Alright guys, this is my first fic. Well, no it's not, but it's the first one I've published because after I read mine I realized oh-my-lord-these-are-the-worst-cliches-ever. And so I decided, hell, let's write a parody, because there aren't enough LilyJames ones out there!
If you have HAPPENED to write a LilyJames fic, you will probably find stuff in here that sounds like your fic, and I am very very sorry for that, but darnit, we all love to make fun of ourselves, don't we? Take it as a sign that your successful, because if I've read it I've loved it.
Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own any of the characters, JK Rowling does. So don't sue me blah blah YOU'VE READ THE DISCLAIMER A MILLION TIMES LEAVE ME ALONE. And anything here that should be copyrighted here isn't, included Swiffer Wet Jet and Milano cookies. So © © © © I'm too lazy ok now read.
Most of you have read stories of the romance between James Potter and Lily Evans. They've made you laugh, they've made you cry, and they've made you want a boyfriend really, really, really, badly so you can make out with him in the astronomy tower, which I'm sure everyone has in their school. But I'm here to tell you the true story of Lily and James; the one that people haven't told you.
This is their story.
Lily Potter ran through the barrier at platform 9¾ absolutely out of breath. It was ten fifty-eight, and she had only two minutes until the Hogwarts Express would race away without mercy.
For some reason she had been delayed incessantly, even though she had gotten up at six because she was an anal bitch, and had managed to have a horrible morning. Her breakfast was burned, her mother hit her seventeen times, her sister flaunted her good-for-nothing boyfriend who nobody else noticed was good-for-nothing, she was raped by her horrible father, her kitten who was only two weeks old was hit by a car, a truck, and a newspaper boy, and she missed every single train that would take her to Kings Cross, until she finally decided to just take a sporty little Vespa to the station (so cute!), but the sporty little Vespa fell into the Thames river. For Lily Evans and her sad little emo life, this was a perfectly normal day. Let us play her a depressing song on a small violin.
Panting, she ran onto the train, dragging two large, extremely tattered, grey suitcases. Oh, I forgot to mention she was very, very poor. Hauling her heavy luggage behind her, she slowly she trudged down the train car. All the compartments to the left and right of her were filled, and she sighed to herself. If only I were more beautiful, she thought to herself, because everyone knows beauty is the main factor in popularity, which might in fact become a moral of this story. Quick! Pretend you didn't see that line!
Suddenly, she came upon a random mirror on the train. Apparently, the witch who sold Pumpkin-Pasties won America's Next Top Model during its first season, but since no one had watched that season she became fat and pimply. But she likes mirrors, so she hung one. Oh shut up, it made sense according to my logic. Looking in the mirror, Lily could only help but sigh. Her long, dark red hair fell below her shoulders, in a very flowy fashion which many girls wish they had, yet Lily thought to herself, alas, it is so plain and unstyled, which is not a real word. She also looked at her eyes, which glowed a stunning green and were shaped like almonds, yet Lily thought to herself, alas, who wants eyes shaped like nuts? Her gorgeous oval face had a cute little nose and pursed, plump lips, yet Lily thought to herself, I look like that actress from the future, Angelina Jolie, and she's American! I never want to look like an American, because they are so self-absorbed and fat, and will one day call their fries "freedom fries" instead of "French-fries" because they think they are witty and cool, but they're not. Woe is me. I am ugly. The violin music began to play louder and more sadly, and -- what's that? Is a sad piano joining the concert too? Welcome, sad piano, welcome. While she was lamenting her sad, sad, life, approximately twenty-nine boys passed by and banged into a pole, because she was smokin' hot, son.
In a compartment several feet from where Lily stood, four boys were having a conversation of their own.
"Hey Prongs, do you mind if I call you this nickname that would make no sense to an anonymous passerby, but will promote the idea that we are an exclusive club?" exclaimed Sirius, one hot sexy mama. A girl walking by their compartment died because she looked at him.
"Of course, Padfoot." said the man they called Prongs, aka James Potter. "Hey, have you seen Lily Evans?—I mean – Have you been silly lemons?"
Sirius looked at James for a long time. Finally he said "James, that makes negative sense.", and began a lecture on the advantages of using Swiffer Wet-Jet.
The other two boys in the compartment that had not yet spoken listened intently. Remus Lupin, a boy with eyes like a werewolf, hair like a werewolf, teeth like a werewolf, and a body like a werewolf, BUT WHO WAS NOT A WEREWOLF, LET ME ENFORCE THIS, listened because he was actually interested in what Sirius had to say because his house happened to be filled with werewolf fur – I MEAN CAT FUR. HAHA. BYE. The other boy listened because he was in love with Sirius.
"Hey Prongs, do you mind if I call you this nickname that would make no sense to an anonymous passerby, but will promote the idea that we are an exc-lus-ive club?" piped in the boy who was in love with Sirius, Peter Pettigrew.
Sirius looked confused for a moment, and then remarked "Peter. That is the exact same sentence I said before, except you added an emphasis on the 'lus' in exclusive."
Peter blushed, and then ate a cupcake.
"Hey James, aren't you Head Boy this year?" said Remus.
"Oh yeah, I am, I forgot." James said, because he was day-dreaming about silly lemons. No really, silly lemons. He once saw a documentary about them.
"I wonder who Head Girl is?" said Sirius.
"I wonder who Head Girl is?" said Peter. Everyone stared, and he ate a Milano cookie.
Suddenly the train stopped, and Remus looked out the window. "Looks like we're here, guys."
The boys gathered their robes (they had taken their clothes off because they were hot), and walked out of the compartment. There they found Lily Evans next to a pile of unconscious males. She had not moved from her place in front of the mirror the entire ride, because she was so, so sad.
Upon hearing the Marauders open their compartment door, she sprang to life, and became feisty!Lily in the blink of an eye.
"What are you guys doing here?" snarled Lily, that crazy little tigress.
"I believe this is our train too, Miss Evans. Unless sometime in the last five minutes you managed become Headmaster of Hogwarts.", retorted Sirius. A girl heard his beautiful voice and died.
"No, I'm not Headmaster, but as Head Girl I think I have more rights here than you."
Sirius and Remus gasped, and then Peter gasped too because Sirius did. "But," Remus began tentatively, "James is Head Boy!"
The four teenagers stared at each other, Lily with her mouth open. The silence was broken when James traipsed out of the compartment, chuckling to himself "Those silly lemons and their interpretive dance. How they slay me!" before he suddenly stopped. "Why's everyone looking so sullen? Did George Bush choke on a pretzel again?"
"No Padfoot," Sirius replied with a pitying look on his face. "Don't shoot the messenger, but looks like you and Miss Perfect here are gonna' be spending a lot of time together this year. She's Head Girl."
"Lily… Head Girl…" James looked very happy for a slight moment, but that look soon disappeared. "Er, looks like I won't have to do any work then. She's so stuck-up and prude that life'll be easy!"
The boys all high-fived and burped and scratched their armpits in public and said things like "right on!" and "damn straight!" because they are boys and that's what boys do. I know that this seems like a random insult with no relevance to James not having to do work. That is because it is.
"Yeah, well, James was to busy having his head up is arse to see how many boys I've shagged!"
The girl gang which had formed behind her snapped their fingers at this progressive stride towards feminism. James, however, looked quite angry.
"You've shagged boys? But – I mean – you're Lily Evans! You're the only girl in the entire universe who is a virgin at seventeen!" James cried. "I cannot think of one single female who did not lose her virginity before her last year of high school or boarding school!" Half of the girls at looked away at this statement and went out to find some hot boyfriend so they can feel validated in their existence, because this statement was the utmost word of truth.
Just then their banter was interrupted by a tall, shadowy figure.
"Lily and James Potter – I mean Lily Evans and James Potter? Are you here?" It was Dumbledore. "Come my new Head Boy and Girl, it is time for me to show you your dorm."
"Dumbledore?" Lily whispered. "But you never come on the train! The only adult on the train is the witch who—"
"Nonsense Miss Evans, this is fanfiction."
"Oh, sorry, I forgot. Okay, comeon James, let's go."
The three figures departed from the Hogwarts Express, unsure about the future, but sure that Lily and James would never, ever, become a couple. Ever. Ever Ever Ever!
Teehee. I love LilyJames. And also, I might ::ahem:: have made a few, er, rude comments about George Bush and America in general. I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, but I am American, and I would have voted if I were of age, etc. so I think I'm allowed. Consider it social commentary! Sorry, don't hate me, or I'll be sad. COMMENT PLEASE OR I WILL CRY LIKE A BABY AND A RIVER WILL FORM FROM MY TEARS AND FISH WILL LIVE IN THE RIVER BECAUSE IT IS SO WATERY! And Vespas, if you don't know, are these little scootery things they have mostly in Europe but, according to the sign I saw in the subway this weekend, there's now one in SoHo! Comment!