Issues by SLynn

Disclaimer: I own only the thoughts in my head and the characters you don't recognize.

Chapter 4: Conversations

Sara was getting worried. Greg had been in the bathroom a long time, half an hour at least. Instead of going to the door, checking on him, she made the bed and wandered into the kitchen. It wasn't even five o'clock yet but Sara started the coffee pot. She was certain when Greg did reemerge he wouldn't be sleeping. Just as it finished brewing he appeared. Sara handed him a mug which he thanked her for before sitting down. She joined him at the table ready to begin.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"Which part?"

"The nightmare."

Greg shook his head vigorously, looking into his mug before taking a drink.

"Why were you seeing a psychiatrist?" she asked and mentally added 'and couldn't tell me.'

"Dr. Tracey suggested it. She thought that I needed some extra help. It was just after I'd gotten out of the hospital and I was acting kind of moody."

"Kind of," she repeated. She'd remembered it well. Those days you didn't know which Greg you were going to meet; nice, sweet normal Greg or vicious temper, mean-spirited Greg. It hadn't been fun for anyone.

"She set up the sessions with Dr. Sanchez. She had interned with Dr. Tracey one summer before she decided to become a psychiatrist. God, she probably doesn't even know yet."

"When did you start taking medication?" she asked cautiously. Greg still looked shaken and she wasn't looking to fight with him. Sara was angry and upset, confused even but she cared. He was hurting and she still cared for him.

"Not long after I started sessions. I told you what she thought, probably wouldn't surprise most people, me being me. She said it wasn't actually that unusual, that I was probably more manic then depressed but it was still bipolar. The chemo was just speeding up the cycles."

"So you've been depressed before this, seriously depressed?"

"Couple times in college, yeah. Never like I was this last time, but pretty bad."

It was completely new to her. She hadn't even considered that he'd ever acted this way before. That it was more then the drug treatment he was currently on just affecting him. She wanted to ask how bad 'pretty bad' was, but didn't.

They sat in silence, both sipping coffee and avoiding looking at each other.

"Did you talk…" she started, but couldn't bring herself to finish.

"About you?" he guessed.

Sara nodded. She knew she didn't really have a right to know, but wanted to.

"Yeah, I did. I talked about a lot of things."

"Things you couldn't tell me."

Greg finally looked at her, tried to meet her eye but she wasn't going to let him.

"It's not like that Sara."

"Yes, it is."

"No," he pleaded. "It's not like I told her these things because I didn't think you'd understand them. I talked to her because it was easier. I didn't owe her anything and all she wanted from me was honesty. She didn't expect me to be a certain way, so I didn't have to."

"I've never wanted you to be anyone but who you are."

"But what if I don't know who I am?"

"Greg…"

"I just feel like I'm always acting a part. Like I've got to be one way or another all the time. Like if I let my guard down people wont like me."

Sara didn't know what to say. She'd never expected this.

"I didn't tell you about this because I thought," he continued, stopped and then started again "I thought you'd think I was weak. That you wouldn't want me."

"That's not true."

"I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell anyone."

"Wait," Sara said, her voice growing more serious "You didn't tell anyone? Not even Grissom?"

"If I didn't tell you what makes you think I'd tell him?" Greg asked confused.

"Ever?"

"Last night I did. I had too. I knew her, I couldn't process the scene."

Greg continued to stare at Sara who appeared deep in thought and deeply worried.

"What?" he asked.

Greg got to work an hour early. Grissom had called and asked him too, but even if he hadn't Greg would have.

Sara had told him. Explained it. He'd screwed up. Big.

He really hadn't known. Hadn't known that it was policy to inform your supervisor of any thing deemed a mental health issue. Greg should have guessed it, given that he was issued a gun, but it really hadn't occurred to him. Hell, he'd probably been briefed it but just let it slip his mind. That and having been a lab tech for so long he'd never had any kind of stipulation like that put on him before.

He didn't know how far pleading ignorance would go, but he'd have to try it.

Grissom was waiting for him when he arrived.

"Come in and shut the door behind you."

Greg did, preparing himself for what was to come.

"I'm just going to get straight to the point," Grissom began as soon as Greg had sat down. "You should have said something sooner about the therapy, you're actually required to. That's the kind of thing me, being your boss, needs to know. Greg, I don't doubt your ability or stability, but…"

"If I go all crazy and become a liability then the city gets sued," Greg finished.

Grissom just shrugged.

"I didn't think, I didn't realize it," Greg supplied. "I should have told you, you're right, I know that now. It won't happen again."

"It's more serious then that."

"How much more?"

"I just got out of meeting with the head of the department and the other shift leads, you were mentioned."

Greg thought it was more like he was what the meeting was about, but didn't interject.

"I had to file a report last year about your problems. It was thought to be a one time thing."

"It was. Grissom, I'm not…"

"Please, let me finish," he continued. "I had to file another report last night. They feel that there should be an inquiry into whether or not you are competent to hold this position."

"What did you say?"

"I said that I thought there was no question. That you were not only fully qualified but fully capable to work in the field. I told them that it was likely an oversight that you had not told me sooner about the therapy and additional drug treatment and that by removing yourself from the case as it was, showed good judgment. In short, I have no problem with you so they shouldn't either."

"But they didn't see it that way, did they?" Greg asked, knowing by Grissom's face that he was right.

"No, they did not."

"So now what?"

"Friday afternoon, three o'clock you're going before them. I'll be there, on the panel, but on your side. You'll have to answer their questions, shouldn't be too hard just tell them the truth."

"What exactly are they deciding?"

"Your future here."

"Oh," Greg said a bit stunned, standing to go, "as long as it isn't serious."

Grissom didn't comment on that. He knew Greg was nervous so he let it slide.

"One other thing," Grissom said to him before he got out the door. "You'll have to stay back the next few nights, out of the field, until after the board meets."

Greg nodded, he'd expected that.

"Anything else?"

"Yes, Catherine and Warrick are taking the Sanchez case. They'll need to talk to you about it when they get in."

"What about?"

"They'll just need to know where you were Monday night, about two in the morning. Precautionary. Sooner we cross you off of the list of suspects the better."

"Suspects? I'm a suspect?"

"Only because you're a patient. All her patients are suspects. Just let them know where you were and if anyone can corroborate it."

Greg nodded and said nothing more, just turned and left making his way slowly down the hall. This was a problem.