Buffy looked in the mirror, a weary look on her pale face. She couldn't take this anymore. Why was it so hard? It's not like she'd never been alive before. There were tons of people who had it worse then her. She knew there was… she'd helped them when she was in her heaven.

She knew they thought they were doing her good… she needed to keep them thinking that. So that they would be happy. But if she really needed to tell you truthfully what she was feeling… she wouldn't care. She wouldn't care how they felt. They did this to her, now they can deal with it.

The Basement Of the Magic Box

Buffy walks down the stairs, holding a cardboard box in her arms. She sighed, "And over… and over… and over…" She gets to the bottom step and Spike comes out from underneath the stairs, she screams in surprise and both of them jump. "Bell, neck, look into it."

"Come with a nice leather collar, does it?" Spike asked with a smirk.

"What are you doing lurking around here?" She asked putting the box down on a table.

Spike sighed, "Came through the tunnels," Holds up a handful of vines. "Runnin' low on Burba weed." He smiled, proudly. "Stir it in with the blood, makes it hot and spicy."

Buffy gives him an "ew" face and sighed, her look softening into a weary one. "How much more do you need?" Spike asked.

Buffy sighed, "Too much." She looks up at him, her eyes soft. Tired. "I-I'm sorry about the other night." She said, "I was…"

"Don't worry about it." Spike told her, "We all break down at one point."

"It's… it's just a lot… you know?"

"Kinda." Spike answered. "Can't really tell you I know exactly what you're going threw." He tilted his head to the side.

"Red roses." Buffy whispered after a long pause. She seemed lost in thought. "You put them next to me." She closed her eyes, "I was surrounded by them, tons of flowers." Buffy opened her eyes and looked at Spike's shocked blue orbs. "You came up to me, whispered…"

Spike gulped moving to Buffy, "You-you remember that?"

She looks at him, "So it really happened?" She asked, "I-I thought it was my dream."

"That was your wake."

Buffy nodded, "Everything is so… blurry." She looked down, "It's like… the memories are there. But—it's like there it a cloud shielding them from me."

"You don't remember where you were?"

"I… I remember some." She answered. She looked at him, shocked. She almost told him. "T-the torture." She lied. Buffy moves and sits on a chair next to a wooden table. "I kinda… came down here to be alone."

"Oh. Uh, right then." Spike moves to the tunnels.

"Wait…" Buffy called. "You… you can stay."

Spike walks a little closer to her, "Buff?… Slayer? Are you okay?"

Buffy looks like she's going to cry, she gulps, takes a deep breath and nods at him. "I'm here. I'm good." She whispered.

He walks to her, "Buffy, if you're in… if you're in pain… or if you need anything… or if I can do anything for you…."

Buffy looks up at him, "You can't."

"I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late. I know a thing or two about torment." He sits beside her on the wooden table.

Buffy looks down at her hands, "I was happy." She whispered. Spike turns to her, confused, "Wherever I was… I was… happy." She looks at him. "At peace."

Spike looks at her, shocked.

"I-I'm not really sure… but I knew everone I cared about was okay… Time… it just didn't matter. Nothing had form… but I was still… me." She looks away again. "I was warm. Loved. And I was finished. Complete." She looks at him a tear slipping from her eye. "I don't understand the dimensions or… any of that. But… I think I was in heaven."

"And now I'm not… I was torn out. Pulled out… by my friends." Buffy sobbed, "Everything here is so hard, Spike, Everything I feel. Touch… knowing what I had and don't anymore… This is hell."

She looks at him, shocked. She just told him everything. Buffy chocked on a sob, her insides twisting. "I… I'm sorry." She whispered standing.

Spike stared at her, trying to register everything she'd just told him. Shock taking over his body. The woman in front of him was even worse off then he'd thought she was. "I'm sorry." He chocked out.

"What? You didn't-"

"I should have… should have known… should have tried to stop them" HE said looking up at her, "To busy watching Dawn, God! Why didn't I see it?!" He closed his eyes. "Why didn't they check?" He asked, his body filling with anger.

"Buffy! Where's that mandrake root?" Giles' voice is heard from above them.

Buffy quickly whipped her tears away and took a deep breath, "I-I'm getting it!" Buffy yelled back. Buffy turns to Spike, "Please, you can't tell them." She tells him, "Never."

Spike watches her look around; he turns to a shelf and grabs a jar off of it, "Here." He handed her the jar, "Only three to a jar. They tend to get… wonky when you cram 'em together."

Buffy nodded looking at the jar, "Thanks." She whispered, "For… everything."

Spike gave her a reassuring smile, "You… you can come to my crypt if you want." Spike told her, "Cleaned up a lot since you last saw it. We can… talk… you know. If you don't have anyone else."

Buffy licked her dry lips and nodded, "That… that would be good."

TBC…

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