Disclaimer: Actually, I don't own anybody.
A/N: If you haven't seen the movie, you might want to wait to read this. This is just something I was thinking about after seeing the movie. Anyway, this is my idea of what occurs between the time when Josephine and "Captain Sham" go back to her house and when the Baudelaires get there. If it sucks, it's not my problem. Well, it kind of is, but whatever. If you don't like it, too bad. I'm a sucker for romances, so get over it. Flame my story if you must. Anyway, enjoy. Or not. Whatever.
Breaking the Wide Window
"I must apologize for the children," Josephine said to the captain. "They've had a very traumatic experience and I suppose they're a little shaken." She looked up in fear and whimpered. The wind was strong and she felt rather guilty for leaving the children all alone in all of it. But she mustn't be rude to Captain Sham.
"'Tis quite all right," he said. "I can understand their pain. Losing a leg can have much the same affect as losing a loved one."
Josephine was about to state that the children in her guardianship had lost not one, but two loved ones in the fire when a sudden gust of wind nearly swept her off her feet. She let out another pitiful sound and fell into Captain Sham, who's arm was already linked in hers. He caught her, coincidentally slipping his arm around her waist. She blushed madly as he smiled at her.
"Let's hurry home, shall we?" she said. She kept her head down the whole rest of the way, trying to hide the fact that she was tickled completely pink by this man.
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"Don't do that!" she practically yelled at Captain Sham.
He moved his hand slowly away from the doorknob and said, "Then how do you propose we are to get into the house?"
She pushed the door open gingerly and said, "I don't use the doorknobs in this house. I'm always afraid that they'll break into a million little pieces and one will hit me in the eye."
"That's a very rational fear, ma'am," the captain said, stepping into the decrepit old structure.
Josephine stepped in as well, closing the door but being very careful not to touch the doorknob. "Would you like the grand tour?" she asked, gesturing in a very silly manner around the house.
He turned to her and said, "That would be lovely, ma'am." He held out his hand and Josephine couldn't help but smile as she took it.
"Well, this is the kitchen," she said, glancing around the room. "But don't stand in front of the refrigerator. If it fell, it could crush you flat." Captain Sham merely nodded.
"It's a bit cold in here," he noted. "Do you mind if I turn up the heat?"
"No," Josephine said. "I mean, yes. Yes, I do mind. I never turn on the radiator. I'm afraid it might explode, you see."
"All right, then," he said.
"So," Josephine said. She removed her hand from the captain's and clapped them together. Not wanting to leave a sentenced unfinished, she said, "So, would you like to see the study?"
"That would be marvelous," he said. He took her hand again and she led him into the study. She sighed and looked out of the wide window. "Lovely window you got there," the captain said.
"Thank you," she said simply. She walked up to it and put her hand on the glass, looking sadly out onto Lake Lachrymose (did I spell that right?), sighing.
Mean whilst, Captain Sham did some poking around in a room that Josephine had forgotten to point out. The door creaked open slowly and he peeked inside. It was too dark to see anything. Normally, he would have poked his abnormally large nose in and explored freely, paying the owner of the house no nevermind as to their privacy, but since he wanted to gain this woman's trust, he cleared his throat and asked, "Would I be violating your privacy if I stepped into this room here?"
Josephine shook herself out of her trance and said, "What?" Then she turned to face the captain and noticed the room which he was talking about. "Oh no. I mean, yes you would. That was Ike's room. My husband. Or rather, he was my husband." Her lower lip quivered and she felt her knees buckle. She was afraid something like this would happen. She then broke down and fell to her already weak knees, burying her face in her hands.
But what felt like moments later, a hand was on her wrist, pulling it from her face. She looked teary-eyed into the face of Captain Sham. "Now, I'll be having none of that," he said, lifting up her chin.
She sniffled one last time and blinked back more tears. "Thank you," she whispered.
"My pleasure," he said. He forced a smile out of her and she looked away for a few seconds, or tried to, because she already knew what was coming. "Now," the captain continued, "if you would be so kind as to return the favor."
Josephine nodded slowly and took a deep breath before moving her head closer, also very slowly. But then, the wild, adventurous part of her took over, and she practically threw herself on the man. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he slid his arms around her waist. Their lips locked, Josephine felt a rush of freedom like she had not experienced in years. She smiled as best as one could in the middle of a kiss. She never wanted the moment to end.
Unfortunately, it did when Captain Sham broke the kiss and smiled. But it was not a good smile. It was more of an evil grin. Josephine's own smile faded as Captain Sham let out a nasty chuckle and pulled her quite roughly off the floor. "And now, my dear Josephine, I have a surprise for you," he said. He pulled off the hat and peeled off some of the facial hair. He then ripped off the sailor's clothing, revealing and elegant black suit and pulled off, with some difficulty, I might add, his wooden leg.
"Count Olaf," Josephine gasped.
"Yes, your beloved Count Olaf, you stupid woman!" he almost yelled. He then slapped her quite hard, sending her tumbling to the floor. "Now," he said, pulling her off the floor more roughly than he had the first time, "I want you to will the children to me."
Josephine welled up all the courage her shaking form possessed and said sternly, "No."
Olaf's evil grin faded and he said, "What?"
"No," Josephine said, poking Olaf hard in the chest.
Olaf sighed. "Why do you make me hit you?" he said quietly. He raised his hand and slapped her again. "Write it!" he yelled at the shaking woman.
"All right, all right," she said, scurrying over to her desk. She grabbed a pen and a clean sheet of paper. She sighed and closed her eyes. What could she do? 'Think, Josephine, think!' she thought to herself. She opened her eyes momentarily and peered around the room. And then, she almost gasped as she noticed something. Her grammar book. Of course! She would code the writing! Figuring Olaf would push her out the window, that is. She just hoped that the children would be able to decipher it. So she sighed and began the grammatical errors. She winced at every word she spelled wrong.
"What is taking you so long!?" Olaf yelled.
"I'm almost done," Josephine said, pen gliding over paper.
"Well, hurry up," he said in a very agitated voice.
A few moments later, Josephine announced, "Done."
Olaf took her hand and helped her up form the chair, saying, "That's a good girl." He took her in his arms and kissed her. He put his arms around her waist and twirled her around, so much so that Josephine hoped that he was a changed man, that he would sweep her off her feet and carry her away. How ridiculous.
Well, the twirling did indeed sweep her off her feet...and out the window. Olaf chuckled most unpleasantly as Josephine fell, screaming. He waved to her before walking toward the desk. He laughed some more and picked up the note.
Now, Olaf's grammar was not perfect, but he not stupid. His eyes widened in a mix of annoyance and fear. The grammatical errors! The will was coded! "The scoundrel!" he said aloud. He pinned the letter to a nearby chain and quickly put the Captain Sham outfit back on. He then glanced quickly around the house before exiting stage left (aka front door).
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Okay. Not much, and probably not that great. But if you hated it, there won't be another chapter! Good for you! Just tell me what you think. Peace.