Chapter 10: Count Dooku's Punishment

The Jedi met up to discuss strategy. Anakin let Nan and Grievous go to the meeting. He figured it would be a laugh. Shaak Ti was very displeased to see them.

"What is that thing doing here?" She asked.

"I suppose I am mostly a thing, by mass," said Grievous.

"They could be useful for the war effort," said Anakin.

"Hardly," said Plo Koon. "Any information they know is probably obsolete by now. Dooku would have made sure of it."

"Get them out of here!" Said Shaak Ti.

"If I may be allowed to say something," said Grievous.

"We don't want to hear it," said Shaak Ti.

"Let him speak," said Luminara Unduli. "It is a freedom we all should have and one that is threatened too often."

"I know you won't believe me," continued Grievous, "and you have every right not to believe me, but I'm sorry. I have done you all a terrible wrong. I have killed your friends for no good reason. I'm a different person now, but again, I'm not asking you to believe me or forgive me. I'm just sorry and will be for the rest of my life."

Shaak Ti groaned and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. She could feel his sincerity but the last thing she wanted was to acknowledge that. Plo Koon indicated that Nan and Grievous be seated. Nan raised a hand.

"I have a very important question to ask," she said. "It's been bothering me for a long, long time. I just can't sit still until I have the answer." She looked at all the Jedi in turn to make sure she had their full, undivided attention.

"What is it?" Asked Obi Wan.

"If my ass learned how to use the Force, could it be trained as a Jedi?"

Without waiting for an answer (not that there was one) Nan laughed and banged the table with her fist. Grievous chuckled with his eyes closed. The Jedi did not smile.

"If you won't be serious," Plo Koon finally said, "don't speak up at all."

"Oh fuck me," said Nan, "life is not worth living if we have to be serious all the time."

Obi Wan shook his head in resignation. He had been pacing back and forth next to the window the whole time and had not taken his chair since he entered the conference room. Nan watched him a tad earnestly. Obi Wan decided to get down to business and sat in his chair.

Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhft!

It was a burst of released air from the whoopee cushion Nan had planted a few hours ago when Anakin told her about the meeting. Nan and Grievous started laughing so hard it looked like they would hurt themselves. Obi Wan just gazed at them for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen," he said at last, "I guess I just couldn't hold it in."

The other Jedi grinned and laughed too. The tension of Nan and the General's presence was dispelled. It took a while for people to settle down and start talking business, and even that didn't last long. Everybody was in too good a mood to discuss strategy and the meeting ended up being more of a social gathering. The Jedi chatted amongst themselves and called for some food to be brought up. Grievous and Obi Wan got into a long conversation about the various battles they'd been in together.

"We've never fought long enough to determine which of us is superior because you kept running away," said Obi Wan.

"I'll take you on any time," said the General. "But it has to be fair. You can't use the Force."

"Perhaps we'll do that sometime."

Plo Koon wanted to know about some of the unethical research projects going on at S3F. Nan racked her brains and decided to tell about a shocking one.

"A scientist named Dr. Vaxyor thought that he'd successfully isolated the midi-chlorians. He got a bunch of poor people to sign contracts saying S3F was not responsible for the outcome and infused them with his concoctions. After twenty-two people got their heads blown up, he lost his funding."

The Jedi muttered in disapproval and decided to bomb the hell out of S3F whenever they got the chance. Nan felt she should warn Kevin and Kate, who weren't all bad. She got into a discussion with Luminara about the trials Jedi face when they're still Padawans.

"A Jedi has to be above temptation," said Luminara. "We have to be able to go without the things that make us happy. When I was a Padawan, I decided to go a month without pursuing my hobby, painting. Do you think you could go at least a week without doing something you really enjoy, such as cursing?"

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Asked Nan.

Ahsoka enjoyed the camaraderie between the Jedi and the ex-Separatists until she thought of how rarely they got to spend time together like this. Everything was about war and fighting evil. Would the war ever be over? She'd never had a chance to just be a teenager and probably never would. She didn't resent it but she felt rather wistful sometimes. She told her thoughts to Grievous, whom she was starting to regard as a kindly fellow. The others also listened in.

"I also never got the chance to be a teenager," said the General. "I became a military captain when I was twelve years old. I spent my time fighting and killing. Most of my people are dead now. They got into a dispute with the Zygerrians over slaves and were nearly exterminated. The Separatists killed the Zygerrians who killed my people who killed the people of Isstar who killed the Vindolians. There's always a bigger fish."[1]

"What would you have done if things were different?" Asked Ahsoka.

"I don't know," said Grievous. "The past is over and gone. All this shoulda, woulda, coulda stuff is for philosophers and lazy people. A more interesting question is this: what will you do if the war ends in a satisfactory manner and peace is actually restored?"

"I…I guess I'll continue to train as a Jedi," said Ahsoka.

"I know what I'll do," said Nan.

"Get married to General Grievous?" Suggested Anakin, who'd been observing them for a while and found the idea very amusing.

"Actually, it would make sense from a tax perspective," said Grievous. "I've been trying to cheat the IRS for years. I almost managed to convince them that half a million droids were my dependents."

"Let's get back to the original question," said Nan, "because I think marriage is a flimsy social construct and an impediment to evolution, regardless of tax benefits. Now, I may be a genius scientist, an excellent engineer, a professional hacker, and damn good at bowling, but I actually have other ambitions. I have often dreamed about opening up a little restaurant/delicatessen that sells only insect-related treats, with arthropods thrown in for the more distinguished palate. I would call it 'Bug Bites,' a double entendre. People throughout the galaxy would wait in line for a taste of my delectable spider burgers."

"I'd go there," said Anakin.

"I also have other ambitions," said Grievous. "All this fighting and military strategy is fun to read about but a pain in the ass to perform. I have recently decided that my future is in finance. I think I would make a terrific financial advisor. I can see them now: happy, satisfied customers who came to me to fix their messed up accounts, investments, and retirement plans."

"Where is Nan in this dream of yours?" Asked Ahsoka.

"Why, she's right there!" Said Grievous. "We would find a nice, suburban type planet and buy houses right next to each other. We'd have a gate between our fences and come see each other almost every day. We'd subscribe to JUCS and keep up to date with the latest advances in science; perhaps we'd even act as reviewers sometimes. We'd come visit you and throw you the party to end all parties when you became a Jedi Knight."

"Then, after we got tired of the sessile lifestyle," said Nan, "we'd buy a cool star ship and go off to explore the farthest reaches of the galaxy. We would face extraordinary peril and barely escape with our lives, discovering new civilizations and solving mysteries. And finally, after we became old and wise, we would come back and write a book about our adventures."

Everybody looked down and some sighed, knowing that this wonderful future was out of their reach. The darkness was approaching and despite their best efforts, it would overpower them. Hope, if it ever came, would be too late for Nan and Grievous. The meeting came to an end. Most of the Jedi who were present as holograms signed off. The others started making their way to their rooms.

"Still, I have a question," said Nan.

"It better not have anything to do with your ass," said Obi Wan.

"No, I just want to know this… Grievous and I did awful things. We deserved painful deaths, but instead we met each other and had a great time. Why is that? We didn't deserve that. Why did such a good thing happen to us when we were evil villains? Is it just because good things happen to bad people?"

Master Yoda was present as a hologram. He hadn't talked much during the meeting, but he decided to respond to this question.

"Get what we deserve, we often do not. Who decides, we do not know. Right you are, Nancy, in that evil villains you were, but defeated them, you have. No small task, it was. Dark, is the future. Thankful, we must be, for the times we have been given."[2]

Nan and Grievous thanked him and turned to go. Yoda chuckled and added, "Answer your earlier question, I will. An ass, a Jedi can become."

Everybody left the meeting room. Nan and Grievous did not speak for a while and stood looking at a space cloud through a window.

"It's too late now, but I have been thinking of changing my name," said Grievous. "I'm kind of tired of having an adjective for a name. You could do with a change too, Ms. Tam."

"Excuse me? Ms. Tam? Don't you mean Dr. Tam?"

"You don't have a degree! Not even a bachelor's! You're about as educated as a lead brick."

"I have done enough work during all my years as a research scientist to have ten degrees!"

"But you never wrote or defended a dissertation!"

This was their second favorite argument after "Who was Whose Protégée?" and had a few more lines to it but Ahsoka ran over and told them that they were receiving a transmission from Count Dooku. Nan and Grievous followed her to a control room where Dooku was patiently waiting for them to arrive. Obi Wan and many others were there too.

"Ah, you're here," said Dooku.

"Yes, and I want to show you something," said Grievous. "I think I've finally figured out why you decided to have the doctors build me four arms."

He showed Dooku four middle fingers.

"How mature," said the Count. "But anyway, I suggest you don't waste your time on silliness. My master and I have decided that you and the scientist need to be punished by us, and not the Republic Senate. I don't doubt that you convinced the gullible Jedi that you're on the side of good, so they'll be reluctant to hand you over. I've got something that should change their minds. Do you remember the flying prison ship End of Days? I've filled its cells with harmless innocents from all over the galaxy, and various prisoners of war. If you two don't give yourselves up, I will order all of them to be executed within twenty-four hours."

He gave them the coordinates of the ship and signed off.

"End of Days? That's an even lousier name for a ship than the Despair," said Anakin.

Nan kicked him and said, "The Despair was the greatest ship ever built!"

The Jedi discussed the news anxiously and looked suspiciously at Nan and Grievous. Nan decided to allay their fears. She jumped onto Grievous' head.

"Guys, guys, guys, enough jerking off amongst yourselves. General Grievous and I are going to give ourselves up to Count Doofus for the greater good. End of story. We're not going to try to escape or anything."

"Does he agree with that?" Asked Obi Wan.

"I would look like a real dick if I didn't," said Grievous.

"We have to come up with a plan," said Obi Wan. "I don't trust Count Dooku."

After a while, they had a plan ready. Nan and Grievous would travel to the End of Days alone and would sneak aboard without Dooku noticing. They would get plans of the ship and information about where all the prisoners were kept, the codes to open the cells, etc., and send that to the Republic forces. Then they would engage Dooku, hopefully long enough for the Republic to arrive and sneak most of the prisoners out. Nan and Grievous would also devise a passcode that would somehow be uttered when Dooku had defeated them, which he probably would do. Then the Republic forces would know that Dooku was coming and would have to wind up the whole operation.

"We're sending them to their deaths," said Ahsoka.

"You've faced death nearly every day, Snips," said Anakin.

"But it's certain for them. They have no hope."

"It's their choice."

There were ships to prepare and besides, they still had some time, so they dispersed after Nan told everybody the passcode she'd chosen. It was kind of strange, but what the hell. Nan and Grievous went to the cafeteria. Nan ordered some hamburgers and other junk for her last meal, diet be damned. Grievous got a pen and paper and started putting his estate in order. He had a lot of money hidden away and he didn't want all his (mostly illegal) work to go to waste.

Ahsoka came when the General called her. He gave her an envelope.

"You're a good person," he said. "I like you. I've named you my heir, not that any lawyers will hear of it. This document should allow you to access the money I've secreted away over the years."

"But…I'm a Jedi. I can't have…"

"Money is freedom, child. You may need it someday. I can't leave it to charity. These days, any charity that claims to be providing resources to kittens is really feeding fat cats. Take it and go. Nan and I would like to be alone these last few hours."

"I'm so sorry."

"It was nice knowing you."

Eventually the time came to start making final preparations. Nan ran off to get a computer that would allow her to hack into the mainframe of the End of Days. She met up with everybody else on the bridge and turned baleful eyes on the Jedi and clones.

"It's better that we get to go out now because there's a shitstorm brewing in the works and I don't want to be here when that rain starts to fall!"

She and Grevious got in a small ship and took off after saluting everyone. They arrived at the End of Days before Dooku was expecting them and managed to sneak onboard undetected. First they did as they'd told the Jedi. They got the information about the ship and sent it off. Then they captured some droids and Nan reprogrammed them. Naturally, it was useless to reprogram droids to attack Count Dooku. He could wade through droids like water. Nan gave these droids another objective. Once that was done, they went back to the small hangar where they'd left their ship and pretended they'd just arrived. They called Dooku and he didn't even bother to come out and meet them. He just told them were he was.

The End of Days, being a prison, had a prison yard in the center with a force field instead of a ceiling and artificial atmosphere. They paused before entering the yard and regarded each other. It was not their own deaths that bothered them, but that of the other. The General looked at Nan, a creature full of vitality, strength, and determination, and could not assuage the grief that assailed him at the thought of her destruction. Nan gazed on him, her only friend, who had turned out to be so much kinder, smarter, and more adventurous than anybody expected, and could not believe it was all to end so soon.

They went into the yard. They saw Count Dooku. They started laughing so hard, it seemed a wonder that Nan didn't rupture her stomach or the General hark up his voice simulator. Count Dooku was not wearing any pants. He had pulled his cloak around his hips as a skirt. It wasn't a very good fit.

"Is this your doing?" He asked.

They just laughed some more.

"So the last act of your lives was to program some droids to follow me into the bathroom and steal my pants. Congratulations."

The image of droids pulling away the Count's pants while he was taking a whiz was too much for the General and Nan. It took a while for them to calm down. Count Dooku tapped his foot against the ground, looked at his watch, and counted stars. Although he could have cut them down while they were laughing, they wouldn't have even noticed, he refused to kill laughing idiots. It was dishonorable. Finally they stopped, with a few sighs, and turned on their lightsabers.

"I know all your moves, General," said Dooku. "I taught you everything you know."

"But you didn't teach me how to multiply matrices or solve differential equations."

"Is that going to help you in this battle?"

"No, it just feels good to say it."

They attacked. Nan and Grievous had only two goals—to prolong the battle and get Dooku to stop fighting with one hand behind his back like a pretentious jerk. Goal 2 was already a success. Dooku's cloak skirt started slipping and he had to hold it closed with one hand.

Goal 1 was harder to achieve. Dooku was relentless and annoyed. They had wasted enough of his time. He smashed Nan into the wall with the Force before she could do anything and engaged Grievous in a complicated series of parries and blows that Nan couldn't follow, after she got up. Dooku certainly knew all of Grievous' tricks, except for the few he'd picked up training with Nan. Grievous usually didn't attack with all four arms until later in the battle, but Dooku was getting the better of him and he pulled out all his lightsabers. He spun them and tried to disarm the Count. Nan got up and attacked Dooku from behind. He expected that, grabbed her in the air with the Force, and tossed her at Grievous, who barely managed to stop spinning his weapons in time to not slice her up.

Nan tumbled over his back. Dooku attacked and cut off one of his arms. Nan threw a rock at him, figuring that would be unexpected. It was, but it didn't hurt him much. Grievous also tried something unexpected. He turned off his lightsabers and knocked into Dooku, sending them both sprawling. Dooku tried to keep his cloak from falling off and, for a moment, was distracted. See? That was another reason to steal his pants besides the hilarity. Grievous righted himself quickly and slashed at the Count, but Dooku stopped his lightsaber with the Force and slashed back more successfully. The General cried out and jumped back, clutching his head with one hand. Dooku had cut off half his face shield, revealing the mangled flesh underneath. Nan leaped at the Count but he smashed her into the wall with the Force again.

Grievous shook his head to clear the pain away and renewed the attack. He tried everything he knew but Dooku was a better fighter. Nan got smashed into the wall a few more times until she felt quite battered. The General lost another arm. Then there came a moment when they all knew that the battle was nearly over. Grievous and Dooku attacked for the last time. Dooku got the upper hand and smashed his lightsaber into the General's chest, destroying air filters, pump, and circuitry. Nan cried out and rushed toward her falling friend, just as Dooku slashed at her and gave her a fatal blow.

Although the idea of hiring just about anybody to replace Grievous was a possibility, Dooku was quite used to the old General. Suddenly he had an idea. He didn't need to hire anybody new. He could just clone Grievous and use some Sith mind tricks to make the clone think it remembered a bunch of stuff from before Nan arrived.[3] Dooku smiled at his own cleverness and hoisted up his skirt. Some movement in the corner of the yard caught his attention. A couple of droids were climbing down from the flagpole. The false atmosphere in the yard included some wind to make the flag flap.

However, it was not the flag of the Confederacy on the flagpole anymore. It was Count Dooku's pants. He groaned. One last trick from Nan and Grievous. Even dead, they were still making a fool of him! Dooku used the Force to pull his pants off the pole. This activated speakerphones all over the ship that the droids had installed.

"Warning, Count Dooku is taking down his pants. Warning, Count Dooku is taking down his pants," said the voice over the speakerphones.

Obi Wan, Anakin, and the rest of the Jedi were almost done rescuing the prisoners. Thanks to Nan and Grievous' extra-long laughing fit, they'd had plenty of time. They heard the announcement.

"What could that mean?" Wondered Obi Wan.

"I don't know, maybe Jabba is here?" Said Anakin.

Then they remembered that this was the passcode Nan had chosen. It was time to go. In the prison yard, the droids cleaned up the mess.

Footnotes

[1] Qui-Gon Jinn said this in "The Phantom Menace." See? Sometimes I actually quote something that's relevant to the Star Wars Universe!

[2] I apologize if my Yoda speech is not up to par!

[3] That's how I fix the discrepancies between the Clone Wars series, the 2003 cartoon, and Revenge of the Sith. In the 2003 cartoon, Grievous was a lean, mean, killing machine, both in the beginning and in the end when he kidnapped Palpatine. This character is incongruous with his cowardly behavior in the Clone Wars series. Plus, in Revenge of the Sith, he doesn't know Anakin and Obi Wan even though according to the Clone Wars series, they'd met many times. Hence, if the original dies but Dooku clones him near the end of the war, it would explain why he acts like he did in the beginning and why he doesn't know the Jedi: because the clone never met them before.

I firmly believed the story was over but then a year or so later I did write a sequel called "Centripetal." Because I'm a narcissist who wants to control everything, it didn't stay canon, but the fact that I brought Nan and Grievous back to life is very much in Star Wars spirit. After all, people get burned to a crisp, impaled, cut in half, etc., but they just won't die!