Again, not my characters, etc.,etc.
Happy reading!
Seeing the extent of the damage for the first time, John shuddered and was amazed that he had escaped relatively unharmed. Gordon guided Thunderbird 3 around a slow orbit of the station and the four of them gazed out at the damaged station in silence.
The craft juddered slightly as the docking clamps locked on firmly and Gordon shut down the engines. John frowned in concern as he stood from his chair and felt his legs trembling beneath him. His heart was racing and again the flutter of the butterflies in his stomach made him nauseous.
"Life support holding." Brains offered merrily as he peered at the readouts on the cockpit console before him. "Oxygen levels n-n-n-n-okay."
Virgil nodded and stood to approach the side hatch. He opened the inner door and stepped into the airlock, waiting for the gentle hiss of the air equalising around him.
John followed behind Brains and Gordon and made his way through the inner door. He gasped as an all too familiar smell of burning filled his nose and suddenly he couldn't move.
Brains glanced back momentarily and frowned as he saw John frozen in place, one foot inside the airlock. "John?"
John closed his eyes and tried to ignore the panic that arose within him as suddenly the missile hit replayed over and over in his mind.
"John?"
John opened his eyes and saw that Gordon had hurried back and was now standing before him, a worried frown hanging over his eyes. "I can't ..." John managed in a whisper.
"What?" Gordon urged, "What's wrong?"
John swallowed back the bitter taste in his mouth and slowly composed himself. "Nothing." He managed a thin smile and stepped further into the airlock. "I'm okay."
Gordon nodded and placed his hand on John's arm in reassurance. He looked back over at Brains and Virgil and saw the concern that matched his own.
John walked slowly behind Gordon towards the other side of the airlock and peered into the station beyond the door. The stale smell of charred plastics caught in his tight throat and he instinctively covered his hand with his mouth. He turned and rushed back into the relative safety of Thunderbird 3.
"John?" Gordon was soon hurrying after him and watched in apprehension as his brother sank heavily into one of the flight deck seats and let his head fall into his gloved hands.
"I can't ..." John repeated huskily, "Oh god ... I just ..."
"Hey ..." Gordon crouched down in front of John and placed his hands on his brother's arms. His frown deepened as even through layers of gloves and flight suit he could feel John trembling.
"I ... uh ... oh god ..." John sat up straight and closed his eyes tightly as he shook his head to try and clear the images that played out endlessly. He took a deep shaky breath and groaned as the sickening smell filled his lungs again. Reaching up to rip open the collar of his flight suit, John pulled at the material that seemed to be suddenly too tight. "I can't breathe!" He gasped in fright, "Oh god ... I can't breathe ..."
Gordon swallowed back the lump in his throat that seeing his elder brother so distressed had caused. He turned to see Virgil and Brains watching from the airlock and shook his head in confusion.
Brains put down the various packs and files he had been clutching tightly and stepped carefully back through the inner door. "John ... it's okay ..." He shrugged his shoulders slightly, "It was a traumatic ex-ex-ex-time for you ... but the station is safe ... there's no danger now ..." He edged closer and leaned down to place his arm around John's shoulders.
John flinched at the touch and winced as his hand went to his injured shoulder. He stood suddenly and closed his eyes as his head swam dizzily. "No!" He steadied himself on the console beside him and then slowly began to back away from the door. His retreat halted abruptly as he met the inner hull of Thunderbird 3 and he groaned as the contact jarred his shoulder. "I can't!" John urged in renewed panic as the pain in his shoulder brought the memories into sharper focus. "I can't go in there! I can't!"
Gordon could feel tears welling in his eyes as he saw how scared his brother was. He turned to look up at Brains and found only uncertainty in the scientist's kind face.
"It's okay, John." Virgil stepped down from the airlock and quickly crossed the room to stand before his brother. "You don't have to go in." He looked back at Gordon and Brains and managed a thin smile of reassurance. "You guys go ahead and make a start. I'll stay with John." He watched them nod in agreement and they then headed back up into the station.
"I can't, Virg." John husked quietly and closed his eyes again as he leaned his head back against the hull of the craft.
"It's okay, John ... take it easy." Virgil soothed softly and carefully placed a gloved hand on John's arm. "Take all the time you need."
John frowned and suddenly stepped away from the wall, dragging his sleeve across his face. "God, it's hot in here!" He gasped and fell into the chair beside him. He tore off his gloves and hooked his fingers into the neckline of his undershirt to pull it away from his throat.
Virgil stepped closer to John and leaned against the console beside him. "It'll pass," He offered gently, "You just need a moment."
John nodded and managed a thin smile up at his brother.
"It must have been damn scary to be caught in the blast up here." Virgil continued.
John closed his eyes and swallowed back the bile in his throat.
"I think I'd freak if I'd been through something like that."
"I'm not freaking!" John argued suddenly and glared angrily up at Virgil. "I'm just ..." he groaned and stood slowly. Turning towards the airlock again, he took a deep breath and tried to ignore the sinking of his stomach. "I'm not freaking." He repeated firmly and strode across to the door.
Virgil smiled merrily as he saw that his reverse psychology had worked and John had risen to the challenge in his words. He followed John up into the station and then gasped as his swiftly retreating brother suddenly threw him back against the wall of the airlock.
John stumbled back into Thunderbird 3 and doubled over, clasping his hands over his mouth. It was too late. The little that he had managed for breakfast came spluttering up to spray the floor of the flight deck.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff listened to the low rumble that moved through the house and watched the display on the computer before him as it indicated the docking progress of the returning craft. He wanted to hurry to meet them as they disembarked but somehow knew that this would not be welcome. Sinking back against the soft leather of his chair, he closed his eyes and mulled over again the message that Virgil had sent before they had left the station.
He had known something wasn't right. There had been something in John's tired blue eyes when they had sat together at breakfast that morning and his son had been too quiet, even by John's standard. An opportunity to talk to John had not risen before the four of them had then left for the station and Jeff now wished he had spoken longer with him last night.
Quick footsteps approaching the office brought Jeff from his musing and he turned to see Virgil hurrying towards him.
"Hey, Dad."
Jeff smiled briefly in greeting. "Where is he?"
"He went straight down to the cliffs." Virgil shrugged, "Said he needed some air."
Jeff nodded thoughtfully.
"He lost it, Dad." Virgil added carefully. "Totally freaked."
Jeff stood slowly from his chair and took a deep breath. "Thanks for bringing him back. It was the right thing to do."
Virgil smiled thinly and then sighed. "You want me to get back up there?"
Jeff frowned in thought and then gently put his arm around Virgil's shoulders to lead him back through to the main house. "In a little while." He nodded, "Have a break from the flight first."
Jeff strode slowly along from the pool and headed down the stony path towards the low cliffs in front of the house. He squinted in the bright late morning sun and peered at the figure sitting out near the edge of the rocky shelf.
John hugged his knees tighter against his chest and gazed out across the sea. Waves crashed against the base of the cliff somewhere below him and thin refreshing spray found its way up to him on the gentle wind. He heard footsteps behind him and closed his eyes, hot tears dribbling down his flushed cheeks.
Jeff carefully sank to the ground and stretched his legs out before him. He leaned back on his arms and sighed heavily.
It seemed an age before either of them spoke and John's voice was quiet as he began. "I'm sorry."
Jeff turned his gaze from the crystal blue expanse of sea to the huddled form of his son and he frowned slightly. John had slipped off the top half of his flight suit and it lay on the ground around his hips. The white undershirt beneath was damp with sweat and Jeff groaned quietly.
"I don't know what happened ..." John continued thinly and closed his eyes, lowering his head to rest his chin between his knees.
"It was too soon." Jeff offered carefully and looked back out at the sea. "You need time."
John mulled this over for a moment and then turned to look at his father.
"Why didn't you talk to me, John?" Jeff glanced at his son and his heart sank as he saw how pale John's face seemed in the bright sun.
John shrugged and swallowed back the lump in his throat. "I don't know." He let go of his knees and slowly crossed his legs beneath him, resting his arms in his lap as he moved to face his father. "I guess ... I guess I thought I'd be okay."
Jeff nodded slowly and a gentle frown again settled over his eyes. "You have no idea how it felt when your emergency signal came through. I thought ... for a moment I thought ..." Jeff cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "It would destroy me to lose any of you but ... you ..." He managed a thin smile. "My rock ... my conscience ..."
John chuckled suddenly and rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Yeah, yeah! Good old sensible, responsible John!"
"Yeah!" Jeff urged sternly and his frown grew. "I don't know what the hell I would have done without you in the years after your mother died. You have know idea how much your constancy, your strength ..."
John watched the emotion that crossed his father's face and held his breath. He had often suspected that the occasional late night talks were exclusive to his ears only but to hear it first hand made his heart sink. He was relied upon. He was supposed to be strong. He had failed.
"Perhaps I expected too much ... demanded too much ..." Jeff offered quietly.
John closed his eyes and searched within him for the right response but all he could think of was the way his father had held Alan last night. He would give anything to be young again. To feel able to give in to the tears and have them soothed by his father's touch, despite knowing that even this would perhaps not be enough.
"Talk to me, John." Jeff urged softly.
John cleared his throat and stood slowly. "I'm gonna go get cleaned up." He replied huskily and headed up into the house.
The hot water was soothing despite the stinging across his back and he leaned further forward into the jets. Resting his arms against the wall either side of the shower, John steadied himself against the powerful flow of water and let it pound against his skin. It was only a few moments before the tears then came and amid the noise of the shower he allowed himself to cry.
He had considered pulling on a fresh flight suit but decided that it would only be kidding himself. There was no way he was going back up there again today. He slid his jeans up over his hips and shuddered as he suddenly wondered if he would ever be able to return to the station.
John heard them talking in low voices as he walked along the hallway towards the lounge. He paused just behind the entrance to the immense room and let himself listen for a moment.
"It was weird." Virgil concluded with a sigh. "He just completely freaked. I've never seen John like that."
"Who knows what goes on in his head?" Scott ventured evenly, "He spends most of his life alone up there."
"Only because one of us has to." Virgil argued, "Personally, I'm grateful for the fact that he doesn't seem to mind. I think I'd go crazy up there on my own." He seemed to pause for a moment to contemplate this notion and then groaned softly. "D'you think that's what's happened? D'you think John's gone mad?"
"Of course not!"
John flinched at the sudden shout and then smiled as he heard his father defending him firmly.
"He just needs time. He'll be fine." Jeff stated sternly and then sighed heavily. "I hope."
"Maybe he should see someone ... to be sure." Scott suggested carefully. "It's easy to justify all this but ... we don't want to miss something ..."
"What?" Virgil asked quietly, "What do you mean?"
"You know ... don't you, Dad." Scott answered. "We've both seen it ... even strong, good men suddenly crumbling."
John frowned in confusion and could feel anger brewing inside him as he listened to his brother's betrayal.
"Post trauma stress." Jeff mumbled thoughtfully.
"So he is crazy." Virgil surmised.
John had heard enough. He cleared his throat loudly and strode into the lounge. "Hey guys." He smiled merrily and wandered across to where they sat together at the large table beside the kitchenette. Their uneasy silence gave him a strange sense of satisfaction and he watched them worry for a second whether he had overheard them.
"Hey John." Jeff smiled up at him and then frowned gently. "You feeling better?"
John shrugged slightly, "I guess." He turned to Virgil and chuckled softly. "Listen, I'm sorry for wigging out on you up there. I don't know what happened – I didn't mean to scare you."
"No problem." Virgil replied with a smile. "You gonna make another go of it and come back with me."
"I ..." John sighed and shrugged his shoulders again.
"Perhaps you ought to take a break, John." Jeff offered warmly. "You were about due one anyhow. Head over to the mainland and clear your head."
John caught sight of the uncertainty on Scott's face and turned to him in interest.
Scott held his gaze evenly. "Maybe you should just get over it."
"Scott!" Jeff warned angrily.
"It's okay, Dad." John offered calmly and walked round the table to stand in front of his brother. "Let him say what he wants to say."
Scott shrugged his shoulders. "We've all been there, John. We face danger each time we leave on a mission. I know it's your first real experience of that reality but you just have to deal with it." He watched the lack of response on his brother's face and frowned slightly. "All of us have had a close shave at some time or another but we didn't - "
"Didn't what?" John demanded in annoyance. "I'm a scientist, Scott. I don't have the military experience you do."
"Neither does Alan." Scott replied evenly.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" John fumed, stepping closer to Scott.
"Stop it!" Jeff warned quickly.
Scott stood slowly and used his height advantage to look down at his brother with a thin smile. "Maybe you should follow the example set by your baby brother and just suck it in."
"That's enough!" Jeff ordered firmly and leapt to his feet. He glared a warning at Scott and then forced a smile to his lips as he turned to John. "We're different people ... we each need to deal with these situations in our own way."
Scott snorted derisively and sat slowly back down into his chair with a shake of his head.
Jeff sighed in dismay as he watched the open hatred on John's face as he glared at his brother. He knew disagreements between his sons were an inevitable part of family life but that didn't mean he had to like them. "John ..." He began carefully and waited for John to slowly turn his attention back to him. "I really think you should get away from here for a short time ... or however long you need ..."
John frowned slightly as he tried to read his father's even expression. "I guess ... if you think so, Dad."
"I do," Jeff nodded.
John took a deep breath and forced his clenched fists to relax at his side.
Jeff smiled warmly and then turned to look at Scott. "And you're about due for some shore leave also. You should go with him."
"What?" Scott jerked his head up from his sullen studying of the table and stared at his father in horror. "You're not serious?!"
"Dad, I don't need a babysitter!" John pleaded.
Jeff shook his head slowly. "None of us should be alone after something like this ... and you two need to settle your differences. End of discussion." He cautioned softly.
Scott groaned and stood from the table. He paused for a moment to glare at John and then stormed from the room.
John turned to his father and frowned slightly. He shook his head and sighed as he headed out through the lounge and into the midday sun.
Virgil regarded his father uneasily and then suddenly chuckled under his breath. "You do realise they'll kill each other."
Jeff shrugged and sipped at his now lukewarm coffee. "If that's what it takes." He offered thinly.