Authors Note: To answer eridani question, this story is completely independent. Thank you for asking though. I always love to hear questions and comments. Also, I would like to dedicate this chapter to dreamsof4ever who sent me one of the best reviews I've ever received. Thank you so much to take the time and write me such an amazing review. I'm so glad I was able to capture the characters. Thank you so much. This means a lot to me. So this chapter is for you, and I hope you enjoy it.  Thanks to all the others that reviewed, your guy's comments are what keeps me writing.

Chapter Eighteen

Blood Connections

He was leaning on his elbows looking at me and Connor. I couldn't decide weather I should run to him and throw my arms around him, or yell at him for keeping this all a secret from me. So I just stood there dumbly.

"I think I'll leave you two alone." Connor slipped out of the room, unnoticed by me.

"Buffy..."

He trailed off, as if he wasn't quite sure what he should say. He had known that he could have died tonight, that he still might die, and he had been going on like everything was normal. It wasn't to hard to figure out why he had held me so tightly when he came here, why he told me he loved me, why he put everything he possible could in that one bittersweet kiss. I looked down at my feet, not knowing what else to do. I had always been sure of what to do when I was younger. Everything always worked out in the end. I killed Angel, I killed myself, both to save the world, and both times, I didn't even hesitate. But now I feel powerless, like the Slayer inside me has suddenly left, leaving me standing in the middle of a foggy road, doomed to roam the rest of my life aimlessly. But isn't that what a slayers life is supposed to be like?

All the books always talk about the one girl, the one who was destined to kill the vampires and stop the forces of evil. Key word here is one. I've always had someone with me, helping me face my battles. Even when I went to kill Angel, Xander helped me do it. He got Giles out for me. And in the end, when the moment that still haunts my dreams came, Angel helped me. He helped me ram that sword through him. I did it because I loved him, because I knew he would hate himself if I sacrificed the world because of him. Now though no one was here to tell me what to do, to help me.

I was alone.

"Buffy, talk to me." He tried to sit up a little further in bed, and after much struggling he succeeded. Barley.

"How can I?" Was that my voice? Since when have I sounded so weak? So helpless?

"I know you're upset."

"I think I'm a little past upset right now." I looked at him, the fire coming back. I was the slayer. It was my duty to be strong. To do things others couldn't. My friends and family are gone, and there's nothing I can do to change that.

"I didn't want to tell you..."

"Why? Because you were scared of what I'd do? Or did you just not want to deal with the guilt of leaving me... again." This is the part where I had to shut down. The warrior in me was coming out to play now, taking away the weaker side of my persona. The side that shouldn't be shown. Not in a world like this. I let human emotions rule me, and because of that, people have died.

"That's not fair."

"Not fair?" I smiled bitterly. "Let's talk about fair. Was it fair to not tell me what the hell was going to happen tonight? Was it fair to let me sit here and not know if you were going to die or not? Was it fair that you were going to leave me without saying goodbye? Is any of that fair?"

"Buffy, if I had told you, you would have tried to stop me."

"Damn right I would have!"

"It has to end Buffy. People are getting hurt out there. It has to end."

"Then we'll find another way to end it."

"There is no other way! We have to kill Leon, that means killing the slayers."

"You'll die!"

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"Well I'm not!" I yelled.

"This isn't about you Buffy. This is about saving the people out there." He pointed to the window. "This is about making sure that they don't have to live in the dark anymore!"

"What is it with you people? All I'm asking is for us to try and find another solution! There has to be another way."

"What? You don't think I looked? Do you think I want to die?"

"I don't know what to think anymore."

Silence fell over the room as we quietly starred at each other. Everything about Angel and I always seemed to be heartache. That's all we've ever been to each other. In spite of all that though I still loved him. Or at least I think I did.

"It doesn't matter anyways." He finally broke eye contact with me and looked down at his hands. "The men sent out to capture Leon failed. They're dead. Leon had men waiting for them to arrive. He was long gone when they reached the scene."

"I could have told you that from the beginning." That's the one part that seemed to get to me. Angel knew that it was a slim to nothing chance for this mission to suceed tonight. So why'd they go through with it? Our chances to win were slowly breaking down one by one.

"We had to take the chance."

"So you killed innocent lives for a chance, while you laid here in bed. Very noble of you."

"Get out." He gritted out.

"No. Sorry Angel, I know it's your specialty to walk away when things get rough between us but since you're not in a position to move, you're going to have to sit and listen to what I have to say."

Crossing his arms and leaning back he looked at me, daring me to speak. "Go ahead and talk then."

That caught me off guard. I was expecting him to argue with me some more, not give in. I guess things really have changed around here.

"Well, I..."

He smirked that smirk that I used to think was so sexy, but now all I wanted to do was scream in rage at the sight of it. "Nothing to say?"

"We're going to talk this whole thing out Angel. Don't try to change the subject on me. You lied to me..."

"I didn't lie to you. I just chose not to tell you anything."

"Same difference."

"Not really."

"Would you stop!" He was purposely trying to get on my nerves now by contradicting everything I said. The old brooding boyfriend I had, had gotten courageous against me as time passed.

"What do you want me to say Buffy? That I'm sorry?"

"Yes!"

"Well you're not getting that. I'm not sorry for what I did, and if I had the choice, I'd do it all over again."

I started to pace the room, frantically thinking of ways to get him to talk, to open up. "Why are you being like this?"

"Leon needs to die Buffy."

"I know that. But that doesn't mean that you have to die too."

"Yes it does. We're connected."

"Don't give me that 'we're connected' crap because I know there's more to it then that. More then you're wanting to tell me."

A throat was cleared from the door way. Turning slowly, I set my blazing eyes on Connor, letting him know that this wasn't a good time.

"Sorry to interrupt this little love fest but some of the guys down stairs are wondering..."

"It didn't work. Leon's already regaining power." Angel answered his son sadly. "I can feel it."

Connor nodded once. "We'll try again later..."

"Not if I have anything to do with it." I glared at both boys angrily. Connor just backed out of the room, not wanting any part in my anger.

Taking deep ragged breaths, I ran my fingers though my hair, trying my hardest to calm down. To push that slayer in me down. Sometimes I just couldn't believe how fast I could turn around in my emotions. One second I'm upset, the next I'm pissed off. Willow used to tell me that I just built walls around myself to try and keep others from seeing me break down, from seeing my weakness. I'll never admit to it though.

"I want the whole story Angel. No more secrets. You've been trying to protect me from your past for to long now."

He looked at me. I mean really looked at me. Trying to see if I could handle the truth, the things he was about to say. Sighing he began his tale.

"Leon and I were both members of the Order of Arelius back in the eighteenth century. I guess you could call us friends. We ran together for years, pillaging, reeking havoc upon anything we could get our hands on." He wouldn't look at me while he spoke. Nothing really new I guess. He was never very proud of his past. I couldn't blame him either. "A couple of years after you... died, he came looking for me, hoping to restore the order. When I told him no, he couldn't understand why. It wasn't until a couple days later that he found out that I now had a soul. So he tried to remove it. He used a spell that most people don't know about. It would eventually bring Angelus back, but the only way to do that without having someone like Willow just restore me again, was for him to include his blood in the mix.

"The spell somehow failed, I think he might have got one of the procedures mixed up or something..." a small smile played on his face at the thought of Leon failing in life. "So he decided it would be in his best interest to kill me instead. Or at least that's what I thought."

"Why not just try the spell again?" I asked.

"It was one of those one time only spells."

"Sucks for him." I smiled.

"One night, he came to the hotel that I was living at. He... he and his lackeys, they came in without us knowing. I didn't sense them there until it was too late. He used one of those masking spells. They caught us off guard and while the rest of them were fighting my crew, Leon lured me outside. We were at it for hours. Trading blows and kicks, neither one of us gaining the upper hand. I don't know why we didn't notice it before, but every wound we would inflict on each other, the other one would get too. Leon was the first to realize it, so being the man he is, he stabbed himself. I thought that he had gone insane until I felt a pain in my gut. When I looked down, there was the same knife wound that Leon had on his stomach. I don't know how long we stood and looked at each other, trying to figure out just what the hell was going on..." He trailed off, almost like he was lost in the memory of the battle. Shaking his head he came back to me. "Out of the blue Leon just started laughing, almost maniacally. It was I realized that this fight wasn't about me. That he had never meant to kill me that night. I ran inside the hotel leaving him out in that alley. And I..." He was starting to shake again.

"Angel?" I put my hand to his forehead, cursing myself inwardly. I was supposed to be mad at him, not trying to give him comfort. His head was still burning up though.

"They were dead." He whispered after a few moments.

"Who?"

"Everyone. Every single one of my friends were lying on that ground, dead."

I sighed. What did this man ever do to deserve this? Hadn't he paid enough already?

"I remember smelling their blood before even seeing their bodies. It was everywhere. On the walls, the floor, the stairs..." He crossed his arms protectively around his chest. "I was lucky Connor wasn't there that night. I don't think I've ever been more glad that he's hated me except for that moment."

"Why wasn't' he there?"

"He didn't live there. He hadn't for a long time. Didn't really even come to see us except if we needed him. I don't think Leon even knew anything about him at the time."

Silence fell over the room. Both of us sat on that bed, our figures only illuminated by the soft firelight coming from the hearth. The pain that was rolling off of him made me want to cry. I wanted to curl up in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, that I was here now. But I couldn't lie to him like that. I didn't even dare to speak or move. He wasn't ready to hear my voice yet. He needed to get this out, but I couldn't interrupt. I had to let him do this on his own.

"I don't know how long I sat there, surrounded by their bodies, their sent. Connor finally found me. He heard on the street that Leon had came after us. He just stopped by to see if I was okay and..."

"And what?" I said when he stopped speaking for several minutes, inwardly I kicked myself for pushing him. He lifted his dark eyes up to mine, still not speaking a word. "It's okay," Usually Angel would never speak about his past because he was so afraid of me hating him for it. "Whatever it is, I can handle it."

"I can't though." He admitted softly. "I don't think I'm ready yet."

I reached out and took his hand in mine, squeezing it gently. "Okay."

After a few beats he continued, like nothing had even happened. "Leon's job from then on out wasn't to kill me, but was to break me. The moment he got home that night he cast a spell on himself, so that whatever I felt, he wouldn't. It protected him. He knew that the moment I had figured out what had happened I would just stake myself. I saw an Oracle after that. She told me that Leon and I would be bounded for eternity. Neither one of us would be able to exist without the other one."

"And Leon know all this too? About the fact that he can't kill you without you dying also?"

"That's the problem. I can die without him dying. The spell he did made it so that anything that happens to me wouldn't effect him. So if I die, he doesn't. But seeing how he destroyed all records of that spell, I have to feel everything he does. My life is pretty much in his hands." He squeezed my hand gently. "For years after that night he would do anything he possible could to try and make me stop fighting, try and make me willingly want it to be over, to give into Angelus. I don't even know how I've held on all this time." He shook his head softly in confusion.

"You've had too. For Connor." I told him, trying to help him realize something that it seemed I have only figured out. "No matter what happens between you two, you'll never leave him alone in this world, not until you know he'll be okay. I've seen the way you look after him. He's you're son, and that and that only is what matters to you in this world. If you became Angelus, you would kill Connor in an instant."

"I think that's what scares me most." He leaned back into the pillows and started playing with the edge of the sheet. "I've tried everything I possible could to try and kill Leon. But those slayers are the only way to do it Buffy. Believe me, I don't want to kill them, they're innocent. But it's the only way possible. They've been up there for so long they're probably praying for death."

"And you? You're just going to give up that easily, accept that you're doomed to die when Leon does?"

"Buffy, I've lived long past the time I'm supposed to. I'm ready to go."

"But I'm not ready for you too. And even though he denies it, Connor isn't either. What are we supposed to do without you here? I just got back. I don't know what to do with my life. My friends, my family, they're all dead. The only one I have left is you." I said pitifully.

"I don't want to leave you Buffy. And I sure as hell don't want to leave Connor. But we can't just not kill Leon because it would mean I go too. It wouldn't be right."

"I don't really care about wrong or right anymore. Angel, all our lives we've dealt with other people's problems. We've done everything that the powers have asked us too. I've died, you've died, our friends have died. Don't you think it's time that we get to be selfish?"

He smiled gently. I knew he had thought of the same thing time and time again. Taking what we wanted no matter what the consequences. "We can't Buffy. It's not in us to be selfish like that. We're champions for the good, if we gave into our temptations then..."

"Then we'd be just like the ones we're destined to fight. I know. Doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Believe me, I don't like it either."

I stood up and pulled the blankets up over him, making him lay down. Kissing him softly on the forehead I walked towards the door, letting him get his rest. The effect that Leon had had on him was still there.

Before I closed the door behind me though I stopped and stood leaning against the frame, not turning around. "You know that I'm not giving up. I'm still going to find a way for you to live."

He laughed slightly. "You wouldn't be Buffy if you didn't."

Quietly I shut the door and walked downstairs in search of Connor. He was in the study surrounded by books. Silently I took a seat next to him. "Any luck so far?"

"No. And I don't think there'll be anything in here either."

"Then why are you looking?"

He was quiet, almost to the point where I thought he wasn't going to answer me. Finally though he spoke, not even looking up from his book. "Because he deserves some semblance of happiness after everything he's been through."

I smiled slightly. "That's something we both agree on then." I picked up a book and began to flip through it, looking for anything that would help us with the fight against Leon, the rescue of the slayers, and hopefully, a way to keep Angel alive. He was out of the woods for the moment. That much I knew, but that also meant that Leon was safe and well too.

Sitting here in this small little study I was reminded of the old days. The days when I used to sit in the library for hours with Willow, Xander, and Giles, researching the latest feature creature. For a moment, it almost felt like home.