Title: Hold On
Author: tanisafan
Rating: PG-13, just to be sure (although I doubt it, it's all harmless)
Spoilers: Up to the s9 premiere (Nothing Important Happened Today part One)
Disclaimers: None of it's mine. Big duh. Everything belongs to Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen productions. Raise your hand if you didn't know that.
Summary: This is a songfic, set between the s8 finale (Existence) and the s9 premiere (Nothing Important Happened Today part One). Mulder and Scully spend one last night together before he goes into hiding.
Info: The song is 'Hold On' by the fabulous Sarah McLachlan. I only left out two repeats of the chorus.
Archiving: Archived here and at Purplecat's Palace. Anywhere else, feel free, just let me know so I can rejoice :).
A/N: Thanks to my muse (obviously) and to my faithful béta Karen, who works at the speed of light and doesn't settle for anything that isn't as good as it can be. You're the best!
Dedicated to: CCke, my bestest buddy, who always gets the first read. For she is the Queen of Inspiration and Motivation :).
Feedback: will be adored and nuzzled to death.
Scully POV
11.05PM
Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on, hold on to yourself
You know that only time can tell…
Lying safely in his soft arms, I watch him while he sleeps. Or pretends to sleep, as is probably the case. His eyes are closed and his breathing is slow and even, as if he is in a deep slumber, but that small smile tugging at his lips makes me suspect otherwise.
I'm tired and should really be going to sleep. I haven't had a good night's rest since William was born, and I know I need to get at least a couple of hours of sound sleep until he needs his next feed, but I can't pull my eyes away from Mulder.
These last two weeks have been so carefree that it's almost becoming suspicious. Of course, there has been the diapers-and-bottles hassle that I had foreseen, but no one has bothered us. They haven't come after Mulder and they haven't tried to take William away from us.
I know it won't stay this way for long. We talk, usually late at night, when we're lying in bed together like this. We've had long conversations about everything, except this. Neither of us says a word about what the future might bring, what tomorrow holds in store for us. I think we're both afraid that saying anything out loud will make it all go to hell.
The truth is that neither one of us knows what to expect, even though Mulder might pretend to know all the answers. All I know is that things will be difficult for us. They're not going to stop coming for us, they never will. They're just waiting until we let our guard down, until we start to feel safe again.
I feel Mulder holding me tighter, pulling me closer against his chest. I smile to myself, and rest my tired head on his shoulder.
What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing
My love, you know that you're my best friend
You know I'd do anything for you
And my love, let nothing come between us
My love for you is strong and true
Beside the bed, William stirs in his crib, but doesn't wake. I resist the motherly urge to get up and check on him, and nuzzle Mulder's hot skin against my lips, and against the rest of my body.
Slowly, my mind drifts back to our first meeting, and I can't help but smile. It's taken me a lot of years, but I can no longer deny that he's been right about everything all this time. Well, perhaps not everything, because some of his theories were too far fetched to be acceptable, but about everything that matters. I'll probably always stick to a healthy amount of scepticism, but that doesn't stop me from accepting certain truths that have now become undeniable.
"Scully, stop staring at me," Mulder mumbles, his face half buried in the pillow. "Either go to sleep or do something useful,". He opens his eyes and gives me a meaningful look. I smirk and tap him playfully on the arm.
"I was just thinking," I say, softly so I won't wake William, "or reminiscing on our first cases, actually. Nothing important."
Mulder doesn't reply, just lets out a 'hm' and then closes his eyes again. I place a soft kiss on his chin and close mine as well. I wish I could say that I don't care about what happens tomorrow, or the day after that, but all that matters at this moment is that Mulder is here with me. My partner, my lover, my best friend…
Without having had the intention, I begin to pray.
Oh God, if you're out there won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
I used to pray all the time when Mulder was missing, when I was pregnant and worried about the baby. But lately, things have been going so well that I haven't even thought about it. Still, I feel the need to talk to Him. I'm thankful for getting this much happiness, even if I know it's only for a little while and I ask Him to look after both of the men in my life.
"Amen," I whisper, too soft to sound like more than a breath. As I'm finally starting to doze off, I put my hand on Mulder's chest, drawing slow patterns with my index finger. I let out a deep breath. Maybe praying has helped. The worries are still vaguely present, like a soft nagging in the back of my brain, but I have faith in the future for once.
Oh God, the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
I know he's going away. He hasn't told me when he's planning to leave or where he's going, but he doesn't need to say anything. I know he has to go and that I may never see him again. Every morning, I thank God that he's still sleeping next to me. But even though this, like any night before, might be the last time we ever see one another, it doesn't sink in.
In the back of my mind –or maybe it's my heart –I'm convinced the three of us will be together again, sometime in the future when we don't have to look over our shoulder constantly.
Finally, counting the slow, steady beats of his heart beneath my fingers, I drift off.
Mulder POV
5.22AM
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell
At the crossroads I am standing
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I think to myself. I'm propped up on my elbow looking at Scully, who is finally fast asleep. I've been through hell this year, but right now I have everyone who matters with me in this room. And yet I know I have to leave them, and the sooner the better.
It hurts me, more than anything I've been through lately, that I may never get to see Will grow up. I haven't been very involved in Scully's pregnancy, but in these last couple of weeks, I've grown to love this little wonder with all of my soul.
My heart breaks when I realize that I may never get to see them again. Never smile at Scully fussing over him, or help Will get ready for his first day of school or his first date. For once, Scully is more optimistic about the future than I am, or at least she appears to be. I, on the other hand, have the distinct feeling that if I leave, it will never be just the three of us again…
I slowly turn over onto my other side, carefully so I won't wake her up, and I look at the little boy sleeping soundly in his crib, tucked in under a colourful blanket.
I haven't told Sculy everything. The less she knows, the better. If I want Scully and Wiliam to be safe, if I want to protect them, they can't know where I'm going.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray that you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day and we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face
Scully lets out a slow breath in her sleep, and I flip over again to look at her. She has a little smile on her face that makes her look even more beautiful. I hope it won't be the last time I ever see that smile, but involuntarily I start taking in every inch of her. Her soft skin, the way her hairs fall around her face, the way her eyelashes are trembling slightly, the curves of her body under the covers…
I glance over at the bright red digits on the alarm clock. It's almost six. I slowly start to get up, and shiver when my feet touch the cold floor; I walk across the bedroom as quietly as I can, past the bags that have been packed for over a week, to the other side of the bed.
Scully doesn't wake up when I kneel next to the bed and kiss her softly. She'll probably wake up soon, although I'd prefer it if she didn't. I'm no good at saying goodbye.
I get back onto my feet and head for the shower. It's time I was on my way…
Hold on, hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell…
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