AnakinsOnlyAngel/Tina/Tintin/Tinnie/Angel/whatever walks on stage, carting a simple chair. She places the chair in the center of the stage, and sits on it
Tina: Sooo, it's been awhile, no?
Audience: BOOOOOOS
Tina: I know, I know! Really. But what can I say? Life, is all. Scoff if you want, but I'm in my last year of high school, and writing humourous fanfictions is something I merely haven't the time to do.
Random Audience Member: Come on…! How many hours are there in the day? I bet if you just sto-
Tina: interrupts with a GLARE of DEATH
R.A.M.: …shuts the hell up
Tina: Thank you. Anyways… this is basically a fic to update you on my life…
Audience: groans
Tina: BUT but fear not, I shall make it funny, AND I shall tie it into Star Wars somehow! Yay? looks eagerly for audience approval
Audience: Whatever.
Tina: yay. So anyways… as I stated above, this is my last year of highschool. Next year I intend on attending an art school in New York!
Han Solo walks across stage, lugging Luke in handcuffs, gasps, and walks back off.
Audience: …
Tina: Oo I reeeeally don't think I want to know what that was about.
Random Audience Member #2: Oooooo bondage!
Tina: HEY! Keep this at a PG level, please! Not everyone is a perverted bastard.
RAM#2: Sorry, man.
Tina: You ought to be! Anyways. How many times have I said anyways in this script so far? Oo counts Ooo only four times. Yes, I have no life.
Anakin pops out from under Tina's chair
Anakin: You can say that again!
Tina: Shut up.
Anakin: glares Fine. BE that way. Goes back under chair
Tina: eyes her chair Oookay. Actually, I do have a life, which is precisely why I haven't been writing on ANY of my stories. I've been involved in two or three plays since I last wrote… and I'm in one now! Why? I have no idea. I'm really NOT an actor, ya know?
Three storm troopers march on, and begin to sing
Ohhh she's not an actor… Ya know? Ya know?
NOOO she ain't no actor ya kno-o-ow.
She isn't any actor, she's isn't any actor, she isn't any actor ya know?
YA KNOW?
They march back off
Tina: And that was… awkward… stares
silence
Tina: This is really boring for you, is it not? Apologies. But I feel the obsessive need to update you on my life, because, as you know, I am your lord and master, and-
Audience: stares bowing
Random Audience Member #3: Wait… why the hell are we bowing?
Audience, omitting RAM#3: Because Tina is the author and the lord and master of us all! You are a dirty blasphemer!
Audience proceeds to tear RAM#3 to shreds with their bare hands
Tina: HAH yay, violence!
Audience: …
Tina: Damn, they stopped bowing. Pfff. Bastards. Anyways, so, I'm getting together my portfolio, working on my senior project, being involved in drama, TRYING not to fail classes, and trying to get a job.
Random Audience member #4: Why can't you get a job? What are ya, some sorta BUM?
Tina: -- shut the hell up, Bastard, I have control of WHAT happens to you, I can rip your eyes from their sockets and shove sharp objects into your chest, slit your throat, and have starving children eat your remains.
RAM#4: … okay! I love you! Starts bowing
Tina: That's better. ANYWAYS. The REASON I can't get a job glares at RAM#4 again is because I have a piercing. Soon to be two. My left eyebrow was done a year ago, I'm getting my labret on the 8th… I live in a small town, so not many jobs accept piercings besides ears.
Bastardly bigots.
Lando walks on
Lando: Hah, I'm not a bastardly bigot! Does anyone want to see MY piercing? wiggles eyebrows menacingly
Tina: Uhmmrehh… I don't think so… this is supposed to be rated PG. Oo I truly hope I haven't said 'bastard' too many times…!
Lando: starts lifting up his shirt
Fangirls (A/N: Come on, Lando has to have SOME fangirls…!):OOOOOOO! Sexy…. drool
Rest of audience: Uhh… er… covers eyes of small children
Lando: point to navel I got my belly button pierced!
Anakin pops back out of chair
Anakin: HAH just like one of those freakin preppy girls at Tina's school?
Tina: OKAY what the hell? I am your LORD AND MASTER. Anakin! Lando! Either stick with the lovely topic: ME, or LEAVE.
Lando and Anakin: curse under breath
Tina: Your lord an master hears all…. waves a hand, the back curtain pulls to reveal bad pop music and hairy old men wearing skirts. Amongst these old men is, indeed, Han and Luke. Luke is still in handcuffs, and Han is now wearing a skimpy leather skirt You don't want to deal with this torture method, eh?
Lando: Ooo… actually I do….
Tina: looks disgusted Get the hell off my show!
Lando: glares at Tina and walks off, forlorn, glancing at Han once more
Anakin: sigh Puppy love. So cute.
Tina: THIS SHOW IS ABOUT ME!!! whacks him in the head with a rock
Anakin promptly passes out
Audience: GASP!
Tina: …what?
Random Audience Member #5: Aren't you AnakinsOnlyAngel…?
Tina: Yes. So?
RAM#5: I thought you loved him…
Tina: Errr… he's okay, but I'm in love with someone else now… another part of my life that has changed.
Anakin: awakens momentarily But… I thought it was love? falls back into stupor
Tina: Yes, but you should see the man-boobs this guy has! drools
Audience: Ewwww sick.
Tina: glare I own you ALL.
Audience: Once again begins to bow
Tina: Perfect. So… yeah. I'll probably never continue with any of my talk show stories…. But I guarantee you that 'Mixed Up' WILL be continued. Hell, I've been working (slowly) on this for nearly 3 years, I wouldn't stop now. It's close to being half done!
Obi-Wan comes on stage
Obi-Wan: Heeey I like Mixed Up! We're currently being attacked by pirates though…. PLEASE get us safely to Tatooine, and SOON!
Tina: I'm working on it, I'm working on it.
Obi-Wan: Oh, good.
silence
Tina (to Obi-Wan): So, want some biscotti?
Obi-Wan: …
Tina: … what the hell…? Biscotti? appears to be talking to self Okay, why the hell did you offer him biscotti?
Audience: silence except someone clearing their throat
Tina: UGH! What do you mean, pusillanimous? Who do you think you're talking to? I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER!
Random Audience Member #6 to RAM#5: Is she OK?
Tina: No. Just because I house your 'tourmented soul' in MY body does NOT make you part lord an master. YOU ARE NOTHING!!!
Obi-Wan: Umm… Miss? pokes Author? Uhh… crap. looks to audience Has she gone mad?
Tina: comes our of daze Who the hell are you calling mad?
Obi-Wan: Umm… looks around frantically Han! pulls him out of behind of curtain (Han is now without the skimpy leather outfit, and is totally naked minus a loin cloth
Tina: … (to Han) I don't want to know. (to Obi-Wan) You know I can tell when you are lying?
Obi-Wan: No you can't… apprehensively You are merely a Padawan!
Tina: Nooo… for one thing I graduated ages ago. points to lack of braid And for another thing… well, once I start down the path to the Dark Side, forever it will dominate my destiny.
Audience: …No! You're joking!
Tina: Hell no! And I LIKE it. You don't KNOW the power of the Dark Side.
Obi-Wan: shrinks away
Tina: Okay. glares at Obi-Wan I'm sick of this crap. I'm out of here… any of you can email me. My email address is I welcome meeting new people, contacting old friends coughVENUScough!, and just speaking of… whatever. Boys I am NOT interested in cybering or whatever your sick mind conceives… okay?
Now I'm leaving….
Bye.