Disclaimer: I don't own any of them
Spoilers: Dispo Day, Lost Son
In a Heartbeat
It had been two days since he had been taken from them, and Calleigh still hadn't been able to cry. She'd shed a few tears, of course, but she had yet to really let go and weep for Tim Speedle. Instead, she was simply numb.
As she watched the coffin being lowered into the ground, Calleigh felt like a part of her was going into the ground right along with it. And she couldn't admit her feelings to anyone; she herself had only just started to recognize them for what they were, and now it was too late to do anything about them. But they were there, and they were making it hard for her to breathe. All she could think right now, over and over, was what a waste his death had been. He had been so young with so much life left to live. Yet, it was over. It was over because he had been too lazy to clean his gun. And, as good as he had been at his job, it hadn't been the first time he'd neglected his weapon. She had made a heartfelt plea to him that last time, hoping that he would change his ways and make it a priority. At the time she had feared this, but she had never imagined that it would actually come to pass. It's the sort of thing that is never supposed to happen to a friend, someone you care deeply about.
When she had discovered the reason his gun had misfired in the jewellery store, she had wanted to hurt someone. She'd wanted to hurt him. Scream and yell and pound her fists against his chest for being so careless. He'd fearlessly gone through life flying by the seat of his pants, thinking he had all the time in the world, and it had gotten him killed. All of his hopes and dreams, his future---all of it had disappeared in a heartbeat.
Calleigh's eyes fell on Tim's grief-stricken parents. She could only imagine the huge sense of loss they were feeling right now. Never having met them before today, Calleigh had no idea what she was going to say when faced with them. What could she say? Nothing they weren't going to hear from dozens of other mourners. She wished she could tell them the truth. Tell them that she had developed a great friendship with their son, one that she had even envisioned possibly turning into something more. As she watched them, she felt no regret over her decision not to reveal the real reason Speed's gun had misfired. Like Horatio had said, there were several reasons why a gun could malfunction, and it would have been speculation for them to specify the reason on the report. With all they had to deal with, at least Tim's parents could still feel great pride in their son's accomplishments.
"Calleigh?" She looked into Eric's red-rimmed eyes and nodded at him through her tears. "You ready to go?" She nodded again, and the two of them began making their way toward the car. Delko had his arm around her as they left the cemetery, and she was grateful to have someone to lean on. She wasn't even sure how much longer her legs would be able to hold her up.
Her mind drifted again, to the past few months, and the times that she and Tim had spent together after work. Rather than going their separate ways to wind down after wrapping up a long case, they had taken to going out for something to eat or drink. During those times, she had seen a side of Tim that was brand new to her. Instead of being all about the sarcastic remarks and gruff demeanour, he had actually opened up and talked to her. It had surprised her how much she enjoyed his company, but what had surprised her even more was how she found herself looking forward to the times they spent together. Her heart fell as she realized that she had never once told him that. Thinking back on the last time she'd seen Tim, Calleigh felt a wave of regret, and tears stung her eyes as she recalled their last exchange. She'd been irritated because he had borrowed her crime-light and forgotten to recharge it before he put it back; she hadn't really been mad, but she wondered now why she'd had to make such a big deal about it. If she had only known that it would be the last time they'd see each other…
"You okay, Calleigh?" Eric asked her softly. Calleigh looked into his concerned eyes and realized they had reached the car.
Giving his hand a squeeze, she nodded. "I will be," she said softly. She didn't have to ask if he was okay; she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was hanging on by a thread. His best friend was gone.
Calleigh wasn't sure how she made it through the wake. It seemed, at times, as though a fog had enveloped her; the whole event had a nightmarish quality to it, and she kept wishing she could just wake up. When Delko finally sought her out, she was relieved that he was just as ready to leave as she was. He drove her home, and they held each other for a long time, Eric's shoulders shaking with silent sobs, before she left the car. Calleigh's heart broke for him—for all of them who were left behind.
It wasn't until she entered the coolness of her apartment and shed her heels, making her way to the bedroom, that she finally gave in to the feelings that had been eating their way through her for two days. Walking hurriedly to her bedroom, the tears blinded her before she could reach the bed. All she could see was Tim's crooked smile and his brown eyes twinkling at her. Burying her head in the pillow, Calleigh cried until she had no more tears left to shed.