.
"Do you want to dance?" Jadeite yelled.
"Okay!" I screamed, a bit frustrated. Not only had my scheme to make Jadeite pay for insulting my crappy exercise gear blown up in my face, but I also had to pretend to enjoy myself. I gave my feet a halfhearted shuffle as he clapped his hands and jerked his head like a mosh pit regular. I was tempted to laugh at the ridiculous union of his polished looks and his rendition of an air guitar. Despite the occasional strange look from the other dancers, Jadeite genuinely seemed to be having a good time.
"I love this song!" cried Jadeite as the band switched to another brand of noise.
"You'd love a bong?" I asked, regretting the question immediately.
"What?" asked Jadeite. "I can't hear you. You'll have to speak up!" he finished.
"I'll have to pee...cup? As in he wants me to pee in a cup? Why would he want a urine sample? And what does a bong have to do with anything? What kind of weird activities is this guy into?" I thought, arching my eyebrows. Whatever he was thinking, I wanted no part of it. "You're not my doctor, so I am not going to pee in a cup! Why on Earth do you want a bong?" I yelled, spacing each syllable at the pace any second-language speaking idiot could understand.
I smacked my forehead and stamped my foot. "This is ridiculous! I can't hear anything except this blasted noise!" I screamed, adding extra emphasis on the last word.
Everyone stopped dancing and glared at me. I smacked my forehead again, this time bringing my palm all the way down to my chin. It figured that the music stopped playing just then, it just plain figured. I clenched my fists; the Universe must be playing a horrible trick on me today. Sensing my humiliation, Jadeite gently asked if I wanted to leave. I nodded vigorously, more than eager to comply.
"Are you sure you want to go? You were having such a good time," I ended sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
"Well, it's not a good date unless both of us are having fun," said Jadeite, smiling. I nodded in reply; he had a point. "By the way, I'm don't, nor will I ever, own a bong, much less love one, and I never asked you to pee in a cup."
"Oh," I replied, my face flushing a brilliant shade of red. "Sorry about that."
"That's okay; the music was pretty loud. Speaking of which, why did you insist on coming here if you knew you'd hate it so much?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, a friend of mine swore that she heard a folk singer play here," I said, smiling sheepishly.
"Are you sure you're not thinking of The Beatle Jug?" asked Jadeite, holding out his arm in a goodwill gesture.
I linked arms with him and shook my head. "Well, she does get mixed up on things from time to time." I smiled, keeping in mind that it was Minako who had recommended The Bug Jar to me as a place having "a lovely sixties-styled cultural theme and lovely, lilting protest music." "Actually, she's pretty much mixed up on every day that ends with the letter 'y.'"
Jadeite laughed. "Sounds like a simple mistake. I'd be willing to write this one off if you are," he said, smiling a crooked grin. He unhooked his arm from mine and opened up the passenger side door.
"That's fine with me," I said, laughing as I shut the door. "Are you sure you want to be my fiancé?" I asked jokingly once we were both in the car. "I have a terminal case of bad karma."
Jadeite smirked and turned the key in the ignition. "I'm sure it's just dumb luck."
"I hope so," I returned with a good spirited grin of my own. "I was thinking I'd let you pick the next date just to be on the safe side," I added.
"Well, it couldn't hurt," he replied. There was a long pause where Jadeite just quietly stared at the road and gripped the wheel harder than usual. I gazed outside the passenger side window, looking at nothing in particular. "How do you feel about museums?" he asked, finally breaking up the tension that had crept into the car.
"What exhibit is in town?" I asked.
"They've got a whole wing of artifacts that just came in from Cairo," he said, loosening his grip on the steering wheel.
"Cairo, Egypt?" I asked, hoping to sound intelligent.
"Yeah. They're bringing in the sarcophagus of Pa-debehu-Aset," he said. "It's one of the finest anthropoids I've ever seen; but I'm a little biased."
"I'm sure," I said, barely understanding a word that he said.
"I mean, when most people think of ancient Egyptian sarcophagi, they think of young, trim Pharaohs like Tutankhamun. Pa-debehu-Aset wasn't even a Pharaoh," he said, using one hand to make frantic hand gestures. I nodded, my eyes glazing over. "Tutankhamun wasn't even a very good Pharaoh himself. There is some pretty reliable evidence out there that he may have even been mentally deficient."
"Is that so?" I asked, raising an eyebrow and stifling a yawn.
"Am I boring you?" he asked, easing the car into a parallel park.
I hesitated, wondering if I should choose honesty or flattery. Flattery would cause me to suffer through an entire night of "Pharaoh" this, and "pyramids" that, but honesty had the potential to make things even more awkward between us. Still, any relationship, even a fake one, was built on trust, and I would have to be spending a lot of time with Jadeite. The subject might come up again, and I would be forced to lie a second time, maybe even to the point of researching this whole Egyptian baloney past the point of tedium. Maybe there was some room in this for a compromise.
"We don't have to go the museum if you don't want to," responded Jadeite as if he knew the answer to his own question.
"That's okay; I'd love to go," I said, forcing a smile. "I may not be crazy about ancient Egypt, but I love the artworks of the Renaissance." Jadeite smiled and took the keys out of the ignition. I didn't know what relieved Jadeite more, the knowledge that he didn't have to give up a tour of his favorite ancient relics after all, or that I had told the truth. I concluded that it was probably a tie as the passenger side door opened, revealing Jadeite with his arm outstretched on the other side.
"May I escort you to the door?" asked Jadeite.
I smiled; he had done the same thing after the "engagement" dinner. I credited Jadeite with one thing; at the very least, he had good manners. "Sure," I replied, allowing him to help me out of the car even though I didn't need his assistance.
We arrived at the front door just when the journey to get there was becoming awkward. Jadeite held out his hand, and I extended mine, not certain what to expect. He smiled gently at my uncertainty, and then he gave my hand a vigorous shake. "Here's to six more months," quipped Jadeite.
"Don't remind me!" I groaned.
Jadeite released my hand and smiled in return. "I'll pick you up next Saturday at seven-thirty" I could hear his feet shifting by listening to the creaky floorboards of my front porch.
"That sounds great. Goodnight," I said, turning the key in my lock, shaking my head at myself. I hoped that I wouldn't ruin the next date, or that it wouldn't ruin itself. Maybe I'd get lucky and have a good time after all. "Anything's possible, right?" I thought.
My thoughts were rudely interrupted when I heard Jadeite say, "Goodnight, Rei. Sweet dreams." Still shaking, I clenched my fist, ready to give him a good talking to. How dare he scare me like that! I was going to give him a piece of my mind. Resolved, I whirled around, but by then he was already driving off. Mumbling about the injustice of the Universe, I stalked off to bed. It was going to be a long six months.