Disclaimer: To list everything in this fic that we don't own would take up an entire chapter. So lets just say we don't own stuff.
A/N: This is only the first of hopefully many chapters, depending on feedback. Enjoy
The Out of Character Cruise
Chapter one: Boarding and Departure
Out of Character cruise lines presents the maiden voyage of their new fictional ship, the M/S After You. All of the most famous (meaning the authors' favorite) characters showed up for the event, and a chance to relax and get away from their normal lives and characters. As we speak (or type) hundreds of characters (not all will be mentioned in this fic to keep the chaos level below maximum) are waiting to board the ship, bags in hand. We join two RENT characters right now.
"Look, Allison, they named the ship after you!" Benny said as if trying to pick her up, pointing to the name on the ship.
"Really?" his wife asked in surprise, "Oh, so they did," she added disappointedly when she saw what he meant.
At the gangway (the thing that connects the boat to the land) the Monty Python Bridge Keeper (the man from scene 24) stood. He would have been taking tickets had he not been a Monty Python character, but fortunately for our Bohemians and the Weasley family, who had not had the money to purchase tickets, he was doing his usual bit.
Mark walked up to him nervously, hoping he would be able to sneak on. When he reached the Bridge Keeper, the Bridge keeper began to speak, "He who wishes to cross the gangway, of death must answer me these questions three, the other side ye sees."
"... Okay" Mark said, halfway between confusion and relief.
"What is your name?"
"Mark," these questions seemed to be much easier than he expected.
"What is your quest?"
"To film my friends having fun, while I sulk alone in the corner."
"What is your favorite breakfast cereal?"
"Cap'n Crunch," Mark was very happy when the Bridge Keeper stepped aside to let him on the ship. The other bohemians followed Mark, even Angel, who was out of character in the fact that she was alive, Maureen came last.
"He who wishes to cross the gangway, of death must answer me these questions three, the other side ye sees." Maureen promptly back-handed him for calling her "he" and for not being an equal opportunity bridge keeper. "She who wishes to cross the gangway, of death must answer me these questions three, the other side ye sees. The first question: What is your name?"
"The Awesome Maureen."
"What is your quest?"
"To have lots of fun, lots of sex and to make Mark as jealous as possible."
"What is the capital of The United Arab Emirates?" (A/N: Yes, that's a country)
"Abu Dhabi," Maureen responded triumphantly.
"Wow!" Joanne said with a kiss, once Maureen had boarded the ship, "I'm surprised you knew that one. Hell, even I didn't!" Next, the Weasleys, Harry, and Hermione boarded.
"Where are Fred and George?" an aggravated Molly Weasley asked. Nobody had an answer. She decided to partake in the out of character fun "Fine, screw them. It'll be more fun without them, anyway." They all went through the Bridge Keeper with ease, until the last of the crew, Hermione.
"And what is the average wing flapping speed of a swallow?" the Bridge Keeper challenged.
"African or European?" Hermione asked.
The bridge keeper gaped at her confused, "I don't know that!" He was promptly flung into the ocean by an invisible force. A new cruise employee took his place.
"Ticket, please," he said to the next passenger in line. Seeing that they now needed a ticket to board the cruise, Fred and George Weasley pulled out their brooms and flew onto the ship, they still didn't need tickets.
Once everyone was on board, and had put all their stuff away in their rooms (and in the cases of the people who snuck on, tricked Toru Honda, who had volunteered to be on the cleaning staff, into getting keys to empty rooms), they were given a grand tour of the ship.
"... And this is Ayame Soma's fantasy apparel shop," Toy Story II's Tour guide Barbie commented, "Coincidentally, all staff uniforms came from this very shop. They are very good at tailoring, I might add this uniform was originally meant for a five-foot-tall woman, yet it now fits me perfectly." There was a wave of ooing and awing from the crowd, it's not everyday they saw a talking eleven-and-a-half inch doll dressed so well.
Roger Davis then turned to his girlfriend, Mimi Marquez and said "That means they'll even be able to suit you!" Mimi grumbled slightly, but could argue against his insinuations that she was small.
The group turned a corner and found themselves on a wide, open deck with a large pool shaped like the batman emblem surrounded by several pool chairs bearing the "R" for Robin.
Barbie continued: "And this is the main deck with heated swimming pool where--"
Her explanation was cut off by three Asian boys (Ranma, Ryoga, and Mousse) exclaiming at the top of there lungs, "It's heated! As in not cold?... Excellent! We wont transform!" And with that the 3 pealed off their shirts and jumped for the water.
The tour continued. "This is the main dining hall where you will be fed gourmet food well past your fill."
Through a door, then a hall, outside again. "And this is the sun deck. Also known as the topless tanning deck. This is where we'll play calm soothing music while you develop skin cancer." Maureen and Joanne silently agreed that they would be spending a lot of time there. Mark made note of this and began formulating a plan to hide his camera when came up for a tanning session.
Down a flight of stairs, and through double doors. "This is the Green Dragon Lounge," It looked more like a theater, "Here, you be dazzled by magic shows, mesmerized by our dancers, and mind-numbingly embarrassed by our comedy and game shows."
Back out the double doors, and down a flight of stairs. "This is our day spa, and gym," Many superheroes (including Spiderman and Superman), macho men, and people with bad feet or skin made note of this.
Through double doors and around the atrium. "This is Mr. Burns' Casino. Until we reach international waters, you must be twenty one or older to play, and we do check ID"
Mimi Marquez, Bart Simpson, Hey Arnold, Inu Yasha, Miroku, Nelson Muntz, Peter Parker, Robin, Ash Ketchum, Hero Soma, Uotani Arisa, Ron Weasley, and Fred and George Weasley all uttered a "Damn" in unison. Barbie continued.
"But by 9:45 tonight we will be out of the bounds of the American judicial system." The aforementioned crowd cheered.
They continued through to the end of the Casino. "And this is the Star Wars Cantina, where there will be nightly karaoke contests. This concludes the tour. There are other features to the ship, but you can find them on your own, my shift's over." Before leaving, T.G. Barbie handed each person a map of the ship and a schedule of shows and events rendering the preceding tour a waste of time.
As the passengers returned to their rooms to get dressed for dinner, they all felt the boat lurch forward. Captain Planet came on the P.A. system "This is your captain speaking," duh, "The ship is now in motion, you are all officially on vacation," after a long pause he added "Unless, of course, you are an employee. In that case, you are now officially trapped at work."
At the last statement, Dilbert screamed and attempted to jump ship, but somehow accidentally landed on the casino floor. After picking himself up, he promptly gambled away half of his life savings. Stupid slot machines with their stupid pretty lights and loud noises, they tricked him.
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