Hi Friends! I sort of gave myself whiplash after 6x04. I went to bed furious with Robert for all the dishonesty and woke up with quite a bit of empathy for him. As sometimes happens, I decided to channel my feelings into a fic. I hope you enjoy it!
The truth had come out, just as Robert knew it would. He wasn't naive; he had just hoped they would have a little more time to figure out what they were to each other before they had to confront the reality of what would happen, both personally and professionally, when their secret relationship became public knowledge.
In the end, it could have been worse. As the "senior officer," Ross had taken the bigger hit. After they had each been called before the Civil Service Commission, it became clear that no rules had been broken, and they were both allowed to keep their jobs and their titles. The phrase "appearance of impropriety," however, had been used several times, and the mayor made it clear to Natasha that when her contract was up in 3 years, it was not likely to be renewed.
Soon after, they decided to go their separate ways. They were both angry that somehow a lowlife like Dixon managed to bounce back from being arrested for fraud and extortion while they were being punished for a consensual relationship between two adults, but while Robert fumed about the unfairness of the world, Natasha had clearly begun to resent him, and it rapidly became clear that what started as a very promising relationship was not going to go anywhere.
Perhaps he shouldn't have been thinking about those injustices when he walked into the beanery at the station almost a week after the news had broken. Once again, no one acknowledge his presence, but he knew they saw him because all conversations ended as soon as he entered the room. Either they were gossiping, or they still hadn't forgiven him for the lies he had told in an attempt to keep his private life private. He poured himself a cup of coffee and planned to return to his bunk until lineup, but as he turned to walk away, his frustration got the best of him and he began to speak.
"All right," he began loudly, using a tone more appropriate for a captain, than a lieutenant speaking with his friends and colleagues.
"Enough with the rumors and the public shaming. I get it. I shouldn't have lied. But there was no way Ross and I could have had a public relationship that wouldn't have been the subject of innuendo and gossip."
He looked at Vic as he said that. When the situation with Maya's blackmail had come out, she was the one who had found the most joy in coming up with salacious possibilities for what had led to the tension between Beckett and Maya. He then looked around the room, making brief eye contact with each of the team, including Andy.
"While I don't owe you all an explanation, and I've already gone through this with the Civil Service Commission, I want the facts to be clear. Ross and I served in the Marines together almost 2 decades ago. She promoted me because she thought the original demotion was unfair, and she felt that I had proven my worth as a leader within the department in the time since. The promotion occurred before we began any sort of romantic relationship, and I tried to turn it down because I didn't want anyone to think I was using our prior friendship for professional gain."
"That being said. I'm done with being in the dog house with all of you. If you want to judge me for having a relationship with someone I worked with, you all need to consider your own track records. Sleeping with supervisors and co-workers seems to be the norm around here."
Robert didn't have to make eye contact with anyone as he said that. Every one of them, except for Ben, had had some version of a firehouse romance or hookup. The room remained quiet after that last comment, so Robert continued. He had one more thing he needed to say.
"We've all made mistakes. Done things and slept with people we probably shouldn't have, but for some reason, you all manage to forgive and forget with one another, yet I have never been extended that same privilege. You can lie, cheat and backstab, yet because you're all part of Pruitt's hand-picked family, all is forgiven. I make a mistake, and I'm given the cold shoulder for months. So, I'm done. I'll come, I'll do my job, and I'll do it well, but I'll draw the line when you want to talk about 'family,' you've made it abundantly clear that I'm not part of that family."
In his anger and hurt, he didn't consider how those last worst might affect Andy. She was the one, more than anyone, who considered 19 her home. As he finished, he glanced around the room, hoping he could make eye contact with her and somehow let her know that his words, while harsh, were not a personal attack. However, he only saw her back as she walked quickly out of the beanery.
Having said what he needed to say, Robert grabbed his coffee mug and began to head back to his bunk, leaving a speechless A shift in the beanery. However, as he walked away, he couldn't help but think about Andy. She deserved more than a public dressing down. He headed downstairs to the barn, where he was confident he would find her.
It only took a moment to locate her, sitting on the back bumper of the aid car, looking straight ahead. He knew that when she wanted to be alone with her thoughts, she would find a spot in the barn, and work through her feelings surrounded by the equipment that was probably more familiar to her than the furniture in her apartment.
She heard his footsteps echoing in the cavernous space, his long purposeful strides making his presence known. She didn't need to glance up to confirm his identity, and as soon as she knew he was within earshot, she began to say what was on her mind.
"You're free to do what you want to destroy your personal life and your professional future, but when it was just you and me in the beanery, you looked me in the eye and you lied," Andy began, not giving him a moment to explain or even apologize.
"You could have changed the subject, told me it was none of my business, or just refused to answer the question, but you didn't. You lied, and when I said I didn't believe you, you lied again. And I know I made many mistakes in our relationship and I have to live with that, but I never once lied to you."
As she finished, she looked up at him from where she was sitting, and Robert could see the betrayal in her eyes. He was hurting too, but she was right, he had messed up by lying to her, and he owed her an explanation.
"Yep, I lied, and you deserved better. I guess I just got so caught up in trying to protect our relationship that I forgot that I could trust you to have my back," Robert began.
"May I?" he asked, gesturing to the spot on the back of the aid car next to Andy.
She responded with a slight nod, and Robert accepted that as her approval.
They sat in silence for a moment each not knowing what to say next. Robert thought about all the reflection he had done over the last week. He wanted to give some context to his relationship with Natasha, so Andy wouldn't think it was just some rebound fling, or an attempt to revisit the past. However, it would make him vulnerable with Andy in a way he hadn't been in a long time, perhaps since the day he stood in the doorway to her bunk and she called him out on promoting Maya over her.
"Andy," he began slowly. "After we separated, where did you sleep for all those months before you got your own place?"
"I was with Maya and Carina for a while, and then Jack, Michelle for a bit, and even Travis and Vic," Andy answered honestly, but a bit hesitantly, not knowing where the line of questioning was going.
"Do you know how many people checked on me? Asked me how I was doing? Offered to buy me a cup of coffee?" Robert asked.
Andy didn't answer, but by the pained look in her eyes, Robert could tell she knew the answer. He knew he could stop talking there. He had made his point, but somehow he also needed her to hear the words. He needed her to understand that when she left him, refused to talk to him, and had him served with divorce papers, all without a real conversation she broke something in him. He might be 6' 4" and an alpha male, but he wasn't immune to heartbreak.
"Not one. I came to work. I did my job. I put up with Beckett's snide comments and the cold shoulder from the rest of the team and hung out in my bunk as much as I could, and then I went home alone, doing my best to stay sober without ever fully understanding what I did that was so horrible. And I lived that way for months."
"So, yeah, maybe getting close to Ross was a bad idea, but it felt good to be with someone who understood me, saw my strengths, and wanted to be with me."
Robert could tell by Andy's somber expression that she understood what he was saying. He didn't expect or need a specific reaction from her, so having said what he needed to say, Robert stood up and began walking away. He'd give it a few more weeks, but he wasn't interested in spending the next 10 months as the station outcast. He knew he wasn't perfect, but for some reason, each time he made a mistake, his punishment always seemed to go beyond what was reasonable for his "crime."
He hoped the team would reflect on what he said and maybe approach him with a little more empathy, but if they didn't he was ready to ask for a transfer to another station. If that didn't work, at this point nothing was tying him to Seattle. Maybe a fresh start would do him good. He had done it once, he could do it again. Maybe this time in someplace a little warmer and sunnier than Seattle or Montana.
"Robert, wait," Andy called out quietly.
She had meant what she said earlier. She was still learning to live with the fact that she had torpedoed their relationship. Maybe there were too many red flags, and it never would have worked, but she would regret that she didn't fight harder for their marriage for the rest of her life. She couldn't fix what she had broken between them, but at that moment, she could be the person Robert needed her to be.
When he turned, she gestured to the space beside her on the aid car. Robert paused for a moment, pondering if he wanted to continue the conversation. It only took a second for him to realize that this was the most open and honest conversation they had had in a long time, and if Andy wanted him to stay, he owed her that. Returning to the aid car, he took up the spot next to Andy that he had just vacated moments before.
"How are you?" Andy asked, a look of empathy in her eyes.
"I'm fine," Robert answered, his voice raising a bit at the end of the sentence indicating his response was more a question than a statement.
"You just told me you didn't have anyone who cared to ask how you were doing when we broke up, so, I'm here. I'm asking," Andy explained.
"I'm fine," Robert repeated, but his voice was less confident this time.
Andy looked at him sternly. She had told him she knew what he looked like when he was in love, and when he was hiding something. She also knew what he looked like when he was hurting, and for all of his bravado in the beanery earlier, she could tell he was hurting.
Robert knew he could blow Andy off, but despite all the pain they had caused one another, he didn't want to. He was enjoying the easy friendship they had formed over the last six months, and if there was any positive to come out of the difficulties of the previous several years, he was slowly learning that sometimes it's ok to lean on your friends.
"I'm doing ok," he responded, this time deciding to go with full honesty. "I thought Tash and I might be able to figure out a way to have something real, but it turns out I was more committed to the relationship than she was."
Robert's voice cracked a little at the end, and Andy knew that it wasn't easy for him to be so honest.
"Thanks for being honest with me," Andy began. "I'm still hurt that you found it so easy to lie to me, but I'll work through it…as long as it doesn't happen again."
"It won't," Robert answered earnestly.
"Good," Andy affirmed.
"And, I'm offering…to be your friend," Andy noted. "What do you do when you're suffering from a bad breakup? Eat your feelings? Binge-watch bad television? Draw faces on pictures of the ex?"
"I run a lot," Robert explained.
After Andy left him and he and Natasha broke up, he found himself putting in more than 50 miles a week. Although he was replacing his running shoes more frequently, he figured this "vice" wasn't all that bad given the alternatives.
Andy couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"Of course you do," she quipped.
Robert shrugged his shoulders innocently. He wasn't going to apologize for who he was.
Andy couldn't help but laugh. "Well, since I'm not about to go running with you, you'll have to settle for junk food and bad TV. I'll be over tomorrow night around 7:00 with some pepperoni pizza, and we'll pick out the worst comedy we can find on Netflix."
"Do I have any say in this?" Robert asked, although he already knew the answer.
"Absolutely not," Andy responded with a grin.
Robert stood up from his perch on the back of the aid car.
"You really do have a pathological need to save everyone," he teased.
"Yep," Andy agreed. "Regardless of what you said in the beanery, you're part of the 19 family, and therefore, you get my care and compassion whether you like it or not."
Robert chuckled and walked away, shaking his head. Before he left her line of sight, however, he turned and faced his ex-wife.
"Hey, Andy," he began, waiting for a second to make sure he had her attention.
"Thank you."