Disclaimer: The characters of GH, as well as General Hospital don't belong to me.
Summary: Jason can't stop thinking about Courtney, and now Courtney can't stop thinking about him. Takes place after Lorenzo's yacht blew up, when Courtney had warned Jason about the police set-up. Other than that, I may have fudged a few details to my advantage.
Author's Note: Originally, On the Way Down was supposed to be a one-shot, but I've decided to continue on with it. Chapter 2 is going to be from Courtney's POV, and then starting with chapter 3, I think I'm going to stop with 1st person POV so that I can bring in the other characters and their reactions. Hopefully this isn't too confusing for everyone, and I hope you like it.
The song is Farther Down by Matthew Sweet, and is on the soundtrack for Can't Hardly Wait.
Into you so far the words go
So much clearer than you hear
My head is spinning. Did I hear him right? Did Jason just tell me he loves me? I've been with him for maybe a minute and a half tonight and I'm more confused than ever. He was the last person I expected to see on the docks tonight, and while I'm not ashamed to admit that my heart fluttered like it always does when he pulled me into his familiar embrace, now that I'm here and he's telling me he loves me, I'm scared out of my mind.
Of course, being scared doesn't stop me from proclaiming my own love to him. I can't help it; the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Into you goes everything I know
No one else knows how I feelAnd then, just as suddenly as everything else that's already happened, he's kissing me. And oh my God, try as I might to be strong my body betrays me as my knees go weak and I have to hold on to him just to keep myself from falling.
In that one exact moment I love him and hate him just the same.
My hands fall from around his neck and slide down his shoulders so they're pressed against his chest. This feels right, my heart screams at me, betraying me just like my body has. I allow myself to kiss him a few seconds more. All at once Jason overpowers my senses. From the touch of the soft leather my hands are pressed against, to the sound of his breathing, to the taste of beer on his lips, he's consumed me.
It's not like this when Jax kisses me. Don't get me wrong, I've grown very fond of kissing Jax in the last few months, he's very good at it. But he's not Jason. He's not even close.
That's the whole point. Finally, my mind takes over once again. Jax isn't Jason. That's a big part of his appeal. That is his appeal.
My hands are still pressed against his chest and I use them to push us apart. By the look in his eyes I can tell that he's surprised and I have to admit, I'm pretty surprised myself.
"Courtney," his voice is low and confused.
I shake my head, not wanting him to say anymore. "I can't do this again," I whisper.
"Can't do what?"
"This." I gesture helplessly between him and me. "Jason, we're divorced. We can't keep falling into these passionate moments in the middle of the night only to pretend the next morning that they never happened."
"Then we won't pretend," Jason said, capturing both of my hands in his. He tries to pull me closer but I resist. "Courtney, you don't understand. I want us back. I want you back."
"Don't do this," I plead softly. "I'm moving on Jason. I never thought that would happen, but you know what? It has. And I can't keep playing this game of one step forward and two steps back. I'm not that strong."
"Courtney—"
"I'm sorry." I look at him once more and then I turn and walk away, leaving him standing there confused. I keep walking until I'm sure I'm out of his eyesight, and only then do I break into a run.
Farther down
I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down
I'm still without a clue
Till something
Something takes my pain awayInstead of running home, I find myself outside of Jax's loft. Acting before thinking as usual, I don't wonder if he's sleeping until I've pushed the doorbell.
"Courtney?" Jax opens the door and peeks out curiously. "Are you okay?"
Before the words are out of his mouth I'm in his arms and kissing him. I know it's wrong. I know I'm using Jax to forget about Jason.
Ask me if I care though.
He tries to pull away but I fight him, clinging to him desperately. My mouth is searching his, trying to erase the memory of kissing Jason. I can tell he's been drinking red wine, and briefly I wonder if he can taste Jason on me, but I push the thoughts from my head and continue kissing him.
Jax is stronger than me though, and finally, he escapes my grasp. "Courtney, what's going on?" he asks, bringing me into his loft and shutting the door behind him.
"I couldn't sleep." It was a half-truth. I had no intention of bringing up my encounter with Jason.
Jax smiles, and I can tell he's amused. "Dreaming of me again, are you?"
"Something like that." Okay, now I'm fully lying to him but I don't care.
"Care to fill me in on the dream?" Jax asks, sitting down next to me.
"No," I say, shaking my head. I lean in for another kiss and he complies. He's very cautious though, handling me as if I'm made of glass and that annoys me so I kiss him harder, trying to force him into something I'm not even sure I want.
I don't know how long we kiss but he's the first one to pull away again. "Courtney, are you sure?" he asks. "There's still 2 weeks left in the bet."
"Forget about the damn bet Jax!" I urge, pulling him close again. This time he doesn't let me kiss him.
"Courtney, tell me what's wrong, why are you acting like this?"
I sigh again, this time in frustration. "I'm tired Jax! I'm tired, and I'm unhappy, and I'm sad, and I don't want to be any of those things anymore." I look up into his sparkling blue eyes before finishing. "I'm not those things when I'm with you."
And I know I've said too much because his eyes sparkle a little less and his jaw tightens.
"What's Morgan done now?" he sighs.
"Asked me to go back to him." I look at my hands as I answer him.
"You said no?" Jax doesn't even try to hide the surprise that's evident in his voice.
"I ran away," I admit. I look up at him again. "I ran to you."
Jax is silent for a moment, and then he tilts my head up and looks me straight in the eye. "Courtney, go home," he says softly.
"What?" Those were the last words I expected to hear from him.
"Go home. As much as I want you, I don't want you this way. Not when you're just trying to forget about Jason."
It amazes me how well he knows me.
"So go home, and when you wake up tomorrow, if you still want this, then give me a call. Okay?" He smiles at me as he ushers me out the door. "Sleep tight," he says, kissing my forehead.
I stare at the door as it closes, completely dumfounded. Jax just kicked me out. He had every right to, but I still can't believe he did it.
I open my own apartment door and Rosie comes running from the other room to greet me. I grab a photo album off of the top of the shelf, and curl up on the couch with Rosie at my feet.
Only chance can change my fortune
So I'm not sure why I try
It's obvious now. I should have seen it before. I'm cursed. Cursed to be alone and unhappy and miserable for the rest of my life. I mean hell, life with AJ wasn't exactly perfect, and Jason and I have had more bad times than good. Jax, well yeah he was fun to be around, but did we have actual feelings for each other or were we just in lust?
And after the spectacle I made of myself tonight, would we ever be able to figure that out?
It's like my mom always said about running the blackjack tables. There is no luck, only chance. And maybe, just maybe, I've used up all my chances at being happy.
And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I gaze down at a picture of Jason and I at our rehearsal dinner. We looked happy in the picture, so we must have been happy, right? And its not like I didn't know what he did for a living at the time. Why did it become so hard to live with after that?
Because you lost your little girl after that. My hand automatically goes to my abdomen as I think of her. It was true though. All of our problems became a thousand times worse after I miscarried.
As if I could swim the ocean
As if you could start to fly
After that it was a constant push and pull between us. I couldn't excuse his violent life, and he couldn't leave it. That was what it all came down to really. We wanted each other to do the impossible and neither of us was willing.
Was he willing now?
Was I?
Before I can stop myself I throw the picture album across the room. Rosie lifts her head slightly but she's sleepy and her head drops again. At least someone's sleeping tonight.
It's ironic, I note bitterly. Being torn between two guys, neither of who is probably any good for me. Of course now, only now, when I've stopped denying my feelings for Jax, does Jason decide he wants me back.
I stare at the phone, knowing I shouldn't pick it up. But I have to; I have to apologize before I lose my nerve. I have to find out what's going on.
"Courtney?" He picks up immediately.
"Can you come over?" I ask. "We need to talk."
"I'm on my way." I hear the dial tone before I can reply so all that's left to do is wait.
Farther down
I'm desperate for you
Where you never have to know
Farther down
I'm still without a clue
Till something
Something takes my pain away
I hear him come off the elevator and my door is open before he can knock. I can tell that this amuses him, but I don't care.
"What happened tonight?" I ask him, searching his eyes for any information they might hold.
Jason sighs and drops his hands to his sides uselessly. "I don't know Courtney. I don't know what happened. But I meant what I said; I want you back. I want us to try and work this out. I think we can get back what we lost."
"Not everything," I say quietly, my hand resting on my stomach again. "Jason, too much has happened. We can't go back."
"Then we can go forward," he pressures. I stare at him in amazement, wondering if he is indeed drunk, as these are things Jason Morgan would never say to me.
"How?" I ask sadly. "It's not just you and me anymore Jason."
"Yes it is," he insists. "Courtney, do you love me?"
"You know better than to ask that," I admonish him gently. "But Jason, what about Sam and the baby? What about Jax?"
"We'll figure it out," he promises me, placing his hand on my arm and pulling me closer. "Anything you want, Courtney, I'll do it." His thumb traces my lower lip and I close my eyes, wanting to believe him.
"You can't make those kinds of promises," I whisper. I don't open my eyes, but I can feel his face inching closer to mine.
"I just did," he says before covering my mouth with his again.
I want to believe him, God, I want to believe him with my whole heart and soul, but I don't.
I don't stop kissing him either.
One night won't be so bad, I think as we edge closer to my bed. One night that would either be our final goodbye or our new beginning.
I just have to figure out which it is. But that will have to wait until tomorrow because all I can focus on right now are all of the wonderful things Jason is doing to me.
Something takes my pain away...