The Color of the Force

By Sapadu

I'm sorry for kinda scaring you there... Nobody's ever really explained to me what love is... I mean... I've never been hugged or kissed or anything, unless you count Zeebo slobbering all over my face as a mooka kiss...

... So THAT'S what it was...

Well, you see... This is really embarrassing, but... when you said that if you loved someone, anything that hurts them hurts you... that's, uh... that'skindahowIfeltaboutDeeJay...

I mean... It's not like the way you felt about mother, I'm sure... but still...

You knew about how the Prophets of the Dark Side finally found the Lost City of the Jedi, right? Well, when the stormtroopers shut it down, I was almost dying inside. I hated myself and I hurt, just the same way as when Dee Jay had told me I didn't have a family, except... it was one thing to be told someone was dead, and another to see them dying. I'm assuming you saw mother being killed, in one of your dreams, if not in person... so... it was kind of like that... sure, the Lost City and the droids and Dee Jay were never alive to begin with, but... because the Lost City had been my home and Dee Jay had been the closest thing I'd ever had to a parent... and yet another part of the hurt I felt was because I'D been the one responsible... I'D been the one who told the Imperials where to find the Lost City and that's the only way they found it...

And while I'm in that vein, I remember how Dee Jay looked at me and for some reason, I felt like he actually felt disappointed with me... not a PROGRAM to make him seem disappointed but actual, true emotion... all I could do was look at my shoes and say they would have killed Luke if I hadn't lead them there...

You know, now that I brought THAT up... that was something else that was always bothering me... the fact that I'd so willingly given up my home for a chance at Luke's life being spared. I remember that ever since hearing about him and learning about him and his role in the rebellion, I'd always wanted to meet him. When I'd finally met Luke... if I remember correctly, my initial thought was 'I thought Luke Skywalker would be OLDER than this!' It's also pretty funny, because I bowed like he was a god or something. I never expected that I'd be living with him when I left the Lost City...

Luke and I spent all of our time together- it used to make me feel proud if he said something like 'Good job' or something... Mostly because I pretty much worshiped the ground he walked on. After a while, it wasn't so much I felt good if Luke praised me, but I felt terrible if he ignored me, for even the slightest reason, because it made me feel as though I'd done something wrong. I wanted to do things right, just to have his approval. I felt like Luke had taken up some role, almost like a father except... not so much he was more important but... important in a different way...

Remember when you and I first met, Dad? Quite frankly, I wasn't even supposed to be there: It was supposed to have been my first day of school, while Luke and the others went on a mission to Duro. But, maybe because I'd been spending all my time with Luke, or maybe because I felt like he was abandoning me or something else stupid like that... I was really upset that I had to go to school. I figured I wanted to, at least, say goodbye and wish them a safe journey, but... I kinda got hijacked while I was looking for them on the Millennium Falcon...

Luke finally found me and I was practically crying with relief because I'd been really scared about being trapped in the cargo hold. I probably would've hugged him if Luke hadn't been mad at me and accused me of playing truant. For some reason... that really hurt. I hadn't cared about what Dee Jay thought about me... not so much that if he scolded me it hurt, but whenever Luke looked at me like he was disappointed or angry or something, I... didn't want him to look at me like that... And when he smiled or laughed or said something that made me feel good, I GLOWED... I guess that was what you'd say was when I started to have a crush on him.

I really just didn't understand the things I kept feeling. I guess that really why I left: I didn't like not knowing, but feeling like I couldn't ask Luke about it. I knew at least that I would feel stupid if I asked him and he couldn't or wouldn't answer me...

But now that you've said it... I don't know...

It hurts. It hurts to think that I fell in love and didn't tell Luke before I left. And I know it's love because... well... I wanted to... I wanted to stay with him, I wanted to keep him safe, I felt some kind of pang in my chest every time something happened to him, whether it was good or bad: when it was good, I was happy that he was happy and when it was bad, I hurt right along with him.

When I betrayed the Lost City, for some reason, I felt almost... amazed that Luke came after me. I mean, why should he: I'd been nothing but trouble ever since he took responsibility for me and then I'd just given the Dark Side the power it needed to destroy the Good Side of the Force and quite frankly, Luke and the Rebel Alliance was all there was left but yet... he still came for me.

And I felt ashamed. Because I'd just found out that my grandfather was Emperor Palpitine when all my life, I'd hoped I was related to Obi-Wan Kenobi... It made me feel, not only stupid, but dirty as well... And having to admit it to someone who I'd looked up to my entire life and who represented everything I thought I WASN'T...

I was relieved, beyond all belief, when Luke told me that it wasn't my fault who my grandfather was, and it didn't make me any less a person to be a part of the alliance... But at the same time... I felt like such a BABY... and Luke had to comfort me... it was humiliating... Sometimes I wonder if Luke wishes he'd never met me...

A/N: And now... the Epilogue, because this chapter was too damn short.

Rain pattered on the roof and moonlight shone through the window. A single bed inhabited the three room apartment and the older of the two people in that bed stared at his son, the other, in wonderment.

"I don't think Commander Skywalker is ashamed of meeting you, Ken." He said, softly. Triclops was the man's name. His hair was white and his three eyes all an emerald green. His voice was rough and hoarse, harsh when raised, yet somehow... a kind of comforting grating noise when he meant to be gentle.

"How do you know?" Ken asked. He'd left living with Luke Skywalker when he was twelve years old, not even having spent a full year with the Jedi, but close to it. He'd been living with his father for two years, and he would turn fifteen in the next week or so. Somehow, he still had a thin, feminine figure, one that he'd worn since he was ten. Both Ken and his father chalked that up to not having proper nutrition when he'd hit puberty at age eleven. It was that which made Triclops fear his son's growth may have been permanently stunted.

"I told you how I sometimes dreamed of the future, right? That's how I knew you would be told by Kadann that I was your father. However, now that you've told me what happened on that day, I realized something: In the dream I had, Commander Skywalker and the Alliance waited with an ambush at the surface of the moon, and captured the Imperials who had captured you. However, you said that Commander Skywalker came after you." Triclops said, watching as his son's eyes grew wide at this.

"I think... I think that's a sign, if nothing else, that you were important enough to him for the Alliance to give up on capturing Kadann if he could save you. And I've been watching HIS dreams for some time, now. He's upset that you left... sad..." Ken's eyes filled with tears as his father reached over to tousle his hair.

"Do... do you think I should go back? Because I really don't want to miss any more time away from my real family than I've already missed... but now that you say that... I don't want Luke to think that he's the reason why I left..." Ken turned to look at his father's face. Before Triclops could do more than smile, a clap of lightning and thunder resounded outside in the storm. Ken curled up even closer to his father.

"I've never seen a thunderstorm before. It's spooky..." Ken mumbled, making Triclops smile, wistful of how much of a child his son still truly was...

"I know that ever since the Empire started administering shock therapy on me, I've been afraid of lightning. It's understandable to be scared of something you've never seen before..." He agreed, gently pushing his son's head back down on a pillow, "Go to sleep. You've got school tomorrow."

"'Kay... Night Dad, I love you." Ken mumbled, closing his eyes.

Triclops nodded. He loved his son too, but he couldn't say it yet.

Meanwhile, as the rain settled outside, Kendalina sat in watch. A sigh escaped her spirit lips.

"Typical. The two people who I love more than anything else in the world are also the two biggest idiots I'll ever meet."

Fin

A/N: Whoo! It's done! Waddya think?

And I'm sorry that the title of this fic was never really brought up...