Chapter 4

He smiled, removing his prize from beneath the pillow. It was just after dark, and Erestor had finally gone to bed. Glorfindel did not mind Erestor's presence. In some ways, it helped him to almost forget that he would never see Elrond again. It was just that Erestor was so motherly that Glorfindel felt like he was being smothered. Now he was all alone, and he had finally managed to smuggle this dagger in unseen. Erestor was extremely canny at finding all of Glorfindel's captured weapons.

The dagger was not his own. He had taken it from one of the men at the funeral. He had slipped it up his sleeve and Erestor had not noticed. Now he was all alone, and soon he would be with Elrond again. That was what was most important. Only now it was not sorrow he felt, nor depression, only a solemn determination to end his life. That meant that his wrists were a less viable option than, say, his carotid. He placed the cool tip of the blade to his throat, testing his own courage. Erestor had called him brave. It would take a truly brave man to be able to kill himself. Now Glorfindel had to see if he was as brave as everyone liked to call him.

He took a deep breath. He had to think about this. This could not be any spur of the moment decision. He was too rational for that right now. Any decision he was about to make had to be a rational one. Firstly, then, he had to think about those that he would leave behind. Notably, there was Erestor. It was difficult to know how Erestor would take it. Glorfindel really didn't know Erestor as well as he might like to. It was fairly safe to say, though, that there was much that Erestor could not do in Imladris. Imladris would not remain long with just Erestor ruling it. That was one thing in favor of Glorfindel putting the dagger down right now.

Then again, there were the pros to killing himself. He would see Elrond again. He was sure of that. Also, all the emotional and psychological pain would gone and there would be no more feelings of hopelessness and absolute endless despair that would never be fixed. Glorfindel knew that that alone would be worth dying.

Glorfindel looked up to hear a chirping from the window. He looked over and saw the cardinal at the window. Picking up a small something from the table nearest to him, he chucked it at the bird. With a reproving squawk, the bird flew off. Glorfindel shook his head. The bird knew nothing. The bird did not feel his pain. The bird understood nothing about why this was the right choice for him.

Glorfindel took in a deep breath. This had to be done quickly, or he knew he would lose his nerve. He felt his hand trembling and hated himself for this momentary weakness. He shook his head and gripped the dagger tightly. Soon he would be with his beloved again. In one smooth stroke, he sliced through his neck.

Erestor laid down in bed. It had been a long day. What with the funeral and then comforting Glorfindel all through the rest of the day, he was more exhausted than he had ever been. He would have never thought that it would be. He dreaded thinking about what it would be like to run Imladris. He remembered seeing Elrond exhausted at the end of nearly every day. And Elrond was far better at these administrative things than he was. Erestor knew that this would test him as nothing else had.

He closed his eyes and Elrond's face entered his mind's eye. That caring, casual smile and the long nights that the two had once spent together as friends, drinking, watching the stars, playing chess, talking. A very long time ago, Erestor had made the most grievous mistake of his life. He had fallen in love with Elrond. At the time, such a thing was not an impossibility, and for a while, Erestor had thought that Elrond might grow to care for him, too. Only months after Erestor had decided that he loved Elrond, Elrond had met Glorfindel. It had been love at first sight for both of them. Erestor had known that he stood no chance.

Erestor had loved Elrond from afar for millennia. He had never really hated Glorfindel. As a reasonably rational elf, he knew that Glorfindel was not to blame, as Erestor had never had the courage to tell Elrond of his love. Erestor became friends with Glorfindel, though he had never quite been able to stay as close to Elrond. It hurt too much. He had never fallen in love again, and doubted that he ever would. Elrond had captured his heart fully and Elrond would always have his heart, even though he was now dead.

A soft chirping from the window pulled him out of his musings. He looked up and saw the cardinal on the windowsill. Erestor knew a few words of the cardinal's tongue, and could make out some of what the bird said. Mostly, what he got out of it was 'danger'. Rising from his bed, he dashed down the hall to Glorfindel's room. The door was locked. Erestor sighed. He took a few paces back from the door and threw his shoulder into it. The door crashed open.

Erestor did not care about the stinging pain in his shoulder. That didn't matter. What mattered was Glorfindel, who was collapsed down on a chair, streams of red coursing down his clothes. As Erestor watched, the bloody dagger slipped from Glorfindel's hand to land with a dull clatter on the floor. Walking over, Erestor could tell that Glorfindel was still alive, if only barely.

"Glorfindel, why do you do this?" murmured Erestor under his breath. He inspected the wound quickly. It was not as deep as Erestor might have expected. Perhaps it was not fatal. He called at the top of his lungs for someone to help him. Meanwhile, he ripped a length of the sheets off of Glorfindel's bed and bound it around Glorfindel's neck. Erestor looked up at the cardinal, which had joined him and was waiting outside the window. Casting a glance at Glorfindel, Erestor opened the window and the bird flew in to land on his shoulder, chirping happily.

Glorfindel awoke and realized that he was not in the Halls of Waiting. Instead, he was lying in a clean bed with white sheets. The air smelled like flowers and fresh earth. He reached up to his neck and felt a thick bandage there. Grimacing, he tried to decide how Erestor had caught him this time. A soft twittering issued from beside him. "Stupid damned bird," he mumbled.

"That stupid damned bird saved your life," said Erestor, walking over with a beatific smile. He sat down on the bed beside Glorfindel.

"I don't want to live," said Glorfindel. "I want to die. I want to be with Elrond."

"You swore to me that you would try to live."

"I tried…"

"You did nothing of the sort. As soon as I left, you attempted to kill yourself. Only the bird saved you. I cannot trust you to be alone…"

"What am I, a child?"

"Elrond would not want you to die. I won't let you die."

"So now what? You'll be at my side all the time?"

Erestor smiled. "Absolutely." He ran his hand through Glorfindel's golden hair. "I want you alive. Imladris needs you alive. Elrond would not want to see you die. I can guarantee that. I knew him longer than you."

"You're driving me insane."

"That's the plan."

Erestor collapsed down into the chair, exhaustion heavying his eyelids. Glorfindel was sleeping peacefully in the bed in the healing ward. Erestor knew that he didn't actually have to stay, as there were healers here all the time, but he felt that he owed Elrond this much. Elrond, why did you have to go and die? All of us loved you far too much. Erestor wondered idly if Glorfindel would hate him if he knew how Erestor had always felt about Elrond.

"'Restor?" asked Glorfindel sleepily.

Erestor opened his eyes. "Yes?"

"Are you still here?"

Erestor felt that that was a remarkably stupid question, but said, "Of course I'm here, Glorfindel. Sleep now."

"Will you stay all night?"

"I promised that I would stay here with you."

"What will we do tomorrow?"

Erestor smiled at this. "So we are going to try to rule Imladris ourselves?" A brief nod from Glorfindel. "Then tomorrow, we shall deal with the trade party from Mirkwood and the diplomat from Lorien. They have been waiting here for several days now, and I have been waiting until you are in control of yourself before I leave you alone for too long. It appears that that was the right thing to do. So get some sleep. We have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I will make sure that you are so busy, you will have no time to dwell on anything else."

Glorfindel mumbled something unintelligible and then settled back down to sleep. Erestor stood up, stretched, and looked at Glorfindel. While sleeping, Glorfindel looked like an angel. Erestor smiled at himself. He was not one to dwell on the fanciful. Perhaps it was just the stress and the sleeplessness. The cardinal settled on his shoulder and pecked lightly at his ear. Erestor swatted it away, but it refused to budge.

Erestor walked over to Glorfindel's side. A slight smile grew on Glorfindel's face, something that Erestor had not seen in nearly long enough. He truly is beautiful. Erestor was surprised at that thought. The only elf he had ever considered beautiful was Elrond. Are you falling for Glorfindel? That would be a terrible mistake. He is so far in grief right now. He would think you are just trying to take advantage of him.

"Sleep softly, my beautiful Glorfindel," Erestor said softly. He smoothed down the golden hair and returned to his seat. He could not, hard as he might try, draw his gaze from Glorfindel. Glorfindel had become, in his mind, the very picture of perfection. Shaking his head at his own needless foolishness, he closed his eyes. As he drifted off to sleep, Elrond's face began to fade in his mind. It was replaced by Glorfindel, Glorfindel as he had been once, before Elrond's death. The Glorfindel that had been radiantly alive and radiantly beautiful, the one who had, unknown even to Erestor himself, forced his way into Erestor's heart, usurping Elrond and making a place for himself there. I think I love you, Glorfindel.

Rising to his feet one last time, and walking over to Glorfindel's bedside, he said what he had never dared say to any elf before. "I love you."

Author's Note: I think that this story is starting to summarize itself in my mind. I think that there will be two or three more chapters, and then I'll finish this one up.

Thank you to all my readers and reviewers. I don't know what I'd do without you!