The Faust VIII Gazette

A/N: …Hheh, what happens when our favorite necromancer/doctor/gentleman/guy with kewl pants turns into a news journalist and keeps a diary with some of his articles in them? Ruling the newspaper with an iron fist over his two little assistants, how long can Faust put up with this new job? As long as I want him to, for I am the ALL- MIGHTY abusing authoress powers AUTHORESS OF THE NETHERWORLD!!!!! - Nheh, well, me hopes you like it.

Disclaimer: I DO own the plot, I do not own anything else, not Shaman King either…I also own a bad case of carpal tunnel, bless this little ficcie… I don't own anything that is trademarked, like Sailor Moon and Madonna's song "I Am A Material Girl."

A/N: Thank you so much for reviewing, KagenoKatana, let's be friends! I like you a lot, you're very funny! I read Uchiha Therapy, and it was hilarious, I reviewed!!! …Angst-Muffin?! I love it! Poor Sasuke, hehehehehehehe!!!

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1/1/05

Dear Diary—JOURN--…ah, journ—alll!!! I got it!! journ—no! Damnit, I lost it! And I was doing so well! .

Morning

Ah! The New Year! Last night Eliza and I watched the sunset, and it was beautiful…nn

Well, anyway, I was feeling rather cheerful today, having it be the New Year and all, so I went out to Dunkin Donuts (A/N: I LOVE but do not OWN Dunkin Donuts…00) to buy a gross (144 donuts) of donuts for my dear but retarded employees….it's been a hard year, and now people have been calling me "journalist" all the time, even when I walk DOWN THE STREET!!

I AM STILL A DOCTOR, NOT A JOURNALIST GODDAMNIT TO HELL IN A BREADBASKET AND A POOL OF INK!!!!!!!!!!! INK I SAY!!!!!! &&

Well, anyway, I purchased them some donuts, and I was carrying about sixteen bags when I saw an idiot of a man dressed in a carrot suit sitting on a trash can and being eaten by rats who wanted donuts for ransom…

So, being the dashing hero that both Neko-Neko Faust VIII and KagenoKatana worship, I sprang into ACTION! 00;

I forsaked the donuts in all of their frosted glory, and stuffed them in the rat's mouth, thus setting the carrot man free, a crowd…okay, like two people, the authoress Neko-Neko Faust VIII and KagenoKatana both ran up to me, cheering, "Faust, you saved the day!!!!" in high-pitched squealing fangirl voices.

With that, I walked to the bus stop, and being rather late, was forced to jump atop of the bus and ride the roof to the office.

Noon

I was ready for joyous New Year's day but my employees are so fricking stupid!!!! ##

When I walked in the door, I saw not the normal Tamao and Lyserg, but Tamao and Lyserg partying with short, obese little HARVEST SPRITE men from Harvest Moon64 and Harvest Moon Save the Homeland!!!

They were all messy, and consuming bag after bag of squishy yellow BUTTER, along with vast amounts of alchohol that would have KILLED a HUMAN person!!!!

I nearly vomited, and merely shut the office door, scaled the skyscraper, and prepared to jump.

Afternoon

"Goodbye cruel world…" I said joviously, boarding the private jet Eliza and I had purchased to fly to the Bahamas together with Frankensteiny, Neko-Neko Faust VIII, and KagenoKatana…

"No! I'm staying inside!" pouted Neko-Neko Faust VIII, "I don't WANT to go out in the sun, it BURNS!!!!"

Eliza nodded, "It does, but only if you don't wear sunscreen!" she added in a singsong voice…

Suddenly, we all began to hum in unison, and thought up a great song to sing for the ride in the jet, which mind you, nobody was driving at the moment…

"LOLLIPOP IN A COCONUT, COCONUT, COCONUT…LOLLIPOP IN A COCONUT, COCONUT, COCONUT, MY FAIR LADEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

And we sang the same verse to the same song the entire merry way…

End of Diary Entry

PS: I AM A DOCTOR!!!! NOT A JOURNALIST!!!!!!

Here is the LAST ARTICLE I am EVER going to WRITE. EVER. .

NEWSFLASH!: AMIDAMARU OF SHAMAN KING PRONOUNCED MORBIDLY OBESE BY DOCTOR!!

Yesterday Shaman King's beloved samurai ghost, Amidamaru was diagnosed as morbidly obese by a doctor, yours truly.

Amidamaru was also diagnosed as a compulsive over eater, and when I asked him to empty his funeral tablet, a variety of Kitkats, Twix, Snickers, Reese's Pieces, Doritos, and Twizzlers tumbled onto the floor.

(Eliza: Did you eat the candy, honey?

Faust: Well, of course I did, Ish spiffeh!

Neko-Neko Faust VIII: I don't know what KagenoKatana would say in this moment, and so I will not earn a flame from her by saying something I shouldn't. - Sorry Kage-Dono, de gozaru yo!

Faust: It's okay Hey Kage-Dono!

Eliza: Hello! )

When confronted with this innocent occurrence, Amidmaru burst into convulsive sobbing, crying about his tragic affliction to his psycbiatrist, also yours truly.

(Eliza: But dearest, don't you hate it when people don't call you a doctor…

Faust: Yes, but I called myself a psychiatrist and it doesn't matter if I call myself something.

Eliza: Wait for it…

Faust: I'M NOT A PSYCHIATRIST I'M A DOCTOR, GODDAMNIT!!! .

Eliza: giggles Told you so.)

"IT'S NO FAIR! WHY AM I THE FAT ONE!? IT'S NOT MY FAULT! DAMN YOU TOKAGEROH, DAMN YOU TO HELL IN A BREADBASKET!!!" he screamed through muffled sobs.

During the next few days, Amidamaru went on eating binges, and I researched for days and days to no avail.

The answer was found by a slip of the tongue on Amidamaru's part, when he said, "I have to Mike a new baby."

Hence the reason for the binges was Amidamaru pretending to be pregnant….but why? Simply because his lover, Tokageroh, wanted to raise a baby with him…What does "Mike" have to do with this? Well, "Mike" is Tokageroh's middle name…

His last name, for blackmailing purposes is "'Hi Bob' said Bob to Bob."

…I saw you give me a funny look just then…Why is that? You were looking at Eliza and Frankensteiny weren't you? squinty eyes Fine, if you are going to be that way, screw your cat! No one else will want you!

Oh, you're so cruel! I'm going to rip out your kidneys, name them "Rita," and "Lillian," respectively, and make a terrible spoof of Hercules!! sob sob

(Eliza: Why "Rita" and "Lillian?"

Faust: Because there was this hermaphrodite named Rita, and a McDonald's cashier named Lillian and they both rode a rollercoaster with me when I but a child of tender five years and Rita let me vomit in his/her purse! Neko-Neko Faust VIII: Heartwarming, ne?)

Well, I am off to the bahamas with my counts on fingers FOUR favorite people, I will NEVER join a NEWPAPER EVER AGAIN!!

Advedersein, Faust VIII -

A/N: No more chappies! This is ova! And I am overjoyed about it, because now I can return to Aisubeki Dearest, and post a new poem for If I Am A Poet Then I Do Not Know It!!!! Yaaaaayyoooooooooooooo!!!!

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO REVIEW, ESPECIALLY KAGENOKATANA, SAKUUYA, AND A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE!!!