Chapter Thirteen: Beautiful Disaster

Ryan felt the small touch on his shoulder and jumped a little. He looked up, expecting to see a doctor or a nurse and was utterly surprised to see that Summer was the owner of that hand. She looked at him with a small smile playing on her lips. He could only smile grimly back as he turned back to Marissa's sleeping form.

"I think I should be alone right now," he said thickly. Summer could tell that he was on the verge of tears.

"Oh, Ryan," Summer whispered, pulling a chair next to his and placing a hand on his knee.

"Ryan look at me." His dull eyes wouldn't leave Marissa.

"Ryan, look at me," Summer said this a little more strongly and placed her hands underneath his chin, turning him toward her. The look in his eyes scared her, almost as badly as it had scared Seth, and, just like Seth, she pulled him into a hug. This time, Ryan didn't hold back and fell into her embrace. As she stroked his hair, he let out a choked back sob. Summer smiled slightly.

"Ryan, it's okay. Your secret's safe with me." With that, Ryan let it all out, tears draining out of his eyes, staining Summer's pretty blue shirt. Strong, selfless Ryan-he wasn't supposed to cry. Summer was a little surprised at this-she hadn't expected it. But then again, she hadn't known what to expect when she walked through those doors. Ryan shook against her and she noticed his crying was slowing. He pulled back slowly and looked up at her, giving her another look that almost broke her heart. His eyes, such a bottomless blue, were puffy and rimmed with red. His face was a patchy red and white color and his hair was mussed around his face. His eyes, Summer also noticed, had lost their luster. Now, they were just a dull bluish gray, much like Marissa's had been when they had found her. Summer smiled slightly and ran her hand across Ryan's face. She could see why Marissa loved him so much, which was why she was having a hard time comprehending that fact that Coop had turned away from Ryan. Summer leaned in and kissed his cheek softly.

"Better?" she asked, looking at him and mustering up the best smile she could. He nodded.

"Actually, I feel pretty stupid." Summer laughed. "Don't feel stupid- I promise I won't tell anyone."

"And I promise, too," said a small voice. Both Summer and Ryan jumped and turned to Marissa. She was looking at them, smiling. This was the first time that Summer had actually looked at Marissa and she drew in a sharp breath. Marissa's hair lay in a stringy mess around her face, her eyes dull, her complexion pallid. If Summer hadn't been on the beach with her all those times, she could have sworn Marissa hadn't spent a day in the sun what with the pale color of her skin and the dullness of her hair.

"Coop," she said softly and walked over to her, manuevering herself so she could hug her. Marissa put an arm around her and patted her shoulder, grimacing as she did so. She then looked over at Ryan and her face fell. Summer saw that look and turned to the door.

"If you need me, just call," Summer said as she walked out the door, shutting it with a firm click and making the awkwardness level in the room exceed known proportions. Both Marissa and Ryan shifted uncomfortably, avoiding each others eyes and trying their best to ignore the nagging question dancing in their heads. Neither of them could, and Ryan first broke the silence.

"Why did you do it?" It was a question that hung in the air, like a pesky bug that wouldn't go away. "And don't give me that 'I needed to escape' shit". Ryan was astounded at the ferocity of the words coming out of his mouth, but he couldn't stop his anger. Marissa looked at him, surprised.

"Ryan... I just... I don't know."

Ryan laughed. It was a sick sound and it scared Marissa. "You don't know? How do you not know?" His voice was raising.

"I'm sorry," she started, but was cut off again.

"You're sorry?! I told you I loved you, I fucking love you, Marissa and you ran away and tried to kill yourself! How do you think that makes me feel? God, Marissa, I've loved you forever!" He was screaming now and at the end of his tirade, Ryan slammed his back against the wall and slid down it. He buried his head in his hands and, for the second time that day, he began to cry. Hot tears poured down his face and sobs racked his body. Marissa's heart broke as she watched him. She was crying herself; after all, it was her fault that he was over there against the wall. Much against her doctor's wishes, she moved and tried to get up to go to him. Ryan had lifted his head up by then, startled by the noise. His heart began to pound when he saw what she was doing.

"Marissa, don't get up. It's okay. I just...overreacted." he said, his voice muffled and choked because of the tears. She pretended not to hear and stood up from her bed slowly. She turned toward Ryan, who was now looking at her with huge eyes.

"Marissa..." he began. She tried to smile at him, but her tears clouded her vision. Suddenly, the room began to spin and her head felt heavy. She then began to fall toward the floor and not back to her bed.

"MARISSA!" Ryan screamed her name and ran to her. He caught her in his arms, his heart in his throat.

"Oh, my God, don't do that," he whispered. Marissa looked into his deep blue eyes as he set her back on her bed and when he tried to straighten back up, she grabbed his shirt and put and arm around his neck, pulling him to her and kissing him. Ryan's head began to spin, but he kissed her back just the same.

"I love you, Ryan. I love you so much. You scared me and I didn't think I could take it if anyone hurt me again but I don't care. Oh, God Ryan I love you more than anything in this world," Marissa stared up at him, watching his reaction. His eyes were wide and he softly brushed a strand of hair from her face. He set his knee on her bed and kissed her again.

"And I'm so sorry, Ryan. I didn't want to kill myself. When you left, I knew I couldn't be without you at all and I just-" she was rambling on, much like Seth, but Ryan put a finger on her lips.

"Shh, baby. It's okay. I know. I promise I won't ever leave you again," Ryan looked at her with so much concern and with so much love that she pulled him down and kissed him again.

"I love you Ryan," she whispered when she had pulled back.

He smiled, the words he had waited for finally coming back.

"I love you, too."