Chapter 2 – Drive-by

"Talk to me, baby," Lupin growled as he adjusted the heavy headphones to the audio device. Goemon merely growled with disapproval and looked out the window, where he had a view of the doctor's office. Fujiko's voice from the bug was coming in over some amount of static. "Yeah, that's the way I like it."

"Somehow I imagine this could be done without your color commentary," Goemon said.

"But then it wouldn't be half as fun."

"Explain to me why we're listening to Fujiko have her yearly physical?"

"Goemon, if you have ask that question, you've really been lost in those trances all these years. And I thought you were just being polite." Before Goemon could give a rebuttal, he raised his hand for silence so they could concentrate on Fujiko, who was now talking to a doctor or nurse. Across the alley, the shades were drawn.

The questions posed by the doctor were ordinary – but the answers were rather suggestive. It was hard to tell if she was using a seductive voice or her normal one, but it was enough to drive Lupin up the wall, almost literally. Goemon held back his commentary this time as they listened to Fujiko grow increasingly lewd and the doctor increasingly nervous and disturbed.

"Oh man, I don't think I can take this."

"You like it when she talks this way to YOU."

"Well, obviously there's a difference." There was a crashing sound, and they both looked out the window, as if that helped. "C'mon!" It went without saying that nothing could dissuade Lupin from jumping through the window and slamming right into the opposite one. Goemon followed him, landing two stories down on the ground next to where Lupin had crashed, his face red from being pressed into glass.

They darted ran around to the front of the building, almost crashing into a man in a white coat running out the front door. "Hey, watch where you're going, buddy – we're coming to a lady's rescue!"

"Rescue?" the doctor asked in confusion, but he was cut off by the sound of gunfire. Lupin instinctively grabbed both of them and ducked behind the illegally parked car.

"What the hell was that?" said a half-disrobed Fujiko, who had emerged from the front doors.

They peered over the car, to the opposite side of the street, where several men dressed in a manner that could only be described as "thuggish" had climbed out a of a waiting van and were firing at them. Fujiko disappeared in horror back into the building, leaving the three of them hiding from fire.

The noise was temporarily zoned out by the squeal of tires. Lupin dared to look over the hood to the car that was pulling up and the door that was open for them.

It was Jigen behind the wheel. "Grab the doc and get in!"

Neither of them had any real objections. Lupin shoved Dr. Attelberg in the front seat and climbed in the back with Goemon as the car took off. The thugs were apparently not interested in giving chase, and took a few potshots at the car as it escaped around a corner.

In his seat, Attelberg was squirming around until Jigen put a hand on his arm. "Take it easy." He pushed up his hat so the doctor could see his eyes. "We're the good guys this time."

"Depends on your definition of the term," Goemon chimed in.

"Even I'm not sure who's side we're on right now," Lupin admitted. "But we couldn't let you get shot up back there."

"You're gonna be fine now," Jigen assured him. "We'll take care of you."

The doctor looked around, trying to take in a 30's mobster, a samurai, and a man who dressed like a circus ringmaster. "Who are you guys?"

"We're undercover cops with lousy training," Lupin said. "But really – the man from the Kurosawa film is Ishikawa Goemon the 13th the man who just saved us is Daisuke Jigen, and I'm the right honorable Lupin the Third."

"Ben Attelberg," he said hesitantly. "You guys are - ?"

"Gentlemen."

"Stinkin' thieves," Jigen said with a smirk, and shoved his hat back down.

"Not that we're going to rob you," Lupin offered. "Unless you're carrying a massive diamond on you."

Attelberg looked half-tempted to crack a smile. "Uh ... no, I'm just a doctor. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. Not until that lady came in – "

"Fujiko," Jigen said with a snarl. "What did she do to you?"

"She tried – she tried to – "

" – seduce you?" Goemon chimed in before Lupin wanted to. "Standard operating procedure. The question becomes – why?"

"I don't know. She didn't get that far." He paused. "Wait – she's Marcello's fiancé, isn't she?"

"She'll come to her senses eventually," Lupin insisted. "But until then, yes."

"This probably a sketchy connection, but maybe she knew I'm Chris Magnelli's doctor. Which would explain why Chris had men here to watch her and me."

Jigen took the cigarette out of his mouth. "You're Chris' doctor?"

"I didn't want to – but Christ, it's Chris. And he just wants routine check-ups. It was fine until this – Fujiko? – she showed up."

"And now Chris thinks you're working for her," Jigen said.

"And if you were," Lupin guessed, "you could help her get rid of the competition."

"I'm not!"

"We believe you. Right, Jigen?" To this Jigen said nothing. "Just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"You shouldn't go home, not if Chris is mad at you," Jigen said authoritatively. "You'll stay with us until this blows over." He looked over at Lupin and gave him a glare of death.

"... Uh, yeah. Sure," Lupin said. "You get to experience the infamous Lupin gang hospitality."

"Yeah. That means miso soup and sleeping in the bathtub of a cramped hotel room," Jigen said good-naturedly. "And if this Japanese policemen in a trench coat shows up you get to jump out the window."

"Am I going to get shot at?"

"Only minimally."

Ben squirmed in his seat. "I'll talk it."