Chapter Sixty-Four: Just Breathe

Ash's head found his pillow in record time, when they arrived home. It had been a long, emotionally draining day. Eiji watched his eyes close the second his face made contact with the white linen pillowcase. It wasn't a surprise, he expected Ash to be emotionally drained, after everything happening with Akira. He also realized something unspoken had occurred involving Miyuki that was likely contributing to Ash's current state.

There Ash laid; still dressed in the day's clothes, atop the bed's comforter, too tired to even peel back the covers. His fine blond hair already threatening to tangle against the pillow. Despite his closed eyes, he didn't look serene, as he normally did sleeping in Eiji's presence. Instead, his face housed unvoiced stress and the type of exhaustion he often wore following therapy. There was still tension in his muscles, even as he sprawled out on the bed, arms hugging the pillow under his head.

Eiji would be lying if he said he wasn't curious about what had transpired between Ash and Miyuki, and yet, he decided not to ask. Ash would tell him in his own time, he knew that. Ash always did.

Instead, he let Ash rest. He let Buddy out one last time before bed. He stared up at the night sky as Buddy trotted around the yard, searching for the perfect spot to mark his territory. Stress churned his stomach. His mind couldn't help but wander back to Akira.

How was she? Did they only make things worse? Should they have acted by now? Did Ash know what he was doing? Eiji certainly didn't. He shook away the thought.

"Come on, Buds."

When he made his way back upstairs, he was certain Ash was asleep, or close to it. He quietly grabbed a sleep shirt and fresh boxers and slipped into the bathroom.

Before the door clicked shut, Ash managed, "You're not going to ask?"

Eiji stopped in his tracks, startled that Ash was still awake. He looked back at him only to find Ash lying in the same position, eyes still closed but clearly awake.

"Not tonight," Eiji answered.

"No?" His eyebrows raised slightly while the rest of his face remained expressionless.

"I don't think you want to tell me tonight."

"No," Ash confirmed.

"Then it can wait." Eiji turned back to the bathroom. The door shut softly.

Ash sat up and looked at the door after it closed. Eiji was letting him off the hook. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised, but he was.

Ash heard the water begin to run.

A bath, Ash noted after only a second of listening. After his time in America, Eiji had become more accustomed to showers, though he still partook in the occasional bath, especially when stressed.

"Hmm," Ash hummed to himself. Eiji was stressed too.

It was a silly thought, really. How could he not be stressed?

Ash flopped back on the bed. He closed his eyes and tried to follow Eiji's example. He tried to relax, to rest.

But unsolicited thoughts kept tumbling forth.

And now he worried about Eiji as well as Akira.

Eiji wasn't a fan of being alone when he was stressed, Ash realized. He thought back to the time Aki first told Miyuki and Eiji the full story of her and Shun's separation. Thinking Eiji may need space, he remembered opting for the guest bed downstairs rather than Eiji's that night.

"Why are you down here?" he asked softly. "Thought maybe you needed space…" Eiji shook his head. " I need you," he whispered. "Let me in."

Ash sat up abruptly, the memory leaving him as guilt replaced it. He stared at the bathroom door. Just as he was on the brink of spiraling into overthinking and self-doubt, the door opened a crack.

Eiji, clad modestly with a towel around his waist, poked his head out. Before he could speak a word, his eyes met Ash's. They held an all-too-familiar sparkle of barely-contained panic.

"I'm horrible," they said at the same time.

"What?" They spoke again in unison.

"Ash, I—" "Eiji, I'm—"

Both their faces softened.

"You—"

"No, you first," Ash insisted.

Eiji's smiled, brief and fleeting. "Was I rude? You obviously had a hard day and I barely asked— I assumed you just wanted to be alone and… sorry." He gestured behind him to the filling tub, his movements were hastened and almost anxious. "Wanna join?"

Ash's face relaxed into an almost smile. "Do you want me to?"

Eiji pursed his lips together in a flat line. "Only if you want to."

"Not everything has to be like that. You can just say what you want." He paused, waiting for Eiji to speak. "Well, do you?"

"...Yes."

"Alright then," Ash said as his arms propelled his body from the bed. He met Eiji at the doorway and placed a simple, chaste kiss upon his cheek before peeling the door open further and slipping inside. He left Eiji stunned and blushing in his wake. "Come on, then," he said teasingly.

Eiji shook his dazed head and followed after Ash, closing the door behind him.

Eiji slipped off his towel and slid into the water.

Ash sat, still fully clothed, on the small step that lined the outside of the corner tub. He leaned his tired head on the edge of the tub. "Compromise?" he asked.

Eiji couldn't help but smile softly as Ash's words pivoted gently from their typical 'even.'

Eiji nodded, "Compromise."

Facing Ash, Eiji leaned on the edge of the tub as well, their bodies nearly mirroring each other.

"So, are you going to tell me why you're horrible? Cuz you never said."

"Is it not obvious?"

Eiji squinted at him. "No, asshole," he answered humorously.

Ash bit back a smile. "I didn't realize you wanted company," he said simply as if he hadn't almost spiraled out of control when it first dawned on him.

"That doesn't make you horrible."

"Then neither does you reason."

"Huh," Eiji huffed humorously, "I guess our reasons were basically the same, huh?"

"Mmm," Ash nodded, head still resting against the tub.

Ash closed his eyes and listened as the water rippled around Eiji's body as he readjusted in the tub. Eiji stretched out, facing away from Ash, leaning up against the edge of the tub. Ash felt indescribably calm, though only a short time ago he was tense. Perhaps it was the warm, humid air or the calming sound of the water or the lavender soap Eiji used to create bubbles in the tub. Or perhaps it was a combination of all three. But more likely, it was simply being in only Eiji's presence after a strange, emotionally taxing day. Ash could feel his muscles going slack, his breathing slowing, and his brain threatening to go offline. So he sat.

"I thought you were falling asleep."

"I was."

Eiji looked over his shoulder at Ash. "Well, don't stay awake for me."

Ash scooted closer to Eiji. "But what if I wanted to stay awake for you?"

"Well, then that's on you, I suppose." Eiji chuckled. The humor died in his throat as Ash placed a kiss to his jugular.

But as soon as his lips were there, they were gone.

"You smell… different," Ash remarked as he pulled away.

"Different how?" Eiji's eyebrows crinkled.

"Like… something minty."

Flashes of memories infiltrated Ash's mind. Men in expensive suits with intruding hands. Freshly cleaned hotel suites that overlooked the city. High above the city. Above the law.

Eiji's eyes lit up with clarity. "Oh, I was… distracted…at work today, so Suni let me use some oil blend that was supposed to improve focus and help with stress. She's into all that stuff."

Oil on his skin meant to help him 'relax.' But he didn't relax until something bitter melted under his tongue. Ash did his best to not let the memory shine through on his face. He did his best to push it away.

"Did it work?" Ash asked.

Eiji shrugged, "I couldn't really tell." Eiji reached across the tub and grabbed a bar of soap. "But whatever it reminded you of just now wasn't good." He lathered the soap on his hands. "So, as you Americans say, it's got to go."

"Eiji, it's fine—"

"It's not."

Eiji scrubbed at his neck with the soap that Ash associated with 'Eiji's smell.' He rinsed off the suds, replaced the soap, and returned to his spot next to Ash. "Better?"

Ash's lips returned to his neck and smiled against his skin. "Much."

Ash was grateful Eiij noticed and reacted without actually asking. For once the smell didn't remind him of Dino, for Dino smelled of far more decadent things. But plenty of others had smelled of what Eiji had just smelled of only moments ago. He didn't remember their names, or even their faces, or even exact locations, but it was all practically the same. All expensive men, though not always to Dino's caliber, in darkened rooms above reality. Or at least, most people's reality. For Ash, it was very much reality, as much as he hated it.

Eiji sat back against the tub. He made a mental note to refuse Suni's offers at essential oils in the future. Unless they were lavender. Ash liked lavender.

Ash took a moment to recompose himself. He took a deep breath and let young Ash melt away back into his terror-filled memories. His mouth returned to Eiji's neck and his hands began to rub the tension from Eiji's shoulders. Melting under his touch, he let out a content sigh.

"Where did you learn to give such a good massage?" Eiji regretted the words the second they slipped out. Where did he learn that? His brain mocked him. How could he be so stupid to let those words leave his mouth. But to his surprise, Ash didn't prickle.

"Funny enough, Blanca."

Eiji tensed, "But I thought—"

"No, you're right. He didn't. And it wasn't like that. He told me I was stiff, and that's no good for fighting."

"But that's still creepy," Eiji scoffed.

"But he never touched me, just showed me how to correct my posture and ease the tension from my own shoulders. Taught me about pressure points and shit. I was skeptical but it worked. And he was right, it did improve my fighting." His hands returned to Eiji's shoulders. "Now, forget Blanca, he doesn't belong here."

Eiji smiled, "Forgotten."

"Good."

Ash continued, working out the knots in his neck, shoulders, and upper back. He placed a kiss to his hair, jaw, neck, and even his clavicle from time to time.

"Okay, you're gonna have to stop," Eiji said after five long minutes that felt like a pleasurable eternity.

Ash's hands slowed to a stop though he could not hide the confusion on his face. Afterall, Eiji seemed to be melting into a puddle.

"Why?"

Eiji glanced at him over his shoulder, unblushing, "Because you're turning me on."

Ash glanced into the water, eyebrows raised in teasing humor. "Ah."

"Yeah, 'ah.'"

"Well," Ash began slowly, "just because I'm not in the mood, doesn't mean you can't be." He paused before continuing. "Doesn't mean I can't help you get there."

"Ha," Eiji scoffed, "Yeah right."

"And why not?"

Eiji's eyes focused on the wall. "Because that's embarrassing."

"Naaaaah."

Eiji turned to face him. "You of all people should understand that." He held Ash's stare.

"I'm an odd case, don't compare yourself to me."

Eiji rolled his eyes and turned back to the wall. "Whatever, Ash."

Ash smirked, "Seriously, Eiji, psychologists love me." He went on fantastically, arms adding dramatic emphasis to his words. "The traumatized boy-whore, turned killer, who somehow beat the odds and became a housewife."

"Househusband," Eiji corrected with a barely-contained smile.

Ash's lips suddenly hovered closely beside Eiji's ear. "But ultimately it's your call, and I'll respect whatever you choose."

And then his face was gone, no longer a breath away from Eiji's. Pillowed atop his arms, his head returned to the side of the tub, awaiting Eiji's answer.

Eiji was silent, thinking.

Taking it as an answer of its own, Ash closed his eyes, content to return to their previous state.

"Okay," Eiji said finally.

Ash's green eyes opened.

"But only if—"

"I promise not to tease you," Ash guessed with a half-smile.

Eiji turned to see him. "Only if you're not suggesting it just to placate me."

Ash's face lit up, "Where'd you learn that word?"

"Huh? I, I don't know, Ash," a smile cracked over his face and then vanished. "Answer the question."

Ash leaned forward and kissed him, slow and steady. "I want to if you want to," he said softly.

Eiji smiled before kissing him back. "Yeah, okay."

Ash indulged in the kiss a moment more before taking Eiji by the shoulders and turning him back around. His hands began again, massaging Eiji's shoulders. His hands were slower this time, and their reach was more drifting. They wandered down his arms and back up. Then they mingled into the water, widening their territory to Eiji's chest.

Eiji's own hands floated still at his sides.

Ash's mouth returned to Eiji's skin with a kiss to his shoulder. "Just relax. Don't think. Don't worry. Don't stress." He kissed him again, this time on the base of his neck. "Just be." He kissed his jaw. Eiji's head instinctively tilted to give him better access. "Just feel. Just be." Ash continued on, kissing him, tasting him, touching him, teasing him, until he felt Eiji's arm begin to move.

Ash continued to encourage him from the sidelines with his hands and his mouth, adding in words of sweet nothings here and there. Eiji lasted surprisingly long, and when he finally came, Ash was there to cushion Eiji's head on his shoulder as he let out a small whimper of release and his body went boneless. Ash held him, running gentle fingers across his skin and pressing kisses onto his hair.

"Do we have a verdict?" Ash asked lightly as Eiji appeared to return to the world, eyes opening.

He considered Ash's question. "I'm not sure what that means," he answered.

"What'd ya think?" Ash said more simply.

"Mmmm," Eiji thought. He straightened the curve in his spine and faced Ash. "It was fine. It's just never really the same."

"Kinda took you a while."

Eiji shrugged, "That's because it wasn't you."

Ash blushed dark red.

"Gotcha," Eiji smiled, "I wasn't trying to, but I got you. Point for me." Eiji laughed at Ash's appalled face.

Ash fought to regain composure of his face. "Well, have fun telling Miyuki what exactly you said to make your score go up." He quirked an eyebrow. "Because she will notice."

Eiji laughed again, "I will just tell her it is none of her business!"

Ash joined in with a laugh of his own, "Oh, yeah, that won't give her any hints," Ash said sarcastically.

"So what? She can deal with it."

"There's no way she'd let that fly," Ash laughed. "I can hear her now…" Ash mimicked Miyuki's voice, "No fair, Eiji! Sex points don't count!"

"Hahaha!" Eiji threw his head back and laughed. He gave Ash's arm a playful shove, wetting his sleeve. "She'd never say that!"

"Ehh, I wouldn't put it past her. 'Sides you can't deny my impersonation is spot on."

"Ha!"

"What?!" Ash demanded with a partially subdued smile.

"I'm just saying it could use some work."

"Take it back Eiji, I'm offended!" Ash teased, feigning insult.

Eiji held up his hands defensively, "I cannot take back the truth, Ash," he joked further.

Ash reached a hand into the water and flicked droplets of water at Eiji. "Ehhh, you're full of shit."

Their laughter died down and a comfortable silence fell between them. Ash watched Eiji for a moment as his eyelids began to grow more heavy.

"So… Not me, huh?" Ash asked curiously after a moment or two.

"Nah." Eiji's cheeks pinkened. "You replaced my right-hand man a long time ago. He had a good run but… it was time for him to move along."

Instead of responding with a usual quip, Ash just smiled at Eiji with warm, loving eyes. It went without saying that he couldn't relate. Somewhere in his heart Eiji regretted his words, even if they were only a joke.

And if Eiji was being honest, he could hardly relate to his joke as well, for with Ash he learned things were infinitely better with connection; with love.

Ash knew this too. It had been made plainly obvious in ways that were seen countless times without words.

When his alarm woke him in the morning, Eiji found Ash had already risen, which was far from usual for him. In his place, sitting atop his pillow, was the crinkled yellow post-it note. Eiji plucked it up and rubbed his blurry eyes so he could read what it said more clearly. His face wrinkled in confusion as he did.

Barefoot, he wandered downstairs, note in hand. Ash stood at the kitchen counter, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. Buddy stood a few feet away eagerly chomping away at his morning kibble.

"Am I supposed to understand what this means?" Eiji asked, his voice still deep and crackled with sleep. He waved the yellow paper when Ash turned to face him. "I don't get it."

"It's what was up with Miyuki. She wrote it."

"Well, yeah I figured that much. She signed it."

"I found it in the office trash can. She must have seen the letter from that surrogate agency when she house-sat."

"Okay, but…"

"It's an offer…" his voice trailed off, letting Eiji unravel the rest.

It took him a minute in his sleepy state. Ash saw the realization as it dawned on him. Eiji stumbled forward, arms finding the table. There he stood, hunched. His shoulders began to shake.

As Ash stepped forward to comfort him, laughter hit the air. It was startling and loud in the quiet house. Eiji gripped his side and slid into one of the table's chairs. He threw his head back and his laughter turned silent. He laughed until Ash couldn't help but laugh along with him. When his laughter finally ceased, he attempted to catch his breath and wiped tears from his eyes.

"Laugh or you'll cry," he said jokingly.

"I could have used that advice yesterday."

Eiji exhaled the last of the humor. "What a fucking mess."

Ash shrugged, "Messes tend to follow me."

Eiji shook his head amusedly, "Yeah, I've noticed." He scooted his chair away from the table and stood. "How can she go so wrong trying to be so good."

"Where are you going?" Ash's eyes followed Eiji as he walked from the room.

"I'm calling in!" His voice grew more distant as he ascended the stairs.

A smile grew on Ash's face. "You're what?!"

"Calling in!" Eiji shouted through the house, trying to contain a smile of his own.

Ash darted through the house, Buddy instantly followed at his heels. Ash climbed the stairs two, then three, at a time.

Ever since Eiji started at the company, Ash had been trying to get him to call in at least twice a week, but Eiji never had. 'Stay with me in bed,' he'd whine. 'Sick days are meant to be used,' he would argue. 'Yeah, when you're sick,' Eiji would laugh.

Ash ran through the doorway of the bedroom and dove headfirst onto the bed. Buddy was right behind him, excited paws twisting their blankets into bunches. The bed creaked loudly under both their weight.

Eiji slapped his forehead and gestured to the phone at his ear. 'Quiet,' he mouthed as he stood at the other end of the room.

Ash placed a dramatic hand over his mouth, though it did little to stifle his laughter.

"Yeah, I think I might be," Eiji faked a cough to the man on the phone. "Coming down with something. I wouldn't want to spread it around the office."

Ash could hear the man on the phone chuckle, "Alright, alright, Okumura. Feel better."

Eiji thanked him and hung up. He set his phone on the dresser and flounced onto the bed with Ash. "Asshole! He totally heard you!"

"Sorry, Lovely, I didn't think!"

"Yeah, uh-huh, sure. Whatever you say."

"Honest, Eiji!" Ash laughed. But there was nothing honest in his shit-eating grin.

"Now he's gonna think I'm just at home foolin' around!"

"What, with your gorgeous husband?"

"Shut it!"

"Well, won't ya be?" He looked up at Eiji with wanting eyes. Eiji couldn't quite tell if they were sincere or teasing.

"Well, if that's what he wants…" Eiji played along.

"Ooo, it's really what he wants."

Eiji leaned forward to kiss him but right before their lips met, Ash pulled away.

"Ohh, you know what?"

Eiji narrowed his eyes sardonicaly, "Hmmm?"

"I heard you tell your boss you're coming down with something. And I'd really hate to catch it." He propped himself up on an elbow. "I mean, how am I supposed to care for my sick husband and my Little Man if I get sick too? And keep up with the housework? And— I'm sorry, Eiji, I just can't risk it—!"

Eiji laughed and pushed him back into the mattress. "I love ya, you big goof." He kissed Ash between smiles. When he pulled back, he studied his face lovingly and smoothed hair away from his face.

"Thanks for staying home with me," Ash said softly.

"I couldn't leave you here to stew in your own thoughts."

"And the Japanese legal system," Ash added.

"Especially that."

"You know what though?"

"Huh?"

"You need a lesson in lying."

Eiji quirked his eyebrows in question. "Why's that?"

"You should never say you're coming down with something, then you have to pretend your still recovering when you go back. Remembering to fake a cough all day isn't easy. Food poisoning," Ash said definitely. "Always pick food poisoning. That's more believable. It can come and go in 24 hours and—" His words trailed off because Eiji was staring at him like he was everything good tied up in one man. And to Eiji, perhaps he was. "What?"

Eiji shook his head, a prominent smile on his face. "Nothing, I'll remember that next time."

"But blame it on some restaurant or food truck or something, not my cooking."

Eiji chuckled and leaned forward to kiss him again. "You got it, Baby."