THE DUDEY MAN
BY CHRISTOPHER ZHANG
forged in the flames of MORDOR MY PRECIOUS
The dark shadow swept over the town into an eternal sleep. The moon glinted and fainted through the dark sky, the stars followed. Then all of a sudden a house blew up into a red and black flame, pieces of charred, broken and wooden planks. Screams pierced through the nighttime sky, and yells followed, then all of a sudden a row of houses blew up and its flame burst into the air, sparks of electricity shot out, and the flames were still flickering in the dark sky.
"Excellent, the world is going down, 58, 45, 30…" "OH NO, BOSS A FLAW IN THE MACHINE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME. THEY WILL COME, WE HAVE TO OPERATE QUICKLY!" "WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? OPERATE!" A red light flashed in the dark lab, people bustled about swishing their white lab coats rummaging for tools and utensils to fix the machine. "OH NO, DUDE IS COMING! OH MY GOSH! QUICKLY!" "Make the barrier! Quick, quick, fast!" "Wait, let him in, let me use my machine as bait!" "A perfect, fat, and dumb specimen! He has enough energy to replenish the machine, forever! Forever! Do you hear me? FOREVER!" They trapped 'em and chained him on a steel platform. "Oh yes, excellent, oopsee daises." He dropped a chemical and burned Dude's leg! "Quick, insert needles…everywhere." The doctors smiled and staggered toward their captain holding needles. "NO, ON HIM!" The doctors groaned and slashed their blunt needles through Dude's skin. "Ah, hmm, that does feel nice, though." Dude said. "Do it again." Captain Fart hissed, "hmm, 'tis a trick." He smoothed out his long silver beard and took off his lab coat, and took out a needle from his sweater pocket.
They were on a boat, with Captain Fart's lab on it. Doctors and even a fort was built on it. Cannons poked out from the sides, and soldiers patrolled the sides. Lots of giant dishes poked out near the cabin. "Hmm, I like the sea." Dude cried. "Who told you that trick, you fat ma, while reading you Brer Rabbit, perhaps?" "Uh, um, no."
"Start extracting dynamism,"
"No not that, that one."
"Oh,"
"Shut up, Johnson. Get to work."
"Okay."
"Don't talk to me, save your scarce bit o' energy for your work you lazy, putrid, reeking, uh, FATSOS, that's what you are, yes. FATSOS!"
The doctors began working furiously connecting cables to his head, and pressing gadgets.
Dude was weeping. "Oh, that part hurts," he groaned. He gestured toward his privates where fifty needles were injected, with thick cables leading out. His pupils faded, the sky was still dark, and the waves nearby crashed. They were black waves, small and foamy. Seagulls cawed up ahead. They saw a cove, with a few cliffs around. Small rowboats dropped off and a few cars (which could drive in water) dropped off. Captain Fart got into a Navy Helicopter and got to the cove, doctors followed, and some even swam. "HANDLE 'EM CAREFULLY." Captain Fart yelled, against the spinning roar of the wings on the helicopter. Dude groaned, and stretched. But he was tied tightly and it hurt him. "Ha, ha. Poor fellow." Laughed TIBS, their top leader standing on top of the cliff, and laughing. Five hundred men were around him, and guarding him. Two tanks were also on that cliff, and a few helicopters patrolled it. The eighteen million men on the ship got off and went into the long cove and talked, and drank. Dude in the laboratory, was groaning as energy vanished and his hearts slowed. Once in an hour, beat. One hour later beat. His eyes were rolling and his hands fell limp, he coughed out blood. TIBS was talking to Captain Fart about their success on the windy island. "Fart, come over here! The energy is 99, we need Bruce's energy!" "He has 1. If we use anybody else, there'll be too much power! Track 'em down, Johnson." "Uh, okay…sir." "Alright, make sure tanks are alert. We're kind of weak, guard all military bases, hey Captain check on the boot camp, will you?" "Okay, TIBS." Captain Fart climbed down the rope ladder. The wind roared, and the dark sky glistened in the water. Seagulls cawed, often. "Shut up, you birds." Johnson said. The rope ladder swayed, Captain Fart's sweaty hands grasped onto the bars as he climbed down. Splinters ripped through the palm of his hands, but he kept on hold and got to the bottom. "Hut 1!" The soldiers lined up straight, saluting Captain Fart as he passed. "You there, Urine. Come over here. Have you ever heard anybody called 'Bruce'?" "Answer me, you ball of pee! Okay, so you want it the hard way, right?" "Uh, sir. Um, sir. I-I…" "You wanna waist time?" "Uh, n-yes." "Who, you ball of junk?" "He lived on Dry Lane." "Stupid hint, anything else?"
"No, sir." Captain Fart turns away and glances back. He then snaps, "get down there and show me ninety! Now, all of you!" The soldiers were panting and drinking water, in deep breaths. Captain Fart glances around circling the soldiers. "Wait, second. Everybody into Central Cove!" "I think I see…rocket!" "Bruce's rocket!" "Everybody, calm down." "EVERYBODY INTO CENTRAL COVE! TANKS, YOU FIRE! YOU LITTLE THING UH, BLASTED-MIDGETS, GET DOWN THERE AND FIRE!" TIBS yelled, and cried. The soldiers fired their AK-47s and walked along the soft sandy shore. "FIRE LASER BEAM 8547!" "FIRING, COME ON!" The laser aimed at the speeding red rocket. It fired. A jet of orange light shot out and intercepted with the rocket! Almost. The laser missed. "EVERYBODY GET DOWN THERE, AND FIRE!" "IS THIS THE GOD DANG BEST COVE ARMY, OR WHAT?"
The lasers fired like crazy and gunshots were heard. Cannons blasted, and smoke rose into the air. What could happen? Captain Fart was so nervous, and all of a sudden he farted. He glanced around, to see if anybody heard him. Over the gunshots, the farting was luckily not heard. Thank god, he thought.
"You, Johnson get that Samurai sword, and go fight 'em." Johnson was so nervous he peed in his pants! But he grabbed the sword and went out of the smoking cove. "YOU, USELESS TANKS, FIRE!" The tanks fired, and more gunshots than ever were heard, cries of yells and pain were heard. TIBS glanced in horror as he saw on the computer screen the lab getting destroyed. "45, 34. Wait, it is rising! 99! "Stop that," you'll overpower the lab," said Victory to AMU. AMU sighed, then he fell limp. "Thanks for giving the energy to 'em. AMU's eyes rolled, and his head singed. "We're gonna have to blow the old thing up!" "You, there. Kevin! Get down here and fight!" TIBS yelled up the rope ladder. Kevin climbed down, all sweaty. Then by accident he fired his DESERT EAGLE. The bullet flew, higher and higher, it missed a tank by one inch, and a soldier by another then it struck the rocket and it blew up! "A dang decoy! Should've known!" "Everybody, repair everything!" "Okay, boss." "Where's Bruce Willis?" "We don't know!" "Uh, we'll check." From the computer, a voice said, "PLEASE SLIDE WILLIS I.D. CARD IN HERE." Captain Fart took out a card, actually it was a fake. "Colonel Davis, come here. I'd like to show you our success. "ACESS DENIED." "What?" "How come?" "Uh, there's another card." Colonel Davis took out another card and sliced it through. "ACCESS COMPLETE. WHO ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR?" "BRUCE WILLIS." Colonel Davis answered loud and clear.
A picture of Bruce Willis flashed on the screen with a bit of personal info about him. Colonel Davis gasped and read closely. "He's a-a secret agent!" "That little critter, I'll get that, that…" "You're right he is one." Just then a pop-up flashed, too. "LASER 8900 IS FINISHED." Then the pop-up vanished. They said to the computer, "WHERE IS BRUCE WILLIS?" "IN WISCONSIN" "God dang, that little critter. Wish 'e could strike 'em dead!" Bruce Willis meanwhile was playing computer games on his laptop. "Well, well, well. I see the little Cove crew is viewing me now! The decoy they have, such a silly mistake…" Such a silly mistake, was it true?
"Ugh, I'll, I'll… Let's try out the new laser." TIBS declared, proudly. This time the laser was a metal cylinder, with readings and barcodes all over it, the cylinder was only two inches long, and had to be put into the ISS 43 to be launched 345 miles or less. Of course, they weren't going to try it. They were going to insert it into the computer slot, and for an example on what would happen. The computer screen showed weak Bruce Willis flying on a skateboard in the air. He was humming and gaped in shock as the laser aimed at him, the skateboard stopped he stopped humming. His eyes bulged and he clutched his stomach. "LAUNCHING, WAIT FOR TWO SECONDS. TWO, ONE, FIRE!" Just to tell you, this was not really Bruce; just a computer generated try-out. In the diagram a blue beam from the ISS 43 launched up into the air, and traveled quickly. The laser circled Bruce in the diagram. But Bruce dodged, the laser followed. Bruce gasped as the laser hit him square in the stomach. He fell dead and limp. "Perfect, excellent, glorious, amazing." Colonel Davis stared in awe. He grabbed the laser out and put it into his pocket along with LASER 7456 and LASER 21. TIBS had the best laser, yet. The name was LAZER 8170518970560986. This laser, could go for any distance and would not wear out, it could hit at a certain pressure designated and could trail and object for centuries. It dodged obstacles and aimed for the target only. The air seemed to smooth by and it had two tail rotors.
Well, the laser descriptions aren't the point.
Outside, soldiers were groaning and strapping on thick white bandages on their arms and legs. Their faces were covered with dirt and ash, they're eyes seemed as if they had tons of pain (which they were). Captain Fatso exited the lab and came outside. "You all right, men?" "Y-yeah, I think so." They answered, some just groaned. They dragged them into the dark cove. A small fire was built in large areas of the cove and on top of the cliff were seven tanks and the ISS 43 was up there, and two soldiers patrolled the shore occupied by one tank. Soldiers groaned and danced, if they could to a tune, they were having a jolly good time and even Colonel Davis took out an old and rotting board game to play with several wounded men. "Hey, you cheater! Stop, move that piece back!" Colonel Davis, now drunk yelled at a player which froze and quickly switched back, whistling. Captain Fart was in the shadows talking with TIBS. TIBS hesitated, "Bruce, he is smart and powerful! The old decoy! It wounded the whole army, I hope he doesn't know w-we're weak, I'm afraid, son." "Me too, TIBS. I just hope our army revives, sooner or later. Bruce can create things in a snap, but…wait a second! Where's Dude?" "Huh?" "Dude, he can revive himself! I hope he's dead, isn't h-he?" "Um, I…" "Men! Search for Dude, in the whole cove, EVERYWHERE!" "Move!" "Aw, come on, Captain," Steven groaned as he put the board game back into the box and dropped his beer bottle. "NO ARGUMENTS, STEVEN. AND I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME YOU MESSED WITH ME." "Okay, o-okay." Steven sighed and searched along with the other people, with gleaming flashlights bouncing off walls. "Be sure you are armed, he can kill five men with one brandish of his arm." Colonel Davis yelled clues and orders to the soldiers as they went into more rooms of the cove. TIBS, Johnson, Captain Fart, and Colonel Davis remained. Johnson, always followed TIBS, unless TIBS ordered him not to, because Johnson always guarded TIBS. Today, he was snoring as the remained in the main room of the cove. The four were pretty scared, and talked in whispers. Johnson snapped awake, as Captain Fart shoved him so hard that he fell off the rotting stool. He blinked and sat on the stool and listened, drowsily.
"Well, Bruce." "Well, Dude." "All those people! I gotta catch Dude, at least! If we don't, we'll have to go after him!" "We better guard here, I better make sure no body is sneaking up on us." Colonel Davis was gritting his teeth as he spoke, with a Cuban in his mouth. He blew out smoke from his sweaty nostrils and glanced at the roof of the cove. "GOTCHA, THAT DAMN CRITTER!" He roared in fury as he ripped off a video camera from the wall. "Hold IT!" TIBS yelled, and pulled Colonel Davis away. TIBS slammed the colonel onto the floor, "DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT, DID YOUR MOMMA TELL YOU THAT?" Colonel Davis got up quickly brushing dirt of his pants. He started, then stopped. "Okay, TIBS." "Good boy, now that's how I like it." "You see, that wire leads to somewhere, right?" "I-think-so." "Yeah, where it leads…THERE HE IS!" Colonel Davis spoke in the loudspeaker, "CALLING ALL TROOPS, REPORT TO THE MAIN ROOM! REPORT TO THE MAIN ROOM! DO YOU COPY? REPORT TO THE MAIN ROOM!" The soldiers entered hurriedly, eager for more free time. "Where's Wire?" "There he is, come over here!" Wire a small and short man came out, he had thick spectacles and a wire book in his hands at all costs. "Where does this wire lead to, Wire?" Wire spoke in quick whispers glancing at it then flipping through his book, stopping then chattering again. "Ah, yes." He rubbed his hands together and smiled. "Searching for where it leads to, heh?" "Yeah." "Well, according to the book it leads to a secret cavern blocked by boulders that fell in exactly twenty years ago." "Good Wire." "Now, men! I want you to find that room and check out who's in there!" "Including you Mole, fifty of you will search for more video cameras and twenty five of you will guard and have free time with us, and no drinking." "Yeah, but bad." "No drinking, you kidding?" "I never kid, stupid." Twenty-five of them guarded him, with rifles and grenades including Laser 76845. "BRING BACK ISS 43!" TIBS yelled at the cliff, ISS 43 hovered down with rockets and landed in the soft moist sand. TIBS wheeled it into the main room and slit Laser 76845 into it, his thumb was eight millimeters away from the red button. The laser was aimed out of the cove and onto the beach. One man ran into the main room yelling, "we found it!" "What's your name?" "Bruce," "BRUCE WHO?" "Bruce Illwis!" "Okay." Captain Fart followed. TIBS whispered to Johnson. Johnson nodded and went to the shore where he was joined by the tank and two guards, they talked and then Johnson walked back to TIBS. "Did they see anything?" "Yeah, they saw a dark boat." "Boat, BOAT?" "I'll watch out, you go get Laser 8170518970560986," his best laser. He watched, alert and careful.
Meanwhile, in the room smoke hovered about. You maybe guessed that they used dynamite, but no. The dynamite was too soft. Laser 81705189704512 blew up the boulders ten hundred times stronger, second in line for the best. However, many duplicates of this laser were made. The path narrow and musty-smelling was also dark. The laser was red, just like a few torches Captain Fart bought. They glanced inside, dark a few sparks. "Get guns ready, check behind of us." A gunshot was heard. Behind them was a huge hairy creature like a human with long manes of long brown hair. Beneath the hair were two red eyes, it had big silver claws and two long devilish horns coming out of its head. "Gar, growl!" the monster said. The bullet hit it, and it fell, all the soldiers prodded it with guns, it was dead, they looked into the room. No sparks, nothing…Was the beast a distraction?
Dude and Bruce were flying side by side above in the cloudy sky. They talked.
"Captain Fart farts a lot!"
"TIBS is fat."
"Well, the beast! There weren't supposed to be any distractions it just came! I was planning a grenade as a distraction, where did the beast come from? Did you send it Bruce?"
"Guess so, it was only a robot."
"Yeah, well how do you fell locking the soldiers and Captain Fart in the cavern."
"I didn't lock it! Captain Fart will blow it up with his ghastly and stinky fart, don't you think?"
"Yup."
They weren't locked in, Captain Fart and his crew came out, and Wire was still trailing close behind and they were all smelling musty. A note was pinned:
Troops,
I, TIBS am gone. There was a war last night; my best laser was used. I beat Dude's army and Bruce's but they flew away in the sky, thinking you were locked in, I hope you weren't, are you? I am…. Can't tell you, held as hostage. Save me, please. Give you a clue: The bad is Bruce Illwis, he is Bruce. Scramble his last name, see? If he's still in your army, force him to tell you. He is probably gone. I asked him, BRUCE WHOM because there was no such peaperson person, y'all see. Get to work, if you are injured wait, the world will soon be gone, I promise. Dude is at…No, help! Help!
"Holy" "Hey, Bruce Illwis, get over here." Would he come, or was he gone. Of course gone, or how would he be flying in the cloudy sky? No answer came.
"I've got sand in my boots, but I don't care cause now I'm strong." The soldiers sang as they did their boot camp work. "TIBS," he should've come with us said Colonel Davis, last thing I saw when I went down was a scream. For all I knew, it was one of you, so I came." "Johnson!" Johnson hurried over, all bloody and scratched. "I fought, last night with TIBS. H-he outnumbered us 32,000 to eight tanks and four men." "Yeah, but what did you see?" "I-I saw this, he held out a tape." "Great, boy are you good!" Colonel Davis jammed the tape into the TV set in the cove then he listened. Just then all of a sudden Johnson had an insane grin on his face, but since he was behind them; they didn't see. He took out a dagger and sliced it through Colonel Davis's head! Blood spurted out and stained the dagger, Colonel Davis yelled as Captain Fart held Johnson down with his two strong and powerful arms, bending them backward. "Don't you do that, you… ruddy scum "You gonna pay, for that!" Johnson just grinned back and smiled.
"Ow, it hurts!" Colonel Davis yelled in pain and struggled in the stretcher, he was barely alive, and in the tape was blank, nothing. Johnson's dagger didn't go through much an inch or two, and Colonel Davis lived by a so slight chance he breathed slowly in rasps.
The soldiers more alert than ever watched day to night.
"Stay guard, Wire, Steven, Bruce…" "BRUCE?" "BRUCE?" "Get 'em boys!" The men pounced on him holding him to the ground, what would you want more, TIBS or my death. Once I press this button TIBS will die." "So?" "Let 'em go." "Hand over TIBS." Bruce pulled off a mask and revealed face. TIBS's face.
"Gosh," TIBS smiled and took out a silver pistol; he laughed a dry hoarse laughter and grinned. He pulled the trigger and shot Captain Fart and Colonel Davis, "bye" TIBS said, just as a dagger struck through his head. Was it possibly Johnson not a traitor?
THE END