Hey!! Sorry this chapter took so long to put up. I was on vacation at the beach. I didn't get home till this morning. Anyway. This is once again another filler chapter. I hope that you like it. It's less depressing than the other ones. Please remember to read and review. Thanks.
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone or anything from the Newsies movie. I wish I did, but I sadly don't. So I will just have to stick with my character, Hanna. Who belongs entirely to me.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jack was silent on our walk back to Manhattan, after I had finished pouring my heart out to him. The story had taken longer to tell than I had anticipated and by the time I had finished we were almost to the Lodging House. Jack and myself had never been close with one another, there had always been something standing between us. But I would have trusted him with my life and I knew he would do the same. So like a brother he walked beside me and listened as I explained my reason for leaving Brooklyn.
I could hardly speak between the sobs after I had finally finished talking and Jack grabbed my arm to stop me before we walked into the Lodging House. "Are you alright?" he asked.
I lifted my teary gaze up from the ground and stared at him. "No," I whispered sadly as I turned around and opened the door. I hated crying, but there was nothing else to do to make the pain go away.
I stepped over the threshold and Kloppman looked up at me from behind his desk. There were a few of the younger newsies sitting around and they stared at me curiously, wondering why I had decided to return. Jack went up to the front desk and sat some money down on the counter. "It's er' rent for dis week," he said and Kloppman nodded.
"You don't need to do that Jack," I said softly but he just smiled.
"Don' worry about it Doll, just go get some rest." Even though it was in the middle of the afternoon Jack could tell by my behavior that I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before, nor would I be able to that day. But I needed to be alone, to sort out everything in my mind.
I nodded to Jack and began my walk up that familiar wooden staircase, leading into the bunk room. I could hear the quiet thump of many feet and the joyous laughter coming through the floorboards from the room above. But the moment I opened the door everything got quiet.
I knew in my mind that I must have looked horrible but it was nothing compared to how I felt. I refused to stare into anybody's eyes, not wanting to see the looks that they were giving me. I felt Jack's hand on my back as he gently guided me into the room because I had temporarily stopped at the top of the stairs.
Racetrack was sitting on his bunk and looked at me worriedly as he got to his feet. "What's wrong?" he asked but I shook my head. I wasn't ready to talk about it. I knew that Jack would tell them the moment I was out of ear shot and I didn't care. My eyes were red and sore from crying and I felt like I was about to pass out. I just walked passed all of the boys and into my old room.
I didn't even care about closing the door, I just laid down on the bed and pulled the covers up over my head. I knew the boys were staring at me sympathetically but I didn't care. I laid there for hours and sobbed into my pillow. I just kept running everything that had happened over and over in my mind, crying harder each time Spot's face appeared in my head. Eventually Race walked over and shut the door quietly, giving me my privacy.
I did end up falling asleep that night but the coming morning would bring no solace to my agony. Days went by as I sunk deeper and deeper into a dark and dangerous depression. I refused to step foot out of my room, only to use the bathroom and when I did, I spoke not a single word to anyone. I got very little sleep and didn't eat for days. I could feel myself painfully deteriorating and I could do nothing to stop it.
One time I looked at my reflection by accident when I stood up off my bed and after that I turned the mirror in my bedroom to face the wall. I looked like I was barely alive. My skin was abnormally pale and it clung to my bones in a grotesque sort of way. My hair was frizzy and dry as it fell in scraggily curls around my thin face. My green eyes were red and puffy, surrounded by deep black circles of exhaustion. I stood there for a few minutes just staring at myself, wondering how my life had come to this. What had I done to deserve such a slow and pitiful existence?
I stayed locked in my room for ten days straight and only caught the glimpse of sunlight through the curtains of my window. But even getting up out of bed was becoming more difficult as time went on. My leg muscles would tense up from lack of water and crying every day didn't help much. I wasn't just crying for Spot, I was crying for my parents, for my life and for the friends I no longer had. I knew that the newsies got more and more worried about me, I could hear them talking about me through the floor boards at night. They left me alone because they knew that this was something I would have to deal with by myself. But they were not surprised by my actions one bit, for they had seen things like this happen before. Living with poor orphans and children who had past's far worse than my own, depression was something that they saw everyday.
But soon they realized that I wasn't getting any better, so they decided to take action because they refused to let me give up on living altogether. It was early in the morning on the eleventh day and I was laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My room was a mess as my clothes laid sprawled around on the floor and dust sat on my dresser top. I sometimes woke up early these days to listen to the commotion coming from the bunk room. Thinking about what the boys would do that day and wondering how many papers they would sell. Sometimes I wanted to go out there, to see there faces again. Not just to hear there voices through a wooden door. But I was to weak to move and I had been getting horrible pains in my stomach.
Yet I heard a loud thumping noise coming from the right side of my room. It continued when I finally realized that someone was trying to get into my window. When the window finally opened I watched as a boy climbed through and toppled on the floor. He quickly stood up and dusted himself off. That was when I realized it was Racetrack.
I propped myself up onto my elbows and looked at him wearily. "Why did you climb through my window?" I asked, my voice scratchy from not being used in days.
His eyes were wide when he stared at me and I knew it was because of my appearance. I felt slightly embarrassed but was to tired to care. When he finally got over the shock of seeing me so broken, he walked over and pulled up a chair to sit beside my bed. "Because ya won't open da door."
I got a really horrible pain in my stomach and groaned as I laid back down on my pillow. It took a few minutes for the pain to go away before I turned to look at Race again. "Please, just leave." I asked softly.
"I'm not leaving until you leave," He said sternly and by the look in his eyes I knew that he meant it.
I sighed deeply, "Why are you doing this?"
"Because Spot isn't worth killing yourself!" Race practically yelled at me as he got to his feet and started pacing the room. I glared at him and sat up once more, propping my back against the brass headboard.
"Is that what you think? That I am doing all of this just because of him!" Race stared at me without an expressionless face. "Well its not just about Spot! Its about everything! I not only lost my parents a month ago Race, I lost my family, my friends…my life! Then Spot showed up and I lost you. He was the only thing I had…the only thing that made me happy. Then Booker appeared and now I lost everything." Surprisingly I didn't cry when I said this but the sincerity and pain was clear in my voice.
Racetrack relaxed and sat down beside me once more. He took my hands in his own. "Ya never lost us Doll…ya lost yourself."
I looked at him clearly for a few moments, thinking about what he had said. Then I smiled for the first time in days and hugged him tightly. He was startled by how thin I was and didn't hug me tightly in return, afraid that I would break. When I pulled away I laughed a little. "How did you become so wise all of a sudden."
"I tink' dat ya startin to rub off on me." he said laughing. I smiled and then leaned back up against the headboard.
"I'm far from wise," I replied halfheartedly.
"Well your da smartest goil we eva knew," Race said seriously as he took out a cigar and placed it in his mouth. He knew not to smoke in front of me because I had yelled at him before about hating the smell.
"Ha!" I laughed, not taking one bit of it serious.
He just shook his head. "Its true. Ya know how ta read and ta write, den ya use all dos fancy words dat we aint neva heard of. Why do ya tink dat so many of da guys listen ta what ya gotta say?"
"They don't listen to me," I replied smirking. They never listened to me. They just thought that I was some annoying rich girl who likes to boss them around.
"Yes dey do," Race said seriously. "For example, Rememba dat day when ya yelled at Skittery because he kept loosing all his clothes and ya told him dat he might be able ta find dem if he didn't keep throwing dem aroun' everywhere. Well he's been doin what ya said and he hasn't lost his hat since. Oh an how ya told us dat we would start gettin sick from all da germs if we didn't start cleanin up da Lodgin' House a little. Well we did what ya said and you should see da bathroom now." Race said proudly informing me.
I smiled at him thankfully, "Really?" I asked laughing.
"Yeah, come on. Get up an come see it," He replied as he stood up and grabbed my hand. My eyes grew wide and I shook my head frantically.
"No, not right now Race," I said but he lifted me up out of the bed with ease. I was extremely weak and had no muscle to resist him.
I tried to stop him but he pulled me over to the door. Finally Race stopped when he noticed how frightened I was. "Don't worry Doll, nobody is out der. Dey are all out sellin." That relieved me slightly but I was still scared. I didn't know why I was still afraid to leave the room. Maybe because that meant that I was moving on and I didn't know if I was ready to leave my shelter. I knew that Racetrack was right and that I had to move on, to continue living. But I just couldn't understand how anything could go back to normal.
Yet I had to start somewhere. "Alright," I said softly.
Race smiled and unlocked my bedroom door. With a creak it opened and I shielded my eyes from the sunlight that was cascading through the many windows in the room. When my vision cleared I was shocked to see that he was right. The whole bunk area was cleaner than I had ever saw it before. There was still a little bit of clothes laying around but they were from the younger boys who didn't see the significance of cleaning up after themselves.
I had no socks on and my feet were freezing with each step I took on the hard wood floor. My legs were weak and I felt like an old woman as I walked slowly into the bathroom. Racetrack held me up and I smiled when I saw that all of the dirt was gone. The sinks were clean and everything was put away neatly. I was no longer afraid to touch the counters and Race walked me down to my sink at the end. I was shocked to see a bouquet of red roses sitting on the ledge under my mirror. I reached out gently and touched the roses with my fingers, Race just smiled brightly beside me.
"Der's thirty-two of dem, one from each of us." I looked up at him.
"What is it for?" I asked happily.
Race looked a little surprised but the smile never left his face. "It's ya birthday, rememba."
I looked from Racetrack to the Roses and back again, wide eyed. How could I have forgotten my own birthday? But the simple fact that the newsies had remembered was astonishing to me. I had treated them so horribly over the last month that I had known them and yet they still spent some of there own money on me. It was the nicest present I had ever received. Because I knew that every penny was significant to them and that one of those roses probably meant whether or not they had dinner that night. " I don't deserve these." I said sadly.
"Yes ya do," Race replied patting me on the back. "Now why don't ya clean up a little and den play me in a game of cards."
"I don't have any money," I replied.
Race just laughed as he handed me a clean wash cloth. "It doesn't have ta be for money. Just a normal game," I looked at him surprised. Racetrack was never one to just play a normal game of cards. Something always had to be up for him to win.
"What's the catch?" I asked smirking at him.
He just smiled mischievously and walked out of the room. "You'll see," he said laughing.
It took me longer than usual to get myself cleaned up. Still refusing to use the metal bin that they called a bathtub, I decided to wash my hair in the sink. I ran my fingers through the tangle of wet curls and then tied it back with a blue ribbon. After I finished washing my face I walked back into the bedroom and changed into a simple white cotton dress with a matching blue ribbon around my waist. I decided to risk turning my mirror around and when I looked at my reflection I wasn't nearly satisfied with what I saw but it would have to do.
When I walked out of my room, Race was sitting on his bed, shuffling the cards in his hands as if it was second nature to him. He smiled brightly at me as I walked over and sat down beside him on the bed. Race dealt each of us our hand, but before we started I asked him, "So…what's the bet?"
He looked over the top of his cards at me with a smirk. "Well if ya win, ya can go back ta hiding in ya room and neva see da light of day again." I couldn't deny that it was something that I greatly wished to do. It was so much easier just to hide from all my fears instead of facing them. "But…if I win, ya have ta come ta Medda's party wit us next week."
I growled because I knew that he had me trapped. There was no way I could possibly get out. I was somewhat decent of a poker player and had beat many of the Brooklyn boys. But Racetrack was a different story. He was the one who taught me everything I know and never once had I succeeded in beating him. "That's not fair…" I yelled.
"Fine den, just quit." Race said.
"No," I replied. I had never quit anything in my life and he knew I was to stubborn to give up. The way he could guess my every move and action made me hate the fact that I was so open with my emotions all the time.
"Well den, lets play." I thought about it for a moment and then nodded my head as we preceded into the game.
An hour passed by and we were still playing. It was so quiet that I could hear a pin drop and I jumped when I heard the door open and Jack, Mush and Kid Blink walked in. It was the first time I had seen them in a week and a half. They stopped and stared at me like I was some kind of exotic animal. Finally Jack came to his senses. "Hey, look who finally decided to show er' face."
"Well I'd still be in there if Race hadn't drug me out," I said stubbornly.
"Wait a go Race," Mush said and I glared at him. But he just slouched up against the wall and laughed.
"Are ya feelin alright Dollface?" Blink asked staring at me closer. Noticing how pale and thin I was becoming.
"Yes…why?"
"Because ya look terrible," Blink said. I knew he didn't mean it as an insult but it still hurt me inside.
"She looks betta dan she did before." Race said as he picked up a card and put it in his hand.
"Alright! I get that I look horrible, now can we drop this conversation." I stated angrily and then cringed as a pain shot through my stomach. I saw the boys look at each other and then look back at me.
"Are ya sure you're alright?" Jack asked.
"I told you I'm fine," I said as my breathing returned to normal.
"Maybe ya should go see the doc," Mush suggested.
"Will you just stop it!" I yelled and then lowered my voice. I didn't want to yell at them, they were just trying to help me. "I'm alright, really. I have just been feeling a little sick lately, that's all. But I'm sure it's something I can handle."
The boys didn't look so convinced. Mush walked closer to me and handed me a piece of bread. "Maybe ya should try eatin something."
I hadn't eaten in days and I felt my stomach growl when I looked at it. I felt guilty about taking his food but I couldn't resist. Yet the moment I took a bite out of it, I felt a wave of nausea wash over me. I laid my cards down quickly and ran to the bathroom. But there was nothing in my stomach so I didn't do anything but gag. My chest began to burn and another horrible pain shot up through my stomach. I knew I needed to eat something but how was I suppose to if I couldn't hold anything in.
I sat down on the bathroom floor in one of the stales until I finally felt better and made my way back into the bunk room. They looked up at me concerned and I put my hands up to stop them before they could ask any questions. "I'm fine!" I made my way over and took my seat on the bed next to Race once more, picking up my cards. "Now lets play." I wanted to get this finished before any more of the boys got back.
Of course I didn't have to wait very long because in a half an hour Racetrack beat me like I had expected him to. "Well it was a good game," He said and then laughed at the depressed look on my face.
After I helped clean up the cards, I informed them that I was going to go lay down. My head was killing me and I wasn't in the mood to deal with the rest of the newsies, not today. They understood and to my surprise they hugged me before I turned around and walked back into my room.
For weeks I had been dreading coming out of my room because I was afraid of what they would say. Of how the boys would judge me after knowing what had happened. Yet with the help of my friends, I was slowly coming back to reality. But I knew in my heart that it would be a long hard journey before there was finally an end to all my suffering.
Thank you:
C.M. Higgins- Hey! Finally I returned from vacation. I missed talking to you and going on I hate being away from the computer for that long. But I was at the beach so I didn't really care all that much. Thanks so much for all of the wonderful comments you say about my story. You have stuck with my story for so long. I am so happy that you liked the chapter and didn't hate me to much. Lol Well I will say something about the guess you made in you last review about Doll. Umm, it could be possible but I don't want to tell you anything just yet. Because I am not entirely sure about that at the moment. When I figure out anything else I will talk to you, of course. Thanks so much… again.
Spunkz- Yeah I did feel really bad for Spot when I wrote this chapter. It took me so long because I hated writing it. I am glad that you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed this one, even though it was a filler. I was on vacation the entire week and didn't have much time to write. But I didn't want to keep you guys waiting.
Splashey- Hey! Wow you're the first person ever to actually feel sorry for Booker in this whole thing. I mean you actually are suppose to. I didn't want people to hate his character. But I guess most people love Spot better, of course. I am so happy that you like the last chapter. I know I say that every time but its true. I actually think you are the longest lasting reviewer that I have. You and one other person. So thanks so much and I hope you continue reading.
Dimonah Tralon- Hey, thank you. I am happy that you think the chapter was well written. This one isn't the greatest because it's a filler chapter. But I was on vacation all week and didn't have time to write. I hope to hear from you soon. Thanks again.
Swimade333- Hey!!! Sorry I didn't update on Friday. I was actually on vacation at the Ocean. But I got it up today, its one day late. This chapter is a filler, but I have to have those in the story. I am so, so happy about your reviews. They always make me feel better because you say such nice things. Everyone says I'm a great writer, but I don't see it. So that's why I get so happy over your reviews. Because you are always so sweet. Thanks a bunch and I am glad you liked the last chapter.
Clover- Hey! Thanks! Your reviews are so nice! Yeah I was happy to make Doll and Race stop fighting since he is one of my favorite characters. That was exactly the reason I made them stop fighting. So that she would be able to go back to Manhattan after the whole Booker situation. Well I am so happy that you like the chapter. I hope you like this one also. Even though nothing super interesting happens.
Katherine- I am so happy that I have a new reviewer! I love when I find out more people are reading my story. Thank you so much for the compliment. I hope you keep reading.
Joker is Poker with a J- Thanks you so much! Your review was very nice. It made me so happy. Yeah that would be rather entertaining if Spot started singing. Lol That would be very funny to see. I love writing Angsty stuff. I don't know why. This story basically just writes itself. Lol its kinda funny actually. Well anyway. I am so happy that you liked the last chapter. I was afraid to many people would be upset about it. So, I hope you liked this chapter. It's another filler chapter, but I have to put these in to lead to the good stuff. Enjoy!
Koodles4You- Thank you so much! Like I said before your reviews always make me so happy. You never have anything bad to say about my story. Although I could hardly agree that my story is the best. But thank you so much for saying that! I really appreciate it. This chapter is just like a filler chapter. I have to have a lot of those. Lol I still hope you enjoy it.
The Good Girl- Hey! Of course I don't hate you and I know its not a flame. I understand what you mean about Doll seeming like she's a weak character. That's actually how I am trying to make it seem. I know its strange. But if you pay attention, in the beginning of the story she was strong, outgoing and arrogant. Then her parents died and everything fell apart. One bad thing after another keep's happening to her and she is like slowly deteriorating. She cries all the time because its becoming to much for her to handle. I mean her parents did just die a month ago. I would still be upset if I was her. It's like she is having a break down. She knew that fighting with Spot would only make things worse. That's why I didn't have her argue with him more. Hanna doesn't want to hurt him and that's what she feels like she is doing. So she thinks it would be best just to leave. That's why I have her cry all the time and stuff like that. Don't worry it won't last forever. Beut I just needed to show how much everything is effecting her. Well I hope you liked this chapter still. Its just a filler but I didn't have a lot of time to write it. I am glad you liked the twist in the last chapter. There are a lot of those in the story. I like to shake things up a bit. Well I hope to hear from you soon.
ocdchick- Hey! It's alright that you havn't reviewed before. I understand. I am just happy that you are reading it. Sorry I didn't mention you in the last chapter. I just was rushing when I answered my reviews. Anyway, yeah of course I had to make her forgive Race. He is one of my favorite characters in the story. I couldn't have her hating him for long. It just was to depressing. Well I hope I hear from you again and thanks so much!
eve maiden- Of course I don't think your some crazy reader. I am just happy to know that you like my story that much. I hate to say it, but I love when people cry. Because that means that I did a good job writing it. I am happy that you like it, sorry this chapter wasn't the best. It's just a filler chapter, I was on vacation all week. Let me know what you think.
Luv ya all,
BlackWiltedRose