Authors Note: Okay, I really don't know if this chapter is any good because I have a high fever right now and my brain is kind of muddled. I reread it a couple times to make sure that I'm not just being random. I think it all fits together. If it doesn't make sense though tell me and I'll rewrite it when I feel better.

Chapter Eleven

Deaths Finest Hour

It's been three days since I've last seen or even heard from Angel. The moment he left the apartment was the last time I laid eyes upon him. I've been searching the streets almost religiously, walking around calling his name until my voice had gone hoarse, and still I persisted. What was I supposed to do? It was my fault he had left. I couldn't just sit around that dingy little apartment waiting for him to come back, I had to find him. But even after relentless hours of searching, I have yet to see a single hint to where he is.

I don't think I've really eaten or slept since he's been gone. My minds been totally focused on him. The despair I saw in his eyes the other night had chilled me to the very bone. I don't think I had ever seen him this way. He was always the strong one, never letting me see his pain. Sure it was there, but it was always kept hidden deep under the surface, only once before was it let out.

That Christmas is one I will not soon forget. The way he stared out over the city as I found him, begging me to let him die, the words to this day still haunt me. I had never before seen him so upset. This man had been through everything and held his chin high all the way through. To see him not wanting to go on in life was a blow to the gut. This is why I had to find him. If he was to.... No, I would find him before anything like that happened again.

Opening my senses as I had done before, I followed the tingle that always meant Angel. Closing my eyes I walked down alley after alley, all the while the tingle was getting stronger. When I reached a small dark house I rapped my fist on the door until someone would answer. Expecting to see Angel answer, I was surprised when Connor revealed himself on the other side of the doorway.

"Connor I don't know what to do. Angel's been missing for three days now and..."

"Buffy calm down."

"Calm down? How can you ask me to calm down? He's gone Connor, you hear me? Gone!"

"No," he said slowly, "He's actually right through there."

I stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

Connor took me by the hand and led me into the adjoining room. As I rounded the corner I saw Angel sitting on a sofa looking as if he was completely relaxed. A book lay open on his lap, his head rested in one hand, while his feet were propped up against the table.

All this time I had been worrying my self sick about him. Thinking that he was dead or in some sort of trouble, when in actuality he had been here living it up.

"You bastard." I said through gritted teeth.

His eyes snapped upwards widening for a brief moment before he looked back down to his book. "Nice to see you too." He commented wryly.

I reached over to the bookshelf by me, grabbing the heaviest volume I could get a hold of and threw it at his head. Thanks to his vampire reflexes, he was able to duck at the last minute. "All this time I've been out on the streets looking for you and you've just been right here!"

"You were out on the streets?" Connor's voice came from behind me.

"I thought he was in trouble!" I yelled, turning on him.

"Buffy that doesn't matter. You can't be out there..."

"Shut up! I don't really care about why I can't be out there. All that mattered at the moment was the man that I love was possibly in danger." He went silent after that. Turning to Angel I stalked over to him, my finger pointed out accusingly. "And you! You couldn't' come home after your little tryst with that two bit whore? Is that so much to ask?"

He slammed his book shut. "Don't talk about things you know nothing about."

"I know that your god damn soul is in danger every time you go out and fuck her! Is it worth it? Do you enjoy the fact that every time you sleep with her you might possibly unleash Angelus?"

He laughed. "Somehow I highly doubt that'll happen."

"And why the hell not?"

"Sex was never the issue. And if you were Buffy, you'd know that."

"Here we go again! Suddenly I'm not Buffy. What do I have to do to make you believe I'm her? You said my name back at the apartment, somewhere deep down you must know it's me!" People had started to file in from others rooms as they heard my voice carry throughout the house.

Getting up he grabbed his jacket off of a nearby chair. 'Thanks for letting me stay here Connor, but I think I better start heading home."

"Oh no you don't." I tugged on his arm. "You don't get to walk away from things this time."

Whirling around, he full out glared at me. "Fine! What do you want to know?"

His eyes had darkened to the point of where they were almost black. I was always able to tell when he was ready to snap, the way his eyes changed so quickly this time around almost scared me. I took a deep breath anyways and asked the question that no one could seem to answer. "Why don't you believe who I am?"

He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. He was looking at me strangely. Almost as if he didn't expect me to ask that of all questions.

"Come on Angel, you said you'd tell me! Why don't you believe I'm me?"

He licked his lips. "Because..." His fists were clenching at his side. "Because..."

"Because why!"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD!" The moment the words left his mouth he closed his eyes. "You've been gone for over three hundred years."

Everything stopped.. The surrounding light seemed to dim as the world around me spun in circles. Dead. That's all that kept repeating in my mind. How could I be dead? I would remember something like that wouldn't I? Everything seemed to be pressing in on me at once causing my intake of breaths to increase ten fold.

"What?" I whispered "No." I shook my head slowly, not taking my eyes off of Angel. "You must be mistaken. I can't be... be dead."

"Your are." He said bitterly.

Red clouded my vision as the room spun even faster. "I-I need to sit down." I practically fell onto the sofa that Angel had previously vacated. Why couldn't I remember this? Death is pretty much a defining moment in your life. Why couldn't I remember what happened to me? I pressed my hands to my face as I tried to think of the fateful moment in time that had brought me here. But nothing would come. Everyone I ever knew and loved died a long time ago, and knowing my life style, probably with me. Was it an apocalypse that took my life? Was my sister with me? Flashes of tears and Dawn filled my vision but they wouldn't make any sense to me. Trying desperately not to cry I got up and stormed out of the room into the pouring rain.

The tears from the sky plastered my hair to my cheeks as I ran. I'm not sure where I was going, I just had to get away. Maybe if I ran long enough I'd wake up to find that this was all a dream. That I was still back home in my nice warm bed with my sister not even ten feet away from me. But I knew this wasn't going to happen. Deep down somewhere I knew this whole time that I had been dead. It was really the only logical explanation for things. How else could I have missed three hundred years? But why me? Why did my life always have to suck like this? I didn't get it. Since I was fifteen years old I have been saving the world, out in a graveyard every damn night fighting back the forces of evil. I have thwarted apocalypse after apocalypse, so what did I do to deserve waking up in this hell hole?

Screams echoed down an alley. Stopping, I turned and slowly approached the please for help. A young girl sat on the cold alley floor trying to protect herself from the attacker above. In his vamped out face he slammed fist after fist filled with rings into her tiny body. The way her hair flowed down to her waist reminded me of Dawn. So the moment the girl uttered yet another scream I ran forward.

With all my might I was able to pull the unsuspecting vamp off of her, giving her a look. Taking my cue, she ran as fast as she could from the alley. The vamp growled at me as he saw his meal flee.

Before he could say anything though I hit him. Before I knew it my fists were nothing more then a motion of blinding fury. Blood sprayed the walls as my knuckles, and his face, cracked open from the force of the punch. Nothing mattered at the moment. Nothing. This vile thing was going to kill some innocent for a midnight snack. Some innocent that looked like my little sister. Dawnie.

I felt like my whole being was clouded in some sort of smoke as I pummeled the monster over and over again. The real me was in there somewhere, but right now the slayer in me had come out to play, and she was pissed.

I deserved some semblance of peace didn't I? I mean, you would think that the powers would make sure of that when I died. Make sure that their warrior of light was happy. But no. Instead they decided to wait a good three hundred years and then smack me into a world that I know absolutely nothing about and where the only person left that I can even remember hates me. That to me just doesn't seem to fair.

Finally deciding to end the pain of the thing beneath me, I grabbed a piece of wood from a nearby broken crater and slammed it into the vampire's heart. I watched as the dust settled on the ground, mixing in with the overhead rain. Maybe I did deserve this. After all, I myself have caused so much death and destruction, maybe in some screwed up sense, this was my payment. Yes, they were vampires that I had killed, but what about the people I couldn't save? All of the victims that lay broken on the ground when I was a fraction of a second late to their saving, was my fault. My mom, Ms. Calendar, Xander's best friend Jessie, all of them. They were dead because of me.

Leaning back against the wall I cried. Great heaving sobs came through me, grieving for all the people that I couldn't save. For all the people I wasn't there for. My friends, my family, they had all died because I wasn't alive to save them. After mom's death I was pretty much a shell of a person, not caring if the grapple in the graveyard would be my last. So it came to me. When I died, did I want that death? Did I crave it? Crave the peace that is supposed to come with the stopping heart?

I pressed my hands to my ears trying to stop the noisy questions from filling my head. I couldn't understand any of this, as hard as I tried, I just couldn't.

I don't know how long it was that I sat like that in the alley, rocking back and fourth. But soon two strong arms came around me, lifting me into their lap.

"Leave me alone Connor." I sobbed into his shirt.

"I'm not Connor."

I froze. Not daring to believe it until I knew for certain, I let my eyes wander upwards. Deep brown eyes met my wet green ones. "Angel?"

"Shh..." he said gently, pushing a lock of my blonde hair away from my eyes.

I flung my arms around him and buried myself as deep as I could into him. I had been waiting so long to be in his arms again, everything felt right here. But I never imagined getting here would be so painful.

"Come on." He whispered into my ear. "We got to get you home. You'll catch a cold." He started to maneuver me out of his arms, causing me to cry out and cling to him tighter in total desperation. "Hey, it's okay. I'm right here." He soothed, rubbing the small of my back in slow circles.

"Don't let go." I begged through the everlasting sobs.

A moment of silence passed, then I felt myself being lifted. "Never again." He breathed, as he carried me back home.