Where Do We Go From Here?

My hair blew in the wind as carelessly as I lit the match to the pages I had just written in an absolute fury.

I was upset, angry, and mad. I couldn't understand what was happening at Degrassi, or how Jimmy, someone I had once loved a long time ago, was hurt. I kept recalling the events in my head. Hazel had been taken out of the room, and came back only with tears, "Jimmy's been shot," she said as she retreated to a corner with Paige, who held her closely, trying to hush the poor girl's tears away. I remember my heart sinking the lowest it had ever been. I regretted a lot of things then, about how I never tried to be friends with Jimmy after our final break up, or how I had ruined it in the first place, when I had carelessly taken ecstasy at a party. It was as if I wanted to revert back to my 'Goth' days when I first heard the news, however, when I was called up from the room to talk to my stepbrother, Toby, I knew I had to be strong, and not hide behind a shield of thick eyeliner. When I reached Toby, he was crying.

My mouth barely could escape his name, "Toby?" and I was certain my voice sounded weak, but with compassion. I had never felt much love for my younger step brother before. I actually had always resented him, and never really said anything to him in the hallway in school or at the dinner table. He was crying, this was the first time I saw him as someone other than the computer geek who happened to be my step dad's son. He was very unstable; it reminded me a lot of how I was after Jimmy broke up with me because of my ecstasy episode. His face was in his hands, and he was up against a wall in the room. The school's therapist, Emma, and Sean were all together along with Mr. Simpson discussing what they were feeling. They smiled at me and motioned for me to join them, but I found myself drifting towards my step brother. No words were exchanged as both of our grieving faces met – I was upset about Jimmy, and I'm pretty sure Toby blamed himself for everything because that's how I'd feel if I was in his year younger shoes. Maybe he was stronger than I expected, because he was the one who stood up, and hugged me. "Do you remember, we used to be really close to Jimmy," he whispered to me as a tear carelessly fell down my cheek. I nodded as I took in a deep breath. "Jimmy's been shot, Ash, where do we go from here?"

I remember when I first took Jimmy home to meet my newfound step brother. It was the summer before I was student body president, when I was going to be a proud and awesome eighth grader. Jimmy and I proudly walked up towards my new step brother, hand in hand, and I said in a bold tone, "Yeah, this is the one that came with the marriage." Toby was mad, but he played it cool, as he looked at Jimmy. Now Jimmy was an only sibling, much like me, and so Jimmy was happy to be dating a girl with a younger brother now. He gave the little pipsqueak a high five, and spent a lot of the day outside, hanging out with Toby showing him how to hit a basket from the three point line. He also gave Toby lessons on how to be suave with girls. When Jimmy broke up with me, Toby was the most devastated. He was mad at both of us for sure. He was mad at me because I was the idiot who took ecstasy, and he was mad at Jimmy for leaving him behind. He always wanted to get Jimmy's admiration back.

That's why he offered to hack into the computer and raise Jimmy's grades so he could stay on the Varsity basketball team, even though he knew he'd get caught. He was hoping Jimmy would remember how they used to be buddies, and were almost like brothers at one point in their young lives. That's what he told me when I asked why he would do such a stupid thing.

He must been really excited when Jimmy had to join the quiz team because of Heather Sinclair's mono episode. It was a chance to reconnect with Jimmy and make a valuable friend. Toby wasn't necessarily very popular, and was losing whatever friends he had just because he was being nice to Rick.

"Ash? Are you going to reply? You've been crying for a while," Toby said. I looked at him. I couldn't find my voice. Everything I had been through at Degrassi, how Craig cheated on me, how I had battled over my episode with ecstasy, it meant nothing right now. I still wasn't as strong as my brother right now. He was the one managing to talk, and he had seen things – not me. "Are we going to visit Jimmy?"

I had to reconnect with reality, and get the courage to speak up. Toby needed me, even if it appeared that I needed him more, "Toby, we'll see him… Is mom coming soon?" I knew they had called mom. Why wouldn't they call her after an episode like this? I'm sure they were calling every parent, but my step brother was in the middle of all of this drama, and he took precedence.

Toby nodded his head while a few tears went down his cheek. "Yeah, she's coming anytime soon to pick us up," we were very quiet in our corner of the room as the school's therapist came up towards us, giving a warm comforting hug.

"It's good you have each other right now. But I'm sorry Toby… could I talk to Ashley for a moment?" I watched my step brother's reaction. He nodded rather reluctantly, and pulled away. He went to sit near a computer away from everybody else and took off his glasses. He was trying to rub his tears away. The therapist gave a warm smile to me, "Ashley, I'm to understand that you and Jimmy previously dated," I nodded my head to what she said. "Was Toby close to him while you dated?"

My mouth finally found the courage to speak up, even though it was a whisper, "We were all close to him as a family," I began to explain. I kept looking at Toby to be brave. "Toby saw Jimmy as a brother."

The therapist nodded, all she seemed to do was analyze our situation, "I suppose so. That's what he's most upset about. Not the fact that he witnessed Rick's death." I got snappy at that line.

"Well, of course, Rick was a monster, a psychopath, he didn't deserve to come back after what he did to Terry," somehow my heart felt bad that I didn't get this upset about Terry's accident with Rick. The thing is that Jimmy could lose his life right now.

"Of course, but death is a hard thing to witness," the therapist interjected my thoughts about how I was more mad right now than I had ever been in my life. I had to get over several bombshells before, too. When my dad told me he was gay, I was mad then. When Sean first showed me the ecstasy tablet, I was mad then, too. I have a tendency, however, to do stupid things when I'm mad.

I was snappy when I said, "Hey, can I go back to my brother now? He needs me." She nodded and walked away. I walked up towards Toby. I felt more like a mom than ever. He was playing with his thumbs while I grabbed his hands and cupped them around my own. "Toby, we'll get through this," I nodded before beginning to cry as we hugged and embraced.

I was gladder than anything when my mom came to pick us up and take us home. I walked out hand in hand with my step brother and mother. We were all terribly concerned. "I can't believe it, about Jimmy," she shook her head. "He was always so sweet," my mother was a lot like me. We tried not to wear our heart on our sleeve, so I had never really seen her cry before. I guess this experience taught me several things about my family I had no clue really existed. There were camera people all over us, and especially in Toby's face. It got me angry. And like I've said before, I do stupid things when I'm angry.

"Look, could you get off our cases. We just experience a huge bombshell in our life. Get away from Toby," I nearly smacked down one of the reporters. They stayed away from us after that, although, my anger was in the evening news. It was justifiable in my opinion.

Author Notes

Well, this is my first fan fiction piece in a long time. This isn't going to follow what happens in the Degrassi series from here on out, and I'm still debating if Ashley should always be the narrator. I hope you guys enjoyed the story and look forward to the next chapter. As always, reviews are appreciated, especially since I have none at this new account! If you leave a question, I'll try my best to reply to it in the Author note's or personally e-mail you or something.

If you didn't like this and have valid criticism, please leave it here. I like reading constructive reviews. Scratch that, I love reading reviews that aren't sugar coated.