The Faust VIII Gazette

A/N: …Hheh, what happens when our favorite necromancer/doctor/gentleman/guy with kewl pants turns into a news journalist and keeps a diary with some of his articles in them? Ruling the newspaper with an iron fist over his two little assistants, how long can Faust put up with this new job? As long as I want him to, for I am the ALL- MIGHTY abusing authoress powers AUTHORESS OF THE NETHERWORLD!!!!! - Nheh, well, me hopes you like it.

Disclaimer: I DO own the plot, I do not own anything else, not Shaman King either…I also own a bad case of carpal tunnel, bless this little ficcie…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12/30/04 – Faust VIII's Diary-00-erk…No, I mean JOURNAL…JOURNAL, I say!!!! .

Morning

Dear Diary…I SAID JOURNAL!!!!!! .

I cannot stand the first day as SENIOR editor of a newspaper! My beloved Eliza, as much as I love her, bless her heart, made me APPLY for this job, and I GOT IT!!!

I am NOT a JOURNALIST! I AM A DOCTOR, GODDAMNIT! …I HAVE A JOB! But nooo…she said I must get a hobby, for she said it was UNHEALTHY to be in the darkness ALL the time trying REVIVE HER!

She talks to ME about being UNHEALTHY?! ME?! . It just isn't fair! Nein! I won't stand for this! When I leave for "work" this morning, I shall RULE that newspaper with an IRON FIST and make those two new "assistants" of mine RUE the day they met FAUST VIII!! RUE IT, I SAY!!

Noon

Dear Diary…I STILL SAY JOURNAL!!!! ,

I MISSED the bus, seeing as I have not owned a car since that little black one I had when Eliza was ALIVE, and she wouldn't let me take that old wheelchair of mine that I used when YOH blew off MY LEGS…she said I would get a ticket, but to tell the truth, I haven't the foggiest idea why…is it because it doesn't have a motor? I could have attached a FLAMETHROWER to the back and scorched all of the MERCEDES affluent people DRIVE in America! In Germany, we MANUFACTURE THE MERCEDES, we use them as TAXICABS, what is the big ordeal?!

After that, I was knocked into a puddle by some timid little pinkette who looked as if she'd gone into CORONARY arrest when she saw ME…AND THEN, some boy who looked as if he WERE 12 YEARS OLD with green hair-at least I think he was a male..00;-HIT ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH HIS DOWSING PENDULUM!!

Good god…I hope they aren't my assistants….00;

Afternoon

Dear Diary…WHY AM I INCAPABLE OF WRITING THE WORD "JOURNAL!!?!"

I knew it….this is Hell..I'm Hell, I know it…eternal damnation…fire and brimstone…burning flesh…

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A GREAT DEAL BETTER THAN BEING STUCK WITH THIS, "TAMAO", AND "LYSERG!!!!"

My descriptions of my two WONDERFUL assistants… .

Tamao- A world-class freak who will not look me in the eye, she has a seizure every time I look at her, and bursts into tears whenever she hears about "Horohoro," her boyfriend who has gone off to fight in Iraq…whining fool…

Lyserg- A helpless fool who can't even wipe himself! Yes, yes…it was because his parents died when he was little, and I did cry (of course behind the safe walls of a cubicle) when I heard his sad story, and now I am rather motivated to join the X-LAWS!!! . But still…you should be able to wipe yourself by at least two or three….00

Well, though we despise each-other, and there is a definite age gap between us, we got ONE ARTICLE finished, and it surprised me very much…all I'm doing when I get home is spending a nice, relaxing night with Eliza…

Here it is:

NEWSFLASH: OYAMADA MANTA OF SHAMAN KIGN UNDERGOING REHABILITATION!!!

Two days ago, dwarf boy Oyamada Manta of Shaman King was admitted to Funbari Rehabilitation Center for CPOS- Constant Piss Off Syndrome.

"It's a travesty to see how many young people todayare pissing more people off than ever, why, when I was a tyke…" trailed off a disappointed Asakura Yohmei after hearing about the incident from intercepted radio transmissions on his hearing aid.

Mr. Oyamada was admitted to the rehab center after an outrageous rampage pissing people off all day and night for a week without preamble, he was brought to the center by concerned best friend Asakura Yoh.

"Usually, he only pisses off a couple of people a day, but it just went too far…My poor Manta-kun went on a piss-off binge, seriously. He pissed off everyone in Shaman King within an hour, and then went and pissed off everybody in Naruto, it's horrible…but everything will work out!" said his friend, scratching his head in confusion and finishing off an ice cream cone filled with laxatives—no, we mean…sprinkles…SPRINKLES!!

(Faust: Tamao, this is being written in ink and you just spilled our secret!! .

Tamao: I know, but it isn't my fault! Lyserg threw the computer out the window after it caught on fire!

Lyserg: DIEEE HAOOOO! .

Faust: How in the world did it catch on fire, Tamao?

Tamao: You should know! You put it in the microwave!

Faust: . Well do you watch Futurama? On Futurama they put popcorn in the microwave and then they went through time with a star that had gone supernova! I wanna travel through time like Fry did and be my own grandpa!

Tamao: But YOH already did that…We're writing an article on it next chapter…Spacecase.

Faust: And WHO is your boss here?! Do you want me to switch into Mean Foreman Les Mis Mode like in Satine89's Les Shaman Miserables!!?

Tamao: No, I don't wanna turn out like Juntine/Fantine! sob

Lyserg: You know, we're professional journalists and we're writing notes on our OWN NEWSPAPER 00

Tamao: Yes I guess so..but..

Faust: I'M A DOCTOR!!!! HISS

Tamao: Faust-Shacho, you're frothing at the mouth…(erm)

Lyserg: Taco?

Tamao: SHACHO, you English twit! It's Japanese for "President!"

Faust: WHAT?! NOW I'M PRESIDENT, JOURNALIST, AND DOCTOR!!!?? NOOOOO!!!!)

back to article

Mr. Oyamada even traveled all the way to Germany to piss off Senior Editor Faust VIII's dead wife, dead dog and even Faust himself (Faust: Why am I writing in 3rd person??? I'm not Mari, you know. Tamao: Because this goes out to the public, and they don't know who's writing it, so stop! Lyserg: Ooh, Tamao got feisty. Tamao: shiver So—sorrrrry!!!)

Ahem..well, anyway, back at the Funbari rehab center, the doctors are puzzled as to what caused this mad piss-off spree.

"Well, it might be because of stress, but our diagnoses is that Mr. Oyamada doesn't urinate or lay down feces frequently enough. It's stressing him out and making him very constipated and very pissed off. Therefore, to keep his mind off of himself being pissed off, he pisses off others." concludes Dr. Foumatsu with an expert's opinion.

The center is unsure when they will be able to release the troubled young man, however, considering their past record, Mr. Oyamada's future looks very bright.

The Funbari Rehab Center is famed for treating Uzumaki Naruto's pork addiction, Kyouyama Anna's T.V addiction, and even successfully quelled my own impulses to brutally murder those who ridicule my beautiful wife and dog.

…Did you just snicker? Did you, you retarded koropokkuru, ACTUALLY SNICKER AT MY FRAULINE AND DOG?! (Tamao: Lyserg, there's no hope, he's lost it…) You did, didn't you?! I'm going to cordially stick your head on a pike and feed it to Horohoro to eat you sick bastards!! ink runs out on paper

…..RAAAARR! WELL, then I hope you're happy for pissing me off you sick censored

(AUTHORESS: Sorry, Faust-Dono, but I must keep this at PG-13….Hehe…)

Evening

Dear Diary…I STILL can't write "JOURNAL!!!" ,

Ah, I'm so tired…I'm just glad to be home with Frankensteiny, Eliza, and our new housemate, the Authoress Neko-Neko Faust VIII….

I suppose it wasn't as bad as I thought…and to show me she wa sorry for forcing me into doing this and poisoning little children's minds, Eliza baked me some very delicious cookies…I love CHOCOLATE!!!

Well, I still bet that tomorrow Lyserg is going to show up at work as a backwoods hick and that Tamao is going to want to join the Armed Forces… Come on now, I bet you 20 dollars, my dear diary…journ—jour…ah, screw it, I give up. DIARY.

Now dusk has fallen, and I'm exhausted…so, I'm going to sleep with my darling Eliza now, she's my shining flower princess Goodnight, and I shall see you in the morning…

A Note From Tamao and Lyserg 00-

Dear Faust-Senpai,

We had fun today, and we like you a lot…except you're kind of scary sometimes, but we've had worse, one time our editor was one of those Singing Sea Bass machines…

Please bring a toaster tommorrow, we aren't telling you exactly why but, well…

Just bring a toaster

Your Underlings (and probably banes of your existence who would be your "dearest" friends by now had this been a fluffy story,

Tamao Tamamura, and Lyserg Diethel 00

A/N: Twisted, ne? Well, next chapter we are going to read the article of how Yoh/Fry became his own Grandfather like in Futurama, and another Faust Diary/Journ—journ—ah, forget it….also, be prepared for Lyserg the Hick and Tamao wanting to join the army! Can Faust get control over them? No, probably not.

Ja Ne

Neko-Neko Faust VIII