A/N:
A little bit of crack fiction inspired by watching the Sting and a Road Runner cartoon. As always, the Wizarding world belongs to the queen of witches, JKR. Thank you for allowing us to play in your sandbox!
Beep! Beep! Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the Acme Manufacturing Company. Please note no Road Runner were hurt in this story.
0o0o0o0
Harry woke with a start as he felt a weight drop directly on top of his chest. He fumbled his glasses on and cast lumus and tempus charms. Harry looked askance at Dobby and sighed. "Dobby, it's one o'clock in the eff'ing morning. Why are you waking me up?"
Dobby stood on his chest nervously stroking his long ears. I be's here to warn the Great and Wonderful Mister Harry Potter sir. I be's here to warn you about old little Bad Master. I overheard Draco plotting to harm the Mr. Harry Potter Sir!
"Wait a minute, Dobby. I'm going to ask you nicely to call me just Harry. Ok?"
"Ok Just Harry."
Harry face palmed and looked at him in disbelief. Dobby."
Dobby just continued on as if nothing had occurred. "As I was saying, I be's cleaning in the Slytherin dorms when I heard Draco talking to the Crabman and the Gargolye. He be saying that he wanted to get his hands on an Acme Manufacturing Catalog and buy stuff to get back at Potty and the Mudblood. Put the little upstart half blood in his place!"
Harry looked perplexed. "Did he say anything else Dobby?"
"Oh yes, he explained that he had been right behind two muggle born Puff scum on the way back from the library and he overheard them talking about someone brilliant. "Boys," he said, "The hunter is called Willy E. Chey a hoot e or something like that. He was a mighty hunter of Road Runners in the U-S of A and he used all sorts of equipment from Acme to help him. I guess roadrunners, they are some kind of delicatessen, in the U-S of A!" Dobby had a huge smile on his face. "I am so proud to warn the great Just Harry of danger!"
"It's OK Dobby, I'm grateful. I'll talk to Hermione tomorrow and plan how to confront this threat. No let me go back to sleep. I'm sure you will help me too."
Dobby was beaming as he popped away.
0o0o0o0
The next morning Harry was up early and went up to the twin's dorm room. He shook them awake. "Get up you two gits. I've the idea for a massive prank and I need your bright inquiring minds to brainstorm with me and Hermione. Be downstairs in the common room in ten." He turned on his heels and left them looking bewildered. "You know brother, this must be good. It's not every day ickle Harrykins wants in on a prank."
Ten minutes later they found Harry and Hermione at a table by the window in the common room.
"OK sit down you two, Hermione cast a privacy charm for us. It would not do for anyone to overhear this. Last night Dobby the elf visited me and told me that Draco is planning something to 'Get Back at Potty and the Mudbllod.' I intend to turn this around on him and embarrass him to no end. Hermione, you won't believe what he had in mind. Forge, have you ever heard of the Acme Manufacturing Company, or the Roadrunner?"
"No clue Harrykins."
Hermione burst out laughing. "Harry, are you trying to tell me he believes that cartoon is real?"
"Harry smirked. "Yes, and he does not have a clue and because of that we are going to make him look like an idiot."
Fred and George looked first at each other and then the other two, both with a bewildered look but keen to know more. "So Harrykins, 'you have some splaining to do.'"
"Well, I thought I'd run this by you three and have the smartest person I know and the two most creative persons I know help me work it out. I thought maybe we'd get Nev involved, Colin to take some pictures and maybe Luna so we could perhaps get it in her father's mag?"
They all paused a moment at Harry's statement and then burst out laughing. Neville was heading out of the common room and looked over and thought. 'Oh, oh, no way that is a good thing. Someone is going to be in for it.' He was still smirking five minutes later when he sat down in the great hall.
"You know Harry, said Fred, the best stings are when the Mark doesn't even know he's been had."
"Oh, yes boys and Girl, I want to get him, and he won't even know he's been played."
0o0o0o0
Harry slid into a seat next to Hannah Abbot and across from Susan Bones in the Great Hall. "Good morning, ladies. I was wondering if you had a few minutes to talk to me during breakfast before it gets crowded. I promise it will be worth your while."
Hannah looked down her nose cross eyed at him. "Why be suddenly chummy, chummy Potter. You've been cold to us for quite some time." Susan was shooting daggers at her best friend. Finally, they had a chance to talk to Harry Potter without the red headed slob in the way.
"'Aaay' Abbot, I'm not here to air old grievances. Perhaps I've been aloof and disdainful as a result of you and the rest of the Puffs treatment of me when I saved Justin from the snake? Hmmm? But as I said I'm not here to chew that bone of misunderstanding again. As a show of good faith, I'll tell you a little secret and then ask what I want. For the secret, my friend and dorm mate Neville fancies you Hannah. He's been trying to approach you for about a month to talk to you but you're always in a pack. Think about it."
Susan smirked. "I told you he liked you, Hannah!" A beautiful flush creeped up Hannah's neck and then tinged her cheeks." Bonesy, don't you dare!"
Raising his eyebrows, he said: "Now ladies the reason I'm here is to ask a favor. I understand that a certain Slytherin ponce has been following both of you around and making crude remarks? How would you like to help taking the little ponce down a peg?"
"Go on Potter, we're listening."
He cast a privacy charm and started talking.
0o0o0o0
The next day Susan and Hannah were walking slowly out of the Great Hall on the way to Herbology and Draco was a short distance behind them. Susan raised her voice. "No Hannah, you know I can't talk about Acme Manufacturing. Oops I'm not even supposed to say the name."
Draco's eyes went up into his hairline when he heard that statement. He closed the distance between them to better listen in.
"Oh, come on Bones. Tell me what you know."
"Hannah I could get in so much trouble. You know the Department of Mysteries has banned that catalog because of the magical items they sell. If it ever got out that I knew where to find one, Auntie would have my hide. I could even end up in Azkaban. "
"Do you know someone who has one?"
"Only the smartest witch in our year Hannah."
"Really? Did you hear about the fight they had?"
"No! Spill girl. Well, I don't know the details but they are not talking. I heard they had a big argument in the common room over something. All my contacts are not talking as they are afraid of Granger."
Draco stopped in his tracks. This was the first real clue he had to get his hands on such an incredible resource. It was banned, you could end up in Azkaban over it. And Granger. At first he thought no way she would deal with him but if she was fighting with Potter? He did notice they sat on opposite ends of the table this morning. He'd have to write his father. He turned and headed to the Owlery to write and send off a letter.
0o0o0o0
"What does our dear son have to say Lucius?"
"I wonder if he's got into a stash of FireWhisky? Listen to this Narcissa. 'Father, is it possible for you to get an Acme Manufacturing catalog of magical items for me? I heard some rumors that the Department of Mysteries has banned it and made it a crime to have one or even talk about one. Please let me know.' I don't know where he gets such ideas Cissa."
"Maybe there is some truth to this. Why not see Fudgie and slip a little campaign donation to him to find out?"
0o0o0o0
"I'm telling you Lucius I know nothing about any such decree or banning. I've never even heard of Acme, much less what they sell. I'll get on it right away, though, and thank you for the err, campaign donation," said Fudge as he put a small money bag filled with Galleons into the top drawer of his desk. 'Hmmm, better let Delores investigate, he thought. The last time I went down to the Department of Mysteries I ended up wandering around the Brighten pier looking for ice cream.'
0o0o0o0
A week later the Quibbler hit the newsstand with a front-page article.
"New Conspiracy exposed in the Ministry by Cornelius Fudge and Madame Umbridge!"
"Will this one move the Rot Fang Conspiracy to the back pages? Yes! See back page for details," Screamed the front-page headline in three-inch type. Sources that desired to remain anonymous for their safety have indicated that the Ministers office has unleased the one of the color Pink upon the ministry searching out information concerning the Acme Manufacturing Company and the reasons forthwith of the Department of Mysteries banning the company's products. See page five for an article on why the color pink is so feared in the Ministry. See page six column one for the real name of the Department of Mysteries clue for the crossword puzzle on the back page. See page five for the color pictures of the Stubby boardmen sighting in Paris.
Ron Weasley stood up and cat called Luna Lovegood. "Hey Loony, your father eating those physco dilly mushrooms again? Where does he get this stuff?"
Harry unobtrusively cast a mild stinging hex at Ron's back side as he got up to leave, winking at Luna. While Ron had jumped and turned around to see who had hexed him, Hermione had cast a locomotor charm at his plate that was now trying desperately to get away from Ron as he chased it down the table.
0o0o0o0
The next day the Daily Prophet printed a front-page denial by Unspeakable spokesperson Occlude. The Department of Mysteries takes no position on any product from Acme Manufacturing. The Department has no knowledge of any such conspiracy to hide the Acme company and its products form the wizarding world. It would do well for all to consider this a farce promulgated by the Quibbler, which we all know seldom prints things of any value and focuses on imaginary animals and conspiracy theories.
Draco was reading the paper at the Slytherin table. He noticed Bones over at the Puff table exclaim, 'OH! Auntie won't like this. I do hope no one heard us, Hannah. We could be in so much trouble!'
Just then a very tall being in a grey cloak entered the great hall and seemed to glide up to the head table. The headmaster stood up and nodded at the being and asked in a loud voice: "To what do we owe the pleasure of an Unspeakable visiting Hogwarts?"
The grey robed person with the hood up and face obscured ignored Dumbledore, turned and looked at the assembled students. With a voice that seemed to come from all directions it said in a deep bass: "There is no Magical Acme Manufacturing Company. You should all forget you ever heard of it " He then left the great hall.
Draco's family Eagle Owl dropped a letter to him from his father. It was a simple and straight forward command. 'Drop all inquiries on the subject you wrote home about. This is too dangerous. The minister's undersecretary has suddenly lost all memory of the last two days. The Unspeakable's must be involved." Draco struggled and thought for a moment. He declared to his sycophants: "This just proves that it exists, otherwise the Department of Mysteries would not have commented." I'm moving ahead." 'I don't care what father says in this instance he thought.'
Hermione smirked at Harry from the other end of the table. Fred leaned in and whispered to her: "Nice performance by Dobby."
0o0o0o0
Harry folded up the Marauders Map and winked at Hermione. "It looks like you're good to go Mata Hari, or should I call you Agent 99?"
Hermione just smirked as she gathered her things and headed out of the library. She had walked only a short way when Draco Malfoy stepped out from a classroom with Crab and Goyle coming up behind her. She immediately drew her wand. "What do you want Malfoy?"
"On my honor as a pure blood scion of the House of Malfoy I mean you no harm Granger. I just want a few minutes to talk privately. I give my word nothing will happen to you."
She looked around. "Ok in the classroom. Those two bookends of yours need to stay outside and leave the door open."
They walked in and Hermione went to the teacher's desk and sat on it and looked at Malfoy with an air of indifference. "So, what it is you want to talk about?"
"I've heard that you and Potter had a falling out and you have access to an Acme Catalog Granger."
"What the Eff, Malfoy, shut your mouth!" She whipped out her wand and cast a privacy charm. "You need to be careful Malfoy. I don't want to talk about either subject."
"OK, calm down. I can see you're sore. Potter is off the table. But you do know something about this other subject."
"The only way I'm willing to discuss it is under an unbreakable vow of secrecy from you. I've already had my parents obliviated by the Unspeakable's over this. They also tried with me, but it didn't take for some reason."
"I need to know about it Granger. It's important to me."
"Ya, how important Malfoy? What's it worth to you for me to spill?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I need an unbreakable vow and I want enough Galleons to make it worth the risk."
"How much Granger?"
"No Malfoy you make the first offer."
0o0o0o0
Harry was waiting several classrooms away and once he noted Draco and the goons were a floor below, joined Hermione on her way back to the common room.
"How did it go Hermione?"
She smirked. "He has taken the bait, and the hook, line and sinker also! He gave me fifty galleons and an unbreakable vow of silence on this subject to just talk to me. I'll get another 250 Galleons when I deliver the partial catalog that I have."
"He fell for the whole thing," smiled Harry as he took her hands and danced her around in a circle. "You are the best Hermione," as her pulled her in to a hug. She smiled and her heart fluttered with hope. This was the first time Harry had ever initiated a hug.
0o0o0o0
"Remember your vow Draco. You can't ever tell anyone where you got the catalog. Too bad it's only three pages. The Unspeakable who came to my house got the rest. Don't share this with anyone. At the least you get obliviated, the worsts is you wind up in Azkaban. And thanks for the money. I could really use the galleons."
He was quivering with excitement to look at the catalog once Granger left. The back page had just what he needed. "Portable hole to China. Place on ground or against wall, subject steps on or into and disappears to the other side of the world to top of sacred Mount Èzuòjù."
This is just the thing I need. He made a copy of the order form and filled it out, attached a money pouch and shrunk it and was off to the owlery.
Later in the library he was looking at an atlas when Choi Chang walked by. "Hey Cho, help me a minute?"
"What do you want Malfoy," she asked, looking down her nose at him?
"I'm trying to find on the China map a sacred Mount Èzuòjù and I thought you might be able to help me being a Claw, you guys supposed to know everything."
"I thought you were going to say something else, Malfoy. The sacred Mount Èzuòjù is thought to be in the northeastern area of the Yellow River. It is purportedly sacred to the Yang or Yin peoples who originally settled there. It's shrouded in mystery. The rumors are that anyone who goes up the mountain never comes down. Everyone is afraid of it. In the local culture mothers use it to frighten children into being good. You would not want to be left on the mountain."
"Thanks Cho. I won't forget you helped me. Us purebloods got to stick together." He turned and left the library.
Once he was gone, Harry stepped out of the book stacks. Thank you, Cho. That was a masterful performance. Here's the Honeydukes chocolate I promised."
"Can you tell me what that was all about?"
"Perhaps next Hogsmeade weekend I can tell you over a butter beer. Assuming all goes as planned."
"Thanks for the Chocolate, Potter. See you around."
Back in his common room Draco was bubbly with joy. "I'm going to get rid of that maggot once and for all," he told Pansy.
0o0o0o0
Dobby returned from the Grangers with the order form that Draco had sent in with his 25 gallons. The four friends sat on Harry's bed and laughed for almost five minutes. The Grangers would send off the product Draco had ordered in the morning with a rented post owl. It was simply a rubber oval stretching four feet long by three feet wide. The back was etched in tiny runes that would help with the effects. The other pieces would be put on alert and be in place for their part.
0o0o0o0
After three days of trying to follow Potter and set up his trap Draco had found the place and time. Potty had been going to the library everyday right after lunch. Draco would leave to set up with Goyle just before Potter finished his lunch, then Crab would follow him. They would get him in the corridor on the way.
Dobby had warned Harry this morning that Draco would make his play. When he sat at the table for lunch in the great hall he nodded to Neville and Luna. He noticed Draco get up and leave with Goyle. He smiled and nodded to Hermione a the end of the table who got up and went to he ladies room where Dobby transported her to a classroom near the library where she could watch the action.
Harry got up and headed up one flight of stairs to the library. He was followed by Crab who stayed about ten feet behind. He walked down the corridor and saw Malfoy leaning against the wall smirking and talking to Goyle. He gave him a wide berth as he passed him and stepped onto a black hole in the floor. And disappeared!
Draco whooped and started to dance around holding Goyle's hands. Crab rushed up and was gob smacked that it worked.
Harry reappeared almost immediately as an invisible Dobby had popped him to the classroom with Hermione. He looked out the door and cast a strong banishing charm at Crab.
Time seemed to move very slowly as Crab careened into Draco who was dancing in a circle with Goyle. The three flew the five feet towards the black hole and Draco screamed as they fell towards the hole. As they hit it they disappeared as Dobby did his thing.
A moment later they fell from a height of ten feet into a great pile of Thestral and Hippogriff dung in front on Hagrid's hut. Glued to their foreheads was a disk of highly polished brass that looked like a gold galleon. They sat there and looked bewildered.
Hagrid and Neville helped them stand up. Just then flashbulbs went off and Luna Lovegood and Colin Creevey snapped pictures and then walked quickly away.
0o0o0o0
Draco was worried. The next evening the great hall was buzzing. Harry Potter was missing from the castle. Hermione Granger was purported to be crying in her dorm room.
The Grey clad unspeakable was back in the great hall. "I have confiscated a very dark and illegal object. The Aurors will be here to perform an investigation. The unspeakable held up the rolled-up matt. This was used in a plot to send Harry Potter to China. A team has been dispatched to find him. If we find the culprit there will be punishment. Severe Punishment."
Albus too many names and jobs Dumbledore stood up. "Discipline is with in the purview of the school. You have no jurisdiction. I'm sure it is just an exuberant prank gone a little wrong."
The unspeakable looked at the headmaster and waved his arm. This silenced him and forced him to sit down. "It would do you well not to meddle Old Man."
He turned and glided out of the Great Hall. Once out of sight he disappeared and popped off the castle grounds.
0o0o0o0
Dobby reappeared in the Grangers dining room to cheers from Hermione, her parents, and the Just Harry.
"Sit Dobby and tell us your story as we eat dinner. We will be spending a few days here."
0o0o0o0
The next morning the Quibbler hit the stands as a broadsheet instead of the usual Tabloid format. It was a special edition. The top half of the Broadsheet told the incredible story of Harry Potter disappearing from Hogwarts. The bottom half had a full color moving picture of Draco and his two sidekicks being helped out of the manure pile with the gold glinting off their foreheads by Neville and Hagrid. The headline: "New specious of niffler found at Hogwarts. Named by the Longbottom heir, "In-shite-us to armpits-us" appears to travel in groups! See details on page four.
Draco slinked off to hide in the dorms as the red robed Aururs came into the great hall. The Old Man sighed. This was going to be a long day.
0o0o0o0
Two days later the grey clad unspeakable led Harry Potter back into the Great Hall.
Hermione ran up to him and hugged him with tears in her eyes. The twins were slapping him on the back. Fred whispered in his ear, "He doesn't even know he was had!"
Harry looked over at Draco. He walked over to him with the Unspeakable right behind him. Everyone in the great hall was silent. He stood opposite a seated Draco. "I don't know how you did it but thanks for the trip to China, Lonnegan. I had a blast."
The unspeakable simply pointed his finger at Draco and beckoned him with a bent finger.
Draco fainted. The unspeakable shrugged his shoulders and glided form the hall. The twins, Luna and Neville erupted into laughter.
A few moments later Dobby sat smiling and happy at the Gryff table. He had helped Just Harry!
Beep Beep!
Finite.
For those of my readers who are the brightest of the age I haver referenced, in addition to the Road Runner cartoon, three classic sitcoms and a 1973 movie with all star cast.
Can you name the sitcoms and movie?