She sat to the left of his grave, not wanting to perch on the earth right above his coffin; being at the cemetery was eerie enough.
Joseph Connor Reagan, the stone read. She traced the "J" and the "C" with her forefinger, slowly exhaling. As a kid, Madelyn had teased Joe endlessly that she shared the same initials as a singer from the boy band, NSYNC.
"I've been talking with my therapist this last month about what Danny said – about me blaming myself for your death more than I realized…and what was the word he used? Torpedoing my life," Madelyn said quietly to the wind around her.
"A poet, that brother of ours." Tilting her head at the sky, Madelyn let her tears fall. "He was right though," She continued, hoarsely. "I did, hell, I still do. I'm not sure if that can ever change. That's one of the things that's come up in therapy- how sometimes we have to accept the core tenets of who we are. Me? I'm ride or die Reagan, and there's always going to be part of me that will think I could've done more to save you. Maybe if I'd –"
Madelyn cut herself off with a sob. "No, no. I'm – I'm not going down that road, not today…I don't think I'll ever reallybelieve that there was nothing I could've done for you; but I'm starting to realize that while I think and feel that way, it might not be the universal truth. I just…I'm so sorry, Joey. I'm so sorry."
Madelyn stopped trying to wipe the tears as they ceaselessly fell. "At the end of the day, it, uh, doesn't really matter, right? You're gone and I'm here, and it's been long enough now that I need to figure out a way to live with that. It just really fucking sucks," Madelyn let out a bitter chuckle.
Finished with what she'd come to say, Madelyn didn't feel the weight of the last years lift, but she did feel like she could breathe easier. And goddamn is that something I earned. I'll take any improvement.
The sound of rustling leaves kept Madelyn company for another fifteen minutes. She had trouble convincing herself to leave, even though sitting next to Joe's headstone was the most brutal place in the world to her. This is the safest place right now. Out there in the real world? Shit. I need to start facing my life and what I want it to be. Need to fix a lot of things. That is a tall, intimidating, and most likely painful order.
"But you'd have kicked my ass a million times over by now for waiting this long, wouldn't you? 'My kid sister isn't a wuss, so buck the hell up.'"
The joke goes unlaughed at, and a tear slides down Madelyn's face.
"I love you, Joe. Always will."
Pushing herself up off the ground, Madelyn wiped herself off, physically and proverbially, ready to make her next step on her Redemption Tour.
The two sisters were on dish duty after Sunday dinner, and the air was more tense than Madelyn wanted it to be. It was her fault, though, for brushing off Erin's attempts to chat; instead, Madelyn scrubbed at the plates silently with a ferocity that was certainly not meant for fine china.
She probably thinks I'm being a total bitch right now. I mean – I am, but only because of the words I need to say and the implications of saying them. I'm so, so scared; and if it isn't the Reagan way to tunnel fear into angsty anger, I don't know what is.
"Scrub at that plate any longer and there will be no dish left to clean."
Erin's words pulled Madelyn out of her mental spiral and back into a present she wasn't sure she wanted to be in.
Slowly setting the now-sparkling plate down, Madelyn grabbed at the edge of the sink hard enough that her knuckles turned white. She needed a physical anchor.
"I need you to help me get in contact with the prosecutor in Elliot's case. I'm…" A deep breath in and out, and a tighter squeeze on the sink later, Madelyn continued. "I'm ready to testify."
Silence reigned after her words, but Madelyn refused to make eye contact with her sister. Getting this far was as painful as it was tiring– admitting to herself and then to Erin that she intended to speak about the abuse she suffered really took it out of Madelyn. She was not ready to look Erin in the eye and inevitably cry at whatever stared back at her.
"Okay. I'll set it up."
All Madelyn could do was nod her thanks. "Can you finish up?" Her words were strained, quiet.
"Of course, go."
Bolting through the back door into the yard, Madelyn took a haggard breath of brisk air. Knowing Erin could see her through the window, Madelyn, shaking now, walked to the front of the house. There was a corner of the house that could not be seen by those inside it, a security nightmare Frank's detail had told the family years before.
"Well," Madelyn uttered as she wrang her hands together nervously. "Check that off the list."
"Mads?"
Freaking Danny. Can't a girl have a crisis in peace?
"Over here." There was no hiding from Danny Reagan in moments like these; he was a bull in a China shop, especially lately with Madelyn. It's easier to just give in.
"You're not smoking a cig, are ya? I know it's your favorite spot."
Madelyn rolled her eyes as Danny approached her in the darkness. "It was once, I was 16, and you still act like I killed someone."
Danny reached out and flicked her forehead. "You think they made me a detective for nothin'? Please, sister. That was just the only time you got caught."
Unwilling to divulge any secrets for Danny to hold over her for eternity, Madelyn changed the subject. "What can I do for ya, Danny?"
"So you're going to testify."
It wasn't a question, and neither was the way Madelyn knew he must have found that out.
"You're right, no wonder you made Detective with those eavesdropping skills."
Ignoring the barb, Danny slung his arm around her shoulder. "You want me there? When you meet the prosecutor and give your statement?"
Madelyn shrugged. It was hard to be annoyed with her brother when he was so intent on having her back. "I haven't made it past saying the words out loud, but I'll let you know."
"I'm proud of you, kid."
"Thanks, D," Madelyn replied, gently elbowing him in the side good-naturedly.
"Joe would be too; he'd be damn proud you have the courage to talk about what happened."
Her eyes shut tightly to forbid the stinging tears from falling. "I think I've cried enough recently for six lifetimes, so if you could kindly shut the hell up, I'd appreciate it."
Danny barked out a laugh. "Fine, chick-flick moment over."
"Guys? Game's on," Jamie's voice called out, referring to the 8pm Jets game. "Where are – Why are you in Madelyn's smoking corner?"
With Danny's arm still around her shoulder, he led her out of the darkness to the front porch. "Just bringing the heathen back inside."
Madelyn elbowed him in the side again. Hard.
Brothers, you can't live with them; and hell, I know better than anyone that you can't live without them.