Finished Date: 14/12/04
Author: Pilotslover
Rating: PG-13
Summery - Some secrets are best left hidden, no matter how much you want to tell them
Written for the AF1 guild Secret Santa - December 2004
AN: Rubs neck Firstly, I must apologise to ChaosUltimacia for this; I'm sorry. I really don't know anything about you at all! I asked Uni about you and she said you like Parasite Eve (Which I've never played), Hot Action (This one I knew, but I can't write it.) and the final saving grace vampires. Of course, there are many kinds of vampire – you've got the olde style ones, you've got Buffy style ones and then you've got Lestat and Louis and co style ones. Frankly, that's a lot to choose from, so I went with a slightly alternative one.
Secondly, I apologise to any fans of FF IX reading this … sorry. I'm not going to say more because it'll spoil it but sorry!
Thirdly, Mr. Ultimacia sir, if you really weren't happy with this at all (I'd be a little worried if someone had written it for me) Then we can negotiate a bit and I can try and write you something else. Though, if that is what occurs, I will warn you that I can't write romance/hot action at all; hence this little piece of random angst.
This piece is the character writing a letter, I think it's needless to say who it is writting it because any one who knows me knows I can't write for any one but this character ... and that I'm obsessed with him. :)
Everyone has a secret, depending on who the person is, the secrets are either bigger or smaller. Some peoples secrets are silly, like they stole a chocolate from a box meant especially for someone else, or the fact that they are attracted to someone they shouldn't be.
Mine isn't so stupid.
Firstly, I don't have just one secret, I have several; a good number of them add up to the same thing though. I've always been secretive, I've always liked being alone and before I met the others I didn't really have anyone to share a secret with anyway. In the past my biggest secret was what I am, walk up to someone in Treno and they realise your a Black Mage and your lucky to escape with your life; I made that mistake once before, I'm not going to make it again. What else are you supposed to say when someone asks 'what the hell are you?'
My little secrets, those that are only small things alone are much bigger when someone works out what it is when you add them together. Like doing a jigsaw, put all the secrets in the right place and a picture will look back at you; sometimes with jigsaws, the end result is obvious when you look at the individual pieces but my jigsaw ... I don't let people have any bits.
Keeping secrets is something I find really easy, being quite and mostly unnoticeable, people have left me to myself, so no one ever knew these things. I can't keep hiding behind words can I?
My first secret isn't really a secret on its own, I hate the sunlight. No, hate is too weak a word, I detest it; I know it's important but I extremely dislike the fact that it's so ... sunny. There's not really any reason I don't like it, but keeping covered up is better for me.
Secondly, I'm not overtly keen on Garlic; no idea if that's due to what I am or just due to the fact that it's a nasty food but I don't like it. I spent hours begging Grandpa to leave it out of food when I lived with him; he knew my one big truth, the one big one built of so many little secrets.
I don't need to eat, I've grown fond of it, but I don't need to. When Grandpa first worked out my truth, he made me sit with him and eat 'normally'. "Will help Vivi hide," He had insisted and he was right, people underestimate the Qu clan but they're smarter then they look; which admittedly can't be difficult.
The last two secrets are the most obvious tells about what I am, and I can't see the point in trying to make this easy on myself so ... here goes. I have pointed canines, more then Zidane or the others. And I drink blood.
There, secrets told; Grandpa used to say that secrets were good but telling them is good too. I don't think so, I feel worse now then I did before, if Zidane and the others ever find out about this, I'll be in so much trouble. I'm not like a proper Vampire, which seems a slightly weird concept from my perspective; Vampires in most tales are rich men in grand houses, who woo young virgins from the streets, who are scared of churches and crucifixes. I don't, I can't believe I'm writing this, woo young women in off the streets; if I did Eiko wouldn't be alive, neither would Dagger. And I'm not scared of churches, I like them; something inside me sometimes feels a little out of place but that could be a Black Mage part of me.
Why hide? Why do I lock my secrets away from the people I trust the most? Because I'm scared, I'm scared of them being scared of me, scared of what they'll do to me in order to protect themselves. Maybe it's a little selfish, but I just want to be accepted and that's hard enough when you're a Black Mage. Have I ever drank the blood of a person? No, and I don't want to! It's bad enough that I have to drink it in the first place, I don't want to hurt someone as well!
I'm not like a vampire from a book, I'm more ... it's hard to explain what I am. I only drink blood because it stops my own blood cells from being destroyed; I guess it's possible that drinking blood stops me from stopping like the others do. I can't have been with Quan long the first time that I went wonky, he was really worried, running about the cave, flapping his hands; I couldn't move, I could barely talk. I'm not sure how he came up with the idea, but he drained some blood from what we were going to eat for dinner and gave it to me. In some books, the joy of killing is more what's on the vampires mind then anything else; I remember reading a book about vampires just after the first time and feeling sick.
In one book, a vampire would play with its victims, toying with their minds; getting sick, twisted pleasure out of the stress and pain of others. I hated it! I threw the book across the room, and I yelled myself hoarse at my Grandpa; I wasn't like that, I couldn't be like them! When I'd finished being angry, Grandpa hugged me and I felt empty inside, like I'd lost something very important to me. I felt like a monster, like I'd have to be a monster. But he held me close, he didn't say anything, he knew I'd have to cry and at last I did. I cried until my hoarse throat became clogged up and I couldn't find any more tears. I wasn't like when I found my magic, then I'd been happy, these were desperate tears that came from knowing no one would ever trust this part of me. "You no be like nasty book beast if you no want, Vivi." Grandpa said as I lent exhaustedly into him.
The next time I needed blood, I wouldn't drink it; Grandpa had gone to Treno and I just lay on one of the sleeping bags and waited. First, I was tired, like before, then it hurt; it burned inside of me and all I could do was yowl like a beast until I fainted. When I came to, the taste of blood in my mouth, Grandpa was sitting next to me, holding my hand; he fought away relief long enough to scold me for being so stupid, telling me that no matter how bad things seemed, they would get better eventually. He spoon-fed me some warm broth, and then he sat with me in his arms and we talked for a really long time.
He told me that he didn't want to lose me, that now he wasn't a Gourmand any more I was all he really had left. And he cried. I'd never seen my Grandpa cry before but the idea of losing me drove him to tears. I never starved myself of blood again, I didn't want to hurt my Grandpa and it hurt me enough the first time.
When Grandpa died, I was more interested in seeing a new place then worried about what I'd do if something went wrong; I was expecting to go to Alexandria and then go back home, I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I got home but I was going to live there. At first, I was worried about getting the blood I needed when the others were around, but it was easier to slip away then I expected, it was like they expected me to want to be alone anyway. Which I did, I don't always feel comfortable around others, even if I know them well.
I hate having to do it, hide away, but I'm scared of what the others will do to protect themselves against me; I keep having nightmares about what'd happen if they did, wondering if I'd startle awake to find Zidane about to plunge a dagger into my chest. I'd never dream about hurting anyone, I'd Doomsday myself if I ever thought I could! Part of me wants them to know, then I wouldn't have to hide any more, but this is one of the types of secret that you keep until you die.
One of the things I worry about is that the vampires in the books are what's really in my soul, that one day I'll be just like that. I can't help thinking about the autonomous actions of the golem mages, their unwavering desire to kill, kill, kill as ordered. They say two halves make a whole, and if my two halves ... if that's all inside of me then one day I'll just want to kill things. And I can't do that! I don't want to be a killer, I don't want to have to kill people for the sake of living, and I don't want to know that killing people is the only way I can keep living.
It's funny, in most books, you can't help but feel that vampire's get what they deserve when a hunter sticks a silver stake into their heart or cuts their head off with a silver sword; but when you're inside it ... I don't think I need to say that it isn't as funny to read. I read a lot of books about Vampires and I found very few who were like me, who don't want to hurt people; they have it worse then others who don't feel remorse, they always end up killing someone by accident or out of blood lust and then tearing themselves up inside about it. I don't want to feel pain like that! I don't want to end up doing that and hating myself forever.
In the books, most of the vampires are good looking, what was it? 'Tall dark brooding handsomeness'? It seems so funny to me, least of all because I'm so short; surely vampires were human's too, and they'd all look different. That was the other thing, just thinking about books, what's all this stuff about being sired as a vampire? I'm not saying that I don't understand it, I was raised by a Qu but he wasn't an idiot. As far as I know, I was born ... no, made like this, of course I can't be certain, so much of my past is muzzy; I've never read anything about a Vampire being born.
Sorry, I got a little lost there; so, what do I look like? I've never really wanted to know, I guess I'm dressed like this for a reason. Grandpa Quan once told me a story about a man who wore a mask because he was so ugly that people would be scared of him; people are scared of me anyway, but I guess I don't want to know. Maybe one day I'll change my mind, maybe when I've told someone what I am but now I've still got a lot of things to get sorted out in my head and my heart.
Sometimes, when I'm tired, or hungry, or fed up, I wish I wasn't who I am; for the longest time I didn't want to be a Black Mage any more, but then I realised that I couldn't live without my magic, that giving it up would be tearing a huge piece of my soul away. Of course, being a Vampire isn't like that, I'd tear it out of myself and Doomsday it if I could! I wouldn't care how much it hurt, I'd watch as it was obliterated. I'd enjoy it because it's never helped me, it can't be used like my magic can. It's like ... a flower, a really ugly one that doesn't even look good; it doesn't do anything at all.
Maybe, one day, if I don't stop first, I'll feel better about all of this, but I can't see that happening for a really long time. Right now, I just need to get this written down, or I'll have to keep it locked inside, and Zidane keeps telling me that it's not a very good idea to keep things inside. He took me aside once at camp and told me that keeping things bottled up would make me sick, I didn't have the nerve to tell him why I really felt sick, but he was right. Hiding secrets is like locking some part of you away in a box, and that part can't ever be healed, it never sees the light of day or gets to know what it's like to be known by others; in the darkness, it festers away, growing angry with its solitude. One day it'll consume you and I guess that's what I'm scared of; if my secret takes me over, then it'll get everyone else too.
I don't have very much time to finish this note, Zidane and the others are keen to take on Kuja. I'm scared that he'll blurt out my secret, I have been all along, but it's possible that he doesn't know either, it'd be interesting to find out but I don't think I'll get the chance; I'm not going to risk the hatred of my friends because I want to find out what Kuja knows about me. Some truths are best hidden, others are hidden for a reason, I think mine's a bit of both; if it stays hidden then I can keep fighting with it alone and quiet. One question I've wanted the answer to for a long time is whether the quiet has claimed me or if I chose it; would I have been as quiet, withdrawn, if I didn't have my secret? I guess I'll never know the answer; I've never had the other option. I should probably end this now, Zidane's asking 56 where I am and he'll find me soon.
END
AN: SORRY!
Merry Christmas ChaosUltima - feel free to hit me with something heavy if you hate it!