The Faust VIII Gazette
A/N: …Hheh, what happens when our favorite necromancer/doctor/gentleman/guy with kewl pants turns into a news journalist and keeps a diary with some of his articles in them? Ruling the newspaper with an iron fist over his two little assistants, how long can Faust put up with this new job? As long as I want him to, for I am the ALL- MIGHTY abusing authoress powers AUTHORESS OF THE NETHERWORLD!!!!! - Nheh, well, me hopes you like it.
Disclaimer: I DO own the plot, I do not own anything else, not Shaman King either…I also own a bad case of carpal tunnel, bless this little ficcie… I don't own anything that is trademarked, like Sailor Moon and Madonna's song "I Am A Material Girl."
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12/31/04
Dear Diary-I give up! .
Morning
Standing at the bus stop, dear lord, I'm bored… Oh, ja, that rhymed! Now I've made my morning!…well, until I arrive at the office.
I brought the toaster Tamao and Lyserg wanted, and I still don't know why…I have gone through all the possible reasons and contemplations, here is the list -
1. Stick all of our hands inside the slots and hold a contest of endurance
2. Open the toaster up and cause brain damage from the mercury inside
3. Set it on fire
4. Paint the toaster
5. Pimp out the toaster
6. Sing "I Am A Material Girl" with the toaster
7. Play Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon and dress it up as Chiba Mamoru
6. Play a spirited game of "Kick the Toaster"
7. Have the toaster make kittens with a fox 00
8. Dress in pink elephant suits and do toaster calligraphy
9. Use burnt toast from the toaster and make a replica of the "Mona Lisa."
10. Play Futurama
11. Put it in the bathtub and make the toast soggy and throw it at people
12. Force the toaster to strip
13. Teach the toaster the Underwater Basket Weaving Fist
14. Have Lyserg use it as a banjo
I have no other ideas other than that, and I think that Lyserg really will be a backwoods hick today…I WOULD BET MYLIFE ON IT!!! And that Tamao will want to join the army for her beloved Horohoro…I love love, don't you?
It's going to be hilarious when Lyserg dresses up as a hick, how do I know he is going to be one today? Simply because I was a peeping Tom last night, and saw him…yes, I am a stalker. I stalk flies too, come here…come here fly….catches it YESS!
Dear Diary, -I have been conquered
Noon
I WAS RIGHT!! That dummkopf came in late, but still dressed as a hick, with missing teeth and all, except I believe that the missing teeth were little Tamao's fault, as she didn't recognize him and punchedhim out cold. 00
I think I'm afraid of Tamao now.
All he did all day was swig whiskey and repeat the same phrase over and over, "When they cut down that old pine tree…"
He truly is puzzling. 0—0
So we basically did nothing the rest of the day, Tamao was marching and shooting off her rifle all day, and she shot me in the head, but I have a thick skull so it just bounced off, and she shot someone named Tea/Anzu who was walking down the street speaking about the joys of friendship and frolicking through a field of yellow daisies, and singing, "Strawberry fields forever…"
I played Nintendo 64 all day in the back room, and I got the joy of Harvest Moon64! It was so fun!
I didn't want to marry though, because that was betraying Eliza, and I thought she was going to murder me when I returned home, but then I noticed that there was a girl named Elli present on the game and I concluded that she must be Eliza in disguise, and so I married her.
All of my cows died, and so did my dog, because I left him with Maria, and Maria killed him with a large axe.
I am afraid of Maria as well.
Then I got rather scared because I went into Rick's Tool Shop at night (A/N: I am a Rick fangirl! Yay Rick I Looooove my Rickie! My friend is a Cliff fangirl as well!) and I touched his bookshelf, and he slapped my hand, and said, "Don't mess things up! There's an order to the madness." after that exact moment I ran screaming out of the room like a school girl and decided to write an article to make up for the sorry excuses for assistants I have…I AM A DOCTOR! I DOCTOR I SAY!!!!!!
Afternoon
I finalls finished that blasted article, despite Lyserg "logging" all of the computers and printers in the offices, and suddenly the though came into my mind that it was rather funny that there are only three people on the newspaper for a city of a large population…00;
Well, here is the article:
NEWSFLASH: AFTER TRAVELING THROUGH TIME, ASAKURA YOH BECOMES HIS OWN GRANDFATHER!
As if pulled straight from something off of Futurama (A/N: Which it is…-) after a two-day stay in 1947 by means of time travel, Shaman King Asakura Yoh has become his own grandfather!
But wait…how did he get into space?
Simply by using a microwave to bake popcorn with a METAL RIM and leaving it in for a period of 45 minutes, and then driving through a supernova in a spaceship he had built to go shop for fried cheese on Mars, it caused a lapse in the Space-Time continium, and thus transported him to 1947, the time of his grandfather, Asakura Yohmei.
Upon realizing his obligation not to change the past, Mr. Asakura tried not to change anything, until he realized if his grandfather died, he would cease to exist, and therefore not be Shaman King, and therefore there would be no main character in Shaman King, and therefore, no Reggae music in anime, and therefore, no Shaman King at all! 00;!
So he frantically tried to save his grandfather from all harm, placing him in a safe haven far out in the country.
"I didn't know they were testing out Atomic Warfare weapons of mass destruction there, I just locked him in there with a calender of Marilyn Monroe and Joe Dimaggio and then I realized something weird…" gasped Yoh, looking quizzically at his family tree.
His grandfather Yohmei was attracted to men! He had been looking at those pictures of Dimaggio for hours and before he could confess his love…
HE BLEW UP!
Upon that, Yoh went to comfort his grandmother, Asakura Kino, and found himself irrepressibly attracted to her…knowing she was his grandmother in the future, he held himself back, however….
Kino savagely seduced him, and the two ended up..well—um, making love nonetheless.
In the morning Yoh said, "It was like, 'wow!' but then I realized I still existed, and I wondered why…the only reason could have been that I was my own grandpa!" he concluded with a surprised gasp for dramatic effect.
I was stunned, but quickly came to the conclusion that, if we can get past the disturbing knowledge that our degenerate friend Yoh is his own grandfather, we can accept him for who he is, and that means everyone else as well…
Except flamers.
Evening
What an exhausting day, I think both I and Eliza need a LONG vacation…I shall book it tomorrow…and then we shall speed of to the Greater Antilles, the Bahamas, with Frankensteiny for a nice VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY LONG VACATION!!!
PS: Diary, you owe me 20$ I told you so, but you didn't think so
PSS: Do you think I need a psychiatrist?
Goodnight everyone, goodnight Eliza…
Goodnight Lyserg, I hope you don't get your finger bitten off by a squirrel named Terry.
Goodnight Tamao, I hope Horohoro comes back as a CYBORG so you don't have to worry about him ever getting hurt again, and in addition to that, we can play Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex!
A/N: Two more chapters and then I am finished…I hope you like it, and yes, I know Faust is a trifle OOC, for it is a trifle funnier See you with Chapter Four, and then the end will not be his diary but the epilogue by Random News Journalist Guy
Ja Ne
Neko-Neko Faust VIII -