I know it's been awhile and I've missed all of you dearly…except those of you who give me shitty reviews…bastards…no sense of humor at all…Anyways, I'm back…back again…shady's bac- Sorry totally went off course with the whole 'skittles' rap…ha ha... Anyways, This is my first Fan Fic in awhile so bear with me. It's about that little encounter that Harry and Dudley have withthe dementorsin the fifth book. So I guess if you haven't read the fifth book then this might be a spoiler...but not really because it doesn't exactly go the way I've written it here...I made it funnier. My sissy sat in the floor and cackled while I wrote it. I am proud.Now back to my Dorito's, enjoy the story.
Disclaimer: Alrighty, technical stuff…Harry Potter and all of the associated characters, events, blah blah blah, are the property of J.K. Rowling and not me. She won't give them to me seeing as how she hates me…and my sick sense of humor…and my silky well taken care of hair that smells of citrus…
Close Encounters of the Demented Kind
Harry walked alone in the street towards the park. 'Why am I walking this late in the evening? I don't know…perhaps to get away from those Dursley's…yeah I think that's it…'
He walked farther, the sun beginning to set behind him. Off in the not to distant horizon, he began to see the park coming into view. There were several rather chubby shadows coming into focus, and immediately he thought, 'Giant living beach balls? Oh no wait, Dudley.' For fear of being beating rather badly…with a sack full of orange peels…to ensure no bruises for evidence…he hid in a small bush on the outskirts of the park. He watched through a small hole in the bush and listened carefully.
He saw a small, skinny blonde boy with thick black glasses upon the ground with a bloody lip. He spoke with a dorky-ish lisp, "Pleasthe misther! My thermosth! It'sth a collectable! Lord of the Ringsth! It hasth Frodo with the one ring! It came with the lunch box. My mom got it for me!" He stopped abruptly when Dudley's friend Pierce knocked him with the said bag of orange peels…
After watching this brutal event take place the gang scattered and Harry was soon discovered by his cousin, Beach Ball, I mean Dudley.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, poorly hiding the sack of orange peels behind his back…
"Umm…taking a walk…I didn't know they played volleyball at the park this late at night." A vision of Dudley, blown up, being passed over a net back and forth, briefly entered his mind.
"Wha?" Dudley asked with a slightly retarded sneer about his face. He then let a small fart.
"Eww..." Harry turned to walk away, towards "home." (seeing as Hogwarts was quite some distance from there, he chose to simply settle with number four privet drive)
Dudley, after finally getting that pesky booger out of his nose and frankly surprised he didn't need the use of a spoon to do so, noticed Harry's retreat. "Oh no I'm coming with you to make sure you don't get into trouble."
Harry snickered. As they walked home together, the sky became darker, and they had decided to perhaps take a short cut…they looked down an alley to their right, and then to the road in front of them. The road, still lit from the setting sun, the birds were still singing, and this looked like a much easier path. The alley however, littered with trash and small spider webs, was dark and dreary…somewhere, an owl hooted…
But seeing as this is a Harry Potter story and seeing as how that damn kid can't keep his nose in the right place and has not one bit of common sense in that hollow little head of his, often decided to take the cold, dreary, smelling-of-death alley instead of the nice well lit, nice neighborhood, street where the house is just around the corner…they ultimately chose to take the alley…
Dudley sniffed, "What's the smell?"
"Didn't you hear the narrator? That's death stupid." Harry replied, shaking his head…
"…ohhh…."
As they walked through the already cold and once again dreary alley, the got even colder and drearier than it was before. Harry thought this peculiar, and somehow familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on what was wrong…
Then from out of nowhere Harry heard a loud but distant scream. "Wow Dudley you scream like a girl…"
"That wasn't me! What scream?! Are you a schizophrenic freak? You know people with that hear things!" Dudley shouted in his defense.
"And how, pray tell do YOU know what schizophrenic means?" Harry raised an eyebrow at him.
"Mum and Dad got me a Word-of-the-Day desk calendar…"
"Well no I'm not schizophrenic and I'm pretty sure that you have a case of tricemy 21 (that would me he has down syndrome)." Harry replied.
"Well that sounds cool." Puffing his chest outward in pride.
Back to where we were. Out of nowhere everything went extremely cold. Everything went extremely dark. Everything went extremely clichéd. A dementor popped out of nowhere and was headed right for them. Harry sprung into action and pulled out his wand.
"HARRY YOU GIT! WAIT A MINUTE!" Dudley screamed. Harry stopped and gave Dudley his best Damn-You're-An-Idiot look. "Don't kill him! That's Pierce! He said he'd meet me down here to show me his new Halloween costume!"
Upon looking back at the "dementor," the hood was down and sure enough, Pierce's head was showing. "Hey Duds, what's your freak cousin doing here?"
Dudley quickly grabbed Harry by the collar of his shirt and acted as if he were dragging him. "Oh ya know, I caught him out late and figured I'd smack him around a little, and take him home."
"Oh ok, how you like my new costume? I'll be the scariest one this year!"
"Yeah you sure will! I want one just like it!" Dudley and Pierce laughed together over this apparently "funny" situation they had gotten themselves into. Harry immediately thought that this was a scene for a bad soap opera or bad prime time sitcom…
Then from out of nowhere, another dementor appeared behind Pierce! Harry once again sprung into action only this time was stopped by Dudley's strong grip that was still on his shirt collar. So instead of reaching for his wand, he reached and quickly landed firmly back on the ground with a thud.
Pierce turned around (and by this time had put his hood back up and making slightly retarded moaning and groaning noises as if he were a ghost or demon or some shit) and looked the dementor, yes a real one, in the face. The real dementor, having mistaken Pierce for one of his own kind began speaking to him. (This part will be translated for those who do not speak demenorish)
"GGAAAHHHH MMMMAAAAAAHHH (Hey Howie is that you?)"
Pierce looked at him blankly.
"BBAAAAHHHHH OHHHHHHHHH PPAAAAAAA (Dude! It's me, Bill! What's up man?!)
Once again…blankly.
"UUUHHHHHHH HHHIIIIISSSSSSSS PPPPPPBBBBBBLLLL! (I didn't know Umbie dispatched you to this alley too! Did you catch the game last night? The Chiefs won by one point! Hooray! Lousy raiders…)
Pierce looked to Dudley and Harry. Dudley (unfortunately) spoke first, "Dude, maybe he's trying to talk to you, try and talk back."
Pierce turned to the dementor and attempted to speak, "Uhh…BBBLLLAAAAHHHH, PPPPAAAAAAA BBBBBOOOOOOOO (Well Bill, I like men.)"
"HHHHAAAAAAAAAAA BBBBOOOOOOOOO RRRRRRRHHHHHAAAAAAA (Whoa man, Raider's fan? Never seen a football game turn someone gay…)"
"KKKKKAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHEEEEEEE MMMMMMMUUUUUU (Your sister is hot though…)"
"BBBBBBEEEEEEEE HHHHHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSSIIIII KKKKKOOOOOOOONN BBBBBBBIIIIIIIIII (You keep your skelety hands off my sister sicko. I'll kiss your ass)"
Harry asked, "By the way, What ARE you saying pierce?"
"Umm…I told him that it was a nice day out. I think I made a friend."
It was at that point that the REAL dementor rushed forward and sucked the soul out of Pierce. He fell to the ground, his hood coming off of his head showing his true self. Harry and Dudley fled.
The dementor paused… "HHHHHAAAAAA KKKKKKEEEEEEE NNNNNNNUUUUUUU BBBBBBAAAAAAAA (Hmm…that wasn't Howie…Punk ass little kid, trying to be a dementor, I got no sympathy. Howie has been asking about my sister though…)"
THE END.